I can't stand my partners family holding my baby

[bgui]

So.. I'm a first time mum and my baby is now 5 weeks old. I endured a really traumatic birth that consisted of multiple surgeries, stitches, blood transfusions, the lot. I'm still recovering slowly at 5 weeks and find quite a lot of things still hard to do. I've been hibernating at home enjoying my time as a mum and looking after my baby, I'm not ready to become this social butterfly yet.

My partners family expect to come round once a week minimum. I'm not very close with them, have to put on an act every time I see them as they are old fashioned traditional and stuck up their own arse. They won't allow you to swear around them.. only talk about the weather.. etc, that type.

They call my partner every other day asking what days off he has. This drives me insane, selfishly I want him to spend his days off with me and the baby as a family as I'm alone all week while he works. But still - he tells them his days off, they come multiple times a week, they like to wake the baby if she's asleep, when I'm in my pyjamas in bed they turn up and sit on my bed and talk small talk about what they had for dinner for 4 hours. they don't ask about the baby, or how I am, or show any interest. Just come, hold the baby, ignore her in their arms and continue to talk about themselves until I look pale as death and am dropping off to sleep - they leave.

I've spoken to my partner about it, told him I feel tired, awkward, I dislike how little interest they have in the baby. the whole time I was pregnant they never asked how I was or any baby related questions, just spoke about their retirement/herb gardens and old village gossip. Lol. I'm quite an inquisitive person and I like conversation with depth, so this drives me crazy talking about that kinda stuff. But still, he fights back and says it's his baby too. It's his family and they have a right. Yes they do but not every f-ing week!!!! Why don't they get it!! Once a month is normal to me. We are a new family, leave us alone.

I don't know what to say anymore. I want my baby around warm, loving kind people, they just come to talk about themselves, wake my baby up , try to tell me my parenting techniques are wrong, and leave.

I cannot stand them, but I know it's his family so I have to suck it up, but what on earth do I say?

I think the fact they are showing up and holding the baby means they are interested.

My family dont really do "medical" so would be similar in that they would talk about trivial things etc rather than ask deep and meaningful how you ares etc.

Maybe try and make it a planned, timed visit eg you see them on friday before you have lunch when theres an obvious end time to the visit?

If the baby is sleeping, tell them not to pick her up/wake her.
If they tell you you're doing something wrong, thank them for their opinion/advice but that you're doing what's best for you and baby.
Steer conversation to what you're talking interested in.
Tell them to try and get baby to smile. Encourage them to communicate with her.
If they come into your bedroom, say "oh I'll just get up and meet you in the lounge in a minute."

Basically, stand up for yourself but be polite.

I know it's not easy!

Congratulations by the way!

Once a month also with a new baby means they are totally different the next time yoy see them
How often are your family seeing the baby?

I think you need to take a step back and realise they’re not actually doing anything wrong, even if it does annoy you! Babies can’t have too many people loving them, and whilst they don’t act how you would like them to, they’re not purposefully being annoying. They are just different. Not everyone wants to talk about babies and pregnancy, herb gardens might be their thing!

They could also be picking up on your annoyance and so not wanting to get into conversation with you because you seem hostile?

If baby is sleeping you are well within your rights to say (or get your dp to say) no she’s sleeping right now, I’m not disturbing her.

Can your dp organise a regular time with them, say every other week for them to come see her? Or you go meet them for coffee or something? Might make it a bit easier.

But still, he fights back and says it's his baby too. It's his family and they have a right. Yes they do but not every f-ing week!!!! Why don't they get it!! Once a month is normal to me. We are a new family, leave us alone.

How often do you see your family? I was orphaned as a child but I see my fiancé's family once a week usually without a baby, I can't imagine that they'd be very happy seeing him once a month, and if they saw a newborn once a month, she or he would be completely different every time they saw her/him.

Don't let them wake your baby if you don't want them too. Maybe agree that your DP will let them know what day suits when he gets his shifts, and let them come round and hold the baby then, so they get one "slot" a week and you know when it is?

My SIL was like this when my niece was born. Broke my mum as she was desperate to be a proud grandma but was made to feel like she couldn't touch or go near baby. SIL's tone and body language made it very obvious that our family weren't welcome but her family were always there. At 6 months she was diagnosed with PND retrospectively felt bad about how she had been. Everyone gets on fine now but remember the baby has a whole family, and the baby's father has as much right to have his family involved as you have to have your family involved.
Tell you DH to explain to his family that you're struggling and that the weekly visit needs to be 2 hours max for the next month while you adjust to being a new mum. You need to communicate or resentment will build on both sides.

Maybe they would feel too intrusive asking how you are when you have had a bad birth?
Details of births aren't for everyone.
Once a week with dp around isn't unreasonable, waking a baby is def a no no.
Would you be happy going up and having a bath /nap while they visited?
Your dp does need to listen to you though.
But you need to hear it's his baby too and they are his family.

Don't let them into your bedroom- if you and/or baby are asleep then make it clear you're not to be woken.
Agree well in advance when they are coming over and for a specific window- 'we'd love to see you on Sunday, if you're free in the afternoon we don't have plans at 3pm. Bathtime for baby is at 6 so we can have a good couple of hours together' then stick to that.
Also you're an adult, they can't stop you swearing or saying anything in your own house.

They won't allow you to swear around them.

Ridiculous. If you can't call your MiL a fucking shitgibbon (in a friendly way) then what is the world coming to?

YABU, though not surprising, it's a wonderful but hard time. Seeing your family once a week is normal. You not liking them is not their fault.

Focus on the things which are reasonable:

• don't wake the baby.
• planning for them to visit for a specific period, not just dropping in or staying too long.
• stop putting on a show. Talk about what you want.
• be firm about how you want to parent, but do at least listen to suggestions.

Let the rest go, or eventually it will pull the two of you apart.

I think once a week to see a new baby is ok, coming into your bedroom is not. As PP have suggested you need to speak to your partner about putting some boundaries in place for their visits - times, length of visit, staying in the living room, not waking the baby up.

Can you arrange so DP and baby could meet his family out for a coffee or go round to their house for an hour (if they're local) so you can have a nap or a bath.

Your partner is right, his familyare showing an interest by coming to see you and the baby. Once a week is normal and if it's for 4 hours, not too excessive. Do as pp suggest and maybe make it so there's a natural time limit, so you could invite them at 10 on Saturday and ask your dp to suggest he takes them for tea and cake at a cafe somewhere with a view to him bringing the baby home for lunch, then they get to see the baby and your dp and you get an hour to yourself.

But still, he fights back and says it's his baby too. It's his family and they have a right. Yes they do but not every f-ing week!!!! Why don't they get it!! Once a month is normal to me. We are a new family, leave us alone.*

^But your partner doesn’t want to be left alone. Once a month? YABU!

I feel bad for your partner. Sorry but I think you’re being massively unreasonable. You just don’t like his family so want them to stay away from their son and grandchild If you loathe them all so much perhaps you should have thought in advance how having a child that’s part of their family was going to work. Nothing you’ve said about them sounds particularly bad...especially the not wanting you to swear part. I would love to hear their side of this!

I understand your feelings butt I think once a week is fine. Maybe arrange it for a weekend afternoon (or whenever your husband is around too). Don't let them in your bedroom, keep all entertaining in the living room, garden etc. Make sure your husband is doing most of the hosting and can sense if you're getting tired so he can make some excuse for you. The fact they want to see the baby every week and hold her makes it clear they do care about her - not everyone is naturally good at cooing over/singing to babies etc. They are her family too and it would be lovely if she grew up with a close bond with them.

I think they do care. They are turning up and holding her, maybe they're emotionally stunted and can't open up their feelings ?

Tell your husband you will invite them over, only when you want to and maybe you should open the conversation to tell them about the baby... maybe they find it too hard to discuss and don't want to step too far.

I was like this too OP, my MIL didn’t know the meaning of privacy and she would barge into my room whilst I was breast feeding. She said hello and I looked at her with a face like thunder, she then sheepishly left.

Then she would come unannounced whenever she liked and I had enough, as she would just hold my DS all day or waiting over me whilst I was breastfeeding. So I reminded her that she’s a guest in my house and she’s a grandmother not the mother. She got upset and didn’t come to visit for years, best thing that happened to me.

Be strong and remember it’s your baby not theirs. You can invite or uninvite anyone you like, you are the mother. Hope you recovery goes well x

You sound mean.

@katexxx
I’m sorry but you sound horrible! Did you forget that your MIL is also your Dps mother and your child’s grandmother? You’re happy for their relationship with her to suffer because she walked in on you breastfeeding?

Once a week sounds fine to me too, once a month is very little contact. And the fact they hold the baby shows they are interested.
It sounds like you’ve been through an ordeal and I hope you’re on your way to recovery!
But no, I don’t think his family sound like they are doing anything wrong.

It’s obviously a bit more, she’s always been a pain in my arse. It was the last straw, for years she would tell my DH I’m not being a good wife because I worked full time. Instead of sitting at home and ironing his shirts. Also because I’m not catholic, so I can’t give her grandkids a good religious upbringing. My kids will burn in hell don’t you know?

So I don’t give a shite about my MIL and neither did my DH.

Once a week is reasonable but it doesn't need to be for hours and hours and it's not OK for them to come into your bedroom uninvited.

I like the idea of making sure DH is around and doing the "hosting".

I think they are interested they just don't follow your intended script for their roles.

Maybe whilst your still in bed ask that they don't come into your room?

Let your DH deal with them if you are tired.

How bizarre that one of your main objections is they don't like swearing. How much f-ing and blinding do you plan on doing in front of your child?

I look forward to your next post where you are slagging them off for not coming round and helping.
You are being incredible mean and controlling. You are jeopardizing the relationship of your DH and your DC with their family members because of your selfish attitude.

@Katex888 I wonder if you'll feel the same if your DC 'don't give a shit' about you when they adults. With your attitude I hope they don't do you know how your MIL feels.