I can't stand my partners family holding my baby

[bgui]

So.. I'm a first time mum and my baby is now 5 weeks old. I endured a really traumatic birth that consisted of multiple surgeries, stitches, blood transfusions, the lot. I'm still recovering slowly at 5 weeks and find quite a lot of things still hard to do. I've been hibernating at home enjoying my time as a mum and looking after my baby, I'm not ready to become this social butterfly yet.

My partners family expect to come round once a week minimum. I'm not very close with them, have to put on an act every time I see them as they are old fashioned traditional and stuck up their own arse. They won't allow you to swear around them.. only talk about the weather.. etc, that type.

They call my partner every other day asking what days off he has. This drives me insane, selfishly I want him to spend his days off with me and the baby as a family as I'm alone all week while he works. But still - he tells them his days off, they come multiple times a week, they like to wake the baby if she's asleep, when I'm in my pyjamas in bed they turn up and sit on my bed and talk small talk about what they had for dinner for 4 hours. they don't ask about the baby, or how I am, or show any interest. Just come, hold the baby, ignore her in their arms and continue to talk about themselves until I look pale as death and am dropping off to sleep - they leave.

I've spoken to my partner about it, told him I feel tired, awkward, I dislike how little interest they have in the baby. the whole time I was pregnant they never asked how I was or any baby related questions, just spoke about their retirement/herb gardens and old village gossip. Lol. I'm quite an inquisitive person and I like conversation with depth, so this drives me crazy talking about that kinda stuff. But still, he fights back and says it's his baby too. It's his family and they have a right. Yes they do but not every f-ing week!!!! Why don't they get it!! Once a month is normal to me. We are a new family, leave us alone.

I don't know what to say anymore. I want my baby around warm, loving kind people, they just come to talk about themselves, wake my baby up , try to tell me my parenting techniques are wrong, and leave.

I cannot stand them, but I know it's his family so I have to suck it up, but what on earth do I say?

I would have loved some family members to come around once a week and take my newborn off me while someone makes me a cup of tea or I go to sleep for an hour. We're not all as lucky as you/your partner to have loving parents close by.

As PP have said, plan in advance a window for them to come: Wednesdays at 4pm for an hour or whatever. And tell them not when the baby is sleeping or to go in to your room!

Congratulations and sorry about your traumatic birth.

Make the most of it, if they're coming when you're tired hand over the baby and go for a bath and a nap. Ask someone to make you a sandwich/cup of tea/stick a wash on. If they want to be around make them useful, My mil did this and it was fab - I didn't lift a finger for most of my maternity leave.

Well I can understand what you mean. You just want to recover from birth and enjoy your new family. How I understand it, you want you PIL to be involved with the baby in the future but right now you'd like a bit of space.
Maybe just say they can come on x day at y hour for z amount of time. So you can be ready, sit in the living room, have a cup of tea, chat about village life, they can have a cuddle and then you can crack on with your day.
Do they bring you food? If not, maybe say they could help in that way. Maybe they'll be happy to help and dont know what to do.
Let us know how you get on.

Maybe they feel uncomfortable and are unsure what to talk about around you.
They are obviously very excited about their dgd or they wouldn't be ringing your dp and wanting to come round.
I think once a week is reserved for new grandparents.
They could be wanting to help but are scared to ask you.

I think that you should talk to these people,and tell them that you are still feeling rough,and would like some peace and quiet for a while, so they should maybe visit less often right now. Of course they wan't to see your baby, despite the problems you have with their ways, but it's your right to say how you feel right now.

YABU. You won't always feel this utterly enchanted by your baby, and in a few months or years, you may be glad that your baby is close to your PILs so that your child can spend time with them and you can do things child free from time to time.

Just because you don't like them much doesn't mean that you get to push them out of your partner's life or steal the chance of having a lovely relationship with grandparents from your child. It's quite controlling tbh.

I actually totally get where you’re coming from as I feel this way about my in laws.

It’s difficult because before I had my daughter we saw them about one a month, all fine- we’d have a roast dinner and make small talk.

Then all of a sudden they’re here every week, MIL is very clingy with the baby (now toddler) and they are very judgemental about parenting.

What you need to do is set firm boundaries and make sure your DH knows so he can back you up. Make visits shorter, be assertive and tell them when you don’t want to hear their advice. It will only get worse so you might as well start standing up for yourself now- you are family after all and they need to effectively learn how to be grandparents during those early months/ years so you can all get along.

It's clear you don't like your inLaws and I think that's shaping a lot of how you feel. Once a week isn't that much, babies change and despite them not doing what you think is socially acceptable they are clearly interested in their grandson.

What isn't good of them is to barge into your personal space and give you hassle for your parenting. That isn't cool. That said, a lot of grandparents will say this and that about parenting and it's part and parcel of new parenting.

I think your major issue is with them as people and less about your child. Your DP has a right to have his parents round to see their grandchild. You don't say how much your family see your child and I suspect they see them more and you're happy with that.

try and cut them some slack and establish some boundaries.

This would annoy me too. I feel for you OP!

I don't think once a week is that often really and I cant really see what they are doing wrong, They obviosuly are interested in the baby otherwise they wouldn't visit. It sounds as though they are trying hard to have a conversation with you by chatting about trivia. If there is something else you want to talk about perhaps you could start the conversation. Also perhaps they could help you out as previous posters have said have a shower or bath while they are visiting , or have a nap.I understand you don't like them and thats fine you don't have to but they are your child's family and your child can not have too many people to love her.
FYi my grown up children never swear in front of me or their DF or their in laws, It doesnt mean we don't all get on very well.

I feel for you. My IL's drive me mad. But once a week is not unreasonable to visit I'm afraid. I'd love to ban mine from visiting for life but have to suck it up.
You can make it a bit more bearable for yourself though. I'd start with telling them that you're out of the newborn bubble and it's important for you and the baby to establish a routine. Explain that there's been too many people coming and going lately. From now on baby's naps won't be interrupted, by anyone. Tell them that you will need a while to establish your new routine and it'd be better if they called on Friday/Saturday/Sunday morning for the few hours from now on. If they're still getting on your nerves while they're visiting just make the most of it by getting some jobs done or going for a sleep yourself.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. It’s an overwhelming time, you’re trying to recover, it’s totally understandable that right now you don’t want to have to deal with them too along with everything else.

I wouldn’t stop swearing in front of them in my own place. What are they going to do, stop coming round so much?!

I think maybe you just need to shift the dynamic a bit so you are in control rather than them choosing when to visit and descending on you when you want to sleep.

Agree with your partner which day you will invite them to visit. Set the limits on the visit eg "would you like to come round on Saturday at 3pm for some tea and cake. We need to start settling the baby by 5.30pm/6pm though".

Then when they're there, let your partner do the hosting - make a bit of small talk and have a cuppa with them, then excuse yourself to have a bath or a nap.

It's reasonable for your partner to want his family to visit weekly, but you need to compromise with other - agree on the day and times and make sure you're both on the same page.

Once a week is fine but as pp said set it up so that it works better for you. Invite them to come round for a couple of hours when you're ready for them and have a good reason for them to leave after the couple of hours are up.

I know it's hard. I know. I've felt a lot of these things myself.

My in-laws used to come round several times a week. I couldn't cope with it. Them doing this also meant that I didn't have the time to see my own family... I suggested fortnightly visits, so we could see my family one weekend, and in the in-laws on the following one. This works and it's fair for all parties. Everyone is happy!

Please try and be fair. It's important for a child to have relationships with both sides of their family.

I totally get where you're coming from but they're part of your family now and once a week isn't a huge amount. Most of my DP's family hated me and were quite nasty to me until they found out I was pregnant, now suddenly they all want to be my best friend, I found it hard at first and felt similar feelings to you. It's hard because you are suddenly having to spend a lot of time with people who are only in your life through circumstances but it's a small amount of time in the big picture so try to grin and bear it because it will be lovely for your DD to have a good relationship with all her family.

Oh and my Mil woke up my DS once when I was out the room, I couldn't believe it. I'd spent so long getting him to sleep so was understandably annoyed. He started crying straight away so had to take him and do it all over again Now any time anyone goes near him whilst he's sleeping I make it clear(in a polite way) to leave him til he wakes.