Playgroups and toy snatching

[MeadowHay]

Wasn't sure what to call this .

I have 1DD who is 15 months. What do you do if you take them to a playgroup and they're playing with something and

1. Another child comes and takes (or tries to take) the toy they're playing with off your DC?
2. Your DC takes/tries to take a toy that another DC is playing with?

At this age obv DD has no concept of sharing and lots (most?) of the DC at the playgroups also don't understand it. Also I have issue 1 far, far more because DD can't walk yet.

I tend to stay out of it but secretly support them if they wallop the offender.

I’d like to know the answer to this question too as I have a 14 month old who hates sharing and I’m clueless how play group politics work .

I usually just get her to give it back or give another toy back if she has taken a toy from another kid.

I was at a playgroup yesterday when a Dad just sat on his phone ignoring his son who was trying to snatch things. It annoys me when others do nothing about it so I usually intervene with DD. I guess if you teach them to share now it will get easier as they get older?

The only incidence of this I can recall was when a friend brought around her very v tall 2 year old boy to visit, my then 1 year girl.

He kept trying to hug dd, in an aggressive bear-like manner. DD was not impressed and other mother could see that. So she took toddler Jefferson to her and said, Matilda doesn't want to be hugged.

Jefferson then went in for another bear hug and I was v v proud of my just about able to stand up tot say 'GO 'WAY YEFF' while shoving him over.

I just kept out of it though. Thankfully other Mum had a sense of humour and said 'ain't nobody gonna mess with her!'.

Stay out of it as much as possible, while keeping an eye for unfairness from your tot's side. That's what I'd do. If dd was being unfair, I'd discuss sharing with her, but if someone was being unfair to her, I let her fight her own battles.

I manage my own child as much as I can to make sure he doesn’t snatch and tried to play fairly. Other people’s kids behaviour is not my issue.

I am pretty hands on with this stuff.

1. I would ask the kid to give it back (and take it back if necessary) "excuse me, my little boy was playing with that" and then "thank you, we will let you have a turn next"

1. Same in reverse with my son.

I know lots of posters on here think you should just let toddlers fight it out but that generally results in some kids always getting pushed around (suspect not the kids of the posters who think that). It's important to me that my children don't snatch so if I am going to enforce that strongly with them, I don't think I can turn a blind eye when it happens to them.

Around here there's a real mix of approaches that I see at groups to this - I notice that the nannies tend to be all over it, the childminders very hands off and parents in between

I think it depends on whether you think the tot is able to fight his/her own battles. They can surprise you!

I agree I wouldn’t let DD handle it herself. She’s too young and has a tendency to throw things.. I don’t want to be the Mum of the toddler who has hurt another child!

Everything @Settlersofcatan.

You have to stop it by actively parenting your own child so if a toy is snatched from them you say no and retrieve it. Same if your child does the snatching.

Meant to be everything Settlersofcatan said.

See all your responses are mixed. I am particularly concerned because I kind of agree with Settlers that being hands off does seem to encourage the bolshy children to go around doing as they please (lol I don't mean that to sound loaded, I know they don't understand) and more sensitive, smaller children having a bad time and bearing the brunt of it. My DD is v sensitive and as a girl I'm particularly conscious of gender politics and how boys and girls are raised differently. DH and I were talking about this together and we both agreed on reflection it is overwhelmingly little boys at groups who are taking toys off DD and not little girls. I don't believe that can always be a coincidence, which is sad.

So far I realise I have been not letting DD take a toy off another child, but then not doing anything when someone takes one off her, which always makes her cry and upsets her. Occasionally the parent of the other child will take it off their child and give it back, but probably 80% of the time they won't, or they don't notice (which in cases where parent has 2 to watch, I particularly understand). This is primarily because I don't want conflict with other parents I think, as I have an anxiety disorder. But I don't want to teach my DD, especially as a girl, that she has to share and be nice and not take things but other people can walk all over her and take stuff off her, that doesn't seem fair at all and def not the message I want to give her .

DH says he also doesn't intervene when another child takes something off DD but he also intervene if she takes something from another child. Which at least is a more coherent message than mine I think. But I think it's not kind to snatch things off other kids lol and also DD has stuff taken off her much more than she takes stuff off others, as she doesn't usually like to go near any other children. Other kids come up to her, take stuff and then walk off with it all the time and she cries because she wants it and she can't walk to go and get it back.

As above with the active parenting-I would always intervene. I did read something very interesting recently about how ‘sharing’ is a bit of a bullshit concept, especially in the way we/I often employ it.
Ie my child playing with something someone else wants, I become socially awkward after a few mins and take it off my child and hand it over saying ‘you have to share’
Look up the concept I’d turn-taking, I use that now and it works a lot better (I’ll try and find link)

DH also doesn't* intervene if DD takes something off another child, I meant.

www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/parenting/its-ok-not-to-share?utm_medium=Affiliate&utm_source=10078-&clickid=1oASjvQ3VxyJWOiwUx0Mo3EzUklV4hxemQBtRM0&irgwc=1

I think this is a critical learning curve for ALL children. When you're the littlest hobo, you're likely to get things taken off you. It's a cruel world! When she's bigger, she'll probably grab something off a tiny 9month old boy. This is life.

If I'm sitting with my little one and another child tries to snatch, I will hold onto the toy and say "we're playing with that at the moment" but if they grab and run there's not much you can do. I've often felt like a bit of a doormat to a random 2 year old. Round here mums usually do make the child return the toy if they notice, you'll always have the odd one who doesn't care what their child does! If my child takes a toy I always make her give it back but she doesn't really do it to other children.
Of course it is harder when you have two who are going in different directions, mine are close in age and I stopped going to toddler groups altogether for a while because it was more stress then it was worth.

I got to this point through really thinking about what message I wanted my kids to take from these interactions - that it's not ok to snatch and also that I will stand up for them.

My nearly 3 year old almost never snatches and some of that is probably that he is naturally sweet natured but I also think the hard line that we have taken has helped. My DH was much more shy about it initially but I talked him round by pointing out that it is not right for our son to be upset because we won't stick up for him.

I agree that there is a gendered element to this generally - though last week at playgroup, I spent the whole time trying to get two girls to stop nicking cars off my boy!

Settlers. You're teaching your son (albeit not consciously), that he can't stick up for himself.

Yadid I don't think I agree with that tbh. I mean firstly, a non-walking, pre-verbal, sensitive 15 mo actually can't stick up for herself. She literally can't. She just cries and looks at me. Secondly, I thought most of teaching children is about modelling behaviour to be copied. So surely by not letting the toy be snatched, saying things like "oh no, sorry, X is playing with that, you can have a turn afterwards" or whatever, over time that is teaching your DC what to do/say when they are a bit older and able, so they can copy that behaviour and do it themselves and advocate for themselves? Surely if you don't do anything, you're not teaching them any way to deal with the situation themselves other than a feeling of helplessness that there isn't anything you can do about it?

yadid I use my judgement - if he is handling it, I now let him (though at 14 months, he wasn't capable of doing so ever). But I don't think I have ever seen children younger than 2.5 or so handle these interactions on their own well - what tends to happen is the bigger/more aggressive kid wins.

You're teaching your son (albeit not consciously), that he can't stick up for himself

I have two issues with this. One, some children are unable to stick up for themselves. Whether it’s a non verbal, immobile baby like in the OP, or children that are physically much smaller than their peers. My DD is 5, and tiny. She is in a mixed year class in which 70% of the pupils are a school year above her. She’s also the youngest in the class which means most of the other children are at least a head taller than her and physically much stronger. She is physically (and mentally, because big kids are intimidating) overpowered.

Secondly, if every parent taught their child not to snatch, or be violent, or unkind, the less confident children wouldn’t have to stick up for themselves.

I have a strict policy of "no taking the toy" - that applies to my DS (13 months) if he takes something another child plays with and other children if they try to take something he plays with. I don'd ask DS or other children to share anything. The exception is the swings at our local playground - where there seems to be a fairly well-established system of taking turns; so if another child/parent queues up, you play a little longer and then you graciously give the swing to the next person.

I think sharing will come naturally when they're a little older. At 13/15 months, I wouldn't enforce sharing.

Having said all that re my strict policy, I do find that sometimes if left to their own devices, (some) kids figure out a way to solve the issue themselves. So sometimes I stay on the sidelines (like sit on the edge of the sand box) and watch them do their thing, only intervening if there is hitting/scratching/biting/any hint of physical injury. But that's a judgment call, i.e. whether they look like they can handle it reasonably well. And tends to be the exception. Mostly I enforce the "no taking" policy.

I think about this a lot! :)

I am really glad I started this thread and it has really made my mind up in a quick time frame! Thanks everyone who replied. I feel guilty about how I've handled this so far, like I've been letting DD down because of my own anxiety. I don't want my anxiety to become hers and I can't let it stop me from advocating for her, she needs to know her DM will always protect her and be her advocate when needed! I am late but better late than never. Thing is, she is in nursery 3 days a week, I have no idea what they do about it there.

I was a childminder and saw at lot of this. I would always protect my charges, whether that be nodding at the older ones to say yes they could keep their toy. I always got them to say they could have it when they'd finished. Younger ones would be closer and I'd stop other children taking toys saying the same thing.
How would you feel if you picked something up and some arse cane and took it out of your hands.
If I felt my child was hogging a toy I would put a timer on my phone.

My neice would crawl up to snatchers and smack them in the face before taking the toy back, even from 13 months or so. My nephew on the other hand wouldn’t fight back straight away but if it happened a lot would lose control and dole out smack downs. At that age the goal is to raise assertive kids - I would never have gotten involved to ask them to stop fighting back.