Is a two year age gap hell? Don't know if I can do it

[SaltK]

I've found myself unexpectedly pregnant with a 15 month old DS. I'm very, very on the fence, I actually went for a termination today but they couldn't see enough so I have to wait a week.

DH and I are going back and forth. I just don't know if I could cope. DS was a terrible sleeper and still often has bad nights, and I really struggled his first year. But it feels selfish to end a pregnancy because I'm worried I'll be tired and overwhelmed, but I'm scared we won't cope and it'll adversely affect my mental health, DHs mental health, and therefore our DS. I feel absolutely awful at the thought of a termination, especially because I had lots of pregnancies that didn't work out before DS and I would have done anything to have a baby. I can't believe I'm in this situation.

I don't know what to do. Sometimes I've been thinking "just go for it", but then I think, honestly could I do it? Lots of people seem to manage a 2 year age gap, but to me it just sounds so difficult. I don't want to regret my choice, but I have no idea what choice to make.

20 months between mine, I actually found it easier having two than having one, you know what's right for you and you have to put the existing members of your family first of course, but personally I used to get really very annoyed when people would try and tell me how hard my life must be when I actually went from being anxious and tired with pfb to relaxed and fulfilled with two of them.

Thanks, yes I've asked for it to be kept up now. Very grateful for all the insights here.

@SaltK whilst I don't have personal experience, we are actively planning for a 2 year age gap based on what lots of friends have said about their 2y gaps or friends with larger gaps. 2y gaps seem to work best. Friends all say it's hard work, but then most say that it was already hard. So what's a bit harder? DH and his brother have 18 months between them and are best friends. This is what we'd like. Wishing you the best of unexpected luck!

Yes I'd agree, if I had my time again, I'd choose a 2 year gap, it really does work!

I have 18 months between mine and I was worried. It has been really good so far. Don’t get me wrong there have been some hard moments but nothing terrible and most of the time it is really good. Ds1 wasn’t an easy baby so I was apprehensive of having another like him but ds2 has been really chilled. He’s 9mths now and ds1 adores his brother and there are some truly lovely moments between them which makes it all worth it.

They will be close enough in age to want to play the same things, do the same activities etc. By the time the baby is born your son will have grown and changed a lot. I wouldn't worry about it.
But you'll have GCSEs and Alevels the same year!

you'll have GCSEs and Alevels the same year

That's me, this year. Still think two years is the best possible age gap. I loved it when they were little. My firstborn was impossibly difficult, but having a second (easier) baby wasn't any harder, really. In fact, I don't remember the first year of having two being any harder than having one very demanding firstborn baby!

DD1 was a bad sleeper, DD2 was better. Frankly, any more than a 2y age gap and I would have massively resented dd2 for taking us backwards. It's a great gap

We're you going for a 2nd baby at some point? If so, I'd go for it. If you weren't then perhaps not.
I've friends with all different age gaps and there are pros and cons to all of them.
Only you know how you feel op.
I have a 4 year gap. It was hard when they were 2 and 6 years, otherwise pretty good.
I would expect a tricky year or so but then easier in the long run.

OP I don’t have experience of this personally but I have friends that do and whilst it’s been hard they wouldn’t change it and often say at least they got it out of the way quickly.

DP and I are talking of baby number 2, I’m very on the fence because I will have the lion share of care as he will work and I’ll be on maternity. He’s all for it of course.

Mine have a very nearly 2 year gap (birthdays in same week). The first year was hard, DS was a great toddler but DD was a clingy baby, but after that it was a great age gap. They're 22 and 20 now and have grown up together and share so many childhood memories and experiences.

No regrets.

19 months between mine and it's been great. Some tough times of course, but I think you get that with every gap. Aged 3 and 5 now and they get on so well it actually makes my life easier!

OP, I have twins so no age gap at all. They also both have disabilities so despite being 3 next week, developmentally they are much younger, still non verbal, still in nappies etc. I won’t lie, it’s very tough having to deal with two small ones who are entirely reliant on you and I have really struggled at times, but you can absolutely manage. You’re at a really tough stage with your toddler, getting mobile, climbing, unable to communicate- you should find it gets easier over the next year as things develop.

You'll manage OP!

I have 3 under 3 - a 2 and a half year old, a 1 and a half year old and a newborn! It's manic and crazy and we haven't slept much in the last 3 years, but it's totally worth it and I couldn't possibly imagine having children with larger age gaps!

Don’t feel ashamed of yourself OP, I’ve had shocking sleepers and was utterly miserable during lots of DC1’s first year. It took a lot of convincing myself to go for number 2 and when I did get pg (2 yr 4 month gap) I really really really wasn’t looking forward to having a baby again let alone a baby plus a still very difficult toddler. 2 yrs 4 months was a bit less of a gap than I’d wanted. I can completely understand how you feel.

Luckily DC2 was a much easier baby (although still a pretty bad sleeper as she got every bug going from DC1), but very chilled in the day thankfully. I won’t lie it was still very hard work in the first year or two mainly because DC1 was very difficult (SN as it turns out). I do think it’s unusual to get two such bad sleepers though! Also as a pp said, life was already pretty hard work with DC1 so it didn’t feel like a huge shock the way the change from 0 to 1 had. That’s the benefit of having a non sleeping child first nothing is a shock after that!

Ever since age 2 and 4 it has been a brilliant age gap and they play together all the time, are interested in the same things, have friends with similar age gap siblings (useful), and are very close. And I’m so glad to be through the baby days and not being governed by weaning or naps with an older child who I could be doing day trips with. In summary, many many good things about this gap after the first couple of years.

Do you have help you can rope in?

I have an 18 months gap, there were some tough times but there were also bonuses - my eldest was still napping for the first 8 months of my youngests life so I could generally get a break in the day. Now they’re a bit older they’re very similar in ability so we can do everything together. It’s been hard work and sometimes I feel like I’m on the edge but honestly now they are 3 and 1 and it’s still challenging but I see friends just having their second and feel quite relieved I’ve got it all done and out of the way 😂

14 month age gap here. You'll be fine with a 2 year gap!!!

But sounds like you're not ready for that so maybe a termination is the right thing for you/your MH for now?

Hi op just to say I have a baby similar age to yours and I would be absolutely devastated if I found out I was pregnant. I’ve found parenting so tough!
So please don’t beat yourself up for the way you feel. All the best whatever you decide.

My dc1&2 are two years apart (25m2w to be precise). I had PND after dc1, but not after dc2. In fact, we were advised not to TTC for dc2 until I was fully recovered from the PND. We decided to ignore that advice because it felt like passive waiting for a good thing to happen, rather than positive action to make a good thing happen.

The key difference between not coping after dc1 and coping after dc2, was being prepared.

Knowing and accepting that things might be tough. Not demanding of myself that I would bounce back. Not expecting Earth Mother or Yummy Mummy. Considering myself awesome for having got out of the house with two babies, rather than disgusting for having got out of the house with two babies while still wearing yesterday's underwear.

Practical stuff like having a cleaner for a couple of hours a week, like dh making me a huge plated cold lunch every day, and picking up vastly more than his fair share of the domestic chores.

Emotional stuff like making sure that we talked every evening. Between dc bedtime and our bedtime we always had a child-free half hour - that's when we got into the habit of doing newspaper puzzles together (still going 16y later). Obviously if a child needed us we went to them, but we tried not to talk about them during that half hour. Doing domestic chores together - may not be exactly a date night, but it's still companionable, still sociable, and vastly better than doing nothing together. Lots of cuddles and affection, but no assumption that sex would result.

Nobody can predict how it will be for you, emotionally. Nor what the baby could be like - I've had a mixture of sleepers and non-sleepers, refluxers and non-refluxers (one of my refluxers was an excellent sleeper!). Equally, a rough ride with one dc does not predict a rough ride with another.

Hope your choice, whatever it is, works out well for you.

Don't be ashamed at all! You are thinking about the best for your family.

If you decide to go ahead it will be tough but the second one is normally easier; You know what you're doing this time round. I had a 20 month gap and it was really hard some days. also no family support. but I made good friends, and even went on to have more! Be kind to yourself.

I had a 17 month gap between my two DDs and my DD2 was unplanned but we were happy as we intended to have 2 children and thought getting the baby years over quickly would work out well. Also our DD1 was a good sleeper. You rarely have 2 the same though and DD2 was a poor sleeper, unsettled and prone to tantrums but as they got older they played together and entertained each other so it got easier. I would say a 2 year gap is quite normal and nothing to say your 2nd will be a poor sleeper. You have to do what is right for you though.

Just to add I had depression when I found I was pregnant with no.2. We had trouble conceiving 1 and stupidly though we may take a while to get pregnant with no2.
I really struggled when I saw the positive test. How would I cope? How would no1 feel not being centre of attention? Could I love 2 children? Etc etc.
All this wasn't help when I developed OC and was told of the still birth risk, I just disengaged a bit from the pregnancy.
I was lucky in that no2 was healthy but screamed due to milk allergies most of the first 6months. I got though it all and look back at how inconsequential all those fears seem now. They are a little team and I wouldn't change a thing.

OP this isn't about how well other people cope with this age gap- this is a situation entirely individual to you, your DH and your son. You're worried about your mental health and that is completely and utterly valid. In my opinion it's less selfish to end a pregnancy (which will no doubt be distressing in itself) and retain your mental health for the sake of your son, rather than push on through a sense of guilt and put yourself under so much pressure you just about hold it together, or crack. Look after yourself.

18 month gap here and love it. Both my boys are into the same things now. Mine are currently 2yr4months and 10 months old and are just starting to interact. My 2 year old is starting to help me with his baby brother and he loves him! They share toys, watch Peppa pig and nap together. It's tough and my 2 year old still doesn't sleep but it's kind of better as I've just continued in the chaos and got it all over and done with quickly!

25 month age gap for mine. And first one was a horror for not sleeping too. Fortunately #2 was better. Although I actually think now that I got better at settling the younger one. I also thought two was easier than one. You know what to do and what not to do, the younger one is entertained just by the very presence of the older one. Yes, I loved having two! And when things got tricky I kind of liked the chaos. My family lived thousands of miles away so we were completely self sufficient. A little unit of four. Very nice to have that autonomy