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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

My lovely daughter has changed and I don't recognise her

31 replies

YouFellAsleep · 07/09/2019 17:38

Just that really, my lovely, funny nearly 15yo DD, has gone, only to replaced by a sullen, moody teenager.

DD, who was once, funny, helpful and wanted to join in, laughed and was kind her DB. Now, NEVER leaves her room, can't possibly do homework, make up, hair without her phone in her hand, listens to crap music and slobs about in her trackies!

This isn't my girl. I feel a little bit bereft.

I've learnt from MN to keep telling myself that's its only a phase and we'll laugh about it one day, but good folk in my phone please, please tell me it won't last forever!t

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MrsOrMiss · 07/09/2019 17:44

It doesn't last forever I promise.
With my children most returned to the lovely person they used to be. I had 6 and I am patiently waiting for 1 of them to return to normal, though I suspect who he has turned into is now the real him ☹️, he's 36 after all.

Pinkyrosie · 07/09/2019 17:46

I could have written your post word for word
I have 15 year old Dd and my 12 year old dd is now behaving the same.
It's blooming awful. Sorry, no help but I hear you!

RainbowCake · 07/09/2019 17:51

You have done so well to get her to 15 before she morphed.
Mine started being a stroppy sulky arse at around 9/10!
It does pass though, I have a lovely, funny,helpful 20yr old now, although I had serious doubts we would both come through alive or sober (me). She started showing human tendencies again at around 16 and was a fully fledged lovely person by 18.

I found not trying to make sense of strops, definitely not commenting on hair/clothes/makeup/ music etc... really helped my sanity.
Also from the age of 13-15 we made a pact to not speak to each other on a morning at all apart from "it's time to get up" and "bye".
Good luck!

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Thankyouplease · 07/09/2019 17:56

It doesn’t last. My now 16 year old DD has planned to spend Saturday evening watching Strictly and BGT with her old Mum. Even 6 months ago this would not have happened.

MissMogwai · 07/09/2019 17:57

She will come back. I've been through that (and sadly much worse) with my now almost 18 year old DD. She's now a pleasant, funny and considerate young woman.

It was a very hard slog. I think it's hard when they used to be lovely and then 'snap' they change.

IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying · 07/09/2019 17:58

You may want to ask HQ to edit that title, sounds like a bereavement thread.

oldenoughtoknow · 07/09/2019 17:59

My daughter at 16 was a Goth. Grumpy, messy, boyfriends of the same ilk, and I didn’t understand the music either! She’s now 30 and the sweetest person. She graduated with an excellent degree, has a very good career which is enabling her to buy her own house, and her boyfriend is lovely. We still don’t always agree on music though!

StealthPussy · 07/09/2019 18:01

Agree edit thread title. Could offend those who have really lost their daughters.

Lollypalooza · 07/09/2019 18:08

Well you haven’t lost your daughter, have you? Very insensitive thread title to bereaved mothers.

Original poster

YouFellAsleep · 07/09/2019 18:10

I really didn't think about the title, I'm sorry for any offence, I'm trying to get it changed.

Thank you for all the replies, I knew I wasn't on my own, just needed the reassurance.
I do try and bite my lip and let it all go over my head, but it's hard sometimes. Are boys as bad??

OP posts:

mogloveseggs · 07/09/2019 18:12

Ah it's bloody awful isn't it. Mines that age and still well in it.
Praying she will emerge

SunshineCake · 07/09/2019 18:13

Be relieved she's not dead. It was implied.

Original poster

YouFellAsleep · 07/09/2019 18:14

Honestly no offence was meant, I'm sorry

OP posts:

Justgivemesomepeace · 07/09/2019 18:14

I keep looking at a photo on the shelf of my sweet funny loving 6 yr old dd. I miss her. Shes now 16, confrontational, selfish and stroppy. I get a glimpse of the humour and compassion from time to time but only towards her little brother or her friends. Shes in there somewhere, im sure she'll be back one day!

KennDodd · 07/09/2019 18:19

I thought she'd died. I agree with others, change title.

MNHQ

JoMumsnet · 07/09/2019 18:36

@YouFellAsleep

I really didn't think about the title, I'm sorry for any offence, I'm trying to get it changed.

We've nipped in and changed the title, as requested. Hopefully the thread can get back on track now.

Original poster

YouFellAsleep · 07/09/2019 18:41

Righto, apologies for any offence caused, title has been changed, now talk to me about teenage girls

OP posts:

MollyButton · 07/09/2019 18:47

I'd be getting her to the GP to be honest. And being brutally honest I would also check her room for Drink, drugs and any blades (self harm). It sounds like she could be depressed and I wouldn't just leave it.
How is she doing at school? Has school mentioned any concerns.

Are there times you can talk to her? Have Mother daughter time?

Original poster

YouFellAsleep · 07/09/2019 19:27

We have talked and have got some time planned together, I'm sure it's just hormones and her age

OP posts:

surreygirl1987 · 07/09/2019 19:59

Have you checked her phone? I'm a schoolteacher and it's scary how much stuff goes on with pupils that parents just don't know about. It's probably just hormones / teenage dramas, but if it is something worse, her phone would be informative. (Not trying to start a debate about the morals of phone-checking btw!).

I like the idea of mother-daughter time too. Is there something that you know would be a real treat for her that you can invite her to with you? See if she opens up a bit? Off the top of my head - Ecape room or laser quest with food afterwards, horse riding, cinema, bowling, ice skating, clothes shopping, trampoline park, segwaying, morning, Go Ape...

stoneysongs · 07/09/2019 20:36

Same here OP (DD is 13). Infuriating and quite sad also. I have a DS 15 who was a bit moody around that age but there was nothing like the eye rolling, sarcasm, air of entitlement we are getting at the moment. In any other situation I just wouldn't bother with anyone behaving the way she behaves sometimes - it's not always easy to keep trying!

KellyHall · 07/09/2019 23:33

I was absolutely awful when I was a teenager and I am really lovely now! My mum said I am so it must be true, I was more horrible to her than anyone else at the time. I suppose because she was the closest person to me, and I read about some research the other day suggesting children's behaviour is often the most challenging towards those they feel safest around as part of testing boundaries and consequences.

I had a few issues with my biological father and health issues (mainly glandular fever and subsequently ME) so I became a nightmare around 12 and was a lovely, balanced and considerate person again around 18.

Original poster

YouFellAsleep · 08/09/2019 09:00

We have talked and I'm sure it's nothing more than teenage hormones, parents aren't cool any more, her little brother annoys her, her mates are much more fun than us.

Her schoolwork isn't suffering and she eats well, I'd just like to see her a bit more, I think there's also a bit more of a realisation on my part that she doesn't need me as much as she did when she was little. Of course she still needs us, but we've raised her to be independent and think for herself. It's also reassuring to know, I'm not on my own, lots of love to all you Mums of teenage girls.

I'll just be patient for now and silently chant 'it's only a phase'

OP posts:

Princessfaffalot · 08/09/2019 09:10

Yep, same! My once lovely dd is now a 15 year old incredibly “woke” know it all who thinks I’m a dinosaur and hates me. I’m hoping it will pass. She’s also identifying as someone/something else every week so the pronouns change pretty much daily as does her and should I dare to “misgender” or “deadname” her I should be taken out and shot as a transphobic. Sigh. I honestly couldn’t give a monkeys if she truly identified as a gender fluid unicorn...so long as she was happy. It’s the militant pro trans anti feminist I’m struggling with. My opinions are shot down and written off because she is so utterly worldly wise. I’m 32 I might add, not 102.

Princessfaffalot · 08/09/2019 09:11

I love her but I wish she’d leave me alone sometimes! From the minute she wakes up till she leaves for school she’s having a go at me and then again as soon as she gets in until she’s storms off to bed. She’s become a real bully to me and her younger siblings. I’m struggling to know what to do.

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