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Parenting

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Original poster

Am I in the wrong or my partner?

35 replies

Foxpaws91 · 06/09/2019 08:14

My son is 9 weeks old and he's had a tough time, he was delivered by emergency C-section because his heart stopped during labour (it started immediately after delivery) and he's had an ecoli infection at 4 weeks old, but he's getting better now.

Anyway, my partner always has a go at me for holding our baby. He says he is in my arms 24/7, he really isn't, my partner is at work during the day so how does he know that??? My son is honestly not in my arms all the time, but if he is crying I will try and soothe him. When my partner is home, if our son cries he says it's my fault and there's nothing wrong with him, just that he wants to be held and he can be quite nasty about it. Am I wrong to soothe my son everytime he cries? Obviously I will check he is not hungry or needing changed, if not I will give him a cuddle to settle him. I know older babies can learn to cry for a cuddle but he's only 9 weeks 😐

Am I just being a soft new mam or is my partner being unreasonable?

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 06/09/2019 08:18

Oh God OP you're not in a good relationship there. SERIOUSLY bad for your partner to try to stop you holding your son.

You MUST think about leaving. This is bad. Has your partner said exactly what is wrong with you holding your son?

Windydaysuponus · 06/09/2019 08:22

Maybe bad vibes from his df make him cry?
He sound like a twat.
First Ltb of the day goes to you op.

TequilaMockingbird0 · 06/09/2019 08:25

Oh my goodness, he's 9 weeks, your partner is vile. Cuddle your beautiful baby all day! He's tiny and wants you- it's totally normal to hold a baby that small all day long!
Are you and baby at any risk from your partner physically?

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roseapothecary · 06/09/2019 08:26

That's awful. Please hold your baby as much as you and he wants and needs. Babies cannot be held or cuddled too much.
Do you have any support outside your partner?

Rainbowqueeen · 06/09/2019 08:26

Google fourth trimester.

You have had a tough start but are definitely doing the right thing for your wee boy. Is your partner jealous? Or is he shocked and struggling to understand how much having a baby changes your life

Remind him that the end of the day when baby is cranky and tired and needs his mum is when he sees him. Have a chat to your HV too. She might have ideas about how to help your partner understand the realities of a baby.

MustStopSnacking28 · 06/09/2019 08:27

Your partner is wrong - you cannot spoil a newborn! Please don’t listen to him! It sounds like he is jealous and it’s not healthy

BlueAndYellowPurplePills · 06/09/2019 08:27

Cuddle your child as much as you can, while planning to leave.
Is your partner jealous per chance?

There’s many a study that proves cuddles are good for babies!

BertrandRussell · 06/09/2019 08:28

You are right. He is being unreasonable. And he will get worse. You need to consider whether you can stay with him.

Wonderland18 · 06/09/2019 08:29

I reckon he’s not bonding with your DS and is feeling irrational about it. It’s easiest to blame you as you both bonded so well.

Cuddle your baby all you want, even if he’s always in your arms he will soon get distracted by toys when he’s crawling about and you might as well enjoy your cute warm newborn cuddles.

littlestrawby · 06/09/2019 08:32

Absolutely cuddle your baby all the time if that's what he needs! And I'd think twice about leaving your tiny baby alone with your partner, sorry OP

Original poster

Foxpaws91 · 06/09/2019 08:33

He says me holding him is making him clingy, I honestly don't know how he can say this about a baby. I don't know if he's feeling left out or what, I was breast feeding up until 7 weeks, then my ds decided he didn't want to latch on anymore (except at night 🤔) and stopped feeding properly so ive started expressing milk and bottle feeding him it instead, so a lot of my time is spent expressing and feeding and doing housework, and he seems to get annoyed when I can't spend time with him when he's finished work or if I'm tired, he doesn't openly say anything but I get bad vibes from him.

OP posts:

FelixFelicis6 · 06/09/2019 08:35

This is so so so sad to read. OP you are in an abusive relationship. You are at your most vulnerable at the moment and he knows that. You cannot cuddle your new baby too much, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Do you have family and friends you are close to and see often?

AmIThough · 06/09/2019 08:39

Your DP is wrong, and an idiot.

Cuddle your baby as much as you want to.
If he cries, pick him up.

KissyThief · 06/09/2019 08:40

My partner did this and it’s not abusive, unreasonable yes but men get jealous. Babas are almost always more unsettled in the evening. Follow your instinct mama, your doing nothing wrong and your just trying to figure out your relationship as parents.

Just tell him that actually holding him and soothing him is the best way to support his development. Cortisol (stress hormone) is released when baba cries, the less amount of cortisol in the brain the more nerve pathways baba can form.

If he doesn’t listen tell him that your parenting your lo the way you should. It’s natural to want to soothe a crying baby, if you don’t like I’ll go for a walk for half an hour and see how your ignoring method works out. I did this with my first (now have three). I came back after 15 mins because I couldn’t cope with the thought of baba crying non stop for half hour and my dh was bouncing him on his knee and they were laughing and smiling. He agreed with me and said he couldn’t just let him cry it out.

burritofan · 06/09/2019 08:40

This is so sad, and not right. I'd say it's not normal but sadly a lot of men react like this when they're "pushed out" by the baby.

OP, your baby is TINY and brand-new. He can't be clingy, he doesn't even know who or what he is or what the heck is going on. He needs holding and cuddling and coddling; your partner should be doing this too.

I hope you have family support or close friends nearby; please think about leaving. Your partner shouldn't be nasty to you at any time, let alone 9 weeks after a traumatic birth.

It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job; expressing and feeding is hard work. Well done, and cuddle that baby!

Original poster

Foxpaws91 · 06/09/2019 08:43

And no I don't have any family close by, we moved away to seaside village 5 years ago which is great and I love it but I do feel a bit isolated now as he has family up here but I don't, my mam lives 50 miles away but my car is in pieces in a garage and she's on holiday for 3 weeks. I know it sounds awful but I could never leave my ds with my partner, I honestly think he would just let him cry or get annoyed at him.

OP posts:

alienm · 06/09/2019 09:02

Does he hold the baby much? Might be worth starting to give the baby to your DP when he gets home from work - "here, hold him while I go to the loo/put the washing on/fold the washing/whatever needs doing". Once he's had him a few times (while you're there) he might find the act of cuddling baby after work is a good thing, and gives him an opportunity to bond, which he might be struggling with if he's out of the house a lot, especially after a traumatic birth. Did he have much time at home to settle in as a new family after you got home from hospital?

ChangeItChild · 06/09/2019 09:02

Cuddle your baby as much as you want OP (mine are teens now and I really miss those cuddles!)

Your DP doesn't sound like he knows very much about parenting. Trust your instincts and stand up to him. 'I'm his mother, I spend all day with him, I know him best. Stop giving useless and incorrect advice you are adding to my stress' be firm OP, put that silly man in his place.

Original poster

Foxpaws91 · 06/09/2019 09:38

I do give him to my partner when he comes in and he's great and cuddles him but as soon as he cries it's like he doesn't want to know and it's all my fault and he changes.

Thank you for all the support!

OP posts:

Wonderland18 · 06/09/2019 09:43

Sounds so much like he doesn’t know how to soothe him and is just getting angry at that. He could be feeling inadequate cause your so good with the baby and he’s not, no excuse though.

MarySibleysFamiliar · 06/09/2019 09:44

Babies need cuddles just as much as they need milk and sleep. It's a biological fact. They're designed to require physical contact and comfort and to become distressed when ignored. "Spoiling" comes much much later. I'm the first to say hell no to spoiling a toddler or older. Now THAT bites you in the arse if you do it.

Beccy82 · 06/09/2019 10:04

Honestly your other half sounds like a prick. Don't let him get to u. If u didn't cuddle the baby he'd say your not mothering enough and not a very loving mother! Your doing exactly what other mothers do, if they cry and not hungry or dirty then we give a cuddle. There's nothing wrong with that at all your building a bond. Of course there is such a thing as cuddling too much but by going by your post your not.
I think your other half is jealous of the attention your giving your son. Well boohoo. Maybe he should start giving his son cuddles when he cries instead of sitting on his arse having a in at u.

LittleDidIKnowThen · 06/09/2019 10:12

Your not wrong OP. Babies need constant attention & reassurance. If their needs are ignored they may grow up rather insecure and may not learn they can depend on you x

WhoKnewBeefStew · 06/09/2019 10:16

Your dc is 9 weeks old ffs! Of course you should cuddle him. Babies at that age don't manipulate their parents to cuddle them..

Your partner needs to grow up, sounds like he's jealous of your child. You need to sit down with him and get to the bottom of this. Why is he happy to hold and cuddle him until he cry's for instance? That's just an odd thing for a parent to do. It's a naturals
Instinct To cuddle a crying baby

Hyggemama · 06/09/2019 10:18

I don't think there is enough info to call "abusive relationship" on this. He certainly is trying to impose his parenting style (which is outdated and incorrect btw OP) You can't cuddle a baby too much. But your partner might need some educating on typical newborn behaviours. There are some great books, would he read them? I'll try to find the names of them. And Attachment Parenting UK shares lots of articles to explain what normal newborn behaviour is. He might just be mirroring the parenting he has been exposed to as he knows no other way. HTH

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