Getting no help from partner.

[Anon21]

I really need some advice please. My fiancé had our first baby 3 months ago & we are loving being parents. My problem is my fiancé doesn't really help me with him, I'm the only one getting up for feeds & nappy changes, which can be a long process because I'm combination feeding him. I'm looking after him all day on my own, while my fiancé is at work. I'm finding it exhausting doing it all by myself & I'm starting to resenting him. I didn't expect this, I really thought he'd be a hands on daddy. Our son is an easy baby, chilled, easy to look after & doesn't cry much. I know my fiancé works hard & long hours but I don't think I should be doing it all by myself 😒😠 When I talk to him about it, he'll help me for a day & things will go back to the same way. I also get him telling me how hard he works & I'm just sitting at home all day & that we should swap because his job is harder than mine. I don't really get help on his day off either. I'm so frustrated, we were talking about having another baby but I've told him that's not going to happen unless he starts stepping up & looking after his son.

Actions speak louder than words. Do NOT have another baby with him.

Having a job is no excuse not to help. He’s a parent now and needs to act like one.

It’s like you're a single parent except you’re not.

I had our baby, sorry sleep deprived mummy 😴

Offer to swap. Tell him to speak to his work about shared parental leave (might be too late I'm not sure how it works). He'll soon change his tune.

What's he like on his days off?

Remind him he's only working a 40 hour week (or whatever) while you're working 168 hours a week with baby.

I honestly feel like a single mum. I honestly don't know what to do, help!!!!

What are his working hours?
But yes - don’t even consider another baby with him if this is going to be the pattern

He owns his own business, he took two weeks off when I had him as I had a c section. He doesn't really help much on his day off either.

Does he hold the baby or is he completely disengaged?

Doe he do housework

No he holds him, cuddles him etc.

Yes, he does do housework. But even if the baby is unsettled & screaming (does happen very often), he won't come downstairs & help me. Last week our son was really unsettled & woke up a lot during the night & morning & even though my partner was awake & heard him (our DS), he didn't come to help me once.

Doesn't happen very often

The bay screaming doesn't happen very often. Sorry I know I'm not making much sense 😴

Ah the old my job is harder. You need to remind him that your body just grew a baby and will take up to a year before you are physically and emotionally recovered (actual study done by Salford University.)

I would ask him to take a few days off, you do the breastfeeding bit and he can do everything else. Dh did this when Ds1 was first born anyway, breastfeeding was the only thing he couldn't do for his son.

But, you need to rephrase how you speak to your partner. It is not helping it is parenting. "Helping" suggests it is solely your job. It isn't.

Some men fall into the she's not working mindset and expect you to revert back to the 1950s where women really did do everything and there was a reason that gin was so popular

When you can hand the baby over to him, do it. Don't say will you just take the baby, don't give him the option to say well actually I was just going to go for a long leisurely poo. Put the baby into his lap and say he/she needs their nappy changed or whatever. If he complains tell him you have changed X number of nappies already today and if he were to become a single parent then he would be doing all the nappy changes anyway.

Parenting is the good with the bad, caring for his child is not a good only option and no nappies or feeding.

I say this as someone who has been a SAHM for 15 years with two teenagers now.

I do sympathise and have had similar. Also know that many of us find the find the first few months( years?) of motherhood v v hard on many levels. It changes absolutely everything!
First off for your sanity get out and meet some other mums with babies of the same age join any baby group even if you're not really interested in the content and you will find other new mums keen to chat , suggest going for coffee - it really does help to get stuff off your chest to real people . Local library usually has a baby group.

Suggest hubbie has some regular special time with his baby on sat mornings - frame this as a positive! If combo feeding easier actually so he can do a bottle if needs be - i'd suggest they go out for a walk in sling , baby will prob sleep - ypu can go back to bed 😊 - and likely to feel more sane as a result.
So he is adjusting to all this change as well, I know my fella was a bit of a mess bit in a typically British male way was bottling it all up, prob be good to talk to him about it. I also find sharing things like the baby centre emails help with educating him about what the mummy is going through...
When you get a chance sometime in the week write down a list of all the household jobs , in as much detail as poss, and consider which ones are easiest/hardest at the moment (this will change as babe gets older) and after. Then ask hubbie to take sole responsibility for some of these. Explsin that this is a great practical way of looking after you and the baby. Also reduces mental load for you- im assuming you do most of this stuff... defo help my other half to see stuff written down , think it's taken him years to realise what actually goes into keeping house... and this is obv hard when juggling a baby.
Oh yes don't have another baby straight away! Get used to one first xx

Stop using the word 'help'. That assumes it's all your responsibility. It's not. He will see 'helping' as optional.

He is not stepping up to his parental responsibility when he needs to. Don't ask him to help...tell him he needs to be a dad.

So he is not bothering to parent his child at all? He’s just opted out?

Stop using the phrase ‘help me with’: this is his baby as much as yours, he’s not an optional helper he’s a father.

My XDH was like this. The children have absolutely no memories of doing anything simple and fun with their dad and they see him for what he is now the are grown up. And it did our relationship no good either. Is that what he wants?

OP I had the exact same problem as you. Until my DS turned one I did every night feed, 95% of nappies and feeding and bathing and care, all housework and cooking etc. I ended up wanting to murder DP as I was sleep deprived and that led me to be anxious and obsessive. It was exhausting. Eventually I sat DP down and explained i would leave him if things didn't change.

DS is now 16 months and DP is much more hands on and often apologises for how much he missed. Because he really missed out with tiny DS.

DS sleeps through now which helps but DP gets up if DS wakes early, he cooks us dinner often and generally pulls his weight around the house.

Be strong and firm. For you and your baby!

I don't really understand. He works long hours, he does hold and cuddle the baby and he does help with housework? He just doesn't help on the rare occasion the baby is screaming? But you said this rarely happens. I'm confused about what he isn't doing. Do you mean that he doesn't help when the baby is unsettled but this isn't very often? It's tough being a mum and there will be times that you feel alone and overwhelmed but if he's helping with the housework, taking the baby to give you a break (cuddling, holding etc) and working long hours with one day off, wouldn't you say that's pulling his weight? Granted I think he should help with nappy changes and help you with the screaming but you say the screaming is rare and he is very chilled

From your follow up I agree with @AMAM8916. What do you want him to do? It sounds like he's doing a lot.

You'd be upset if he came and took the baby off you every time he cried too.

No that's not what I said. The housework isn't the problem, the housework isn't important. The problem is he's not doing his share as a parent. For the past 3 months I am the only one getting up to feed & change our son. Even when I had to start & combination feed. My partner was excited when the combination feeding started, saying how he was going to do night feeds etc but that's never happened, he never has, I'm still being left to do it all by myself.

Our son doesn't cry much but when he is unsettled & screaming & I'm struggling to settle him early hours of the morning & my partner can hear him, he doesn't ever think to come & help me.

I don't know if I'm missing something here but there's no point you both being up doing the night feeds. One of you gets up and one of you sleeps, surely?

If you want him to do one, nudge him when the baby wakes and say it's your turn.

He's not doing any that's my point.

I'm combination feeding

You need to talk to him about what a fair share looks like. It sounds like he is doing some things but it might not be the right things to support you in the way you want.

So what would support you? When your DS isn't settling, do you tell your partner or are you expecting him just to know you need a hand? I ask because when you're half asleep it's hard to know how long it's been going on for (I've been guilty of this in the past). I used to go and wake my DH up if I was really struggling and he'd get up and take over for a bit. Over the weekends we'd agree in advance who was doing the night wake ups and who was having what lie in so it would split and we'd both get a chance to catch up a bit of sleep.

I don't know any couple with a young baby who hasn't had some sense of resentment or massive row about what happens at 4am. You just have to keep communicating.

He's getting all the sleep though, I'm the only one getting up & sorting him out. I shouldn't be doing it all by myself all day & all night, day in day out, we're supposed to be a team!