Getting no help from partner.

[Anon21]

I really need some advice please. My fiancé had our first baby 3 months ago & we are loving being parents. My problem is my fiancé doesn't really help me with him, I'm the only one getting up for feeds & nappy changes, which can be a long process because I'm combination feeding him. I'm looking after him all day on my own, while my fiancé is at work. I'm finding it exhausting doing it all by myself & I'm starting to resenting him. I didn't expect this, I really thought he'd be a hands on daddy. Our son is an easy baby, chilled, easy to look after & doesn't cry much. I know my fiancé works hard & long hours but I don't think I should be doing it all by myself 😒😠 When I talk to him about it, he'll help me for a day & things will go back to the same way. I also get him telling me how hard he works & I'm just sitting at home all day & that we should swap because his job is harder than mine. I don't really get help on his day off either. I'm so frustrated, we were talking about having another baby but I've told him that's not going to happen unless he starts stepping up & looking after his son.

I keep saying to him, he needs to do his share too, that we're supposed to be a team but nothing's really changing. I don't know what to do anymore.

Hand him the baby and a bottle and leave the house to go for a walk or the shops or maybe even just get a bath. Sit down and tell him it’s not optional he’s just as much a parent as you. He doesn’t have to do as many nights as you but definitely help out especially on weekends when he isn’t up for work. I know it’s easy for me to say this but it’s not optional for him, he just has to take some of the stress off. If you keep doing it all he will keep letting you. Oh and please don’t consider having another child with him until he’s stepped up!

Sounds like a selfish arse! He should definitely be helping you with the night feeds now the baby has formula. Yes the first 6 months are knackering but that's life, and he needs to suck it up and be a good dad and partner!

@Anon21 my husband has 2 days off a week he will share a lay in with me .. by this I mean he does all the night feeds and will let me lay in .

Now he wakes me up doing it and I end up finding things for him ( still 🙄 9 months in ) but I hand him what he can’t see and then roll back over ... and try to sleep through the 1 am bottle and play session but he does it and I get my lay in and for that I am so grateful
Your husband needs to do the same ... now I sometimes need to kick my husband to wake him for the feeds ... ( not hard because I have a willing partner ) but perhaps agree this ... oh and if bare feet doesn’t work he steel capped boots may be in order.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason! X

He works weekends & they're his busiest time at work, but did agree to Monday-Thursday.

Is the issue that he isn't volunteering to help? As much as we shouldn't have to ask, with some men it just needs to be done until it finally stinks in and they do it automatically. My partner said the same thing about combination feeding and that he would get up to help out but he needed reminding a few times to do it. We ended up setting a schedule so one night I put baby to bed and do night feeds then he does it and so on. Maybe you could try that?
Do not accept that he goes to work so is tired, that is not an excuse not to parent your child. Your child will be there whether you work or not, whether your tired or not so he needs to step up. My partner dared say this to me once so on his day off I got up first thing, said I was going out, left him with baby and a list of jobs that needed doing and I didn't return until the evening. He realised how demanding a baby could be and how difficult and draining it can be too and has never muttered a complaint since. Perhaps you should try this, as another poster has said its not giving him an option he has to parent. Good luck

However the Monday-Thursday agree hasn't happened

It's both, it's that he's not volunteering & that even when I ask him to he doesn't, I'm getting sick of talking to him about all the time. I shouldn't have to wait for him to volunteer or have to ask him all the time, he should want to look after his son, feed him, change him. I'll definitely try that, thank you for your advice!

I had this problem for about 16 months, not far past that now but much better. My son would only really settle with me despite also combination feeding. I did all the bedtimes and all the night wakes (and there were a lot - still are).. also alone all day with him from 630am to 615pm. It got so exhausting that I decided he needed to do bedtime settling, and in turn he could then do some night wakes. We have been doing this for a few months and it's sooo much better. The bedtime really helped with their bonding too.

Wow 18 months, that's a long time to be doing it all by yourself. I'm glad your partner finally stepped up & he's bonding with his child. Doing it all by myself for 3 months is driving me crazy so I definitely couldn't put up with 18 months of it.

Sorry 16 months, typed 18 by mistake 🙈

So does he have days off in the week? If so ask him to take responsibility for night feeds for his non working days.

I have empathy but also recognise that if someone is going to work that also is challenging. I had a complete non sleeper for nearly 2 years but Ex always slept through, he literally would not wake despite noise. It was lucky for him as I am a very light sleeper so always woke.