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Parenting

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Original poster

Leaving my 8 year old for half an hour

82 replies

Kirsttm32 · 02/09/2019 22:36

Hi, I need some advice. My partner is starting a new job next week with later finishes. I work shifts. I've been going over our rosters and theres going to be a few days a month (at most ) where I have to leave home by 18.40 and my partner will not finish until 18.30( guaranteed finish) with a 30 minute commute. My daughter is 8 in her final year at lower school. She likes to think shes 8 going on 18. Question is are we awful parents if we ask her If she would be comfortable staying in the house for those 20- 30 mins alone. Does anyone do this already and if so has it gone ok ? T.i.a

OP posts:

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Happyspud · 03/09/2019 22:26

I think depending on the child it’s fine. You could have her on the phone to you the whole time, even just an open line.

People are very very over protective in the UK.

surreygirl1987 · 03/09/2019 23:21

I see your dilemna but i wouldn't do it until at least 10. Is there a neighbour who could pop round for half an hour, or a local babysitter that could so it? People are always advertising this sort of thing on the local Facebook group in my town- I bet you'd get someone easily.

LadyGodiva83 · 03/09/2019 23:25

Seeing as your partner has taken this new job I'd get them to figure it out. They can arrange and pay for a baby sitter.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

8 year olds Families General parenting

Babdoc · 03/09/2019 23:36

My DC came home alone every day from the village primary when they were 7 and 9. They had a house key and looked after themselves until I got in from work an hour and a half later.
I think some UK mothers are terribly overprotective, and I wonder how their DC cope when they are finally, belatedly, given some responsibility?
My two knew which neighbour to contact in an emergency, and knew my hospital work number was programmed into our home phone.
This was before the days of the ubiquitous mobile phone!
They were perfectly capable of getting themselves a cold drink and a biscuit, and were very sensible and resourceful. They had to be - DH died when they were babies and I had to work full time, so they matured early.

Itsjeremycorbynsfault · 03/09/2019 23:44

I used to walk to school at that age on my own, as did a lot of other children.

I was also left in charge of my baby brother at that age as well on numerous occasions, which was not OK (alcoholic mother) but my point is people on here are talking about eight year olds as if they're toddlers! As long as the eight year old is mature and knows what to do and what not to do, what's the problem. It's 30 minutes!

duffyluth · 04/09/2019 08:07

s long as the eight year old is mature and knows what to do and what not to do, what's the problem.

I think the problem is that 8 year olds simply do not have the ability to hold adult maturity. It's all good and well saying 'as long as the 8 yo is mature' but there is a limit on how mature an 8 yo can actually be.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 04/09/2019 08:10

"I think the problem is that 8 year olds simply do not have the ability to hold adult maturity."

No one's asking them to be an adult, they're asking them to sit in front of the tv not cooking or answering the door for 30 minutes.

If an 8 year old can't do that, I'd feel like I'd failed as a mother.

Happyspud · 04/09/2019 08:11

So would all these people not let their 8yr old go to the local shop 2mins walk away? Assume they spend 15mins faffing and choosing sweets, reading mags and then back, that would take 20mins. Much more dangerous than staying home watching TV. Or go to the park in front of the house to play with friends for an hour out of mums sight. That’s also more dangerous than being home.

Some of you treat your 8yr olds like total babies.

duffyluth · 04/09/2019 08:11

My DC came home alone every day from the village primary when they were 7 and 9. They had a house key and looked after themselves until I got in from work an hour and a half later.

I think some UK mothers are terribly overprotective, and I wonder how their DC cope when they are finally, belatedly, given some responsibility?

Rather interestingly mine never came home to an empty house. Even when they were teens there was (due to a change in circumstances) someone there. Two of them are fully grown adults and managed just fine to crack on in the world despite not being home alone when they were under 10.

People often confuse responsibility and independence with being left alone. It's not the same thing. The biggest factor in helping your child develop independence is security.

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 04/09/2019 08:13

Depends on the child. Not ideal but I know people who've done similar. What does she think?

Happyspud · 04/09/2019 08:15

Duffyluth, I’m not sure I agree. The opposite of being there is not neglect or loneliness. It’s just a kid getting on with deciding how to run a small period of time for themselves and being trusted to do so.

In a loving and supportive home, it does become independence. And you seem to think security = being there. It really doesn’t. I think you’re talking about hovering.

duffyluth · 04/09/2019 08:18

@LiveInAHidingPlace

I was meaning having maturity to deal with anything that arises. Not to sit in front of a television. I would have thought that was obvious.

However I do not think I failed my children in the slightest for not having them come home from school to an empty house at 8 years old.

Perhaps my view is clouded by the fact that I have been the 8 year old. It was a very lonely existence. And when things went wrong I was supposed to know what to do. We had both a flood and a fire when I was at home with no adult aged 8-10. I had no idea how to deal with either of those things because I didn't possess the maturity. Because I couldn't possess the maturity. I was terrified. The fire actually took hold because when I was 9 I ran away and called then fire brigade. Had I been older I would have been able to chuck some water and probably put it out given that it was small to begin with. We lost everything. I suffered the effects of this being my fault for my entire life and now I'm over 40 I am still more risk aware regarding fire than the average person. It took years before the gravity hit me, given that I was 9 and had always been to to leave and call the fire brigade. Yes it was good advice, but a few years later I could have saved the house from burning down. I was able enough to watch TV alone yes, but that doesn't demonstrate maturity.

duffyluth · 04/09/2019 08:20

@Happyspud

I didn't mention neglect and I absolutely didn't mean hovering.

There is a lot in between leaving an 8 yo alone and hovering over them constantly. Please don't assume that I do one because I don't do the other.

OrchidInTheSun · 04/09/2019 08:21

That's not interesting, duffyluth, it's privilege. No, children don't need to be left home alone to develop independence but neither is it inherently harmful.

Most parents can't afford to have a parent hanging around in the home to minister to teenagers.

duffyluth · 04/09/2019 08:26

@OrchidInTheSun

There is fuck all privileged about it. I said it happened due to a change in circumstances. I thought that made clear the fact it wasn't a choice.

Gottobefree · 04/09/2019 08:26

I would. But it depends on the child mainly. I was walking to primary school and back home, making a snack and chilling when I was 8.

If you limit the child's capability just because of age then it will never work out. Also maybe do some trial runs ? or ask a neighbour to check in or wait with the child ?

OrchidInTheSun · 04/09/2019 08:31

Not really, no. A change of circumstances is not necessarily negative.

I'm also sorry you had such a traumatic childhood but I think perhaps it's clouding your perspective as you suggested.

20-30 mins a couple of times a month is not in any way like being left alone every day for hours like you were.

OP having said all that, I think it very much depends on the child and your immediate area. Are there friends/neighbours nearby? Is your daughter happy to be left? How reliable is your husband's commute time? Etc

thisisthetime · 04/09/2019 08:42

I think it’s completely fine as long as she’s sensible and you’ve run through some scenarios with her. By that I mean what you want her to do if there’s someone at the door, how she would get out in the event of a fire (very unlikely!) or if she should use the kitchen.

I don’t mean if she should be abducted by a madman, burst into flames or the house should fall down.

I would consider leaving my nearly 7 year old a few times a month and have done for 5 minutes to take my elderly dog out (shock!)

Only you know your child and can weigh up the risks. Of course things can happen out of our control but that is with everything in life. Make sure she knows how to use the phone and has both yours and dh numbers plus some back up numbers in case of emergency and knows how to dial 999. Have a few practise runs of her using the phone and run through some other scenarios like a role play and she’ll be fine. I do think children are molly coddled these days and this will likely be a good experience for her especially as it’s only a few times a month and not daily.

duffyluth · 04/09/2019 08:44

Not really, no. A change of circumstances is not necessarily negative.

I did think my post was clear it wasn't a choice though. Usually that's a negative thing. A change in circumstances that isn't negative is more likely to be a choice.

My teenagers actually came home and took over some of the care of their father who had lost his job due to becoming disabled. He wasn't there for them, but they were there for him.

I'm also sorry you had such a traumatic childhood but I think perhaps it's clouding your perspective as you suggested.

Oh absolutely, I don't think kids of that age should be left home alone. Others do. Others don't. I know my POV isn't the correct one, it's just mine based on my experience. I always advise against it, because when people post asking it's because they are not 100% certain it's ok. If you are not sure, then of course you should not.

20-30 mins a couple of times a month is not in any way like being left alone every day for hours like you were.

I wasn't home alone every day for hours. It was 45 mins after school. I think maybe you have got me mixed up with someone else there.

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 04/09/2019 10:33

I wouldn't, no. Delays, accidents on the commute for your DP, there are too many variables that could go one way or another to mitigate the risk.

Better to hire a babysitter for that half an hour, or like someone else suggested, take your child on your commute and get DP to pick up.

SmartPlay · 04/09/2019 10:40

"accidents on the commute for your DP [...] Better to [...]take your child on your commute and get DP to pick up."

So it's better the child is with her father in the car when he has an accident, than being at home by herself?

;)

LiveInAHidingPlace · 04/09/2019 14:15

"I would have thought that was obvious."

If people can't understand your posts, perhaps proofread?

Sorry you were lonely. I was left pretty often and I loved it.

All children are different. Not being able to leave an 8 year old because of some unnamed emergency seems mad to me and, I'm sure, 90% of the world.

duffyluth · 04/09/2019 15:13

If people can't understand your posts, perhaps proofread?

Oh. Very nice. I thought it was obvious. I'm not sure why proofreading would make any difference as I thought my post was clear. Turns out it wasn't. A proofread could not have changed that.

Sorry you were lonely. I was left pretty often and I loved it

I loved it at the time. I didn't realise how lonely it had been until I was much older.

All children are different. Not being able to leave an 8 year old because of some unnamed emergency seems mad to me and, I'm sure, 90% of the world.

And me. But this thread wasn't about leaving an 8 year old in an emergency, it is to be a semi regular arrangement where the OP has other options. Exploring those would be logical.

Notodontidae · 04/09/2019 17:06

I would be unhappy to leave an 8Yo on a one-off basis for 10mins, such as just nipping down the road for milk etc, I dont even like putting the car in the garage with an 8Yo at home. But never on a regular basis, at least if she could stop at a friends house, trusted neighbour or a grand parent for half an hour.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 04/09/2019 22:41

"do not have the ability to hold adult maturity."

Perhaps other people can understand exactly what this phrase means.

I, for one, cannot.

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