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Parenting

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Original poster

Can social services stop me dating?

41 replies

targaryen1 · 27/08/2019 11:00

Hi everybody, bit of background.
I was in an abusive relationship with my sons father for around 2 years. My son is 8 months old. Due to the abuse social services were involved, before finally concluding I had to chose between my partner and child. To which I took off my blindfold and left my partner. This was around March. Due to the severity of the abuse which came out after the relationship finished, he was charged and we have a court case in october. I have cut all contact, reported any breaches of bail and safeguarded my son to the best of my ability. I have alarms in my house, and have worked with social services to the best of my ability. I have referred myself for CBT and I’m considering going to the doctors because I believe I’m suffering with PTSD. However I feel very well at the moment and I am putting on weight and enjoying my life.

So I recently got into contact with an old friend, who is very lovely and we’ve began dating. He comes to visit me and we’ve been out for a few dates. I’m going to make social services aware tomorrow, however I’m so scared they will disapprove of try and stop me dating. I would never invite anyone into my home I didn’t know well and didn’t think was safe to be around me and my son. Also given the circumstances I feel safe when he comes to see me. Overall I’m very happy, and I am planning to do a Clare’s Law on him as social services have asked if I see anyone new.

I have done everything I can to work with social services, I’m just wondering if they will have a problem with this. I know it’s soon but this wasn’t planned and after all I’ve known this man for a long time and would trust him with my life. Can anybody give me advice on my situation, and how bets possibly to prove I am safeguarding me and my son? This man is so lovely I wouldn’t want anything to jeopardise our potential relationship, as things are going so well and I’m happy!

Thank you

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 27/08/2019 11:05

It isn't that they would stop you dating - it's that they would question your choices. So they may be interested in him (criminal record etc) and be concerned if you had him to stay etc.

Original poster

targaryen1 · 27/08/2019 11:12

Thanks for your reply, obviously we’re only seeing each other, if I’m completely transparent and disclose his name so they can have a look into him then I’m hoping they would approve as long as I kept them in the loop, and informed them before taking the relationship to the next step?

OP posts:

c3pu · 27/08/2019 11:13

They should have no problems with dating, so long as you're not replacing one abuser with another, and keep the new relationship separate from the child for a suitable amount of time etc.

Just be sensible and honest about the situation and things should be fine.

OtraCosaMariposa · 27/08/2019 11:27

Of course they can't stop you. But they could say that you are putting your desire to be in a relationship before your child. Your needs first. It's not even been six months!

81Byerley · 27/08/2019 11:37

He will be checked and if all is OK, there won't be a problem.

C0untDucku1a · 27/08/2019 11:43

I also think it will be to look at your choices. Why is he already in your home? Why is he already meeting your child? These are not good choices.

SparklyMagpie · 27/08/2019 11:49

I agree with PP's.

It's not been long at all really has it ?

HoppingPavlova · 27/08/2019 11:49

They may well not be able to do anything to stop you. They may however have doubts regarding your ability to make choices that are in the best interest of your child. Less than 5 months out of an abusive relationship and potentially exposing an 8mo (who cannot verbalise any issues to them) to another relationship. Not something they would consider to be ideal but they probably can’t actually stop you.

Missingstreetlife · 27/08/2019 11:50

Too soon. You need to be alone with child to recover. Do freedom programme, have counselling
If he was nice he would see you are vulnerable & not take advantage.
You are on rebound. Your head is all over the place.
They can't stop you but it doesn't look the best. Don't give ex ammunition

AllInTheBestPossibleTaste · 27/08/2019 11:51

Maybe you could ask social services to put you on a course like the Freedom Program, this will help you spot red flags, and make good choices going forward. Good luck op. (And no, they can't stop you but would be encouraged you were helping yourself)

EntirelyAnonymised · 27/08/2019 11:53

Have you done anything like the freedom programme? I know you say you’ve referred yourself for CBT but has it started yet? It is perfectly possible that it is a bit soon to be getting into another relationship, no matter how decent the new person is (it isn’t).

AllInTheBestPossibleTaste · 27/08/2019 11:53

I believe you can self refer, it's for people who have been in abusive relationship

freedomprogramme.co.uk

bluebluezoo · 27/08/2019 11:54

II also think it will be to look at your choices. Why is he already in your home? Why is he already meeting your child? These are not good choices*

This.

I think if you can show you are taking it slowly, and not jumping straight back into a relationship before you know the man, you will be fine.

Do you have family help for babysitting? I’d keep it dates only for a good while yet before letting your son near him. I would also wait until ss and claires law checks have all been done before introducing them.

Have you told this bloke ss will be investigating him due to your history? What do ss advise?

MustardScreams · 27/08/2019 11:59

It’s been 5 months since you left an abusive partner, and you have a new relationship that has been to your house and met your child?

Why are you putting your need to be in a relationship before making sure your life is back on track? If this guy is as good as you say, he’ll happily wait whilst you concentrate on your ds rather than jumping straight back into bed with someone.

Having a relationship doesn’t make you whole. You really need to concentrate on being a parent for a while. Have some counselling, do the Freedom Program. Look into getting back into work when your ds is a little bit older. Do things for you both, don’t bring someone else into that so soon after trauma.

Ilikethisone · 27/08/2019 12:01

OP I left a relationship similar and do have PTSD.

You have only been out of this relationship a short time, in reality. SS may be concerned you are jumping into something so soon.

Quartz2208 · 27/08/2019 12:07

Yes the concern may well be having gotten out of this relationship you contacted another man and have jumped straight into another relationship with him and are already introducing him to your son. It is far far to quick.

Loopytiles · 27/08/2019 12:08

In the circumstances would you take ANY further risks with your choices?

Original poster

targaryen1 · 27/08/2019 12:11

Thank you for all your replies. But I am actually a little upset I’ve been seen as somebody who needs to be in a relationship. I am not in a relationship as of yet, and I have only recently started seeing this person. I am starting the freedom programme in September which I am very excited about. I am not putting my needs before my son, as my actions during the last 5 months have shown. I have also stated I have known this person for years. And considering I do like him, I am following through with Clare’s law.

I am a domestic violence survivor, not somebody who is incapable of putting my child first. Which is deeply upsetting to hear. However I respect your opinions. I would NEVER put my needs before my child’s, and I do not NEED to be in a relationship. I was not looking for one.

I am going to be honest and transparent with my social worker tomorrow, as I have been. I am a brilliant mother and my son always comes first. I am very proud of myself as are social services. I will update this post tomorrow.

OP posts:

timshelthechoice · 27/08/2019 12:14

What everyone else said. It's too soon to be dating after leaving an abusive relationship. This is not a good choice. You need to stop dating for the time being, explain you need to work on getting your life back on track and do the Freedom Programme. You are very vulnerable right now, people who leave abusive relationships are. They cannot stop you dating, but they can express interest in why you feel it's so important to be in a relationship so soon and have this man already in contact with your child.

OpenYourEyes · 27/08/2019 12:18

I agree that it is a bit quick and I would be worried he is potentially abusive. He seems to have targeted a very vunerable woman xxx

timshelthechoice · 27/08/2019 12:18

So you ask a question and then when people point out to you the pitfalls that SS will see you say, well, I'm going to carry on seeing him anyhow. Why ask then?

Shouldcolder · 27/08/2019 12:22

What’s the difference between dating, seeing someone, and a relationship?

Original poster

targaryen1 · 27/08/2019 12:22

I asked the best way to go about it. If social services advised i needed to stop seeing him, I would. I just don’t think it’s great to assume I put my needs before my sons. This man is a family friend, please do not insult my parenting when I’ve asked for advice. That’s not advice, that’s being unkind to someone who has done their best to protect themselves and their son, after a traumatic experience. I am very educated on abuse through my own research and my desire to help others in the future. Like I said I appreciate your opinions, thank you to those who did so in a kind way.

OP posts:

Ilikethisone · 27/08/2019 12:23

OP exactly how long have you been in touch with him?

SS asking if you are seeing anyone for a reason.

And like it or not, those of us who leave an abusive relationship are extremely vulnerable to getting into another relationship, quickly, with another abusive man.

If he really Carr and wants to be with you, cany he wait until you actually do the freedom programme. You havent been on it yet, but think you already have got it all down.

Tbh, I understand it. For a year, I thought I was fine. It hit me much later when routine was in place. It came out if nowhere.

And don't have him at your house when your son is there.

FelixFelicis6 · 27/08/2019 12:26

It’s too soon and I think it’s a bad idea, however nice he is.

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