Can social services stop me dating?

[targaryen1]

Hi everybody, bit of background.
I was in an abusive relationship with my sons father for around 2 years. My son is 8 months old. Due to the abuse social services were involved, before finally concluding I had to chose between my partner and child. To which I took off my blindfold and left my partner. This was around March. Due to the severity of the abuse which came out after the relationship finished, he was charged and we have a court case in october. I have cut all contact, reported any breaches of bail and safeguarded my son to the best of my ability. I have alarms in my house, and have worked with social services to the best of my ability. I have referred myself for CBT and I’m considering going to the doctors because I believe I’m suffering with PTSD. However I feel very well at the moment and I am putting on weight and enjoying my life.

So I recently got into contact with an old friend, who is very lovely and we’ve began dating. He comes to visit me and we’ve been out for a few dates. I’m going to make social services aware tomorrow, however I’m so scared they will disapprove of try and stop me dating. I would never invite anyone into my home I didn’t know well and didn’t think was safe to be around me and my son. Also given the circumstances I feel safe when he comes to see me. Overall I’m very happy, and I am planning to do a Clare’s Law on him as social services have asked if I see anyone new.

I have done everything I can to work with social services, I’m just wondering if they will have a problem with this. I know it’s soon but this wasn’t planned and after all I’ve known this man for a long time and would trust him with my life. Can anybody give me advice on my situation, and how bets possibly to prove I am safeguarding me and my son? This man is so lovely I wouldn’t want anything to jeopardise our potential relationship, as things are going so well and I’m happy!

Thank you

I think you probably need to remove the blinkers a little. You have said that you are 'brilliant mother' and 'always put your son first' but you didnt leave your past abusive relationship until SS told you it was your partner or your child. Had they not done this it sounds like you would have stayed. Equally saying that you trust this new man 'with your life' is bold. You may have known him a long time but intimate relationships are different. A friend could have a freezer full of heads and you wouldn't necessarily know. You would be better off continuing to cultivate a strong friendship and maybe some light dating but nothing serious until you've done the freedom programme and some time has passed. I appreciate the steps you have detailed and it's great that you done that but 5 months is no time at all.

I completely understand the Possible concerns, hence why I asked he best way to go about it. I agree I am still vulnerable which is why I’m making a conscious effort to help myself via CBT and the Freedom Programme. I just think some people’s thoughts could have been worded a little better. I will update all tomorrow :)

OP why are you going on the freedom programme?

It's one if those things, that if you need it, you shouldnt be dating. You are clearly becoming attached to him.

You know you need the freedom programme. You need it for a reason.

Clare’s Law is better than nothing but is in no way failsafe. It is based on people being caught whereas the vast majority of abusers are never caught. It also doesn’t cover emotional abuse, financial abuse, general fuckwittery etc.

OP I have been here. And its tough, but SS will see this as a concern. Even if you are doing everything right, they will see this as a sign that you maybe on the right path for you and your child. I'm not saying that is the case but I am saying that is how they will see it and depending on where you are in the child protection process that could be damaging.

I decided to be honest with SS and let them know I was seeing someone 6 months after leaving an abusive relationship. I wanted to tell them and be upfront about it as I live in a small town and I didn't want misinformation being picked up on. They wanted to run a full police check even though he never came to my house or into contact with my child and I had no intention of that being the case but they still went ahead with it. Later in court papers it was disclosed as a concern that I had embarked on a relationship so soon and it showed that I didn't understand the implications of an abusive relationship and the impact that and future relationships had on my child. Which couldn't have been further from the truth but that's the view they took of it.

It seems so unfair, because you the survivor of domestic abuse are treated like a criminal or someone who has got something wrong with them. You are made to feel by these agencies that you are incapable of making a right decision for you and your child. I don't know why the system seeks to persecute the victims rather than trying to positively reinforce mothers going through one of the worst times in their life.

My advice to you OP is to do whatever they say, jump through every hoop. And one day in a few years time when you are safe, happy, well and settled all this process will seem like a distant bad memory.

Well done on being a strong lady for your child and getting out of there, I don't think people appreciate how hard that is until they have been through that. Big hugs

What’s the difference between dating, seeing someone, and a relationship?

I suppose this is subjective but for me, in this case at least, dating would be going out. Drinks, dinner, cinema etc. possible o/n stays away from the home or if the child is else where.

A relationship is involving the person in your life completely. So more time at each others houses, activities with the child, more family style stuff.

o/p you say you are doing everything right, and working with social services, but you asked the question here and when you didn't hear what you wanted pretty much told everyone they're wrong, you don't agree and you will speak to ss in the hope they will agree with you. That to me says you aren't willing to take comments on board and work with them.

What if ss agree with the posters here? What if they tell you to hold off for 6 months? will you continue seeing him because he's a family friend and everyone is assuming you're putting your needs first?

Tbh, you saying "I would trust him with my life" is a big old red flag to me. Not on him but on you. It's dramatic, it's reaching, and it's unrealistic and overinvested in someone you really don't know that well yet, however many years he's been a "family friend". You are already creating a saviour narrative around him and that is very dangerous indeed. It says that your emotional state and judgement are not in the shape they need to be to accurately evaluate a new man right now.

The last man you liked enough to have a child with didn't turn out so well and you didn't leave him until SS forced your hand. I think you do need to accept that your judgement right now might not be very good, and to give yourself time. I don't think a new relationship now speaks well of your judgement and I would expect SS to share that opinion. They can't stop you doing anything - all they can do is report you to the police if they have reason to believe you are breaking actual laws - but I would expect them to increase their monitoring of your child on this basis and to have reduced trust in your judgement.

As it's only been 5 months since you left your abusive relationship and you still have the court case to come I think SS will have concerns and at the very least they will be questioning your ability to make suitable choices.

I think you should be open with SS but ask them for help/advice in whether they think it is too soon for a relationship of any form. Personally I think you need time with just your DC to get any counselling/help you need and to learn how to be independent and strong again. If this new man is a decent man he will be happy to wait.

If he's an old friend that you trust with your life, why does he need background checks? Anyone you need to background check should not be near you or your child, five months out of an abusive relationship.

Do the freedom programme and even get him checked under Claire's law. It shows you are arming yourself with the knowledge to protect you and your child , I read the freedom projects book years after I left and I still learnt more about my ex's abusive tactics. Really good program. Good luck !

Social Services will look poorly upon you having to ask whether or not you should be in a relationship. You should know that it isn’t a good idea. SS aren’t your friends or your parents, they are there to protect the safety and well-being of your child. Because you have shown an inability to do so up to this point.

You need to read all of the responses here very carefully and really think about what you are doing right now. Is it in the best interest of your child to have a mother concentrating on a new relationship when you have not given yourself time to heal? I think you know it isn’t.

Does this man have contact with your DC?

I think that the tone of these comments is perhaps putting you off. You have, as SS said, done really well to leave your partner - it is not easy to get the courage to do this when you have been in a relationship like this. You have been brave and have done a really good thing for your son that lots of abused mums do not manage.

I know it sounds like a criticism of you and your judgement to say that you should wait to do the freedom programme before taking any further steps with this man and that you should back off in the meantime. It isn't meant to be. It's just that when you have been in a relationship where the bad bits are really truly awful and you have stayed until you were told you would lose your son, presumably not just out of fear but also because you if still love this person, you develop the habit of overlooking some of the worst bits to survive. And to undervalue what you need yourself - it is a real skill to ensure that you keep a good sense of yourself and are able to ask for what you want in a relationship - women often go along with their partner's wishes out of eagerness to please, regardless of abuse. People who abuse you often start by taking advantage of a good kind nature.

This friend probably isn't an abuser, but it is still worthwhile making sure that you have a chance to breathe and reflect. And, try to think about it that way, if this guy really is as special as you think, he will think nothing of you saying "I really like you, but I need to do the freedom programme to ensure I protect my son and develop healthy relationships. Could we pick this up again when I have completed the programme and feel ready?" and "I am not going to introduce you as my bf to my son for a long time - he has been through a lot and he needs to be my focus right now." If this man is as good as you say, he will understand that you need to make your son and your recovery a priority, not something to be done equally alongside accommodating him. And if he doesn't, then you have your answer that he won't put you and your son first.

I agree with everyone else. It’s too soon, you aren’t making good or appropriate choices.

SS is not going to treat you with kid gloves and word things to suit you. You didn't leave your abusive partner until they had to threaten to remove you child. Now 5 minutes later you're with this guy you'd 'trust with your life'. Anyone who truly valued you and your situation would have left you alone no matter how much you wanted to 'date' him. 'I like you, but right now you're vulnerable and need space and time out to work on yourself and get your life on track, so I think we should continue staying friends.' That would be the mature thing to do. That he didn't and you're wanting to do a Claire's Law background check on hims but would 'trust him with your life' are massive red flags.

Only see him outside your home. Your son shouldn't be getting introduced to him yet. SS may well see that as a red flag.