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Parenting

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Original poster

Children alone on 2.5hr taxi trip

79 replies

user1467634265 · 26/08/2019 11:37

I would value your thoughts on the following situation ...

3 lively boys (5,9,11). Mother and father live 100 miles apart after M moved away with the children. Children have alternate weekends with F. M has to get children to F after school on a Friday and F has to return them on a Sunday night.

M is proposing to use a DBS cleared taxi driver to do the 2.5 - 3.5 hour journey and will NOT be accompanying the children on the trip. The driver comes recommended as someone who does school runs for a local school. Driver has done one trip with M accompanying the children.

F has concerns about the arrangement.

Thoughts gratefully received 🙂.

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FogCutter · 26/08/2019 13:53

I would it agree to it.

With such a long journey the kids might need to stop for a wee, bicker (mine do), want a drink etc so they need need 'patenting' which I would not expect the taxi driver to do - and actually he cannot do it if he's driving.

FogCutter · 26/08/2019 13:53

would not!

Original poster

user1467634265 · 26/08/2019 13:54

M moved to be closer to work and is now 10 minutes from work.

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Knitwit99 · 26/08/2019 14:02

It would be a no from me, and I'm pretty laid back about lots of things.
But then maybe I'm basing that on my 3 who would be poking each other and arguing and at least one feels sick on a journey of more than about 1.5 hrs, they can't read or look at a screen.

In theory it should be fine for them to sit quietly in the taxi, I wouldn't worry about them escaping or the driver abusing or kidnapping them, I would just worry about stupid behaviour and distractions. And sickness.

I think the mum needs to take them or go with them in the taxi or train. Yes its shit but she chose to move away and the kids will be doing the same amount of travelling. Why should they have to do it and not her? They didn't choose this.

MarthaDunstable · 26/08/2019 14:02

To be fair, the RP having a ten minute commute is huge benefit to the children, not just to her - but at the cost to relationship with father. I think that the childminder and train suggestion sounds better assuming that father is going to be reasonable about collection from train station.

scotwood · 26/08/2019 14:11

Do not put the taxi driver in this position. How ridiculous.

scotwood · 26/08/2019 14:12

Taxi driver is 75.

Christ. It really is a ridiculous suggestion.

Find another way!

SmartPlay · 26/08/2019 14:17

"expecting a 5 year old to sit nicely for 3ish hours is a huge ask 5 year olds have no impulse control and will get bored if left unsupervised"

Such nonsense! Of course 5 year olds are capable to control their impulses! It sounds like you are talking about a 2 year old.

clary · 26/08/2019 14:21

As others suggest, a possible solution might be for the parents to drive and meet halfway? Yes they'd both be driving for 2-3 hours but that's not the end of the world, and no more than they are asking their five yr old to do.

Original poster

user1467634265 · 26/08/2019 14:26

@smartplay I have raised 3 children, helped in schools, done the school trips as supervising adult, playgroups, etc. My many years of experience tell me that 5 year olds .... 3 hour journey.... sitting still .. just don't mix - regardless of parenting. Sorry. Even if you think they do, in this cases circumstances, they don't. Both M and F are fabulous parents and love and care for the boys very much. They just have differing views on what is appropriate in a number of situations. This one leaves me extremely concerned, hence the post.

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WrongKindOfFace · 26/08/2019 14:27

Driver is 75? I’d say no way on that basis alone. And I’d say no to a younger driver too unless they were well known to the family and could be trusted to do childcare as well as driving.

bluebluezoo · 26/08/2019 14:30

M moved to be closer to work and is now 10 minutes from work

So basically the mother didn’t want to do the commute so has lumbered her kids with it instead?

Plus changed all their schools, hobbies and friendship groups?

Why couldn’t the kids have stayed with dad m-f while she commuted?

There are many options that wouldn’t have involved uprooting the kids for one parents commute. Look for another job, stay in an airbnb in the week or at weekends.

I am assuming the mothers job is very well paid or at a critical point in her career to uproot her kids.

Is there a reason dad can’t have them m-f for school?

Jamhandprints · 26/08/2019 14:30

No, I think this sounds like it is not in the children's best interest. Nanny/babysitter on a train would be much better. Is there a rail connection? But I do feel sorry for the kids. What a waste of their weekends with all the travel time. Can't F travel to where they live and see them there? That would be much better for the kids.

SmartPlay · 26/08/2019 14:41

"My many years of experience tell me that 5 year olds .... 3 hour journey.... sitting still .. just don't mix - regardless of parenting."

I've specified that it depends on the situation. With their parents children usually act up more than with other people, which is completely normal. I'd also find it weird if a child sits nicely for 3 hours, with its hand folded on its laps, during a school trip.

But a car right with an almost stranger is a different matter and if they are being raised well, as you say, they will know to behave themselves.

Original poster

user1467634265 · 26/08/2019 14:58

@bluebluezoo ... yes. F had them overnight enough for M to work away for office days, which was the case before the split and after. M then decided to move boys meaning F cannot have the midweek overnights.

F cannot do weekends away due to work and local responsibilities.

F will drive the 6 hour round trip midweek to see boys once a week after school and will do one of the trips on the alternate weekend. Very committed F doing what he can to maximise contact despite the move as boys are so young.

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bluebluezoo · 26/08/2019 15:04

So if I were the F I’d be asking for M-f.

Has she changed all the schools etc? If so it might be tougher as yet further disruption. Seems mad that isn’t what they did in the first place though.

That would seem to be the logical solution to me though. Swap so dad has m-f, mum comes down weekends.

Although this refusal to commute- do you suspect she may have a new relationship?

bluebluezoo · 26/08/2019 15:05

To add if i were dad and schools aren’t sorted yet, i’d be seeking legal advice asap to get an order before the new school term starts.

TitianaTitsling · 26/08/2019 15:16

Agree dad should have m-f,. Least disruption to the DC on a day to day basis and with regards to contact

Icecreamsoda99 · 26/08/2019 15:17

How long is the direct train? Used to have this length of journey to grandparents a couple of times a year and I remember it being super hard as a little child.

Bumply · 26/08/2019 16:11

When ex left me and two boys I moved 10 min from work because

had to reduce commuting costs
only feasible option of after school care that worked with my hours (had nursery aged child as well in my scenario)
ability to leave work and pick up child from school if became ill or injured
ability to take children to doctor/dentist appointments with minimum time off work/school

This mother may also have moved to be closer to family/friends support network.

My ex moved so he was equidistant between us (50 miles) and his work.

If you're a RP and work full time, adding on the hours to drive children to their other parent is an additional strain that feels more than you can manage. We mostly shared the drop off/collection and was only 1 hour each way rather than 2-4 hours, but I feel tired just remembering it.

Train sounds a better option in terms of being able to move around, toilet breaks etc.

bluebluezoo · 26/08/2019 16:16

*- had to reduce commuting costs

only feasible option of after school care that worked with my hours (had nursery aged child as well in my scenario)
ability to leave work and pick up child from school if became ill or injured
ability to take children to doctor/dentist appointments with minimum time off work/school*

In this case though the dad can do all this, and indeed used to before the mum moved.

To me, the sensible option would be for the dad to have them m-f, so the kids can stay in their schools, and mum do f-s.

TryTry123 · 26/08/2019 16:39

No, the eldest would become a 'parentified child'. This happened to my sis when she was 11 & me 7 and bro 9 on 4 hour bus journeys. She still resents the role. Plus who is the driver?

Techway · 26/08/2019 17:34

There are often very good reasons why the RP needs to move following divorce and if this was for work then it is probadly essential due to finances.

The dad is not the RP and that decision was likely to he agreed at a much earlier stage or if acromimous through court. I don't think that is debatable as else the dad would have fought this whilst going to court to fight the case for shared driving.

If the dad is commited why can't he move to be closer? That makes much more sense as it is likely that the boys will have sporting interests so won't always be free to commute each weekend to Dad.

What are the Dads commitments that keep him hours away from his sons? After divorce upheaval is often necessary so if he wants to be involved longterm he needs to move closer.

TitianaTitsling · 26/08/2019 17:51

So by that techway the df should have to follow the DM when she moves? What every time? What if he can't get a job in that area, or should he expect massive daily commute?

Hecateh · 26/08/2019 18:12

Not ideal but I wouldn't have an issue with it.

At least as safe with the taxi driver, as a professional driver. Trip has been done once with mum so not a total stranger. Kids are likely to behave better than for the mum and so long as they toilet before off there should be no need to stop.

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