I've made a mistake having a baby

[feelingsicknow]

My LO is approaching his 1st birthday. He's great. But I feel like I might have made a mistake in having a baby. I'm just not cut out for it. He is independent and doesn't really cuddle. He doesn't stop moving - doesn't like sitting playing with his toys - just crawls and climbs everywhere, and on everything. He puts everything in his mouth. EVERYTHING. Even the nursery commented on how 'sensory' he was (he's just started two days a week - I'm back to work in a couple of weeks). He is constantly filthy from the exploring and picking up and trying to eat everything. I feel like I'm limiting his outdoors time because watching him outdoors is so exhausting.

We're in week 3 of house renovations which were supposed to be finished by now. We have no hot water or washing facilities so I've been going up and down between home and my mum's an hour away, with the baby and the dog, in order to stay there when possible but return for DS's recent settling in sessions at nursery. Been doing this for 3 weeks now. Looks like we'll still be doing it the bank holiday weekend, and then I'm back to work shortly after.

I just feel stressed and anxious all the time and don't think I can cope with the baby very well. Everyone just says 'this is what babies do' and I think they are trying to be reassuring. It's not. It convinces me that I simply am not cut out for it. What a horrible person I am. He deserves a much better, more capable mother than I can be. I don't know what to do.

Should add, I already diagnosed with PND and am on anti-depressants. But that's really not an excuse for being crap at this. I should have known that I wouldn't make a good mum. I don't know what to do.

I know you've heard it before but I want to reiterate that he sounds very normal. Remember he's exploring the world around him right now in the most natural way he knows and this includes his sense of taste unfortunately!

Your mindset is sad though, and I do feel you need to talk to someone about that and how you're feeling. Have you anyone close you can tell? Perhaps they can offer some more support for you, some advice even. Because whilst yes parenting is hard and exhausting and repetitive, you shouldn't feel like this all the time or regret having him.

Do you do any baby groups where you can chat with other mums and see other children at this age?

Please speak to someone in real life,reach out. We've all been there.

Don't give up. He loves and adores you. He's safe, he's healthy and he's loved. Those three boxes are all that need to be ticked to say you're doing a fantastic job. You're definitely cut out for this. Keep going x

You don't mention your partner/the father at all - are they in the picture and an active parent?

Babies/toddlers ARE tough. You might find that going back to work will give you back a bit of your "self" and some balance.

It could also be that you need to adjust your anti depressants? Maybe a chat with your doctor would be helpful?

Not a single part of your post makes me thing you are a horrible person and a bad mother.

You are a good mum. You've raised an independent, inquisitive, outgoing child! He sounds happy and content.
Plus you are constantly watching for things he might put in his mouth - very vigilant!
You are putting your child first by going between the houses to ensure he gets to the nursery sessions.
What more could a child want from a mother?

House renovations and going between 2 houses sounds really stressful plus being diagnosed with PND on top of that. No wonder you are exhausted!

Although it may feel like it at the moment, the renovations won't go on together and then you can settle in your own house. Plus going back to work and into a familiar routine will probably help too.

together=forever

You don't sound like a crap mum to me! You sound like a mum with a lot on!
One is a tricky age, they are into everything.
It's quite normal in my view to feel at least some of what you're feeling.
It honestly does get better.
Are your meds helping? Do you have friends who you can talk honestly with?
I found it got easier at 15 - 18 months And then by the time mine were 3 I really enjoyed it.
It sounds like you love your son and without wishing to sound trite, that's the most important factor.

Finish the renovations
Go back to work
Both will help

Get a break
_ ask baby s dad to take him away few days to visit relatives while you take time out?

Speak to your mh support team

This phase won't last forever, he'll be finding his voice soon and won't have time to put things in his mouth because he'll be busy babbling all the time.
He'll always be into everything and you can keep him busy with a box of things you do want him to play with that will interest him. My DD loves the metal potato masher at the minute. The house stuff will pass and maybe when you're back at work it'll be easier, having time where you'll be able to be an adult again.
The main thing to remember is that everything is a phase and will end.

I feel like this at least once a day. I have a 5 yr old and nearly 2 yr old. I'm a single parent by choice and always doubt myself.
You have a lot going on right now and I think everything your feeling is normal. I do cut myself off sometimes just to have some head space and everyone tells me not to do it. But I don't want every one telling me it's going to get better, I know that. My ex wants full custody and I sometimes consider it. But when I watch my girls sleep at night (that's when I like them the most lol) all that love and fuzzy mummy feeling comes back to me.
Use the time when he's at nursery to do things for yourself. Only you can make the decision xx

He puts everything in his mouth. EVERYTHING.

I know you don’t really want to hear it’s normal - but my DS does this still and he’s 15 months. I sometimes just give him a dummy when we’re outside to minimise the putting of pebbles/dirt/daisies in mouth - it is frustrating when you just want to have a nice relaxing play in the garden but your just constantly having to hover and be vigilant! I also think it’s not that unusual to feel overwhelmed by it all sometimes. Some people just aren’t big fans of the baby/toddler years but then love parenting once the children are a bit older and more independent and can take part in a decent conversation - some parents are the other way around, they love the baby years and miss them and don’t cope so well when their children grow up. You sound like a great mum who is trying her best to me by the way.

I already diagnosed with PND and am on anti-depressants.

This^ is massively relevant to how you’re feeling. I know you can’t see it and think it’s just you but it isn’t. When you are well, which you will be, before you know it, you will see that these feelings were part of your illness. They are symptoms.

Your little one sounds perfect and you are doing a fantastic job!

Christ OP babies/toddlers are HARD!

And you’ll still be mourning the life you had before!

I promise you, that day by day it will get better, and in a year from now you’ll fully understand that it’s definitely not you, it’s the tiny human who made you feel like you couldn’t do it!

By the time you have your second, you’ll remember this stage and go easy on yourself.

Just keeping him entertained, fed and loved is enough.

Just to add, when people say this is what babies do... What I have learnt is it is quite literal...you will be so surprised though in a few more months...he will be affection, want you all the time and it will be very different. You will be able to engage with him and play with him and probably will feel very differently to how you do now.

Well, you cannot give your all to your baby when you are 1/unwell, 2/ in the middle of house renovations and 3/ anxious/stressing about your return to work! You've got a lot on. There are times when we just have to do what we can with what we've got under the circumstances. Ironically though, the fact that you are stressing and beating yourself up over whether or not you are doing a good job is actually a very normal sign that you actually care a lot, that you are a good mother and that, you are indeed cut out for it! You don't have to enjoy all of parenting. It simply isn't that enjoyable much of the time. It's frustrating, exhausting, hard work and relentless! You're going through a tough patch. It will get easier again in a few weeks. Just don't get caught in negative discussions with yourself. If you find that happening, then try to distract yourself by doing something else. Also,try to get out of the house as much as possible. I usually find days out more enjoyable than being stuck in all day.

I know this might not mean much because I'm not a mum yet so haven't had to do what you're doing but when my depression flares up I can barely look after myself, so I think you sound AMAZING for just managing to get out of bed every morning and take care of another little human's whole life!

It sounds like you're being so hard on yourself and that probably sounds like lip service at the moment but I really think it's true

You are not alone! I absolutely hate spending time with other mums. To watch their children sitting nicely, quietly, smiling sweetly. While my children are eating mud, head butting each other and running away from me at 100 miles an hour in opposite directions.
I’m sure they don’t mean to be but they look so smug. And they either look down their nose at me or give me the ‘pity’ look.
I think it’s normal for you to feel this way. I feel so isolated right now. I’m not really interested in anything for me. Just trying to get through each day.
All I hope is that it will get better and easier.
Oh and I have no PND or house renovations to contend with. Go you!

To all people who have posted, thank you for your kind comments. They really mean a lot.

I just don't know why I am finding this so hard. It's not what I imagined it to be - and I wasn't particularly maternal so it's not like I dreamt of being a mummy and had idealised images in my head. I can barely look at other mums. For months now at my local mum and baby group the ones I am closest to are still able to sit and chat, whilst baby sits close by and plays nicely. I say a few quick hellos and then spend the rest of the time wandering around the hall after mine, stopping him from putting the door wedges in his mouth and accidentally triggering the fire extinguishers with his wandering hands. We did a baby yoga course recently which said it was suitable for his age, but again, he never sat with me to do the moves like the other babies - he was the only one off, climbing around the other side of the room. I felt like such an 'odd one out' and I felt embarrassed. I know I shouldn't care but I did/do.

Their babies all look so clean and tidy, and eat nicely off a spoon. We are BLW mostly because he insists on feeding himself and just mashes anything on a spoon with his hands.

My DH works and doesn't get much leave, and is in a fairly new role so trying to 'prove himself' and not take too much time off.

I feel so angry with my DH so much of the time because - and I know this might sound unfair - but it feels like his life hasn't really changed all that much, IYSWIM. He gets up, has a shower outside (camping shower because of the reno), and goes to work. All I want is to sleep in my own bed, get up and go for a shower, sit down and put some make up on and do my hair and pick an outfit. I used to take such care of my appearance pre-baby. Now I have no shower, can't access most of my clothes, and never have time for hair and make up.

I know it sounds so shallow and pathetic but it's just little things that I miss.

@feelingsicknow I completely understand your feelings towards your OH, mine works away all week and his life has only really changed for weekends; even then I end up doing most of the baby stuff so except for a few additional costs his life is as it was. Mine has completely changed, and I'm worrying about money whilst he is still buying whatever he likes, it's exhausting. It sounds like your little one is actually ahead of his peers, already mobile and exploring the world around him- although I appreciate it doesn't help when you're finding it hard. If baby groups make you feel bad, unless you get something out of them (ie enjoy socialising with the other parents) then don't go, your child won't be disadvantaged for it. Also hopefully going back to work and getting some balance back might help everything seem more manageable, also please talk to someone if youre grappling with PND, you deserve the support that you need. It sounds like you are doing a great job, but it's largely how you feel isn't it.

FYI I am seeing my GP regularly because he wants to monitor me closely but my appt on Friday was cancelled because he was sick (ironic!!) and when receptionist rang me to reschedule it my phone battery died and I never called back. It's silly things like forgetting to charge my phone etc that also make me feel chaotic and disorganised. Pre-baby me would have been on top of those things. Sounds so minor but it's the little things.....

Anyway, baby in bed. I've looked out an outfit I can wear to the office tomorrow (KIT day) which hides my unshaven legs, although I don't know if I can fit into it. But I can't access anything else! Can't find a handbag or laptop bag big enough for my laptop so I'll have to take it in a bag for life.... heaven knows what my colleagues will think of me.

Big hugs OP. I know how you feel. I'm the same. I thought it would be hard but no one tells you just how bloody hard it is being a mum! I love my LO to bits but sometimes I just feel I like I'm desperate to have a break from her and then I feel horrible for even thinking it. I couldn't wait for my maternity leave to be over so I could go back to work with DD in nursery. I felt like the worst mum EVER! She whines and whinges what feels like all of the time and it really grinds me down.

Some days I feel a lot of resentment towards my DH. It's ok for him; he gets up when he wants, eats his breakfast in peace, manages a full hot drink uninterrupted, showers in peace, can leave the house without having to think of anyone else, can go out socialising after work without worrying about DD, can book breaks away with friends without worrying about who's looking after DD and the list goes on.

Everyone else seems to be coping with their babies/toddlers and manage to do something with their hair and put on a bit of make up. I've got dressed up twice in 14 months! Even then I had to do it whilst looking after the baby. It was just too stressful for me to do it again. I don't know where my make up bag is hiding in my house anymore.

I take one day at a time and try to forget how I felt the day before if it was a bad day. Some days are easier than others but I keep telling myself that I'm only doing this once. I'll never have any more children. I'm going to be sterilised to make sure I don't get pregnant again. I don't know if I could cope going through this again.

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job OP. Hang on in there. Be kind to yourself. They're not this age for long it will get better and easier

It's tough being a mum let alone all the other things you have going on. I will be totally honest here but I'm a rubbish mum when I'm at home all the time. Working for me was brilliant and really split my time and found I was missing my children on some of the days. I always say to my husband being at work is so much easier than being at home and he gets it as he has 1 day a week where he is home all day. Once I stopped trying to be perfect and like 'all the other mums' I really settled into it. I will say as well I found 9 months to around 18 months absolute hell. I'm not sure what I'm try ing say apart from I know how you feel and trust me it gets about 100% better x x

You aren't shallow. You just need time to be an adult human again and it sounds like you haven't had that. I suspect work might help but please talk to you DH and ask him to make time for you to have time to yourself. Just a shower and a coffee alone sometimes. The small things help you survive

@feelingsicknow I'm a bit drunk so this may not be coherent, but I read your post and thought "oh darling, you really haven't'... I am the proud mother of two boys aged 18 and 20, and I remember so very clearly feeling exactly as you do when they were the same age. They were dirty, feral creatures eating every bit of dirt they could find, and I despaired! My DHs cousin used to come round with her son and 3 changes of clothes, and she would say to me 'I've bought these clothes because he always gets so DIRTY at your house'.... I felt like the world's worst mother. I was never maternal and questioned my decision to have children every day, but followed my instinct when it came to raising them. They have grown up to be beautiful, charming, polite and most important of all, kind men, and I don't regret a second. And I know you feel anxious now, and like you made a mistake, but you really didn't OP, you really didn't... your son is blessed to have you. Try to relax.... children basically raise themselves apologies if this is a mess, I'll read it back in the morning no doubt and cringe!