It's not what I imagined it to be -
No it certainly isn't is it!! If it's any consolation, you're feeling the same as pretty much any mother across the world. God knows what I thought it would be like! But it certainly didn't involve watching The Wiggles (4 Grown men jumping around in primary coloured lycra singing about fruit salad), whilst retrieving the clean laundry from out of the toilet bowl and threatening my kids that "if they didn't eat up all their chips there won't be any cake"!
My son used to be an absolute little fecker (in the nicest possible way). He used to become obsessed with things (such as door handles, latches etc) and used to have several screaming fits a day. I was so embarrassed taking him to playgroups. I felt so isolated. Had also moved to a new area and was doing up my house. He was such hard work!! It turned out that he was very sensitive and also incredibly bright (which fed into his determination and tantrums). He was impossible to distract. He is now the loveliest boy. Funny, witty, kind etc. But, by god, he was hard work. Second child was an entirely different kettle of fish. Very laid back, happy and chilled, but very easily distracted. They are who they are. And whilst they are all hard work, some are just harder than others (at least at different stages). Personally 9mths -18mths I found to be a tough experience. You do have to watch them like hawks. They shove everything in their mouths and are constantly falling over and trying to climb onto things. It's just a really hard phase. But it does get easier. It really does. And by the time that they start preschool at 3, suddenly you will find yourself far less isolated and part of a community. There will be loads of mothers, many who feel just like you, living on your road or just found the corner. And, just like when you were at school, for the first time in ages, you will form really close friendships with some of the other mums and not feel like you do when you go to playgroups (which are usually quite superficial 'friendships' as you ever have time to actually sit, bond and chat).
It will get better. I promise you that it will. The house renovation bit is a huge part of it right now. You also have to accept that, your view of yourself is somewhat distorted right now,due to illness. To every single person on this forum thread, you have appeared as a good, but fairly normal mum. Nothing you have said is alarming at all. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. The opposite of being a good mum is not feeling like a failure or not enjoying it (whilst still caring for your baby and keeping him safe etc). The opposite is total neglect. Just not giving a toss whether they are safe or fed. Not caring whether they are ok left in a cot for hours whilst you go out clubbing etc).
And if you care enough about whether your baby is fed, or safe, or keeps putting things in his mouth, then you clearly love him very much (even if you feel numb to some of those feelings due to depression), because depression can make you feel pretty numb or detached from most feelings. It takes the sheen off everything. It's important to realise this rather than get hung up over whether you are a bad mother or whether you love/have feelings towards your baby. It can be all too easy to focus on that one relationship, rather than noticing that, actually, you feel that way towards everyone and everything around you right now! I hope that that makes sense!
In time though,the clouds will lift and you will get better days (it's not a linear journey, but a gradual one). Then one day you will notice that you've actually had more good days than bad days and the sun will start to shine more frequently for you. You have many many years of parenthood Infront of you. In the grand scheme of things, not enjoying the hardest toddler stage during a difficult home renovation, is not going to really have an impact upon how your child turns out. Nor does it define how good a parent you are.