Daughter's friends' drinking (heavily?) during play date

[lonerdottierebel]

I recently took my daughter for a play date with a girl at school she's very fond of and often talks about. I had met the dad before and seemed to get on with him, and I was aware that him and his partner were good friends with another couple, whose daughter my little one sometimes has play dates with.

Whilst my daughter went off playing with her friend for a few hours, I stayed and socialised with the parents. For the most part we got on really well, had lots in common, and it turns out we know a lot of the same people and have probably crossed paths when we were younger. However, there were a couple of things that concerned me. They offered me a drink, and I asked for a glass of water. They both then started drinking (alcohol). In the three hours we were there, dad had drank about 3 gin and tonics, and his partner has drunk 5 glasses of wine. To me this seemed a lot, considering it was a play date with two 6 year olds to look out for, not to mention their 4 month old baby, who was also being breastfed.

As well as this, there was a lot of talk about how they often have a load of their child's friends over, and whilst they are upstairs entertaining themselves, the grownups set up a bar and have a bit of a party and the vibe I got was that a lot of alcohol was consumed. Apparently they did this on their daughter's 6th birthday too. For me, if I'm throwing my daughter a party, it's all about her, and I'd be too busy to be having my own party.

I don't drink these days, and when I did it was before my daughter was born, so I don't really know what it's like to be intoxicated whilst a small child or baby is around. I'm aware, my perspective might be different as a result, as I couldn't imagine doing that personally. A few beers at a family bbq or something, fair enough, go for it, but what are everyone else's views on this situation? Am I being snobbish, overly-anxious, a party pooper? My memories of going to my friends' house never included their parents drinking. Did I just have a particularly alcohol-free childhood?

I noticed as well, that their spirit bottles were all lined up on the radiator in the living room, well in reach of the children. My daughter is very well behaved and her friend seems well adjusted, but the idea of her being their alone in the future - as she has been invited again, makes me nervous. Not to mention that when they were making pizzas for their tea, this woman handed the kids her empty wine bottle to roll the dough.

The other thing was that they swore a lot, even when the kids were in the room. At first I thought it was accidental, then realised they didn't seem to care. Personally, I don't swear in front of my daughter. Am I being snobbish again?

These parents are friends with some of the other parents I associate with, who don't seem like this at all. So it would be hard for me to just cut them out if I didn't approve of them as that could have a large knock-on effect to my daughter's social circle, which I am trying to help expand for her (her mum isn't social and doesn't do play dates and so my daughter has suffered a bit in that area). And considering they've asked for further play dates, a sleepover, and to help pick my daughter up from school, leaves me in a tricky position. Not to mention that if I put everything I've mentioned aside, they seem to be really nice people.

Drogosnextwife is right. Comments would be very different if they were necking vodka or Buckie during the day in charge of kids.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with very moderate alcohol consumption around children, but this isn't what you're describing if it's accurate. I'd be worried about 5 glasses of wine woman. If she wasn't visibly really pissed that suggests a very well developed high tolerance already. That takes time and effort to build! You were there, so I wouldn't have worried about my child's safety, but I wouldn't be accepting an offer of a sleepover. You've no way of knowing if they stop there or carry on for the night.

@RapBitch22

Unfortunately science is not on your side in this argument. As PP has said you would need to be twice the legal driving limit for your milk to even be a 5th as alcoholic as orange juice.

There is virtually no transmission of alcohol to breast milk so as long as you are sober enough to hold your baby then crack on.

People swearing at/around their kids would have attracted raised eyebrows too.

I’m not a fan of using class as a differential, but where I’m from, the people swearing in front of and at their kids are definitely not the ones from the more affluent areas round by us. I don’t believe the drinking thing is a class issue either.

OP you do sound very judgemental. I’m not a drinker and have always preferred there is one sober adult around at kids parties where my daughter is, which is usually me because I have to stay with her. I couldn’t care what other people choose to do around their children though.

I don't see how they were really doing anything wrong if they were sober enough to make pizza dough with six year olds.
God knows how though I had three large wines at soft play and was too drunk to cook, I phoned a pizza and had a lie down and a cup of tea while the kids ate it.
My Facebook is filled with merry looking Mums and Dads in the garden with drinks while the kids play so it's not rare.

YANBU OP

I hate the drinking culture in this country. I wouldn't have it around my son. FFS people can't have a play date without necking a bottle of wine? I don't really drink anymore due to health but I would never have a child in a situation where all adults had had a drink. It's really distasteful.

Of course a 6 year old's birthday is all about them. I recently went to a child's party where all the adults stood around necking cider. They didn't even do her cake or sing happy birthday - they were all too busy being hilarious 😐

They wouldn't be my type of friend's OP - I couldn't give a shit if someone thinks I'm a snob.

the idea of spending time at a 6 year old's birthday without a drink sounds like a nightmare

Wtf is happening 😂😂 I’ve never known a 6yo bday party to be a piss up.

You sound really boring OP.

It’s the fucking twilight zone I swear.

A couple of gins or glasses of wine if it was a weekend lunchtime playdate I would bat an eyelid at, but 5 glasses of wine is quite a bit.

Are you sure it was 5 glasses of wine?

The only family I’ve ever known who socialise this way are upper middle class and the dad is now teetotal after his second stint in rehab, the mum reminds me of one of those stereotypical drunk, addicted to adhd meds’ mums on American teen tv shows.

Tbh even the wine bottle as a rolling pin seems a bit grim

Noooo! Take a bottle of wine straight out of the fridge and use as a rolling pin if you’re making pastry. Keeps it cool...

How big were the wine glasses? 5 large glasses us nearly 2 bottles.

5 small/very small glasses could be 1/2 or a whole bottle. Very different.

I sometimes have a glass or 3 with dinner but very small glasses so probably only adding up to a large glass overall.
3 gins isn’t excessive.

However I wouldn’t be comfortable leaving my young child in their care if I didn’t know them very well.

AmateurSwami Tue 20-Aug-19 15:39:09
It’s the fucking twilight zone I swear.

This thread is an odd one. Usually drinking threads (typically of the "do I have a problem?" variety) are full of people for whom a glass of wine a month or so is the norm. On this one it's, "I had 3 large wines at soft play, couldn't switch my oven on and nearly passed out." Hey ho.

She sounds like my kind of playdate!

God, praise the Lord I've left those sanctimonious play dates days well in the past now.

I'm dropping my two at alcoholic parties of their own.

No seriously, we used to all take our kids to the harvester order food and wine, on the last day of term, at primary. Then I'd walk home with my 2. No one ever criticised.

I have drank wine on a play date but usually sharing a bottle with the other parent, so a glass and a half each.

It does sound excessive but it may just be that they got a bit carried away?

Id maybe offer a play date in return at yours and just offer coffee etc, just to see how they are then.

As you say you got on well!

"but I would never have a child in a situation where all adults had had a drink. It's really distasteful."

oh I've heard it all now. Don't take your kids to a family party, or friends bbq then?

Good grief.

I have never been offered a drink at a playdate. I enjoy a drink when the DCs in bed luckily my DH does not drink at all.
Think it seems excessive what if a child needed medical attention fall etc? Pretty sure that would not go down well at a and E?

To answer some of your questions...

The title of the thread was meant to be 'Daughter's friend's PARENTS drinking (heavily?) during play date' - sorry for any confusion.

The play date was in the afternoon. We were there three hours. Originally, my DD's friend was going to come to ours, but then we were invited over there instead because it was easier for them (they didn't really give a reason), but it does beg questioning. I could stay if I wanted to, so I did, as I felt it would be good for me to get to know some other parents.

The woman definitely had at least 5 glasses. I'm not sure what size glasses she was having, but she polished one bottle during the three hours we were there, and had one or two glasses from a new bottle. The first bottle was the one used as a rolling pin.

I wouldn't have a problem with a full wine bottle being used. I don't think children should be completely sheltered from alcohol. I just feel parents should be a bit more responsible. It was the empty wine bottle that had just been polished off that was being used, which personally made me feel uncomfortable.

The woman seemed fairly capable considering how much she had drank. This surprised me too, as personally (even when I used to drink and could handle it better), I wouldn't have been so capable with that much alcohol inside me. She was perhaps a little more 'joyful' than you'd expect from a sober person, and as we left it was more obvious that she'd been drinking, but other than that, it would have been hard to tell, which as some of you have mentioned, raises the concern as to how frequently they are drinking to become so tolerant.

I didn't intend to pass judgement regarding breastfeeding, but mentioned it, because not knowing much about alcohol when breastfeeding, I wanted to get some more info/opinions.

In regards to finding myself in a tricky position in terms of future play dates, etc. I would of course just say 'no'. However, the couple in the OP are good friends of another couple, whose daughter my DD gets on with really well and goes to their house, etc. They seem like a really nice family, and very sensible too, with similar values to me and who I get on with well. I'm aware that cutting off the couple in the OP could have a negative consequence on my daughter's other friendships as it sounds like they often get together, and were hinting at joining them in social occasions where this other girl and her parents, and more of my daughter's friends would be present too. I feel like if I was to cut off one family, I'd have to cut off another which would be a real shame for my daughter.

To emphasise for some, there are some social situations where kids happen to be present too, that I feel drinking alcohol is fine - a family get together, a bbq, going out for dinner together, etc. The problem for me is that if it's a child-focused event or activity, the emphasis should be on the children, especially when they are as young as 6. IMO. I personally find it hard to understand the NEED to have a drink in order to get through a play date or birthday party, etc, and I say that as both a person who used to drink and knows how relaxing it can be, and as someone who has been teetotal for 5+ years.

I should also add that my daughter had a great time, and is eager to go back again. Obviously that doesn't mean she should. I could just invite her friend to our place, but I feel invitations to go over to theirs again are just going to keep stacking up, so I need to make a decision.

Sounds like large glasses. One and say a half bottles of wine to yourself is a LOT. I’d be absolutely trolleyed and very ill on that.
3 gins in 3 hours is absolutely fine. The wine is far too much though. I’d be so sick!

It's up to them how they parent their children, and up to you how you parent yours.

If you have concerns about yours spending time at their house, don't let them, it's really that simple.

Also, do you know how strong the wine was? There's a huge difference between a light 7% wine and a heady 14% one. One and a half bottles of 7% wine would be the equivalent of a couple of pints of strong craft beer. Over a few hours that wouldn't add up to much.

Irrelevant Ophelia. It's an unnecessary amount of wine and the woman's clearly a drinker.

Interesting article on Woman's hour yesterday about the culture of "yummy mummy drinking" It is a bit sad.

Regardless of the alcohol content that's a lot of day time drinking at a play date.
I'm not tee total by any stretch but I wouldn't drink more than a glass or two maximum if I was supposed to be looking after children. Even then it wouldn't be an every day occurrence. Giving them the benefit of the doubt maybe they got carried away because they were not at work so in holiday mode? Or maybe they felt more relaxed drinking knowing you were sober and keeping an eye on things. Not great though and I would need to meet them again and see how they behaved before I trusted my child with them alone.

I wouldn't feel comfortable at all doing sleepovers etc at their house if this is normal for them.

I think you should make sure playdates are at yours and make excuses if the plans change. I have a feeling they changed it to their house so that neither of them had to drive.

About the other couple I would check them out too. Personally, I wouldn't cut of one friend because they cancelled a playdate or 2 with another set of friends. I might be in the minority on this though.

Also, they might not be as close as you imagine them to be, and might not be aware of the heavy drinking. I think if they are very close and are aware of how much the other couple drink it's probably because they drink a lot too.

I empathise a lot with you. I too don't drink much anymore and I also find it difficult to make friends. My partner is always on at me to make mum friends for my kids to have an easier time once they start school. But he's not exactly good at this stuff either.