Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Daughter's friends' drinking (heavily?) during play date

79 replies

lonerdottierebel · 20/08/2019 12:13

I recently took my daughter for a play date with a girl at school she's very fond of and often talks about. I had met the dad before and seemed to get on with him, and I was aware that him and his partner were good friends with another couple, whose daughter my little one sometimes has play dates with.

Whilst my daughter went off playing with her friend for a few hours, I stayed and socialised with the parents. For the most part we got on really well, had lots in common, and it turns out we know a lot of the same people and have probably crossed paths when we were younger. However, there were a couple of things that concerned me. They offered me a drink, and I asked for a glass of water. They both then started drinking (alcohol). In the three hours we were there, dad had drank about 3 gin and tonics, and his partner has drunk 5 glasses of wine. To me this seemed a lot, considering it was a play date with two 6 year olds to look out for, not to mention their 4 month old baby, who was also being breastfed.

As well as this, there was a lot of talk about how they often have a load of their child's friends over, and whilst they are upstairs entertaining themselves, the grownups set up a bar and have a bit of a party and the vibe I got was that a lot of alcohol was consumed. Apparently they did this on their daughter's 6th birthday too. For me, if I'm throwing my daughter a party, it's all about her, and I'd be too busy to be having my own party.

I don't drink these days, and when I did it was before my daughter was born, so I don't really know what it's like to be intoxicated whilst a small child or baby is around. I'm aware, my perspective might be different as a result, as I couldn't imagine doing that personally. A few beers at a family bbq or something, fair enough, go for it, but what are everyone else's views on this situation? Am I being snobbish, overly-anxious, a party pooper? My memories of going to my friends' house never included their parents drinking. Did I just have a particularly alcohol-free childhood?

I noticed as well, that their spirit bottles were all lined up on the radiator in the living room, well in reach of the children. My daughter is very well behaved and her friend seems well adjusted, but the idea of her being their alone in the future - as she has been invited again, makes me nervous. Not to mention that when they were making pizzas for their tea, this woman handed the kids her empty wine bottle to roll the dough.

The other thing was that they swore a lot, even when the kids were in the room. At first I thought it was accidental, then realised they didn't seem to care. Personally, I don't swear in front of my daughter. Am I being snobbish again?

These parents are friends with some of the other parents I associate with, who don't seem like this at all. So it would be hard for me to just cut them out if I didn't approve of them as that could have a large knock-on effect to my daughter's social circle, which I am trying to help expand for her (her mum isn't social and doesn't do play dates and so my daughter has suffered a bit in that area). And considering they've asked for further play dates, a sleepover, and to help pick my daughter up from school, leaves me in a tricky position. Not to mention that if I put everything I've mentioned aside, they seem to be really nice people.

OP posts:

Evilmorty · 20/08/2019 13:28

I should add that I live in an area of London that has been gentrified and you get a mix of locals and hipster type people who have moved here quite recently. All parents at this party were the gentrified lot. Whether that makes a difference I don’t know, but I think of our town as a pretty standard dump and they think of it as living a very urban and bohemian lifestyle so maybe they enjoy a drink as part of that.

Millie2017 · 20/08/2019 13:28

To be concerned about a parent drinking 5 glasses of wine during a play date is not being precious!
I’ve only ever been offered alcohol once and have done about 1,000 play dates over the years. On that occasion the other parent had one glass over the course of about 2 hours. You know, normal drinking.
A party is slightly different and I’ve been to many when the parent have a glass or two while the children are up and then carry on when they are in bed.
If it were me, I’d not leave them unsupervised if I could possibly avoid it.

Millie2017 · 20/08/2019 13:31

In relation to the swearing. I’m guilty of swearing in front of my children but I’d never swear in front of anyone else’s on purpose!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3-6 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting

SheisMammyof2 · 20/08/2019 13:31

I'm with you OP and I would serve alcohol at kids birthday parties (to the adults) but on a regular playdate, presumably during the day, then no. Even at birthday parties it would be one or two glasses of wine or a bottle of beer, 5 glasses over three hours seems excessive. I would not allow my child on unsupervised play dates, sleepovers, or in a car with those parents.

lisbet679 · 20/08/2019 13:32

I don't think you're clutching pearls OP.

They sound like a couple of alcoholics in the making. And no, I wouldn't want my DD at age 6 on her own in the house with them 'looking after the kids'.

My DD did have a lovely friend with parents very much as described. In fact the parents were well meaning etc, but yes, alcoholic - especially the Dad. And yes things went spectacularly pear-shaped for the family. Very sad all round. But I didn't trust them with my DD and with good reason.

Derbee · 20/08/2019 13:32

You sound judgy about someone drinking and having a breastfeeding baby - that’s none of your business. So YABU.

YANBU to be looking out for your child. I know you can’t live in a bubble, but I wouldn’t be happy to send a 6 year old round to play at someone’s house who was drinking and swearing in front of them. So I do see where you’re coming from. I think the swearing bothers me more than the drinking, but it would depend on how sweary the swearing was.

Rapbitch22 · 20/08/2019 13:33

@ReggaetonLente same!! I would be absolutely smashed off 5 glasses of wine! No way would I be holding a four month old or looking after my kid I’m a lightweight too though

Derbee · 20/08/2019 13:34

I’d try and have the children to my house, rather than send yours to their house unattended.

Rapbitch22 · 20/08/2019 13:35

Also can I just say if we swopped the five glasses of wine to 5 pints of Stella and put this breastfeeding mum up the pub... I think many people would object

Just coz it’s wine it doesn’t make it okay, getting drunk as a skunk and BFding your kid is gross

1066vegan · 20/08/2019 13:36

YNBU

Dd is now a teen, but I took her to plenty of playdates and children's parties when she was little. None of them involved adults drinking and I would have been a bit surprised if they had.

As some pp have said, there's a bit of a difference between those kinds of events which are more child-orientated and social get togethers where the kids happen to also be there. In the latter case, I wouldn't have a problem with some of the adults drinking provided that each child has a parent (or whichever adult is responsible for them) who ideally sticks to soft drinks or at least really limits how much they drink just in case there is a problem.

I'd feel pretty uncomfortable in the situation described in the OP.

One ppl said that the swearing wasn't a problem because children would hear it anyway. Totally disagree. You might as well say that there's no point parents modelling any kind of desirable behaviour because children will see people doing the opposite. I swear like a trooper when I'm alone with my dp or some of my friends but still try not to swear in front of my dd and certainly wouldn't have when she was young.

MoltoAgitato · 20/08/2019 13:38

Christ yes, that’s well out of order. I’m sure there will be a crew of people telling us we are sanctimonious kill joys but that’s not right, to be drinking that much in front of the kids. I’d be smashed, and I’d also judge anyone who clearly regularly drinks enough so that after 5 glasses of wine doesn’t feel impaired.

BogglesGoggles · 20/08/2019 13:40

I wouldn’t allow my children to go there unsupervised.

FunnysInLaJardin · 20/08/2019 13:48

I would find this really odd too OP.

I am I suppose MC and in our circle people just don't drink at play dates or children's parties. It would be really odd.

The only time we would drink is if we had all got together for dinner, and even then some people would drive.

My DC are 9 and 13 and so I've been to plenty of play dates and parties and can honestly say no one has drank at any of them.

I wouldn't be comfortable OP and would avoid in future or just invite the child to your house.

TheCatInAHat · 20/08/2019 13:48

A couple of afternoon gins on a play date would be my limit. This seems excessive and I do really like a drink. Also would be concerned by the swearing and booze within kids reach too.

BigusBumus · 20/08/2019 13:51

Very very affluent-country-set area where i live. Mine are older now, but it would deffo have been the done thing to offer wine straight away if another mum was coming round with her children to play. As in "Can i get you a coffee? Glass of wine?"

Wildorchidz · 20/08/2019 13:52

I’d judge too. A lot.

Drum2018 · 20/08/2019 13:52

And considering they've asked for further play dates, a sleepover, and to help pick my daughter up from school, leaves me in a tricky position

No it doesn't. You just say No. I wouldn't allow my 7 year old on a sleepover as I feel it's still a bit young, so you can easily say no to that. As regards school pick up, just say you don't need help with after school childcare. If you don't wish your dd to go to their house for play dates then just say it doesn't suit if and when invited. If the kids get on and you are happy to have their child over to your house then do that, and offer tea/coffee if they happen to stay. You simply don't have to put yourself in an uncomfortable position at their house again. You're an adult and can just say No. I'm sure they won't lose sleep over it.

pallisers · 20/08/2019 13:53

I would really limit contact. There wouldn't be any play dates unless I was there and there's no way they'd be picking my child up from school or having her sleep over. No way at all.

This exactly. And yes I would judge a woman who had 5 glasses (and I doubt those were pub measure glasses) of wine in 3 hours when breastfeeding and minding a 4 month old. I also judge her husband.

You say they seem like nice people, apart from the fact that some of their habits are different from yours. I would advise you to get over yourself unless/until something actually upsetting happens. Not everyone is going to be like you, or parent like you, and it's better to teach DC that people are all different rather than that people who seem nice must have something wrong with them just because they are different.

How would that go? "Darling I'm sorry you were hurt because your friend's parents were drunk when supposed to be minding you but the thing is I really had to get over myself until something bad happened. Now that it has, I can decide you shouldn't go there any more. But let's remember even people who drink a lot when minding children
are different, that's all. we can't say they are wrong because they seem nice."

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 20/08/2019 13:54

That sounds really weird to me! I've never had or offered alcohol at playdates - tea and biscuits are de rigueur. Get togethers where children are present, now those are a different thing.

Rolling the dough with an empty wine bottle is just plain skanky to my mind

YouJustDoYou · 20/08/2019 13:55

My bil and sil do this, along with mil. Anytime they get together (for kids parties, babysitting etc)- drinking straight away, all day, endless wine and beer and then mixed spirits towards the evening.

BlueBilledBeatboxingBird · 20/08/2019 13:56

I probably wouldn’t let my child sleep over there but can we stop the pearl-clutching over the breastfeeding please?

If the mother in question was at twice the legal limit to drive (in England) her blood alcohol, and therefore also her milk, would be at 0.16%. Fresh orange juice can naturally contain up to 0.5% alcohol.

CottonSock · 20/08/2019 13:59

My word, I'm a bit of a piss head wine lover and i would be surprised by this in my social circle. I'd probably have a great time though!

Drogosnextwife · 20/08/2019 14:00

I've never been offered a drink of alcohol on a play day and would never think to offer anyone a drink in my own house.
People seem to think if it's a wine or a few gins it's perfectly acceptable, if I said the 26 year old, single mother of 2 drinks a bottle of buckfast when she has her friends and their parents round at 3 in the afternoon, I think there would be some different comments.

Drogosnextwife · 20/08/2019 14:00

*her daughters friends.

Armi · 20/08/2019 14:26

I bloody love drinking but this would be unacceptable to me. I’ll drink in the evening (and not every evening!), when my child is asleep but never if we are hosting a sleepover. I certainly wouldn’t drink on a play date and would limit my daughter’s contact with a household where this was ‘normal’.

I am aware I’m pretty uptight, though. I was told so a few months ago when I declined a glass of wine before a christening. It was 10.30 in the morning!

Flip

1 2 3 4