Baby struggling at nursery

[Rosebud1302]

Hi all,

I have a (as of today 😁) 1 year old boy. He is amazing and loving but a real mummy's boy. Always been quite clingy and loves his cuddles. Very wary of strangers especially being left with people he doesn't know.

This is his third week at nursery which I really know isn't long. But I feel so bad because he is really not happy :( he cries his eyes out when we go in the building and is hysterical when they take him off me. I try very hard to be upbeat and positive for him but it rips my heart out to see him reaching for me and crying and me leaving 😭

During the day he is very up and down. He cries a lot and is clearly unsettled (the staff tell me he is up and down I'm not just being a paranoid mummy). I have lots of mummy friends and their babies loved nursery from day 1 and I feel so guilty that my son doesn't enjoy it :(. He has apparently started to cry when the door to his room opens or when someone leaves the room even if they aren't interacting with him so he is clearly not happy :(

I am just looking for positive stories that he will be ok in time. How long did it take your sensitive souls to settle at nursery? I want him to have a good time and to not feel abandoned by me every day!!

Thanks for reading :) x

Our DS was never into comforters but when he turned 1 we wanted him to have one so we picked a monkey and forced it onto him! We put it in with him at bedtime, put it in the pram etc and after about 5 days he was and still is his best friend! I plan on doing the same with DS2. Might be worth a try.

DS found nursery too overwhelming at 1 (was quite a clingy baby) so we switched to childminder and he was fine. Then changed him to nursery when he was toddling around and more confident (about 20months) and he loved it!

As a side note though, unless he's going full time 3 weeks isn't long enough to know if he's settling or not. It's also totally normal for them to cry when the room door opens - they all do it for a while when starting nursery I think. Eventually they'll settle it's just a case of letting it take time. It's hard for us as parents but I honestly think nursery was the making of my DS - he is no longer shy or clingy and his speech and skills came on in leaps and bounds once he joined nursery.

Thank you so much everyone. Seems like quite varied opinions which is to be expected of course.

If I'm honest I really would like to stick with this nursery if at all possible. It's honestly lovely. The staff all know him and are so lovely with him. It's small and intimate. And I really think (hope) he will flourish here if he can gain some confidence. I agree I don't think 3 weeks is long enough. Especially at part time too. I am definitely going to give it longer.

I tried to encourage him to like a cuddly bunny by doing exactly the same. He now just throws it out the way 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Of my 3, the eldest had the hardest time settling into nursery. I think it was such a change for her from being in fairly calm environments to the general noise and activity of a group of children. The younger siblings were used to more going on around them so have been less upset, although still taken up to 3 months to be happy about it.

If you like the nursery stick with it.

My DD was like this. She went to nursery 4 days a week and howled when left. It was a shock because DS at the same age was fine.

With DD it was no better 6 months later (😢). I ended up 'leaving' and then tiptoeing back 10 - 15 mins later to secretly watch. Unlike the other DC she hadn't settled. When I picked her up at the end of the day she could not get out of there fast enough (DS used to finish what he was doing).

Long story short after 6 months of this I handed my notice in and became a SAHM. We went to toddler groups and then at 3 she was happy to go to a preschool for a couple of days a week. I think she had just been too young.

@Rosebud1302 with him doing the 3 days he'll adjust to it pretty soon I'm sure! It's the children who do 1-2 days that find it hard as it's a long gap between the next time there in sort of thing. Maybe if your happy for him to take his muslin for comfort during the day or try him with the blanket, it's familiarity of home. Also this time of year there's prob a lot more babies settling, if some of them are crying it may upset him as well kind of remind him what's going on. It's good you've seen photos of him playing and that's reassuring for you as a parent I'm sure! And at least he'll eat and sleep there so he must feel comfortable in his surroundings! When you drop off do you do a quick hand over kiss and goodbye sort of thing? From experience parents who hang around because they feel guilty can make it worse as the child thinks there going to stay! He'll get better day by day tho :) x

Thank you everyone for your posts and comments it's really helpful to hear other stories.

@Squeakybubbles26 yes I do a quick drop off. All nice and happy "oh look Joshua it's........insert staff member.....! They would love a cuddle" etc. He never wants a cuddle bless him and clings on to me crying. I hand him over and he loses it. I give him a kiss say have a lovely day and I go. It rips my heart out to leave him like that but I know I can't hang around like you said.

He does have a muslin always in his bag and they have loads there but he only attaches to it when sleeping. I wish he liked his cuddly bunny as it's so lovely and comforting but he just has no interest!!

Thank you for your reassuring posts. I'm really hoping he feels happier soon xx

I had my daughter in nursery and childminder from 7 months (my niece goes to the childminder who is amazing but the childminder couldn’t fit in my daughter 3 days so 2 at childminder and 1 at nursery) but sh3 would not settle at all at nursery. Sometimes children are better in childminder environments.

My youngest started nursery when she was 3, as I'd just gone back to work. She loved it and is still friends with another little girl she met there.
This nursery had a section for babies who seemed to be well cared for.
Parents had to work, probably grandparents too in those days. Are your parents able to give childcare?
One year old could be just in between, in being able to separate from the security of home.
Sorry I can't give a more positive response.

You are right in the middle of peak "separation anxiety" time! Nearly all children go through that clingy stage: it's part of their development and we worry more about the ones who don't.

I wonder if increasing his days at nursery might help? It might be too long between his sessions for him, particularly if he's there for less than 3 days a week.

If I can offer some reassurance, I've known two very clingy children at my childminding setting: one was DS, now 19, when he started nursery school and the other - a minded child - is now a big girl of 15.

Both are now happy and well-adjusted and they did settle eventually. I have asked both if they can remember just why they got so upset and my son's reply was "No idea! I must have been mad!"
The 15 year old often jokes about how dreadful she must have been

I’ve appreciated reading this as I’m in a similar boat except DS is 18 months and has only had a settling in week so far.

Sensible post, Tanith.

To be honest I don’t think things are that bad if he is eating and sleeping 😴!
Most very upset children don’t eat or settle at nursery ...
his ups and downs are unsettling and I understand you will be struggling with that but I’m sure he’ll settle before too long ..

Good luck and take care and never feel guilty about going out to work to give your child a good life ....

My LG had to go to nursery around 1 as we were both working. All she did was cry and I felt so guilty, hated taking her. After about 4 weeks she started getting better. Now at 17 months she loves nursery! Helps us pack her bag and waits by the door to go. Even when I pick her up sometimes she won’t come to me, she would rather play lol
It will get better xxx

If I needed to put my 1 y old into some kind of childcare I would try to get a nanny so he was at home and socialising by going to groups etc
Failing that a childminder as second option

Can i be charged for a crime commited when i was 12/13 and now I'm 40?

Nannies are much more expensive than nursery; they only begin to make sense from a financial point of view when you have 2 or even 3 children.

There are several posts on this thread and others like it, that are really unhelpful. If you don't have any experience of nursery settling and improvement in the child's experience and behaviour, why are you (generally, not aimed at a specific poster) even commenting? 🙄

OP, it's worth IMO continuing with the comforter/muslin/blanket/toy- your DC may not care about it now, but may find it comforting in a few months or during developmental periods of separation anxiety.

You're doing the right thing to say goodbye quickly, as much as I know it's hard to leave when they're upset! Make sure you sound super excited on the journey to nursery as well :)

Amber Eh?! What?!

Anyway, OP, 3 weeks is nothing. I think 2 months actually is quite sensible tbh. DD started nursery at 8.5 months, 3 consecutive days a week, I went back to work two weeks after she started. She had two short settling-in sessions before she started, one of them I was at present at. The baby room at my nursery goes up to 2 years old and they have a staff ratio of 2:1 for under 1s. I think the sleeping and eating are good signs that your DC is well on their way to settling. My DD cried at pick up and drop off every day for the first 2 months or so but she was quickly distracted with breakfast on the way in. The first week or two she did really struggle as she didn't drink much milk or eat much but then she started to eat better and drink her milk better after that. The biggest problem we had was sleep because she has never napped well and is a light sleeper so she hardly slept at all for the first 2 or even closer to 3 months. Like literally, 9 month old baby being woken at 7.30am and then having one 30 min nap and one 45 min nap and being collected at 5.45pm to be given her tea. The first few weeks she wouldnt eat dinner and would just cry because she was just so painfully exhausted and wanted to go to bed. It was really sad and we felt sad for her but nursery said once she had got used to the noise there she would sleep better - and it took a few months, but they were right. She now has an hour or two after lunch with the other kids. Still exhausted mind but not as horrendously as before and will eat her tea fine etc before bed.

There are several posts on this thread and others like it, that are really unhelpful. If you don't have any experience of nursery settling and improvement in the child's experience and behaviour, why are you (generally, not aimed at a specific poster) even commenting? 🙄

This.

Wow everyone thank you so so much for even more reassuring posts. I can't remember who said what but for a general response;

Really lovely comments about their babies settling. Unfortunately more days a week there isn't feasible for us as it is so so expensive and I am not bringing home hardly any money after fees as it is! Grandparent care is also not an option for us :(

Yes I agree the sleeping and eating must be good signs. He always eats his breakfast and he gets that after I leave so surely this means he is semi ok at least!!!

Will definitely continue with the teddy/blanket. I have slept with his bunny so it smells of me and I cuddle up with him and it before bedtime to encourage him to snuggle it.

Yep I am super enthusiastic on the way and when we get there. I think I'm pretty convincing haha!! He is definitely better than he was, in the sense that he used to cry when we got to the front door and now it's "only" when he gets taken off me. Poor little thing.

I will be sticking with this nursery (at least for now) as I am so convinced this will be the making of him if he can feel better about the whole thing. They really are a lovely nursery and they make me feel very comfortable and reassured. Yes peak separation time I have heard this. It has all coincided rather badly poor boy!!

Thank you so much again for all the responses you have honestly made me feel so much better!!!!

Hi I worked in a few nurseries including baby rooms before I had my own. It is 100% normal for it to take a few weeks for a baby to settle. Especially if they’ve not been away from mum before. I wouldn’t worry If you get good vibes from the nursery and staff itwon’t take much longer. One thing I would say about people recommending childminders is they are completely alone all day if there is an emergency no one is on hand immediately to help e.g a child has an accident they have to deal with the child and leave all the rest unattended. In nurseries there is other staff and management which is why I would prefer a nursery myself.

My laid back 1 year old took me by surprise when it took him a good 6 weeks to settle in to nursery. The first few weeks were horrendous, with him crying as soon as we arrived at nursery and being distraught when I left him. It was heartbreaking! He just does 2 days a week.
After 6 weeks we tried slightly shorter days for him, 9-4.30 ish, and giving him breakfast at home, and he's now so much happier (not sure if it's the shorter days or just coincidence!), such a relief for me. I hope your little boy will settle soon too, I really do think in many cases it takes a couple of months for baby to settle, it is such a big change after all, and quite a few of my friends have had a similar experience.

I have a clinger just like yours. Hes 2.5 now and started nursery at 8 months. I kind of knew he was going to struggle and we both said that as long as he was eating every day and having one nap then we will go with it. It wasnt pretty and he didnt make it easy for me but there was a big turn around after he started walking, he loves nursery now and cant wait to get there to see his friends. I do have some tips.

1. Drop and run. It's not doing either of you any good you hanging in the corridor, better to get to work and call if you need to. Quick kiss and tell him who will get him and relate it to a meal time "mummy will pick you up at lunch time"
2. If he will take a dummy dont stress about how much he uses it. My son only ever got dummy at bed time but he had it in solidly at nursery for the first couple of months. It gave him some comfort and some much needed peace for the nursery staff.
3. Put a light summer scarf that you've worn in his bag that he can have at nap time. Ds never used a comforter but again needed that comfort at nursery.
4. Keep the 3 sessions, the more he is in the quicker he will settle.
5. Take it easy on days off together. He will be tired from a lot of stimulation and probably just want to spend the day cuddling you. Dont worry if he has swimming lessons or baby group, just follow his lead.

I absolutely love the girls at my sons nursery, I literally dont know how they do it every day. It makes it easier when you get to know and trust them. I dont know if it's related to nursery but DS speech is very good and he loves to tell me all that hes done at nursery and who he was playing with. He still screams whenever I drop him off but doesnt do it for any one else...he just likes to wind me up!

I worked in a nursery and we accepted babies from 6 weeks old...

We always suggested a baby start before 7/8 months then a year for example as a 12 month old baby can struggle to settle in more.

Hopefully he will settle soon, but trust your cut. A childminder may suit him better.
Some babies, just dont get on in a nursery environment.

We had two children that would cry from the moment they got there at 7.30 till the moment they left at 6.30 for atleast a year. There was nothing you could do for them, believe me we tried....
They should of been taken out of nursery it really was horrible for the poor babies