My 7yr old hits and blames mum

[Babybrainstill]

Hi I'm needing a bit of advice...
I'm a mum to a 2yr old and 7yr old...
My daughter 7yr old..has always lacked concentration and understanding when being chastised...her behaviour towards me is like she hates me sometimes...
She doesn't listen to a word I say,nor does she listen to me when I'm trying to tell her she's wrong for doing something naughty...
I sometimes feel like I'm not a parent as she pleases herself when and what she does..with almost everything around the house...
Anyhow the reason for me writing this is,
Tonight she was messing about before bed(the usual routine) me chasing her...she then hid under her bed and when I found her as I was in another room..as she was getting out,she scraped her back on the bunk bed ladder,and screamed...I instantly tried to hug her and comfort her,
Instead she screamed at me to get away,I hate you....
I was saying to her "why are you saying that"
But she just screamed at me then suddenly smacked me in the face...
I was in shock....
I couldn't believe it....
Her dad then came upstairs wondering what the hell was going on...
She's still screaming for me to get away from her...
All I wanted to do was cuddle her after she hurt herself...
But besides tonight's horrible episode...
I am worried...
She lacks concentration,she very rarely wants affection,,she won't accept the word no....
I love her with all my heart,but I just feel like she doesn't like her own mum...
I feel like I can't get through to her to explain her behaviour sometimes is unacceptable....

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

You sound worried that there might be something non-neurotypical going on, as well as the concern about her love for you...

Yes it has crossed my mind,I don't know what to think at moment..

How is your 2 year old?
Have you kept up any consequences for bad behaviour with 7yo?

I have a really hard time thinking up consequences and following them through. That said my 6yo does listen to the "why" I'm telling her off after and apologise but In the moment she won't listen to me and is very stubborn
Sorry not much help x

You’re chasing her? Sounds like a good game. Every time she delays bedtime routine, bring it forward half an hour. Don’t play silly games. Sit and wait; ignore her. For an hour if necessary. Change the rules.Go downstairs away from her until she’s apologised and is ready to behave.

Set a very clear routine with very clear rewards for specific behaviours. A star on a chart for putting her pyjamas on, for example. Not woolly being generally good but real specific behaviour. A huge star at the end of the week and a phone call to grandma or something similar.

She scraped her back whilst being very naughty but you went to cuddle her? I think I’d have left her to come to me instead of rushing in. She’s not going to come to great harm from a graze but she might learn consequences. She sounds like she has you firmly wrapped around her finger and is ruling the roost. You might want to be firmer rather than allowing poor behaviour.

I’d try not to get into a cycle of ever increasing consequences. Reward is far more effective with a few clear rules and not giving attention to reinforce poor behaviour.

My 2yo is just a typical 2 yo...
Terrible 2s,
7yo has never listened to me whilst trying to chastise...she will walk or run off,laugh...then we I get firm it then ends up with me raising my voice after trying the nice approach...
Even if I try and sit her down to explain,she will never look at me in the eyes and here what I'm saying...
She looks else where,fidgets...then seconds later will talk about something...like she just not heard a word iv said...
There a lot of concerns I have really

I absolutely no where I'm going wrong,I completely agree giving chase is a game....
Iv tried the walking away...
She has said sorry mummy....il go back in,and she repeats the same behaviour again...
Iv stood outside her door 30 times before now....
I sound like a crap mum having her running me riot....
Whatever advice I get I will be seriously acting on it as from tomorrow...

Try PACE parenting

She knows you’re waiting outside the door. It’s part of the way you’re inadvertently reinforcing the unwanted behaviour.
It’s not about being a crap parent. It’s a hard line between not being overly harsh but maintaining the balance of who is in charge and staying firmly in control. I suspect part of the problem is you’ve reached a point where you don’t believe you are in charge - and if you don’t believe it, she certainly won’t.

Walking away thirty times is part of the game. A firm “ Come downstairs when you’ve got your pyjamas on and we’ll have a story’, as long as you are quick” will be more effective than holding her PJs and chasing her around the house.
Don’t try and make it perfect overnight. Focus on one thing at a time. Stay downstairs until she has her PJs on and is ready for her story. Be generous in the ‘not too long’ to start with so she gets rewarded for the good behaviour.
Hitting is never acceptable. Ignore the ‘I hate you’ however hurtful; it’s just childish words. Don’t enter into a discussion about why she’s saying it just a simple ‘No, that’s not an OK thing to say. It’s hurtful’ makes the point. There is no reason to say it so don’t start excusing it or allowing her to. Don’t do massive make up hugs either. Just dismiss it as unacceptable. She sounds like a confused little girl who is a bit frightened about being allowed to be in charge.

Where is her father in all this? It needs to be shared parenting and a united front. He could do the putting to bed and establishing a routine.

You have a real concern so talk to the school about it and get their support. Ask how she is there, as a staring point.

Thankyou for your replies and advice....
Yes I agree I give chase which I know is turning into a game...
I have tried different strategies..
Walking away,going back in...
This isn't just bedtime it's throughout the day....breakfast dinner evening meal times...
She a lovely girl in general...but has these out bursts that I just can't control...
Well today has been interesting...I sat her down and explained to her that what happened last night was never to happen again as we will not accept that behaviour in our house....she was still messing about but stayed still for a minute...and apologised...
Her dad is very hands on...
He does support the chastising,we do it together in a positive way.....but as you can imagine sometimes it causes arguments between us when dd is being uncontrollable..
When I see other children doing what there told and listening directly to mum and dads eyes when their being told..
I think why won't mine do that...
I'm taking advice very seriously because I feel white drained at the minute

Has her school expressed any concerns? If you're worried about her maybe having a condition they'd be your first port of call. Some of her behaviour does sound like it could be non neurotypical but doesn't necessarily mean it is

Iv gone in a few times over the years to see how her behaviour is at school....
She's good at gold there...
She's quiet at school and the youngest in the class....but I do know she finds school work hard sometimes...
I think does that effect her behaviour at all...

I read something somewhere (honestly can't remember the source) about children trying really hard at school and turning into terrors at home cos they've been on their best behaviour all day. Also if she misbehaves for you that it's because she feels the most secure and safe with you that she can let those feelings out.

However that does not make your life easier if she's being really difficult with you. If you've tried everything in the book it might be worth talking to the school and telling them your concerns. They might be able to tell you what works for them (l she likes stickers as a reward or responds well to time outs etc) and it might be a hook for you as well to be like oh you've been so good doing so well doing x y and z I can't wait to tell your teacher.

Also if she's not responding well to being chastised maybe tried the opposite and praise anything you can find. If she's sat at the table be like, oh you're sitting so nicely, or if she's gives something to her little sister, that's such good sharing! It's hard to start with if you're patience has been worn down but it might be what she responds to.

That's great advice Thankyou....
It is wearing for any parent to feel like your constantly battling with your child...
Star charts iv tried....but I must admit I am starting that as from yesterday.....
It's attention span that seems the problem,as she loses interest with some things,not all things very easily...
It's definitely when me and dad are trying to tell her when she's done something wrong..,
I do praise her I must admit not lately though....

I suspect my view is similar to your own: with these sorts of behaviours still going on at 7 years old, it could be evidence that your DD has ongoing special needs and therefore may always be difficult to parent. On the otherhand, she could be late maturing.

One of my DDs was very challenging to parent at home (in different ways from yours). This raised similar questions in my mind to the questions you have. There had been some trauma in her life, which in our case was a possible explanation for her difficult behaviour. I organised a series of sessions with a child psychologist when she was 7 to get a professional view. The psychologist's view was that she was late maturing (several possible explanations) and hypervigilant (response to the trauma).

My DD is a bit older now; still challenging to parent at home (terrifically well behaved during class; not easy at after-school club) but her temper outbursts are getting less dramatic and more infrequent. The stressors in her life have been much less now for approximately a year, and she is older, so I plan to insist on better behaviour this school year. Up until recently I felt that I had to re-build her shattered self-esteem, which made parenting her temper tantrums really tricky. Fortunately her self-esteem is much healthier now, so I think I will be able to be stricter and call her out when she is behaving like a much younger child.

I think time will tell with your DD, but you might like to get a child psychologist's view in the meantime. Try to find a good clinic. Unless you're prepared to wait a very long time for the NHS waiting list (and convince your GP that her behaviour is very concerning), then you'll need to pay privately.

In the meantime -- the psychologists and therapists I've spoken to formally and informally confirmed that it is very important for the child's future life (adulthood) that their parent/s act in a mature way - modelling appropriate behaviour and communication during highly emotional situations. It is also important to the child's development that the parent stays in charge.

Proportionate rewards, consequences, lots of hugs (even in the middle of a stand off - to see if you can get past her barriers) and tonnes of patience are crucial. Hindsight humour is also helpful! Some of the tantrums and things she says are in hindsight pretty funny.

Try and figure out some of her 'triggers'.

It's exhausting, isnt it?! True parenting!

I'll be honest there's been loads of times I've praised mine through gritted teeth and sometimes it's literally scrapping a barrel looking for something! But I find with mine if if I'm too negative it just turns into an argument, and no matter how right you are you're never winning if you're arguing with a child 😓 and no one feels better afterwards!
You sound like an amazing mum. Parenting is very hard and confusing and full of guilt. You're clearly trying to do the best for her even when she's a little terror, so your definitely on the winning side!

Thanks for your replies...
It's one of those situations where after 7 yrs of consistently trying your best to have a happy loving child,its crossed my mind that there's something underlying with her....
I mean you go through the first few years thinking if it's just a phase..then another year goes by and nothing's changed...
So I thought about a psychologist many times....hen her behaviour seems to be not as bad so I brush it away...
But I do think going to see someone may put my mind at rest....
She is always told how much she's loved...
I praise her constantly...then no sooner has she been great she turns into a complete different child at what seems the turn of a switch....
When she hit me the other night and was screaming at me that she hated me she had been lovely all day....
I'm trying my best and do is dad...
She gets as much attention and love as her brother...because I thought at one time maybe she feels differently since he came along....
But really she always been like this...
School praise her lovely nature...
Which in a way I think I'm glad she is like that at school...
So that's when I wonder is there anything wrong...
Because wouldn't school have concerns otherwise....

I think you need to ask for her to be referred to a paediatrician. She sounds like there are a lot of autistic or PDA tendencies going on there, and it would be wise to get it investigated, so that any support she gets will be the right support and you can find out different sorts of parenting strategies and ways to create a better relationship with her x

I'd love someone to be here when these outbursts happen...I think il have to make an appointment....I won't lose anything by someone checking her out....
It just scars me a bit,you always want your child to be healthy and happy....
Thankyou for all this advice

if she has autism, it doesnt mean she wont be happy or healthy.
The more you know about your childs needs, mean the easier it is to meet them, and that gives you all your best chance for happiness.

I do have sympathy, as my daughter presents sometimes like she doesnt like me or people and can be quite aloof, and its hard not to take it personally, but we do have good phases too.

I totally agree with Cherrypavlova, there is no other way to say it other than you need to change your parenting skill with the 7 year old. You will find that at school or away from the house with other friends or family she will behave differently. find time before bed to play a quiet game or puzzle remind her about bed two times within half an hour before bed. Dont molly-coddle her. just a light hug or kiss. If she behaves reminder in the morning and give abig hug. If she doesn't, show her you are cross and withdraw too much affection until she behaves.

If she behaves at School, it is most unlikely she has autism, there appears to be a problem at home. No one child is the same, being cross with one child sometimes works, with another they are really upset.
Your body language has got to show you mean business, not everyone can do that. You remenber the teachers that come in, and the class falls silent. I was once asked by a social worker about smacking my children, my answer was that I would try to avoid it, but could not rule it out. I never did smack my daughter, my son was another matter, but from the age of seven, all that was needed, was discussion and consequencies. Try not to be negative, say yes as many times as you can, if it is not dangerous to your child or others try and say yes, for when you say no, a) you must mean it, and b) it should be plausible to your child even if you need to explain why.

It seems to me that out of all the behaviour for so many years, you were most horrified and upset by the words ' I hate you'.

Reading of your strategies up to now, it occurs to me that you are afraid of losing her affection if you are strict and accept no nonsense.

You are not going to be an effective patent to this child if you are afraid, deep down, of making her sad or angry with you.

Why are you afraid of really putting your foot down? Explanations and exhortations are not consequences. Requests for the word sorry are not consequences.

You have tried for seven years to have a happy, loving child.

There is no such thing unless you also work to mould a respectful, self controlled child, who listens to you and who has experienced consequences specifically for not listening.