My 7yr old hits and blames mum

[Babybrainstill]

Hi I'm needing a bit of advice...
I'm a mum to a 2yr old and 7yr old...
My daughter 7yr old..has always lacked concentration and understanding when being chastised...her behaviour towards me is like she hates me sometimes...
She doesn't listen to a word I say,nor does she listen to me when I'm trying to tell her she's wrong for doing something naughty...
I sometimes feel like I'm not a parent as she pleases herself when and what she does..with almost everything around the house...
Anyhow the reason for me writing this is,
Tonight she was messing about before bed(the usual routine) me chasing her...she then hid under her bed and when I found her as I was in another room..as she was getting out,she scraped her back on the bunk bed ladder,and screamed...I instantly tried to hug her and comfort her,
Instead she screamed at me to get away,I hate you....
I was saying to her "why are you saying that"
But she just screamed at me then suddenly smacked me in the face...
I was in shock....
I couldn't believe it....
Her dad then came upstairs wondering what the hell was going on...
She's still screaming for me to get away from her...
All I wanted to do was cuddle her after she hurt herself...
But besides tonight's horrible episode...
I am worried...
She lacks concentration,she very rarely wants affection,,she won't accept the word no....
I love her with all my heart,but I just feel like she doesn't like her own mum...
I feel like I can't get through to her to explain her behaviour sometimes is unacceptable....

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Tonight she was messing about before bed(the usual routine) me chasing her

For starters, you shouldn;t be chasing her. "It's bedtime now. If you keep running away, I will (insert appropriate punishment here)". Then you follow through. And repeat. Sometimes for many months/years. But the key thing is consistency.

If she's being good as gold as you say at school, if it is autism etc that can;t just be turned off on and when she likes.

Without a doubt I agree with all your replies...
I am without any doubt doing this all wrong....
Thats why I need help to try and start from the beginning with the parenting and do it correctly...
I'm hoping it's not too late and she's not been ruined by my lack of consistency....
This is the problem i just don't no where to start..
I just need a strategy that I need to stick too and for her to understand that children listen to parents....
And yes to agree I feel guilty shouting...
But believe you and me I'd rather get this right and as you e said mound her to be a good happy child...
Iv also never mentioned...
She is extremely funny and has a great sense of humour....
So when she doing the entertaining for me and dad.....when we laugh she seems to go a step further and think e everything's funny and a game....
If you understand wheat I mean

If all mums are totally honest with themselves, they're getting something wrong. Don't waste time or energy picking at everything you may or may not have got wrong in the past. Speak to your partner tonight and have a clear plan of how to move forward. Such as praise, time set aside for just you and her time, etc. And try to stick with it.
Do get her checked if you have a genuine worry that something isn't right, as it won't hurt to find out. Girls are better at hiding autism traits, but again it doesn't necessarily mean she has that.
Most of the strategies they'll give you for a child on the milder end of the spectrum, neirotypical children respond really well to as well. Such as routine, a clear time table of the day, having strategies where if things get to much they can have a break or time out, reading her cues and clear boundaries. So again they will only have a positive impact even if she hasn't got autism.

It is also perfectly normal for 7 year olds to have tantrums. Take a step back and try to have an unbiased mind on whether she is much worse than her peers. Maybe the expectations on her might be a bit unrealistic (again maybe not). As a grown adult I'm not happy and upbeat 100% of the time and can be moody and snappy. We just need to guide our children in releasing these emotions in a reasonable and acceptable manor.

I'm glad to hear that 7yo still have tantrums..also someone mentioned maturing later than her age group....
I'm hopping that's the case....
Yes it's probably true expecting too much...
You don't know what goes through their little minds about school friends etc...
I definitely will be speaking to a professional to hopefully rule out anything...
I agree we can't be badly all the time.....
That's just natural...
All I want is for dd to understand her boundaries....
Listening and understanding what myself and dad say goes..
I am easy on her most of the time because as iv said before she's a lovely little girl....
I just think she thinks she rules the roost..
And this I must stop....
Thankyou for all this advice it makes me feel so much better letting other people know how sometimes parenting can be...
My god we love our children and would die for them....but with as much joy and happiness they bring,they also bring a lot of stress....

How does she react to your husband? I noticed you said he came upstairs? Did she get consequences for slapping you?

I found that too much talking ( " chastising ") was counter productive. Short, simple, immediate consequences work better.
For bedtimes, lots of time warnings, e.g. " I'm going to start cooking tea now, then we'll eat, then we'll have time to watch xx together before your bath and bedtime story. " If she understands time, spell out the timings. If she messes about, then " oh dear, no time for xx now, what a shame . Never mind, if you're quick we can still have time for a stor y". Keep reminding her what's next.
She needs structure. You'll need to keep at i t, and you may need to start bedtime routine earlier. I found it helped to say ' last night it took too long, and you're tired now, so earlier bed tonight. "
The other thing is her behavior is very attention seeking- is she getting enough attention from you? Is she involved in things like cooking and cleaning or do you do that while she entertain s herself? Might be worth involving her with food preparation, scheduling time for board games. Give her positive attention, rather than when she acts up.

She tends to play us both against each other...
Dad will give her a good telling when she's played up....the same as I will,,,
It's funny today she has actually asked to help clean and tidy when i said I was going to do do housework...
Do that was lovely....
And I do actually say to her do you want help prepare dinner etc....
But again she loses interest very quickly....
I'm off to play now she will say which I suppose is ok....
Iv tried the going to bed earlier each night which again in some occasions as worked,then the next night it's back to square 1...
We play snakes and ladders as that's her favourite game in the evenings...not every night....so we're having a lovely time...then she starts acting silly jumping about and not wanting to go to bed....
Structure is an absolute must and by god I'm trying I really am....
Il set the routine for the day....and sometimes it's followed reasonably well.....
Then bam she refuses full blank to do what's asked....
Also she always has to right....talks over me..,
So me trying to explain this is what we're going to do etc,she completely ignores me and carries on with what she wants to do...
Unless I end up shouting and she listens to a degree then...,which I know isn't right

That could be the first change to keep it simple. If you've told her once in a clear manner then stick to what you said. Obviously there are times where you say something and they're generally to distracted or something (I'll, tired, upset), but generally if you go down to her level, make some eye contact that she's aware you're there (you do not have to maintain constant eye contact as it's a bit intense- imagine your boss telling you something and giving you a death stare through out!) and there's no good reason why she hasn't heard what you said.
For example, five minutes and we're brushing your teeth. Then in five minutes you simple say we're brushing your teeth. Get the tooth brush ready and carry on. If she acts up just say well what can we do five minutes is up (this is a strategy they may give you for an autistic child could be don't always enforce 'your' rules-for example instead of I said you have to brush your teeth, instead it could be the dentist told us we have to brush your teeth or else you may get tooth ache. I quite like that style of behaviour management because to be honest I never brush my kids teeth because I get a kick out of it or enjoy it, but it's something that needs doing 🤷‍♀️-sorry going off topic).

Also egg timers (even ones on a tablet or phone) are amazing cos they let children know exactly how much time they have. (For example, 10 minutes and then we have to put your toys way because we have to get ready for bed. The use of 'because is another strategy some autistic children respond to because there's a reason they have to do something. Again us adults like to know why we're doing something. Examples are, we have to tidy up because your toys might get broken, we have to go to the shops because we need some food for dinner, we have to get ready for school because you'll be late other wise.

She may resist at the beginning but if you've told her something in an appropriate manner she'll know you mean it and the selective deafness should reduce.

Sorry I've made it very wordy with examples.

Thanks for that advice...
Examples are a must for me....
An egg timer sounds like a brilliant idea...I never thought of that 1....
Your right regarding simple steps for them to understand....
Yesterday I saw a slight improvement,I involved her in making her own sandwich for lunch even though she insisted she wanted ketchup on it,but at least that was a start..
One thing I haven't mentioned is her lack of eating a variety of foods....
She refuses most foods..
Do you think that has a lot to do with behaviour problems....not getting the right nutrients

I have a challenging 5 year old and realised that it is not a phase - she has always been this way and parenting her, at times has been exhausting (plus I have done a lot of reading on PDA, visited GP, discussed with psychologist and had additional meetings with her teacher) but she doesn't seem to tick the boxes for any one thing. I am watching and waiting now and hoping that over the next couple of years, she settles down a bit and matures emotionally. I feel utterly drained at times wondering what I have done wrong (she has an older sibling that didn't display these traits and similar parenting) and I often feel alone in dealing with these issues. DD doesn't get invited on play dates like many of her peers and I have had to accept this, probably because she is so volatile but she does do a couple of extra curricular activities. Tiredness does have a big impact probably watch out for high sugar intake although I haven't made a direct connection yet.

I also found that limited choice (but achieving the same outcome) also helped - do you want to put your dress on first or clean your teeth? I also found that dd hates being 'told off' particularly in front of her friends - I actually whisper to her consequences for her behaviour and I find this to be more effective.

It is very hard having a challenging child....
Very tiring physically and emotionally.
Since iv posted on here which is my first ever post as only joined a week ago....
Iv read a few other posts...
Everyone gives similar advice...and advice is so needed right now....
I think I'm scared going to see a professional just because you don't want to hear there is something not quite right..and also I want to think she will grow out of these outbursts...
I'm hoping she matures and eventually life will become easier....
But I have to make that appointment Asap..
Iv been really watching and analysing her from a distance this week...the traits she shows are convincing me she could be on the border of non neurotypical...
Thanks for all your replies...it means a lot

The food fussiness can be a non-NT trait.

Hope you get an appointment soon, and some sort of definite yay or nay.

If you use a timer or an alarm to indicate that bedtime is upon her, that makes the clock or timer the ultimate authority, not you.

Set an alarm for a few minutes before you want her to start on the bedtime slog, than another for the actual time.

It's hard to argue with a clock.

Do you have an Echo/Alexa or other similar device? You can train them /personalise them - maybe try to get the device to 'speak' directly to your DD? Or sing a bedtime song, etc.

That's a brilliant idea using Alexa....
Il have to google how to do that....
Iv often thought her diet is terrible...d maybe not getting enough of the good stuff has something to do with it....
Il try the Alexa this weekend see if that works or helps in anyway....
Thankyou

It's kind of hard to judge OP without specific examples other than the bed time one OP. But knowing my 6YO DS, I don't actually think she sounds too much different from him. He definitely wants to test boundaries and wants to be in charge and control. Especially with bed time.

I'm not saying this a the perfect parent, because it's taken hard times to get me to this point. But you do have to stop getting yourself drawn into arguments with her. When my DS starts trying to argue about doing something I just repeat the request calmly. Bed time is definitely a sticking point in our house. Everyone is knackered and stressed by 7.30 and I will admit sometimes DH and I are as bad as the kids. But you just have to keep calm. Ignore the stupid behaviour and arguing back. Completely ignore the tantrums. Be completely emotionless in your reactions. I've tried being nicey nicey, I've tried being shouty and stern. But the best way is to be completely detached and not react in any way at all.

Also think about when and how the behaviour starts. If it's always in the evenings is she tired or hungry after a long day at school? Like I said bedtime is hard in our house because everyone is exhausted. Let her have some control in situations she can. Let her pick between things for what she can eat or wear that day. Let her choose what she does that day. If she likes to be in charge, let her be in charge of the times she can be. With the Ketchup on her sandwich, is that really such a big issue? There are somethings you have to let go of and accept its not what you would do but it's what your DC wants.

Hi it's been a while since I last came on....
Just want to say...my dad had really improved a lot....
Considering she is back at school,and I presumed she would be comming home tired and grumpy...
She's been great...very happy agreeable with both dad and I...
No shouting and screaming at all....
I don't know what's changed,but I must admit iv stayed a lot calmer and walked away from situations that could normally get out of hand...
Fingers crossed we can stay a happy household

Don't place 'a happy household' as your priority.

Your priority is to stay calm and in control regardless of how unhappy this makes your DD and regardless of how badly she kicks off.

When you place a happy household as the be all and end all, you give her all the power in the relationship. She knows that lack of harmony makes you upset so all she has to do when she feels put out about something is to kick off and refuse to stop.

It is terrifying to a child to realise on any level that she has this power over her parents even while at the same time indulging in displays of temper.

You need to show her you are not afraid of her or upset by her. Guard your facial expressions and keep your voice low and clear.

She may be feeling more secure and happy because she is now in an environment all day where order and good behaviour are impartially enforced, by a teacher who does not show she is upset.

And you can introduce language when she is throwing a strop or when she is calming down, like -
'Are you frustrated?'
'Are you feeling angry?'
'Do you feel I haven't understood you?'
'Are you disappointed about X/Y/Z?'
'Can you talk about the feelings you are having right now?'

I came across a system of using different coloured cards showing feelings.
Green card means 'all is well'.
Yellow card means 'trouble is brewing'.
Red card means 'something has changed into a negative'.
Blue card means 'let's talk'.
Both parties can flash the cards at each other instead of speaking, to give an indication of how things are proceeding, emotionally.
Flashing the green card can encourage reciprocal green flashes.
The beauty of this if it's practiced, is that taking the moment to identify the feeling and then pick up the yellow or red card gives a moment in which the feeling is put on hold. It can actually defuse situations.

You could also ask her, in quiet moments, to draw a picture or just apply random colour to a page, and tell you about it. Do you know what colours are her favourites? You can get a sense of mood from use of colours that are favourites and also colours she doesn't like.

Asking her to tell you a story can be a very useful way to bond, to find out hints about her feelings, to gauge what elements of her life she is working to process right now. You could snuggle up on the couch with a bowl of popcorn for this.

When you read to her, read books that will elicit some emotional response, not just reading band stories. Look for books where the characters have a scary or exciting time, or where they lose something, some problem appears that they have to solve, or some challenge appears for them to deal with, and they go through various emotions in the course of the book. Ask her how she feels as the plot develops and how she feels at the end. Share your responses too.

Your aim here is to get her identifying her own feelings and becoming comfortable talking about them.

Thanks for starting this post. If if makes you feel any better my DD is the same.

Some good tips here that I'll use. I know they work but in the midst of it I sometimes forget and resort to throwing everything at her at once (not literally) which is confusing for her and frustrating for me.

Yes some really good points made here....
I've tried so much over the years to open up a bit more about if she's feeling down about something....
She rarely will talk openly about anything I ask her....
She has just gone into year 3 (juniors)..and it's as if she's matured over night...
She's woke up happy...
Gone to bed happy with absolutely no fuss whatsoever.....
I know this isn't going to last and obviously she will have off days...tired upset etc....
But as you've said...staying calm is the key to control....and yes I'm only human and have lost my temper the odd time....which it's when it's turned into a world war....
But iv felt better seeing such a difference....
I'm a lot chirpier around her and feel calmer myself...
And I said,iv been firmer but giving orders without being to harsh....
I was finding I was picking at everything lately...
But these past couple of weeks iv let her make her own choices...with a little guidance...
Before for instance I would say no yiur not having that for breakfast....
Ie she wanted a biscuit..
Whereas now il let her choose what she wants....and if she wants a biscuit then fine...
I also did the count down to bed....warning time right 30 mins until bed...
Then 15mins....
Due to 5 mins....
So plenty of time to prepare herself that it is bedtime and she has to go to sleep...
It's been lovely....
All children play up...of course they do...
But as the ad I've iv received...
It's down to mum and dad to stay calm and in control....
It's working so far thank goodness
Iv made many many mistakes the last 7 yrs...and I know parenthood is hard all the way through until they are adults...
But a little advice and understanding of my behaviour is helping me along this hard and lovely journey as a mummy