Do you speak exclusively in your own language?

[Sibongile]

We have a daughter of 11 months, my husband speaks English and I speak Afrikaans. He understands very little of it. All the books say that one parent should stick to one language, but I find that difficult because my husband then doesn't understand anything I say to our daughter. What are other people's experiences? Do children get confused when you mix languages? She already says about 6 words, but they are all words that are the same in both languages, like 'hello'.

PS. And another question, related to this one. Can I read to her in English, even if I speak to her in Afrikaans? I've always translated as I read, but now that we're moving on to story books rather than picture books, you lose a lot of the joy of reading when you're translating as you go. (And I think a lot of the joy of books for kids is learning all the words so they can anticipate exactly what's coming.) Afrikaans books are very hard to come by.

Hi Sibongile !

No experience of this as both DH and I have english as our first language, but I can't help feeling that using just the one language might 'alienate' the other parent a little, especially if the language you choose to use with your DD is Afrikaans and your DH has no real grasp of what is being said.

If you do want to use only the one language, then I would prob say use english as you seem to have a very good grasp of it and that way you will all have an idea of what is being said.

Like I said, I'm merely speculating as I have no knowledge of raising a bi-lingual child so I'll bog off now and leave it to the others ! . I'm pretty sure that Frenchgirl's DD is bi-lingual French/English.

Ohh, I also meant to say that I'm pretty sure that children under-5 are like little sponges for education, so this is the best time to introduce/use another language

Sibongile - I'd say "Yes, as much as possible" in answer to your question as to whether you should stick to your native language. I only speak English to my kids, and dh only Welsh. I understand your question about reading. Is it totally stupid of me to ask if it's possible to adapt the books to have a "lift the flap" part with Afrikaans written on it and the original English still visible (for dh to read) underneath? I do have some crazy ideas, and this might just be one of them! Btw, I can't follow always what gets said at the tea table when it's all in Welsh between dh and the kids, but they're very good at translating the gist of it for me!

I agree with TipTop, that's what we do in our family (English for me and a Chinese dialect for DH), He was worried about the reading issue but he reads in English, his dialect is not a written one so the issue does not arise.

I don't think kids get confused as such, but it does make it a lot easier for them and their own grasp of each language comes along in leaps and bounds if you each stick to your own.

I have got in to the habit of using odd phrases of Chinese very occasionally and DS1 thinks it's hilarious to hear me speak it, it is a VERY hard one to imitate.

Your DH will pick up the gist of what you are saying to DD and if he thinks about it I bet he knows quite a lot of words, that has happened for me, it's inevitable really.

HTH

I'm an English speaker, my husband is a Spanish speaker and we live in England. The way we aim to do it is this: I speak English when alone with the kids, Dh speaks Spanish to them, and when we're all together we're supposed to speak Spanish. This is because they hear English all day at nursery etc.

However, both dh and I speak both languages fluently so the reality is that we speak a jumble of lnaguages when we're all together. Ds1 (4) has never been confused by this and it looks as though ds2 (2) is going the same way. Ds1 has always been able to distinguish between the two languages and decide which to speak.

I think that you should just carry on speaking to your daughter in Afrikaans when you're alone with her, but speak English when you're with your husband. I don't think that will confuse her at all. I wouldn't like the idea of one person being left out of the conversation when you're together.

I know the problem with books - dh has this as well. We tend to read them in the language they are written so that means mainly English and then spend a fortune buying books in Spanish whenever we're in dh's country.

Stick to your language, otherway she may loose it. Dh speaks Catalan to DS, I do Spanish and he gets English from the nursery. So far he seems to understand everything in the three languages and from time to time come with new words in any of them, It's a bit difficult to de code the babbling (I didn't realise he had started trying English words until he said "good boy" , when I asked about it at the nursery they told me he said about 10 words I had not even noticed )

And the bobnus of sticking to your language is that your husband may also learn it soon.

try speaking Afrikaans when you are alone, and maybe say something in Afrikaans and then again in English when Dh is around and you have time. Is DH picking up Afrikaans ? This may be a way he can learn enough to get the gist of what your DD and you are saying to each other as she gets older.

I agree that all the books say each parent - native language.We stuck to this at the beginning but I did get many negative comments from m-in-l that she didn't like me speaking english when she was there as she couldn't understand a word, I stuck to my guns as did my husband (speaking greek )when my parents were visiting.Very quickly though when it was clear that they could differentiate between the 2 languages (I would say before 3 years) we became more flexible.Now its a horrible jumle of greek, english and gringlish in this house! Sari I spend an inordinate amount of money on books when I'm back in the UK !

Yes I do - I speak only English and only know a few expletives in Urdu

I try to speak only English to dd. It's easier for us as dp and I are both English (living in Spain), but can be a problem when we're out: dp will talk to her in Spanish if there are Spanish people around as he feels it's rude to talk in English all the time, but I don't as it does seem to confuse her a bit.

The only time I speak to her in Spanish is when I'm using a word that I know she knows in Spanish but not in English (I say the English, then the Spanish).

But I think the key thing is to be consistent about it: if you always speak Afrikaans when alone and English when your dh is around it should be OK. You may find that your dd doesn't become quite as fluent as she could if you do that though (speaking from the experience of friends).

Hi, I agree that you should stick to Afrikaans whenever you're alone with her, and speak mostly english when your dh is around. But maybe you could get him used to basic Afrikaans that you use with your dd (ie say it then translate into english for his benefit, and he should get used to some of the more common instructions and you'll get away with more Afrikaans then). ideally it should be one parent one language, but in practice it doesn't really work like that for many parents I know in bilingual situations, so do your best and she'll pick it up. As for books, I wouldn't go along translating because as you said, children enjoy anticipating what words come next, so the reading could become less exciting. You're going to have to find a way of getting your hands on more Afrikkans books (and lots of singing too!!).
I speak French to dd and dh speaks english to her, but sometimes I slip into english and it doesn't matter to her, she speaks both very well (although english has become dominant now) and only mixes them up if she can't think of the right word in whatever language she's using!

Just something to bear in mind: if parent(s) talk to their child in a different language than the one used in the country they are living in, it is advised that once out of the house, the child should be spoken to in the local language. Apparently, even very young children can become self-counsciouss about being different and they might end up refusing to use the other language all together.

I don't think that's particularly true Branster, after all, they will become self cocious anyway with their parents' foreign accent and looks.

I don't mind spaking English to DS in front of people who can only understand English, but restricting the parental language9(s) to the inside of the house would ring some horrible bells to DH who grew up during last years of Franco's dictatorship......

I like to think that I will be exotic and therefore cool, rather than foreign and weird....

It's not just for consistency that I speak English to dd though: I am rubbish at imperatives and am very aware that my accent in Spanish is not perfect - she doesn't seem to understand me in Spanish as well as she does in English.

branster, I disagree

dd is over 3 and we speak italian at home and I always speak italian to her and she does the same, but she will address anyone else in english (like a sales assistant in a shop) as she knows everyone speaks english here (she is always suprised that people in Italy all speak Italian and teh TV too!!!!)

As far as books are concerned, I started off by reading to her in whatever language the book was written, but now she asks us to read in Italian, she doesn'ts eem to mind if she gets slightly different versions of the same book each time.

I think the risk for you would be that she will not learn afrikaans well since you are the only person to use it and then you also read in english, reading is very important to learn new words. I would try to get books in afrikaans as much as possible if I were you. English will probably take over when she starts going to nursery/school so you need to work hard to keep her afrikaans up to scratch (if this is important to you).

Then obviously all children are different, but we used to worry about her not learning english, because it was italian all the time, but now we're starting to worry about keeping her italian alive and active!!!!

I wish dh would speak his own language to dd and ds!!! I woulnd't mind not understanding it all!!(And would hope to learn it anyway, my dad learned my mum's language at a late age so he could speak with my eldest sister who initially only spoke my mum's language) Too many benefits them learning two languages. I never stick to the exact words of the story books anyway (have even been told it is better not to stick to the words, something to do with stimulating their imaginagion or so, anyway ds didn't have the patients to wait). O, and I use a lot of my old "childhood" books that are in a different language anyway so have to translate it to English (not my native language). Was bought up bilangualy and always thought it odd to speak to my mum in the language of the country we lived in (so never really did).
Sorry to go on about it but have had many arguments with dh who just can not be bothered to speak in his own language to dd and dd but will do so to his friends and family.

Only partly true branster - depends a bit on their age I think.Mine have gone through stages of being embaressed at me speaking greek - bad grammer and at english -makes them feel different.Now all their friends like to try and speak english with me so its OK. I've even heard one mum say "go play at xxx's house then you'll hear some english"....!!

slight hijack alert

now we are living with MIL do you think it's a good idea to get her to speak family dialect and Mandarin to DSs or do you think that would overload their little brains (Mandarin being such a useful language, well the most spoken language in the world)

FWIW DS1 has never appeared self conscious under any circumstances when DH is talking to him outside, not too keen on him disco dancing though.

lailag - I had to smile when I read your post! Sort of snap! I'm lucky that dh would always speak in his native Welsh to our kids, but some other family members would only speak English, either a) because I didn't understand Welsh or b) because English was ds and dd's stongest language when they were toddlers. This was despite both of us asking them specifically to speak Welsh! Now the kids are fluent in both and we've proved that we weren't confusing them by bringing them up bi-lingually, they're happy to speak Welsh to them!

Suzywong the "books" would say for her to speak one of those - its a sort of one language per person thing from what I've read. Maybe it would all get confusing at home with a conversation taking place in 3 different languages.I am very pro learning languages from a native speaker though and think its a wonderful thing for children if the opportunity arises. One friend of mine has 3 children ages 11,9,3 and they speak english with mum, greek with dad and spanish with the live in help so 3 languages can be done, the spanish was introduced later (when no. 3 was born)

i speak only one, i am ignorant.

i think it is good you are teaching your child two different languages, it will help her

Suzywong, if Mandarin is MIL's native language I don't see why not, if her first language is the dialect you mentioned probably would be easier to stick to it, specially if they are spending so much time togethr (thinking it may be too much effort on your MIL and DS if it's not native to either one)

welli t's not her first but along with Cantones it's second nature ( for most Oriental older people)

It's actually a moot point because all DS1 says to here at the moment is 'Please be quiet' but I'll give it a go

Wow, what a response! Thanks for all the messages. I find it really encouraging to hear that there are some of you who mix languages with no ill effect. I know a few bilingual mums who are so committed to only speaking their native language to their children that they translate everything into English when dad's around - hard work, and by the time you've translated it no joke is funny anymore. So I think I'm going to stop feeling guilty about occasionally throwing in a bit of English!

I've read 'Raising Multilingual Children' by Tracey Tokuhama-Espinosa, but found it lacking in information on how to handle everyday situations, like what to do when dad doesn't understand mum's language, and the problem about which language to read in. (It sounds like I'm not the only person who needs to lug loads of children's books back from abroad!) Has anyone read any useful books on bilingualism and children?

suzywong, re introducing a third language: according to this book (which quotes a lot of studies) children are capable of absorbing as many languages as you like in the first years of their lives, provided each language comes from a separate source. The author talks about two 'windows of opportunity' for introducing languages - one from age 0-3, the next one (if I remember correctly) from age 5-11. Between the ages of 3 and 5, her argument goes, children are less receptive to new languages because they are in the process of perfecting the ones they already have.

Btw, I have maligned DH. He has picked up all the basic vocab and is learning fast. I think by the time DD is babbling away in Afrikaans, DH might be as well...