What do new parents argue over?

[Bea0001]

Hi,

I am very new to this; after being resolutley childfree the instinct to start a family has suddenly and unexpectedly kicked in. I have lots of questions, the one I would very much like your thoughts on at this stage is what are the key topics new parents argue over. I am hoping my husband and I will be able to get our views on these flash points agreed before the heat of the moment hits us (I recognise there may be a gulf between what we said we do and what we actually feel like doing at the time!) I look forward to your thoughts, and finding my way into what looks like a lovely community.

it always used to be the same with ds1.

he would be screaming.I would be stood in the lounge at night rocking him trying to get him to clam down. dh would come down from bedroom and say 'here let me have a go'
me:'why?? dont you think i can manage??'
DH: 'now i didn't say that did i?'
me: 'no but i bet you were thinking it?!'
DH: 'no i wasn't i just thought you might like a break'
me: 'no you are just trying to prove that you can do it and you don't need me'
dh: 'look i'm just trying to help'
me 'fine...here....(hands over ds) YOU go and MANAGE all by YOURSELF then' followed by me stomping off and going in later to find dh and ds fast asleep together on the sofa. Would feel that he managed to get ds to sleep but at the sight of them all cuddled up together!!

All the things already mentioned, but mostly that he wants sex and I just want to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. I'm sure that's what nursing bras are for: to make you so unattractive that your dh leaves you alone!

Competitive fatigue, yes!
Who is more tired? Who gets up the most times in the night? ('but you're bf, there's not much I can do') aagh! Who's got more to do the following day? (work vs being at home with the kids); the housework debate (easy to solve, though... just abandon it)

The fact that I have given birth to 2 of our children yet I seem to have 3 (HIM being one of them).

I would just once in a while like it if somebody asked me if I was ready, made sure that I had been to the toilet, brushed my hair, put the right shoes on etc. when we are leaving the house.

Money is a big one.

Family.

Babysitting.

You are both going to feel very insecure so sometimes you will be looking for an argument and put all your best efforts in to winning it. Just because . Not very mature but sometimes necessary, and hopefully you will end up laughing at how incredibly hard this parenting is, and why did anybody tell you .

We were lucky on the money front, and also had DH's wonderful, thoughtful, non-intrusive mother living over the road who would come over and take a small cranky baby off my hands, make me a cup of tea and send me to bed for a couple of hours in the afternoon.

So I had to be more creative about what I argued with DH about. Because lets face it, its just what you want to do. Because you are bone weary and think your life is destined to be like that for ever. And whose fault it is...?

One of my colleagues told me that when his second child was very young his wife had exploded as he shut the wardrobe door one night. He protested mildly that he did it like that every night. She apparently went purple and shouted "AND ITS F*ING ANNOYED ME EVERY NIGHT OF MY LIFE". Which made me laugh as I knoew exactly how she felt.

Actually IMO its better to argue about things like that, as it doesn't leave the lingering corrosive unpleasantness that arguments about your DH's family do.

that should be "why did nobody tell you how hard it was going to be". But I might add well worth it, and I would do it all again, just let me win the lottery first .

someone's bound to have said it but new parents bicker over everything

• when the baby should be sleeping
• how to get the baby to sleep
• who put the nappy on too tight
• who forgot the baby's hat on a sunny day
• who forgot the baby's hat on a cold day
• who is not carrying the baby properly
• who talks too loud to the baby and gets it over-stimulated

the list is pften endless and full of hte most ridiculous things you can imagine

I think his family caused the most arguments.
They are nce and generous etc etc but when you've justhad a baby 10 days ago you don't want the inlaws visitng for a week.

roflmao fio

Hi everyone,

It's the (newbie) source of the original question here. Just wanted to say thanks so much for sharing all these thoughts. They are more singular, though just as daunting, as I expected. So, my concerns about - well, a million things really - but arguments in this particular case have been well and truly confirmed!

Obviously we just need to become independently rich so as to be able to employ a night nurse/cleaner/cook ... ...

Thanks again for your wisdom, some of it hilariously put - even DH laughed at Barbamama's account.

B

Definitely competitive tiredness. When DS was 18 months old I went into hospital for five days, leaving DS with DP. You know what? I was desperate for the general anesthetic because I knew that once the fentanyl had hit the bloodstream, no-one but no-one would be able to disturb me. On the third day, DP came in and said to me, in tones of genuine surprise, "have you ever been so tired that you felt physically sick?" to which I could only say "yes, darling, every day for the last year and a half".

Hi Bea - glad I made you laugh - even we can laugh about it now 2 and a half years later though it was touch and go there for a while. In fact, we are just about to do it again so it can't have been that bad. Seriously though, if your husband/partner hasn't been around babies much before teach him the names of all the bits of kit beforehand and work out how they all work as this used to really bug me! To be fair, he is fantastic now and does at least 50% of childcare/housework if not more - it was a steep learning curve though bless him.

Oh and don't underestimate how hard the first few months are, mainly due to the sleep deprivation - it really is all worth it though and gets much easier (comparatively)!

Who is the more tired
Who had a lie-in last
Who works the hardest
Who is the more tired
Repeat
So we're the same as everyone else.
I think that I deserve the more rest as DH has had an exhausting DD for 9 months, but I've had her knackering me out for twice that (not a good pregnancy). Funnily enough, he doesn't see it like that....

Bea0001 - read "babyproofing your marriage" book - we both read it before sprogging up and it has helped us avoid rowing.

Also how much do you row now, if you row loads now then you'll row more when a baby comes along. If you usually agree now then hopefully you'll be able to talk when the baby comes.......I think the baby makes the existing situ more so.