That was easier to find than I thought - didn't know MN has a very convenient search function :D
Here we go, hope there is something useful for you .....
The main reasons kids act up are these:
- Independence
- Way of communication
- Overwhelmed
- Attention
- Boundaries
- Something is wrong
- Overstimulation
- Too little exercise/too much energy
ad 1: Toddlers want to be independent, they want to do things by themselves. Let your son do and choose as much by himself, as possible. If a toddler is allowed independence and choice, he will easier accept when he does NOT have a choice.
Think about how much your son does by himself or at least help you with and contemplate whether he could be allowed to do/help more. Even encourage him to try and do things by himself.
ad 2: If you want something from your toddler, clear and precise communication is important. We've been taught that it's polite to ASK, if we want someone to do something. However, with small children that's just counterproductive, since you give them the impression of choice, when they actually don't have one. This just leads to frustration on both sides. So if your son has to do something, don't ask him, TELL him. Like instead of "Would you please hold my hand while crossing the street?" say "We are crossing the street. Please hold my hand!"
Also, avoid the word "not". This is an abstract word which changes the meaning of a sentence into the complete opposite and which kids need time to understand. Also, it's much easier for a child to follow an instruction, compared to being told what NOT to do and then having to think of what to do instead. Example: Instead of "Don't run off!" say "Stay by my side!"
And make the instructions short and clear. No lenghty explanations in a situation in which you simply want your child to do, what he's being told. There is time for these, when everything is nice and calm.
When you give your son instructions, also make sure you have his attention. If he doesn't listen, when you tell him to do something, say his name a few times until he looks at you, or hold him and go down to his level and tell him once he looks at you.
ad 3: Don't give too many choices. Yes, he should be allowed to decide many things for himself, but choosing between 10 T-Shirts or 5 possible activities might be too much. 2 options are often sufficient to satisfy a toddler's need for independence and don't overwhelm them.
Don't give too many instructions at once either. One at a time is enough at this age.
ad 4: Try to give your kids positive attention. Play with them, when they are calm, read to them, etc. There will be less reason to get your attention by acting up, if they also get it when they behave nicely.
If you give them enough attention during their good times, try to not reward bad behaviour with attention if it isn't necessary.
ad 5: A child is testing, that's normal and healthy. They need to know where their boundaries are, what behaviour is acceptable, what's possible and what's not. Which means you have to think about your personal boundaries and be consistent. If something is not acceptable to you, don't give in because your son gets too annoying. You wouldn't give in with other boundaries, like running onto the strees either, would you? If you give in, your child learns that this boundary actually isn't there and he will keep on testing, because he needs to find it. Also it teaches him that your words are not to be takes seriously and that he just needs to pester you long and hard enough to get what he wants.
The consequences if overstepping boundaries should also be clear and logical. Time-outs are mostly not, since they have nothing to do with the offence ... unless the child is overy agitated and actually needs to calm down. Try to think of logical consequences, like having him clean up if he throws food on the floor on purpose. Taking a toy away from him, if he hits someone with it.
ad 6: Bad behaviour can also be caused by problems - like stress because the parents are fighting, or the grandmum died or anything that is troubling him. Also YOU being stressed often leads to bad behaviour. I know it is hard if you're exhausted and annoyed, but try to be as calm and positive as possible when around your son. He "smells" your stress and this will make him act up even more. Start by doing something nice with him, when his sister is at school - that also covers the attention part.
ad 7: Turn off the TV, PC, tablet, smartphone, radio etc. Noisy toys might unfortunately break one after the other (= take out the batteries). Create a calm environment with toys and activities that require him to concentrate, instead of winding him up.
ad 8: Make sure your son gets to move a lot - playgrounds, parks, meadows, woods, swimming pools. Also at home. Even if you have a small place, he can at least dance at home. Preferably while you both sing yourself. Either just free dancing to any song, or some of those many kids' songs with particular movements (Hokey Cokey etc.). Depending on the space you can also have a mat to play/exercise on (IKEA has a nice foldable one), use the stairs (e. g. jumping up the stairs), have a hoolahoop, big gymnastic ball, indoor climbing wall, swing and/or rope.