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Original poster

Hurtful Brother-in-law

29 replies

marytheresa · 02/08/2019 01:01

I was just wanting some opinion on the situation I am in at the moment. I am staying with my sister and brother-in-law in Scotland at the moment for a holiday. The last time we stayed here was 2 years ago. We are into a 10 days of a 14 day stay. They both have been kind to the 3 children DD(13.5), DS (10)and (DS 7). My husband is staying at home and we are going on a family holiday later this month. My sister has no children and is 25+ years married. So I think it must be enormous for them to have four extra people invade their home when they are used to the opposite. So I am very very grateful. But they have made comments about my parenting skills which have made me cry on two occasions since I have been here. They say that I am too soft and my B-in-law has a habit of kind of saying the same thing over and over again, so that it sound s bit like a rant. It got to a point the other day I just stood up, went upstairs and cried into my pillow. My youngest left the tap running in the toilet today and it caused the ceiling in their kitchen to sag a bit and the paint and plaster came away in a small area. The youngest had got on well with my B-in law playing game together etc and Brother-in-law took the news about the ceiling really well. ( I have offered to pay for the damage). But tonight he started another rant about how the youngest need more discipline and boundaries etc.He then rounded off his critique by saying that the youngest will be a problem when he is older and that there is something wrong with him. Just to add my DS (2) was sitting with us at the time. I said something like 'Oh we should make a note of that and revisit in 10 years time' . The youngest then came and sat with us and was being lovely to my brother-in-law. I just felt awful and again took myself off to cry. DS (3) can be challenging as he is very loud and gets angry and shouts if he can't get a word in. He swears too sometimes. Which I know is unacceptable and he does get privileges removed if he does so. He is very bright and had a good behavioural report from school. My sister and Brother-in-law have been do kind but making comments about the teenager staying in her room and my B-in-law telling my DS(2) to take off an ankle bracelet he was wearing is confusing and disappointing to me. Saying hurtful comments when there is no professional training or expertise to back them up is a bit much to take. My B-in-law has no friends and my sister had no girlfriends. But they seem happy together. I think they are just happy with each other. What upsets me most is that on the 5 hour train journey from London we talked occasionally to an elderly couple who interacted with the children and as we were getting off they complimented me on how sociable and delightful the children were.

OP posts:
Weskit · 02/08/2019 01:06

Honestly, a fortnight is far too long to bring four extra people, including a teenager and two young children, one of whom flooded the bathroom and is noisy and sweary, into someone’s home. It doesn’t sound like a holiday for anyone.

DCICarolJordan · 02/08/2019 01:13

To be fair, I’d be most unimpressed if a 7 year old flooded my bathroom and did damage. You say he also shouts and swears when he can’t get a word in? I don’t necessarily think your BIL should have said anything but it also doesn’t sound like he’s wrong.

Weskit · 02/08/2019 01:20

Yes, you’re minimising the kitchen ceiling! Our upstairs neighbour let his bath overflow years ago when we lived in a flat and even though our living room ceiling initially only sagged a bit too, a large patch in fact crashed down the day after and we had to have a deafening dehumidifier running in there 24/7 for a week or more before replastering could start. It ended up being a huge deal, and the inconvenience was far worse than the cost, which was covered by insurance.

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RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 02/08/2019 01:25

OMG! Your child broke their house!!!!

I know it was an accident, but your child broke their house!!!!

Not surprised you haven't seen them for 2 years. They probably need that long to afford the repairs after you go.

#TeamBIL

CrotchetyQuaver · 02/08/2019 01:27

14 days was too long to stay, 5 days would probably have been ideal. I would be unhappy with the water damage too.

DeRigueurMortis · 02/08/2019 01:28

To echo a pp - 2 weeks is a long time to spend as a guest.

I can't help feel that everyone is probably gritting their teeth as far as possible to get through it.

I'm sure your children are "generally" lovely but flooding a bathroom and ongoing swearing would have more than pushed my buttons (and sorry but unless I'm missing something re: SN DC3's behaviour is unacceptable in any context and your BIL may well have a point unless you get a grip on his needs/behaviour).

Don't offer to pay for the damage as a start - just pay for it. If necessary leave the cash to do so in an envelope that they find when you've left.

You're the parent here. Stop sobbing in the bedroom and actually deal with the issues at hand (which doesn't from what you've posted seem to be your sister or her husband).

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 02/08/2019 01:35

You need to put a bucket and sheets underneath the bulging ceiling and poke a hole in it now. This will let out the water without the whole ceiling collapsing. The whole ceiling will collapse if it’s left.

This is a big job to fix.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/08/2019 01:38

Everyone is a perfect parent when they don't have kids.

Everyone is right that is was a terrible idea to stay for that long and a swearing, house flooding 7 yo isn't the most fantastic house guest!

EileenAlanna · 02/08/2019 01:52

Dear god your youngest sounds a right monster. Your BIL is right, you're not parenting well & should buck up your ideas, And pay for the damage your son caused - by 7 he should know how & why to turn off a tap ffs.

confusedat30 · 02/08/2019 01:55

The way I see it is that your are not a guest! She is your sister. You are family. I take my 3 young children to see my sister and her partner all the time (ages are 8,5 and 2) and they live in a tiny 2 bed flat in London. I would never outstay my welcome as it is my home as much as it is hers just like when they come to stay with us. And they love their nieces and nephew and would forgive them anything but of course will step in to discipline if they see fit which is fine with me as it takes a village and all that. They would never be horrible to them though. YANBU imho. Family is family and you may squabble but they should be so pleased to see you all after so long xx

AllyBamma · 02/08/2019 01:55

Oh gosh, yeah I’m afraid I agree with PP. it sounds like you’re trying to write off the bathroom damage as not a big deal but if the ceiling downstairs is sagging then there’s major damage done, and while it sounds like your BIL could have perhaps been a bit more diplomatic, really a 7 year old should know well enough to not leave a tap running.

2 weeks is way too long to stay, particularly as by your own admission your DS can be difficult. You mention your sister and BIL don’t have friends. I’m not sure of the relevance of that statement but you also say they’re happy together which makes me think that they probably just enjoy spending time with each other alone, in their home, their sanctuary which has been rather disrupted and now damaged. It sounds like they are very frustrated with the situation and your BIL (rightly or wrongly) is expressing that in his own way.

Is there any way you can head home early? Sounds like it would be the best option for all involved.

Blablaa · 02/08/2019 02:05

Is this a reverse? Surely you’re not that blase about the damage your child has caused to their home irl? No wonder they are making comments, I’m surprised that’s all they’re doing!! Agree you are minimising your children’s bad behaviour and you need to be the one to sort it out ASAP.

lboogy · 02/08/2019 02:11

I'm sorry OP but understand from your sister and BILs perspectives. They have no children so have no reference point for how children behave. They are used to a quiet life and along come your kids making noise ( as children do) being forgetful of manners and forgetful of turning off taps causing damage . Not to mention swearing.

Of course they are going to say something. Your sister probably feels the same way as your BIL except she's more tactful. But no one should have to be tactful when your kids have caused damage and are swearing.

As others have said 2 weeks is too long to have kids stay with a couple without kids. I'd cut the visit short tbh. Especially as it's clear you can't take criticism of your parenting

I'm sure your kids are lovely, but what you put up with from them is not what someone who isn't intimately familiar with them would.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2019 02:17

A 7 year old should know better than to leave a tap running. FGS. I'd be furious too if I were them. Your son has caused major damage to their home.

movingontosomethingnew · 02/08/2019 02:18

You need to stop crying into your pillow and deal with your kids.

To be honest, I would cut the visit short and leave money for the repair or the excess for the insurance.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/08/2019 02:22

You need to stop crying into your pillow and deal with your kids.

Exactly. Stop with the waterworks and mind your children.

Sobeyondthehills · 02/08/2019 02:41

My sister loves my son like he is her own and she loves me dearly, at her place he gets 3 days at the maximum.

I agree with PP the ceiling sagging is a massive problem and you seem to think its a small thing.

Alislia17 · 02/08/2019 02:41

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Bookworm4 · 02/08/2019 02:44

Fuck that, I’d be packing your bags for you. You said 3 kids then DS2 DS3??
A 7 yr old who throws swearing tantrums and doesn’t know to turn a tap off and you’re the one crying? Get a grip and sort out your brat of a child, your Bils prediction could well be right!

chickenyhead · 02/08/2019 02:44

Talking to strangers on a train and living in someone's house and personal space for 2 weeks are vastly different scenarios OP, so I am surprised that this affects you so much.

I do think family is family and thus 2 weeks is ok, but by return i also think that they have the right to an opinion.

Can you see no truth in what they are saying about DC3? HOWEVER, THIS SAID....DC1 sounds like a totally normal teen and who cares if DC2 wears an ankle bracelet? Seems a bit offish.

But OP crying wont fix things. Maybe have an open minded one to one with your sister. Just because they dont have children and you dont know their friends (they will have some, maybe they just dont tell u about them) doesn't mean that they live in seclusion and aren't entitled to an opinion as people who love you all.

Bookworm4 · 02/08/2019 02:51

Also stop excusing your child’s awful behaviour because ‘he’s bright and got a good report’, what mother goes off to cry into her pillow a few times a day? Grow up and sort these kids out.

Alislia17 · 02/08/2019 02:51

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kalinkafoxtrot45 · 02/08/2019 03:00

I’m not sure if there is something else going on with you, but your 7 year old is old enough not to leave taps running and to control his language. He caused major damage to their home. Instead of crying, you need to be managing this kid’s behaviour. You do sound a bit soft. Time to go home I think.

Femodene · 02/08/2019 12:27

You should all go home, this is not a holiday, it’s a home invasion. Your kid has repeatedly demonstrated that he needs constant supervision, someone needs to be with him at all times, including in what’s left of the bathroom. Get the homeowners to get a quote on repairing their ceiling while you are still there, so you can pay. Who is supervising your kids when you’re repeatedly crying into your pillow? Can you save the weeping till you get home?

CamdenLoaf · 02/08/2019 12:53

You said 3 kids then DS2 DS3??

@Bookworm4, I think those numbers are birth order, not age as in, there are no 'extra' children there is a thirteen year old, a ten year old and a seven year old.