Hardly anybody RSVP'd to invite daughter's birthday party

[Patty79]

I'm having a birthday party a week today for my daughter's 6th birthday. I've invited all her class, 19 in total. The invites were sent out on 21st June as we went on holiday the following day and the kids weren't at school for the last two weeks before start of the summer holidays (we live in Scotland). I stated on invites to RSVP by today 28th and so far I've had 3 coming and 2 not able to make it. I understand that it's the summer hols etc but it frustrates me that people don't reply. I've resorted to inviting some of her big sisters friends to make up some numbers. I've booked an inflatable assault course at local leisure centre and arranged for local cafe to do a kids buffet. I've ordered sweetie scones and big bubble wands today as favours and I've ordered extra incase some kids turn up who's parents haven't bothered to reply. I thought at one point about cancelling the party but it would break my wee girls heart. I've been tempted to put a vent on Facebook about parents not replying. I texted one of the school mums yesterday asking if she knew some of those who hadn't replied and if she could get in touch with them which she has done but still no replies. What's everyone's thoughts on this and what is the current etiquette with parties? I've only ever had one party before for my eldest six years ago and had a couple of kids turn up who's parents hadn't replied. Do people just not bother to reply then turn up?

OP, I agree, it’s rubbish and so rude. DD1 has an August birthday and we learnt very quickly to have the party in either July (before school finished) or September. The last one we actually did on her birthday was when she was about 6, invited the whole class but only got 9 replies. I think in the summer holidays people wait to see what the weather’s like etc and just assume they can come if they feel like it

I was dreading that party to be honest, we had a big sports hall hired with bouncy castle and games etc and I was worried about how empty it would look and how disappointed DD would be. In the end it rained that weekend and we ended up with nearly 30 kids turning up (no warning!). DH had to run across to Tesco to get spare party bag supplies and a bigger cake but at least DD was happy

Dd’s Friend is the end of August , her mum insisted on having a party on her birthday and obviously no one was around. They’re now year 6 and the mum has just figured to have the party the week before they break up. Christmas/new year and August birthdays are difficult.

Unless the child was a close friend there is absolutely no way I would remember an invite that far in advance and would be unlikely to know if I was free to reply straight away. I do think it's more common for people to not feel they have time for huge class parties these days so perhaps you need to lower your sights a bit, you've booked a very ambitious party. Something simpler could be just as much fun.

If it helps, at that age the lack of replies will be NOTHING to do with how popular your daughter is!

Still really annoying I know.
I think that if her main friends are there, she will have a fab party and probably won't care to much about the numbers, but obviously try to avoid her picking up on the fact that you care about it!
Like you say, quality over quantity!
Xxx

I have my birthday in the summer holidays, I only had one or two parties as a child because it was never worth having one only for everyone to say they were on holiday!
I'm actually having a pub gathering this year and still had the majority of invitees saying they can't make it. Not sure why I bothered!

Your DD will be fine, OP, I'm sure. She just needs people to sing happy birthday and make a bit of a fuss of her. I hope she has a good day!

Thank you squishysquirmy, your lovely comment means alot, nice to know there are some people on same wave length as me x

{The not replying} it's a sign of the times.

I also think a big factor is that some people now invite the whole class. My dc invited their friends and were invited to parties by their friends. You knew it made a difference (to the birthday child) if you were there or not. If the birthday child is inviting 29 children, then it matters far less if you are able to go or not.
Plus, of course, as a pp said, rather than being invited to about 6 paties, and them being a little bit 'special' , you could end up being invited to a couple of dozen, and, if it isn't a particaulrly close friend, then you aren't going to put off doing something else you want to do for 'yet another party'.

OP No-one on this thread has been nasty or unhelpful - they have let you know how things are - presumably what you came on here to ask about.

It does feel cutting/personal when you post about your situation and then people reply with ‘how it is’. I’ve posted a few times on here and found that to be the case, for me anyway. I have learnt the hard way, and now I just read other people’s posts as I’m far too sensitive to have my life put up like that. (I even contacted the admin one time and asked them to remove a whole thread! 😂).

It’s just the way of things tho / how mums net works, and it isn’t personal.

My tip on it is, you’d be amazed at how many times the same problems come up in parenting, so a quick google search with the term ‘mumsnet’ after it often brings up a discussion or two that you’re after (minus having to post personally and so minus the feelings of woundedness -win win!)

I’m glad it’s seems to be the norm to actually reply at my kids school. I always reply with yes or no ASAP.
My dd received an invitation for the end of the summer holidays. It had the date on it but no further details and said to reply for further info.
I thought that was a good idea as you’d have no idea where the party is if you don’t rsvp.

I don't understand why people won't commit in advance.

If we receive an invite for dd I read the invite, check the calendar if it's empty i Rsvp dd will be attending and ask for gift ideas on the day I receive it.

If I check the calendar and we have prior commitments then I text and decline but send token gift and card for the child.

I don't think it's complicated

@Nicpem1982

I don't understand why people won't commit in advance.

Because if we're being totally honest parties come around all the time and one that's of someone your child doesn't actually know very well is rarely that high on somebody's priority list. That far in advance and especially in the holidays there might be an event that's only on that weekend that I would rather go to, family might want want to come and visit, or invite us away somewhere. Plus my partner travels for work so we're often all over the country with short notice. I wouldn't want to be in a position where I would need to cancel if any of those things came up, so I would just leave it until I knew for sure.

I know it sounds harsh to think other parents aren't bothered about your party or even see it as a bit of a nuisance, but that is just the honest reality.

@AE18 in those circumstances where people are basically waiting for a better offer/can't confirm their circumstances they should have the decency to decline by the Rsvp date where there's one specified so at least the family know

@Nicpem1982

in those circumstances where people are basically waiting for a better offer/can't confirm their circumstances they should have the decency to decline by the Rsvp date where there's one specified so at least the family know

Well I don't think anyone actually owes you that communication, you approached them, after all, you can't really demand they take the time out of their day. I agree it's polite to do so and it would be rude to not RSVP and then still show up, but no answer should really be answer enough.

The answer might not be no, though, they just don't know yet and I would imagine with over a month to spare most people simply forgot about it when the time came.

*@AE18

Well I don't think anyone actually owes you that communication, you approached them, after all, you can't really demand they take the time out of their day. I agree it's polite to do so and it would be rude to not RSVP and then still show up, but no answer should really be answer enough. *

That attitude is just incredible its such bad manners not to take 2 mins to reply either way. I hope with an attitude like that you never find yourself having to arrange a party of any kind

@Nicpem1982

That attitude is just incredible its such bad manners not to take 2 mins to reply either way. I hope with an attitude like that you never find yourself having to arrange a party of any kind

Alright calm down, I'm just being honest. I said it would be polite to reply and obviously if you plan on having a party yourself you should be the kind of guest you would want to attend yours, but the fact is someone might have absolutely 0 interest in interacting with school people during home time and that's their choice, just because someone asks doesn't mean you have an obligation to answer when you didn't instigate that communication. It would just be polite to do so. Like I said, I would never dream of not responding to a party invite and then showing up anyway because that IS rude, so if I didn't reply I would just assume they knew I wasn't coming. The problem is people who show up anyway or RSVP late and think that won't be an inconvenience.

Not responding at all is plain rude regardless of whether you turn up unannounced or not.

If u asked a friend to meet for a coffee or lunch and they didn't reply you'd just think that's OK as they're unable to meet? And you'd be totally OK with that as you instigated the communication and they don't owe you a response

Had no issues with school holiday parties. DS's bday is end of August. Gave out invites in July, and then followed up with fb/WhatsApp group to remind people closer to the time. Think you need to try and ask people directly.

@Nicpem1982

*Not responding at all is plain rude regardless of whether you turn up unannounced or not.

If u asked a friend to meet for a coffee or lunch and they didn't reply you'd just think that's OK as they're unable to meet? And you'd be totally OK with that as you instigated the communication and they don't owe you a response* 

A bit different as there is an established relationship there, but if it transpired they were busy, didn't see my message or forgot to reply next time we spoke then no I would not be deeply offended.

Unless the parent is someone you have spoken to before and established a back and forth with, it would be more comparable to ask if I asked a stranger in the street if they wanted to go for a coffee and they blanked me, would I be offended. And no, I wouldn't think they owed me a response, I'd just think "ok they clearly don't want to talk to a stranger". Like I said, the politest thing to do would be to reply, but I don't think anyone HAS to reply to a stranger who instigates a conversation. Some people don't like talking to people they don't know. Introverts exist. Misanthropes exist. Socially anxious people exist.

The relationship is between your child and theirs your responding on your child behalf or at least you should be.

@Nicpem1982

The relationship is between your child and theirs your responding on your child behalf or at least you should be.

Yes, that's why I specified if the child does not have a relationship with the other child and it is just a whole class invite.

drogosnextwife that comes across as very rude of you. There is no excuse for forgetting invitations, there are so many ways to remember things. Clearly your method of sticking things on the fridge doesn't work so you need to set up an online diary or reminder system on a phone or a PC, or buy a paper family diary if you are really technically incompetent.

Do you forget doctors appointments, dentists appointments, hair dressers, meet ups with your friends as well? I am willing to bet you don't and your rude and casual attitude is reserved for your children's friends and social life.

Yes, that's why I specified if the child does not have a relationship with the other child and it is just a whole class invite.

How do u know if its a whole class invite? And why would that matter? who else has been invited is irrelevant your child has been invited you should respond on their behalf it's 2 seconds to send a text.

You're trying to justify rudeness. The hosts have invited your child to an event they're probably going to enjoy, if you don't feel they're going to enjoy what ever host family have planned then graciously decline.

All this well they instigated contact they're not entitled to a response is nonsense it's basic decency to respond

@Nicpem1982

*How do u know if its a whole class invite? And why would that matter? who else has been invited is irrelevant your child has been invited you should respond on their behalf it's 2 seconds to send a text.

You're trying to justify rudeness. The hosts have invited your child to an event they're probably going to enjoy, if you don't feel they're going to enjoy what ever host family have planned then graciously decline.

All this well they instigated contact they're not entitled to a response is nonsense it's basic decency to respond*

Do you really need to be this focused on one aspect of what I said? I mentioned that they don't owe anyone a response, though repeatedly saying the politest thing to do would be to respond, because I don't think strangers should HAVE to talk to someone if they don't want to. Like people who try to hand you a leaflet in the street, it's polite to say "no thank you" but some people are busy and don't fancy talking to someone. It's just life. The main reason people don't respond is more than likely that they completely forgot, because they have a lot on and an invite from a stranger to something they were ambivalent towards attending probably escaped their minds if they were busy.

I know it's a whole class invite because she said so in the original post.

@AE18

Everyone has lots on common courtesy costs nothing it's no excuse for rudeness

I've always had this issue as my birthday is in the summer holidays too. My parents would have a party for me before school finished and most of my friends were able to come. DS1's birthday is Christmas Eve so his party is always in January.