Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

AIBU about in-laws contact with DS

46 replies

Kiki92 · 27/07/2019 08:43

Okay, so my partner walked out on my DS (15 months) and I. He just got up, packed a bag, and left, with absolutely no warning. I knew he was struggling with fatherhood, but I didn't think things were this bad. I've tried to talk things though with him, but it's done. He's not coming back. He doesn't want anything to do with our DS.

3 months have passed. I'm okay. Financially it's a bit tricky, but I'm coping... A new problem has arisen with my inlaws however.

Both my ex-partners parents are divorced and remarried, but both have become awfully frosty with me since my ex left, (lots of snarky comments here and there). They see DS every other weekend. FIL one Saturday, MIL the next Saturday, and so on.. I'm happy with that to continue, obviously. It's important for DS to know his family, regardless of his father's absence... This suddenly hasn't become enough though.

They've clearly been chatting amongst themselves and arranged for FIL to see DS every Sunday, and MIL every Saturday. I said no to this, mainly because it means that I'd no longer have the opportunity to see my own family, and my mum watches my son for two hours on a Sunday, so that I can have a bubble bath and do my nails... It doesn't sound like much, but I need that..

Apparently that makes me selfish. Apparently that means I'm not putting my son first. Apparently every other weekend is now not enough. Neither set of ex-inlaws offer me any actual help. They won't watch DS for me for an hour or so as my mum does. During visits they require me to there to step in if DS cries, etc etc. I don't mind this, that's fine, but not both days every weekend.

AIBU? I'm so tired that I can't even tell.

OP posts:
Rhynswynd · 27/07/2019 08:45

Yabu obviously. You have been hugely accommodating considering how their shit son has behaved.

YouNeedToCalmDown · 27/07/2019 08:46

You are being completely reasonable and they are completly AWFUL.

Back off from them. They are being far too demanding, when they should be doing all they can to support you.

newmomof1 · 27/07/2019 08:48

They wouldn't get that much contact if you were still with their son!

You are not being unreasonable - you've been more than reasonable. They need to respect your decision.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
tiktok · 27/07/2019 08:48

No you’re not being unreasonable at all. The worrying thing here is how unpleasant your ex in laws are being to you. Calling you selfish and making demands like this isn’t what kind, supportive people do. Strikes me your current arrangement is just fine. Stick to your guns 😀

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 27/07/2019 08:48

I’m sorry you’re in this situation but actually you’re offering a lovely amount of contact that suits you. If they demand any further I’d remind them that you are offering enough of your time, especially given I’m assuming you work in the week.

You could say that they both need to turn up on the same day, or meet you somewhere like a cafe or soft play to limit the time you give them. Or if you trust them ask them to take him to an activity?

Beechview · 27/07/2019 08:50

They sound awful. I think what you’ve set up is absolutely fine. Not many kids see their grandparents that often.
You do what suits you too.

CarrieBlu · 27/07/2019 08:52

You’re being far more generous with your weekend time already than most people would be. Especially as they can’t be bothered to be nice to you. I’d be distancing myself personally. Take away the current routine and don’t allow a new one to develop. They should come when you invite them, when it’s convenient for you and your son.

TheABC · 27/07/2019 08:53

They only get what you give them. I would actually gently reduce contact as you don't want them to build a case for grandparents constant contact and get it set in stone with a court order.

I hope you have CMS set up for DS from your partner.

EsmeeMerlin · 27/07/2019 08:53

They are already getting more contact than you would expect under the circumstances. Just say no and if they get abusive calling you names, say you won’t continue the conversation any more and put the phone down. Step back from the.

stilldontgiveaf · 27/07/2019 08:54

They've arranged it amongst themselves?

Maybe they should put the energy of having digs at you into their pathetic excuse of a son and sorting him out.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 27/07/2019 08:55

I would be tempted to reduce their contact to one afternoon or morning a month. Especially if you are planning on going back to work you will not want to spend so much weekend time with them. If they make unpleasant comments then ask them to leave and tell them why. As a parent, especially a single parent it is vital that you make sure you are looked after first.

Make sure you are claiming child maintenance.

greathat · 27/07/2019 09:00

I'd be reducing contact too! They have no rights to their grandchild and if they can't be civil I'd wonder what they were saying behind your back

Pineapplefish · 27/07/2019 09:06

You are not being unreasonable at all and it's now obvious where your ex's selfish behaviour comes from. Be strong OP Flowers

brassbrass · 27/07/2019 09:12

This

would actually gently reduce contact as you don't want them to build a case for grandparents constant contact
And this

They should come when you invite them, when it’s convenient for you and your son.

Isatis · 27/07/2019 09:21

This doesn't make you in the least selfish. You are 100% not required to give up every weekend at their beck and call.

These are the people who raised a man who isn't capable of parenting his own child, so they're hardly in a position to make judgments on you.

Cobblersandhogwash · 27/07/2019 09:21

I'd reduce contact.

What do you think they'll be saying to your ds about you as he gets older?

WhatTheAbsoluteFuck · 27/07/2019 09:25

I’d reduce their contact due to their shitty attitude. Their DS has abandoned his child for fucks sake. They don’t own your child, they have no right to chat between themselves and decide when they’ll be seeing your child, he’s YOUR CHILD.

And get on the phone to CMS

Yogurtcoveredricecake · 27/07/2019 09:33

Agree with PP. Reduce contact or tell them to arrange it via their son. They have no rights and it's not your problem their son is a waste of space.

You sound like a great mum.

Original poster
Kiki92 · 27/07/2019 09:39

Thank you, everyone. It's nice to know that my suspicions were correct. 💖💖💕

As far as CMS goes, I've been told that payment is a no-go. My ex-partner quit his after leaving and is now on benefits.

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 27/07/2019 09:42

Tell them, thanks for bringing it up, you were reassessing what contact was best for YOUR son too and have decided fixed every Saturday contact is not working, is unsettling and you will let them know when it is convenient for you/him to see him.

Break the routine and expectation they have that they can demand time with your son. Have some weekends where you can just relax and enjoy being with your son instead of taking him between grandparents. These preschool years pass so quickly, don't miss them.

newmomof1 · 27/07/2019 09:45

@Kiki92 they can still take money out of his benefits.
It may only be £20 a month but it's something.

EL2019 · 27/07/2019 09:51

I think they’re building a case for grandparents rights. “We practically raised him”.

Tell them they can see your son during his father’s contact time.

WhatTheAbsoluteFuck · 27/07/2019 09:52

Yes they will take money from his benefits. Also, it means when he does get a job, they can take it from his wages too.

EL2019 · 27/07/2019 09:52

And I know he doesn’t have him, so that will be until he pulls his finger out. I.e never.

avocadotofu · 27/07/2019 09:56

You're being more than reasonable. I think if I were in your position I wouldn't be seeing my ex-in-laws nearly as much.