AIBU about in-laws contact with DS

[Kiki92]

Okay, so my partner walked out on my DS (15 months) and I. He just got up, packed a bag, and left, with absolutely no warning. I knew he was struggling with fatherhood, but I didn't think things were this bad. I've tried to talk things though with him, but it's done. He's not coming back. He doesn't want anything to do with our DS.

3 months have passed. I'm okay. Financially it's a bit tricky, but I'm coping... A new problem has arisen with my inlaws however.

Both my ex-partners parents are divorced and remarried, but both have become awfully frosty with me since my ex left, (lots of snarky comments here and there). They see DS every other weekend. FIL one Saturday, MIL the next Saturday, and so on.. I'm happy with that to continue, obviously. It's important for DS to know his family, regardless of his father's absence... This suddenly hasn't become enough though.

They've clearly been chatting amongst themselves and arranged for FIL to see DS every Sunday, and MIL every Saturday. I said no to this, mainly because it means that I'd no longer have the opportunity to see my own family, and my mum watches my son for two hours on a Sunday, so that I can have a bubble bath and do my nails... It doesn't sound like much, but I need that..

Apparently that makes me selfish. Apparently that means I'm not putting my son first. Apparently every other weekend is now not enough. Neither set of ex-inlaws offer me any actual help. They won't watch DS for me for an hour or so as my mum does. During visits they require me to there to step in if DS cries, etc etc. I don't mind this, that's fine, but not both days every weekend.

AIBU? I'm so tired that I can't even tell.

Text ‘my son is no longer available every weekend, you are welcome to see him when he has contact with your son.’ Reply one time only to inevitable frothing rage with ‘you can make arrangements with your son. Please stop contacting me now, thanks.’

Nip this in the bud now. Get a CMS claim in, you'll only get £5 but it's the principal. Stop letting these people dictate and so build up a history of access. It won't be easy but take control and stop the access.

Sorry you are in this situation OP. Dickishness is clearly inherited in this case.

You have been more than fair so far - I’m married and don’t see my in-laws this much. The way they are speaking to you is totally unacceptable. It’s great that you are facilitating contact, but I’d cut it down to once every 3-4 weeks or you’re setting a precedent that you may not be able to maintain longer term, particularly if their behaviour continues in this way. Put yourself and your child first and only then consider them.

Really really important to make that maintenance claim. He won’t always be on benefits, surely, and you need to start the ball rolling. Do it Monday 😀

Back away and take your ds with you. Before they are demanding unsupervised access and claiming gp's rights. Which don't exist unless they can show they have been a constant regulars with overnights /helping you bring him up - they will up their demands unless you kick it down now. And you don't need the hassle. They raised a twat remember, your ds doesn't need their influence. Agree they can see him in ex's time. Which is what a court would say. And cms for a fiver a week is better than zero. They don't need your phone number. Send a message saying things are changing and then block them. See a solicitor if you need a letter reminding them you make the decisions not them...

Sunburntnoseandears has it.

I agree with everything Sunburntnoseandears has to say.

Totally agree with Sunburnt. You've been through an awful thing and unless their son gets his act together and supports / parents his child, they shouldn't get to enjoy the nice part of being grandparents.

They have too much contact. If I were you, I would reduce
contact with them - maybe one weekend a month, at your convenience AND file for support from the father. If he is on benefits they will take the support from that first.

It is not about your relationship with them
It is about the child's relationship with them.
My mother stopped me from seeing my father's parents for long periods of time and it hurt both me and my grandparents VERY badly and both me and my brother are not close to my mother as adults, because she hurt us so much.
Your child has the right to have this fundamental relationship with them.
Two days at the weekend is too much. Tell them one day at the weekend. But as a child I know I would have wanted to se my grandparents every week

I am ashamed of the mother's on here replying to the OP.
All of you have said the grandparents do not deserve it,
Not ONE of you have thought of what is good for the CHILD. Which is that is it important for him to see both sets of grandparents

@angell84 the child does see both sets. The grandparents want him all weekend every weekend. That's not what's best for the child.

Is isn't best for the dc for their dm to be stressed, bullied and harassed.. Which is unfortunately the reality here.
Most importantly the dm needs to be mentally healthy to raise her dc....
When mh damage can be avoided it should be....

You are being very generous of your weekend time. They do not get to decide how much contact they have. They should be doing everything they can to make yours and your son’s lives easier after what their son has has done. I would either stick to the current arrangement or reduce contact. Don’t let them bully you into this

Exactly what the majority has said. Tell them they can sort contact out with their dipshit loser son then block them

You aren't being unreasonable. In-law's (ex or not) can really suck. You might remind them that you are under NO OBLIGATION at all to accommodate them. They could have to make arrangements through their deadbeat son if they want to act like assholes. You are truly doing the best you can for your son, and it's admirable. A lot of parents wouldn't do as much as you are. You are showing yourself to be mature and selfless with regards to your child. They should be appreciative, but given they raised a person who is comfortable taking off on his child and obligations, i wouldn't expect much from them.

you need to reduce Contact as others have already stated, you’re giving them grounds for Grandparent Contact at a furure date.. also what happens when your DS starts school, you’ll not see him all week in school times then every weekend he’ll be between these ‘separated’ grandparents ... that’s not in his best interests OP, they need to back the hell off, interestingly you say the are snidey with you since their own DS left and pays nothing toward their grandchilds care.. do they contribute in any way to help you and their grandson and is it only ‘they’ who are allowed to separate and meet new partners whilst judging you ... for their son leaving you and quitting his job to escape paying for his child? they must be very proud of him.

You are being over reasonable, we don't even visits my own parents with that regularity as we are often busy. You'll find even the routine you have now hard to stick to once dc has friends and clubs etc. Of course you need to see your own family and do your own thing too. My dc only see their dad once a fortnight, their in-laws on his side I take them once a year (they live abroad) what they are expecting is totally unreasonable

I'd drop it to once a month as a courtesy. Dont get too set into certain days etc as at some point your dc will have playdates and parties and they dont sound like the types to be flexible.

They've clearly been chatting amongst themselves and arranged for FIL to see DS every Sunday, and MIL every Saturday

How exactly have they arranged this?

I'm in full agreement with Sunburntnoseandears.

Please, please put in the CMS claim - as PP said, it may only be a fiver, but it's the principle and setting a precedent for the future.