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Parenting

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Original poster

need virtual shoulders to cry on - am really sad and teary and guilty and bleuuurgh about ds1 no longer being my only one

61 replies

Tutter · 30/07/2007 19:26

that's it really

ds2 12 days old

am finding it hard to adjust - not to ds2, he's a breeze - but to my changing relationship with (and lack of time with) ds1

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

KerryMumbledore · 30/07/2007 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jaspersslave · 30/07/2007 20:52

i felt just the same ds was 2.2 when dd was born,she now 7 months and things have changed so much they like little buddies and ds would rather have her around than be just with me. it is really hard i remember him saying that i didnt love him anymore
u just need to spend as much time with them as possible when baby is sleeping and when u dealing with baby comment on how well they are playing etc and your feel suprisingly better inside.

just remember its worth it.
give it a good 4-6 months and your be so pleased you have both of them

hibsy · 30/07/2007 21:06

hi there don't worry it does get easier, there is exactly 2 years between my dd1 and dd2 (now nearly 7 and 5) and they are the best of friends now and dd1 never noticed that she spent less time with me when her younger sister was born- we included her in baby's routine and when no.2 was asleep spent lots of one to one time with her! Since then we've had a ds and the girls were absoultley brilliant with him- it does get better and easier, hope this helps x

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Original poster

Tutter · 30/07/2007 21:23

thanks everyone

just needed to share sadness

head tells me it'll all be fine - he'll adjust quickly

heart already aches for lost best buddydom

OP posts:

youpeskykids · 30/07/2007 21:24

Hey tutter - agree with everything everyone has said about hormones, adjusting etc.

My DS1 is 3.7 and DS2 4 months. Felt like you the night before I went in to have DS2. I said to DH that "..life as we know it will now change forever.." and was quite anxious about how new baby would affect our perfect little threesome and was also worried about baby's arrival changing DS1.

Glad to say I had NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT!!!

I saw a wonderful, generous, caring, nurturing side of DS1 towards DS2 that I'd never had the pleasure of witnessing. DS2 is mesmorised by DS1 and his eyes follow him around the room. I feel that DS2 has somehow strengthened my relationship with DS1.

Luckily all our friends and family gave DS1 LOTS of fuss and attention when they came round to see DS2.

I make sure I spend time with DS1 on his own, as well as the pair of them together. We often have saturday mornings together on our own and go swimming, or go to the cinema and stuff like that.

Please enjoy this time, and don't worry, it's just hormones!!!

littlelapin · 30/07/2007 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellieo · 31/07/2007 19:13

I can really empathise with this, as I am a week away from having ds2. DS1 is 2.1 and the anxiety about how he'll react is killing me as he's so clingy to me at the moment, to the point of rejecting his father point blank. Plus the sadness at it not being just the two of us for most of the day any more. Then I feel guilty that I should be looking forward to the next baby, when really I'm dreading how hard it's all going to be... the list of worries goes on. BUT the stories of siblings being the best of friends a few months/years down the line is giving me some hope.

OliveIsSoNotHereAndOnABreak · 31/07/2007 21:00

oh I was like this too Tutter

I remember being in hospital with dd2 and we had to stay in overnight (poss jaundice, but wasn't in the end)

anyway, inlaws turned up with dd1 who was only 22 months but she looked MASSIVE and I just cried and cried when they left as I missed her so

mine fought like cat and dog for quite a while (don't want to alarm but nearly 18 months ) but now are best friends (now 4 and nearly 3)

dd2 had a lie in on Saturday and dd1 was stomping about pouting that it was boring without dd2 and to "go and wake her up"

Cappuccino · 31/07/2007 21:02

oh tutter I felt exactly the same

then 2 months later I felt completely the opposite way round

it is normal my love you be kind to yourself

the whole thing changes every day and good god, it's going to be wonderful, just give it time

Cappuccino · 31/07/2007 21:03

oh and dd2 is so my best buddy now she is 6 and dd2 is 2

she is my 'big girl' and my 'helper' she is so proud

Cappuccino · 31/07/2007 21:03

obv I meant dd1

duh

Original poster

Tutter · 31/07/2007 21:06

tough day today - ds1 has decided he hates nanny. i'm feeling guilty that i have nanny. also guilty that i have ds2

[still hormonal?]

OP posts:

berolina · 31/07/2007 21:06

Tutter, I've been having pangs about this too - I'm nearly 34 weeks and ds1 is 2.2. He is such an utter delight and although strongly suspect he'll (eventaully) love having a sibling, I worry and worry about what I'll be doing to him... I've bought an Ergo and am planning to bung ds2 in it as much as poss to at least have hands free for ds1.

Original poster

Tutter · 31/07/2007 21:07

what's an ergo, berolina?

OP posts:

berolina · 31/07/2007 21:08

Baby carrier thing - think there's a review on here.

mustrunmore · 31/07/2007 21:08

This is a bit pointless, as it just echos everyone else.. but, really, it doesnt feel so bad forever. I was in hosp a week with ds2 (he had an infection) and I felt I lost ds1 totoally then. He suddenyl became daddy's boy. He hated me for being in there, and hated visiting me. On day 4 dh brought him in, and sat with ds2 while I took ds1 to the hosp cafe. I was terrified! All of a sudden I had this huge boy that I couldnt control (still bit sore from c section), and I wondered how on earth I'd manage with two. Then when we were discharged , they came to get me, and ds1 screamed and refused to come in the room. Then I was scared about when dh went back to work and I was left with two.

But... its great! although I have no doubt that each boy misses out on some one-to-one time with me because i just cant spred myself that thinly, they are just now starting to become really good playmates. Ds1 really protects ds2 aswell, which is adorable. And I get a bit of ds1 time while ds`1 has his nap (sadly only 45 mins), and he has extra time after ds2 is in bed.

Original poster

Tutter · 31/07/2007 21:09

how old are they/were they, mustrunmore?

OP posts:

mustrunmore · 31/07/2007 21:17

Ds1 was 2 1/4 when ds2 was born. Ds2 is now 17 months. Er, does that help you?

Original poster

Tutter · 31/07/2007 21:18

yes

exactly same as my dsses

OP posts:

mustrunmore · 31/07/2007 21:20

I should also point out that its often ds1 that I have to protect from ds2, as he's going through histhrowing everything phase and hitting, and poor ds1 takes the brunt of it, really well I didint really think about just how good he is with ds2, until I saw some only children with ds2; theywere so much worse re lack of patience and willingness to share etc. It made me very proud of ds1

meemar · 31/07/2007 21:24

Tutter - my 2 boys have the same age gap as yours, but are now aged 4 and 22 months. I felt, and sometimes still do feel bad that I don't have enough hours in the day to give each of them undivided attention.

But they have each other! - it's the best present you could have given your DS1, his own little brother. My two (in between scrapping) adore each other and when DS1 says to me 'mummy I love DS2, he's so cute' it melts me!

mustrunmore · 31/07/2007 21:25

I'd like to think of some very wise advice then, but I cant! Only the usual stuff. Make the elder one feel involved with giving little jobs (ds1 loves wiping ds2's bum ), try to stop people doing the 'hello, is this your brother? Isnt he lovely?' thing, as it really pissed ds1 off!, put them to bed at slightly different times once the younger one gets into a proper bedtime, do lots of 'oh, he's trying to talk to you, he's smililng because he thinks you're funny' etc etc. And as for you, just accept that you have two now and try to work with it. Nothing's going to make you have one to yourself again, so you have to find your own routines for quality time with both of them. And I do love it now they entertain each other a bit i even washed my hair while they were both awake the other day

mustrunmore · 31/07/2007 21:26

Meemar, ds1 calls ds2 Fuzzy Felt Head. Apparently this is a term of endearment

NotADragonOfSoup · 31/07/2007 21:27

DSs are almost exactly 2 years apart and I had that "OMG, what have I done to DS1??" moment. I got over it It was only when I did one of those photo montages a year ago that I finally realised that DS2 was the best present I could ever have given DS1. Look at the together - that's what your DS1 will have

thomcat · 31/07/2007 21:30

What you are feeling is natural, well in my opinion anyway!

I felt bad when DD2 came along but 19 months down the line I know it was the best thing I ever did.

Now pregnnat with no 3 feel a bit bad esp on DD2 who is only a baby herself, but again, I know it'll be the best thing I can do for them and for us all.

When you DS's start to have a relationship together you'll know it's the best thing you've ever done too.

Don't be too hard on yourself. TC xx

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