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Original poster

4yo doesn't love other parent - how to handle?

31 replies

PurplePuffinPicker · 16/07/2019 23:19

My DW isn't very hands on with DD(4). I'm the main parent by quite a long way. This is an issue in itself, but not what I'm looking to discuss now.

DD went through a phase of telling DW she doesn't love her. I talked to DD a lot and told her that it was unkind, and that she doesn't have to love anyone she doesn't want to, but she shouldn't say it like that. She stopped saying it for months, and has recently started saying 'I love you' to her when DW says it first. I was hoping she meant it, but tonight it transpires she is just pretending.

I didn't bring the topic up but in that random 4yo old chatter way, I found out that she thinks she has to say it to be nice. I don't really feel comfortable with her feeling co-erced like this. I told her that she doesn't have to say she DOES love her, just not say she DOESN'T. But the nuance of that was lost on her. She kept saying 'shhh mummy (that's me), it's okay it's our secret'. I don't want her to keep secrets from either of us either so that's another aspect I don't know how to address.

Has anyone got any suggestions on how to handle it, from mine and DD's perspective? I know that DW should be working on her bond with DD but that's a separate issue as it's out of my control, and it's a bit of a hit and miss effort. I would welcome advice on how to get DD to understand that she's doesn't have to say 'I love you' without having her revert back to bluntly stating 'I don't love you'!

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Bunnybigears · 16/07/2019 23:22

I'm still a big believer in 'if you dont have anything nice to say dont say anything at all'

timeandtimeagain42 · 16/07/2019 23:28

Surely this is not the four year old's issue to sort out? She's four, tiny still so is just telling the truth as she sees it. Probably because she's crying out for attention from somebody unwilling to give it. I'd suggest switching your focus from trying to get your dd to say the right thing, and concentrate instead on healing the issues that are being caused by your dw lack of interest.

converseandjeans · 16/07/2019 23:29

I agree she shouldn't feel obliged to say it - but perhaps it makes her feel nice if her mother is otherwise unloving. She will probably grow out if it. Such a shame her DM doesn't bond well with her. Do you think she might get better with DD once she's older? Some people can't cope with little kids too well. Thankfully she has you.

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NiceViper · 16/07/2019 23:34

I'd ignore it as far as possible.

If she ever says that she doesn't love DW, just say 'that's OK, she loves you anyway' and move on. And I'd stop trying to tell her what to say/not say. It's clearer that the finer points are lost in her, do just leave it.

Original poster
PurplePuffinPicker · 17/07/2019 07:27

I don't think she's crying out for attention, she just says it when DW says I love you, she replies 'I don't love you'. If she was just saying it to me, I wouldn't mind so much. I don't think she feels hurt rejected by DW, she seems content with me and just doesn't seem to need DW due to the poor bond.

I am tempted to just leave it because if DW is hurt by it, that's her problem to sort out, but now I seem to be in a situation where DD lies about it, because I said it's unkind to say 'I don't love you'. I'd rather have dw's feelings hurt than DD feeling like she should lie. I wish I'd just left well alone to start with!

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TooOldForThisWhoCares · 17/07/2019 07:36

I think you should just completely ignore it when your dd says it. As others have said, making a thing of it with your dd in the first place has made it into more of an issue. The only person you should discuss it with is your DW. A lot of young kids go through a phase of saying I don't love you to parents or I don't want to be your friend etc but it's up to you as parents and a couple to decide if YOUR dd saying it is an indication of something more problematic.

squeekywheel · 17/07/2019 07:52

Are you separated or divorced? If not I think you should be.

Stop grilling the poor child over who she does or doesn't love- it's cruel.

HermioneWeasley · 17/07/2019 07:57

I find this alarming - your DD May or may not love her mother, but it takes a huge amount for a kid to not love their parents. Children love absolutely shitty parents. And the choice of language (I don’t love you vs a tantrum of “I hate you”) is interesting

I’d say your DW is failing as a parent and your DD is entitled to express that however she wants

TulipsTulipsTulips · 17/07/2019 08:00

This all sounds dysfunctional and is uncomfortable to read. Just shower your DD with love, don’t worry about the response and stop questioning whether she ‘means it’ when she replies ‘I love you’ to your DW. Whatever is going on isn’t really clear from your post but it certainly isn’t your DD’s fault.

tinyvulture · 17/07/2019 08:09

My DD used to regularly tell me that you can only love one person, and she loved her father..... Even now she’s older (7), obviously she does say she loves me now (we have a very strong bond), but would still probably say she loves her father more. This does not bother me in the slightest. Many adults are unable to articulate how/who they love, so it’s unreasonable to expect a child to do so. She does, I’m sure, love both of you. It’s not uncommon for one parent to be more hands off than the other (one may work longer hours, etc) - children still manage to cope. Unless your DW is actively unkind to your DD, I don’t think you’ve got a problem there. Just stop asking the little girl who she loves, and stop taking it so seriously when she tells you.

tinyvulture · 17/07/2019 08:11

Oh, and I just re-read your last post. If you have taught your daughter it is unkind to say things to her mother that hurt her, that is good, not bad!!!

LoafofSellotape · 17/07/2019 08:18

I don't really feel comfortable with her feeling co-erced like this. I told her that she doesn't have to say she DOES love her, just not say she DOESN'T. But the nuance of that was lost on her not surprising really at 4,is it?

Leave her be,stop talking about it,your wife needs to develop the bond with DD it's not up to a 4 year old to do it.

I agree with a pp who said when she says it just say "She loves you" and move on.

Halo1234 · 17/07/2019 08:22

Agree. At 4 they are still young and not really got much tact yet. So they say what they think in that moment. So not getting their own way can result in "you are not my friend" "i dont love you". If she says it i would tell her that's not very kind. Mummy loves you and always will. If she says I love u. Reply I/mummy love u too and always will. You are thinking too deeply IMO. She is 4. I am sure not matter what she says she loves both parents even if her bound is much stronger with you. If her mother is not stepping up for her that's the only issue u need to address with her not your 4 year old. She isnt lying just being in the moment or perhaps trying to push some buttons because she feels angry/lacking attention in that moment.

LoafofSellotape · 17/07/2019 08:31

Halo spot on imo.

Thesearmsofmine · 17/07/2019 08:41

Why on earth is this being made into a thing. Young dc do say things like I don’t love you or you’re not my friend etc, it’s pretty normal. I am a hands on mum with a good bond but still each of my children have told me they don’t love me or like me at some point, I know it isn’t true so I just ignore it.

You sound like you have issues with your DW and so are making this into a much bigger deal than it is.

flamingjune123 · 17/07/2019 08:41

A 4 year old doesn't actually have the concept of what love is. They will feel ( or otherwise) an attachment to someone, usually the primary care giver(s)
My almost 6 yo GS has a strong bond to his Mother and he very clearly loves her dearly. However at 4-5 when he was first figuring out what love was he would go through what he considered a hilarious stage of telling me he loved me, didn't love me, he loved his Mummy, didn't love his Mummy. for this game we had to do pretend crying when he said he didn't love either of us. The difference was we knew this was just part and parcel of testing out new concepts, of how he could effect people around him. It was completely normal. It seems like you are attempting to use the words of what is little more than a baby and make them into a fact

Enclume · 17/07/2019 08:45

You are ridiculous for making it an issue.

My children have swapped allegiances between me and my DH based on such factors as

  • who has been staying home with them more recently
  • who will rewatch Frozen for the most consecutive days without bitching
  • who has had to be stricter with them that week

Etc.

Will you be doing this much hand wringing when DD is 6 and announces she prefers Mummy?

2cats2many · 17/07/2019 08:48

Is your DW also your daughter's mother?

MmmBlowholes · 17/07/2019 08:56

She's only little, she doesn't understand.

GrabbyGertie · 17/07/2019 08:57

I think you've made this more complicated than it is. Just tell you daughter to respond to you DW by telling her she loves her. Don't question her about it but if she brings up who she loves or doesn't love don't question her just tell her that you love DW very much.

Ginnymweasley · 17/07/2019 09:05

My 4 year old switches who she loves more all the time. Atm Dh has been working a lot and she has decided that she doesnt love me anymore. This is cause I'm the one that has to tell her that daddy will be late tonight etc. Sometimes she prefers me (when daddy brushes her hair). At 4 I don't think there is much thought that goes into it tbh.

Original poster
PurplePuffinPicker · 17/07/2019 09:34

When she's said it to me, I do just usually reply 'well she loves you lots' and move onto something else. It was only when she repeatedly said it to dws face I told her it was unkind to say that to someone. That was quite a while ago. Then she stopped and eventually switched to replying with I love you too.

Last night, she brought it up in a game. She was saying other untrue things like 'I have blue hair' and we were laughing and I was calling her a silly billy and then she said 'like when I tell mummy p I love her, that's not true'. So I just said she doesn't have to say that if she doesn't mean it.

I haven't been initiating the conversation. I have been trying to get DW to spend some time with DD to improve things, but that's not something I can force really, it's DW's behaviour that needs to change there.

And yes, DW is DD's other mother, not a step-parent, to the poster who asked.

Hermione you're right, DW is failing as a parent but I know I've done the wrong thing by asking DD to stop saying 'I odnt love you'. At least that was her being honest. I was trying to teach her that it's not nice to tell people you don't like them, but obviously she's too young and I should have just left it.

Grabby I disagree, I don't think it's right at all to tell DD to just say I love you back. That's a terrible message to send to a young child - that's teaching her from a very young age to compromise her feelings for someone else's.

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Original poster
PurplePuffinPicker · 17/07/2019 09:38

To those saying about switching - that doesn't happen here. It never has. DD always prefers me for everything; bath, cooking, arse-wiping (yay!), going out, reading, playing. She gets upset when I leave but never when DW leaves. She consistently and repeatedly shows and says she loves me and not DW. It's not that a fickle thing, as it's the preference never switches.

OP posts:
squeekywheel · 17/07/2019 09:38

Oh just get a divorce

bumpertobumper · 17/07/2019 10:04

My four year old dd was very attached to me, sahm, and not close to her dad who works a lot. Essentially he found it easier to interact and play with the older kids, esp when she was being toddler tricky. So they didn't bond, and she was rejecting of him in her behaviour eg absolutely refused to let him read her a bedtime story even if it meant going without etc, wouldn't say goodnight. He found this hurtful and started to withdraw further from her.

So, dp and I had some good deep chats and adjusted - he made a lot more effort to play and hang out with her, the bond between them grew. I pulled back from eg always being the one to wipe her bum, get her drink, leaving dp to do it whenever possible.
She will now happily let him put her to bed etc and there is a lot of love between them.

In your OP you say you haven't started this thread to discuss your dw parenting, but that is the crux of the issue. You are both the adults and it is your job to guide dd through.

It is also the age where many children are still very much attached to only the primary caregiver, and when they should start to branch out, secure in this attachment, to form others. So now is a good time for dw to step up and create the bond with her.

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