4yo doesn't love other parent - how to handle?

[PurplePuffinPicker]

My DW isn't very hands on with DD(4). I'm the main parent by quite a long way. This is an issue in itself, but not what I'm looking to discuss now.

DD went through a phase of telling DW she doesn't love her. I talked to DD a lot and told her that it was unkind, and that she doesn't have to love anyone she doesn't want to, but she shouldn't say it like that. She stopped saying it for months, and has recently started saying 'I love you' to her when DW says it first. I was hoping she meant it, but tonight it transpires she is just pretending.

I didn't bring the topic up but in that random 4yo old chatter way, I found out that she thinks she has to say it to be nice. I don't really feel comfortable with her feeling co-erced like this. I told her that she doesn't have to say she DOES love her, just not say she DOESN'T. But the nuance of that was lost on her. She kept saying 'shhh mummy (that's me), it's okay it's our secret'. I don't want her to keep secrets from either of us either so that's another aspect I don't know how to address.

Has anyone got any suggestions on how to handle it, from mine and DD's perspective? I know that DW should be working on her bond with DD but that's a separate issue as it's out of my control, and it's a bit of a hit and miss effort. I would welcome advice on how to get DD to understand that she's doesn't have to say 'I love you' without having her revert back to bluntly stating 'I don't love you'!

4yosbare blunt.

She obviously doesn't feel the way you'd like about her other mother.

Bit that's because that's how she feels.

Get other mother to work on the relationship.

My ds would say all sorts of things like "you're not my friend anymore" to me, usually after insisd "no" to something.

But for a 4yp to consistently say this, means something is fundamentally wrong in the relationship between them. So have a hard look at what the cause is. ... And don't blame the 4yo....

Well your other thread about your wife’s alcoholism gives a different slant to this.

There’s nothing wrong with your child or how she’s expressing herself and you’re right trying to teach her to say nothing rather than say something mean. Good luck with your plans.

Is leaving DW a possibility? It sounds like DD might be happier just the two of you.

You're making the problem to be with your daughter when it's clear that the issue is with your wife. She is failing as a parent and your daughter is picking up on that. Your daughter is trying to tell you in a clumsy 4 year old way that she is unhappy with your wife. You need to listen to her.

I think your approach to this is really weird. Perhaps there is a lot of background you haven't given in your posts, but to me, focusing on telling a 4 year old that she doesn't need to say I love you to her other parent, rather than addressing the issue with the other parent, is very strange indeed

You mention in a later post that your DW is "failing as a parent". It sounds as though there are relationship issues at play here that your DD is picking up on. Are you the primary carer?

I have a DD with my DW and if DD ever said to me that she didn't love DW, I'd be very concerned by that and would deal with it with DW as a team. It sounds as though you are prioritising your bond with your DD over your joint role as parents. Mistake, in my view.

Are you a SAHP? I see that you are effectively the primary carer for other reasons but wondered about this. And what did your wife think, how did she react when your daughter used to say she didn't love her? Are there things you think your wife could do to improve the situation? I think you should be addressing this with the adult, not the child.