Help! I can't decide whether to have a baby 😖

[Iamemi]

I'm driving myself insane. I'm 35 and my husband is 46 (47 soon). He says IF we are going to have a baby we need to do it soon. I've not exactly had the smoothest of lives. I've been troubled all my life and recently discovered i have ASD and ADHD and I think that's why I've struggled so much with life. I also have m.e and anxiety. I've always had a phobia of anything to do with pregnancy and I also have very low self esteem and worry a lot. I feel I have a lot of love to give but lack confidence in my ability to be a good mum. I struggle so much with simple things others can just do, I do not know how I could possibly do it. My husband would be brilliant but with him being older and working full time a lot of it would be down to me. I am only recently trying to be more independent from my own mum who I have dependency issues with but she is moving away so I need to not only learn to cope without her but I would also not have her around to help with a baby. My husband will be ok with or without us having a baby. His main worry is if I could cope (which doesn't feel good knowing he doesn't fully believe I could do it) and financially we have recently lost all our savings as my husband trusted someone he shouldn't so I've been very very upset about that and that obviously is worrying me as we now are living with no back up savings and we haven't the time to wait until we are more financially recovered from this disaster. How do I make this huge decision? Or how do I come to terms with never having a baby because I feel it will really upset me because I feel if we don't it's because I'm rubbish at life 🙁 Thanks in advance for any advice. I do know it would be the hardest thing I've ever done and it will either break me or shape me into a better person and force me to grow up and get my shit together!

Hi there OP,

We're really sorry you're feeling this way, it sounds really tough.

Just giving this a bump for you in case anyone else can come along and help.

Thank you! I was feeling a little deflated that I hadn't had any comments!! Maybe I really am the only person to ever overthink this decision so badly!! 😣

Hi putting in another bump for you. You dont have to have kids to be doing good in life its measured by how happy you are 😊

You're not rubbish at life.
It's very hard for anyone to tell you whether you should have kids or not. It's a life changing decision.
With phobia of pregnancy, anxiety etc you describe above, maybe seek some counseling? Talking through options with a trained person may help you figure out what you really want as well as help you cope with pregnancy/birth/parenthood if you go that route or any feelings you may have if you don't.
Sorry I can't be more help. I hope things work out well for you.

When a baby comes everything becomes about the baby for a while and your own wellbeing and health are harder to fix and find the time for self care and self improvement. In your position I would spend some time working on myself maybe having counselling and reading around managing your self esteem, dependency and conditions. Try and do some new things without involving your mum so you can see that you can cope fine with your life without her help. Having a baby is hard work and can knock your health even when you're managing well before you get pregnant. Take a set amount of time, even 6 months or so and see if you can improve your confidence and get organised in managing your life and the way your health is managed to see if you can get to a point where you feel more settled and in control. You will be in a better position to see if you can give a child a good life and cope with the extra work and disruption a new baby will bring into your world. It's better to take some active steps to make a life you're happy with now so that either way you know you will be fine. Hopefully things will become clearer for you as you tackle some of the things that you feel are holding you back in life anyway. It's a decision no one else can make for you and is always a bit of a leap of faith but I think confidence, self esteem and resilience will always stand you in good stead and are qualities we can develop and improve on.

Hi OP. I spent 10 years agonising over the decision. Had extensive counselling and tried to address all of the hundreds of factors that I was trying to take into account. Still couldn’t decide firmly either way. Decided to let fate decide and was pregnant within the month.

That was nearly 10 years ago now. And I still find parenting provides the highest highs and the lowest lows. There are days where I wonder how life would be without DD, but I don’t regret having her. She adds much more joy and fun to life just by being around.

Another bump. From what you've written Op and because you are considering the question in depth, I think you would make a fantastic Mum. Also, no one is ever fully prepared to become a parent. We all sort of wing it, especially to start with. You could always just start trying and see if it happens then go to all the antenatal groups you can. I found them very helpful. Also, you May find getting pregnant hard so starting to try now and see it as a bonus if it happens would be far better than putting it off until you think you might be ready then regretting not trying earlier if you can't get pregnant. I hope this helps.

You’re definitely not the only person to overthink this decision!

I agree with the previous posters that some counselling might help you if that’s an option. You don’t sound rubbish at life from here, you just sound very very lacking in confidence.

Also, my mum decided to move 3,500 miles away the week before I found out I was pregnant, and my husband worked away, so it was just me and baby (and friends) 95% of the time. That was really tough and contributed to the failure of my marriage. :(

Thank you for all the replies. It's not a good time to respond properly right now but I really want you all to know I appreciate the responses and advice.

Hi
I was diagnosed with ADHD a few years ago, I've got 2 kids. I thought that having children wouldn't be too difficult - everyone manages to have kids right! I was soo wrong! I personally felt that I'd made a huge mistake for the first 5 years at least, maybe longer, I didn't know then I had ADHD, but I found the shear amount of housework and the boredom very very difficult. I coped okay with lack of sleep, we just about made ends meet financially, but the domestic burden was very difficult. I felt I would rather have money to be going out and doing nice things, I would rather have had the opportunity to progress my career, lots of grass is greener without kids thinking.

However now my children are 11 and 8 and they are a delight, they are able to entertain themselves, they can tell me what they need, we can discuss things. My eldest is neuro-typical and super helpful. My youngest is not diagnosed but I'm sure also has inattentive ADHD which presents challenges, it's hereditary. I don't regret them at all now and I do think we made a good decision, but I also think that life without children can be rewarding in different ways, I'm not sure I'd be less happy without them, I'd have a very different life.

I find that I am better able to cope with domestic chores when I take medication for my ADHD, at work I'm stimulated and so really they don't make a huge difference, but I can only fold and put away laundry when I take my Elvanse!

We made the decision when I was 25 to chuck out contraception (I can't take hormones anyway) and see what happened, I was at that point happy to have kids or be childless, then we had a miscarriage and the grief was awful and I was desperate for a baby, took 4 years to conceive. Looking back now I don't quite understand how I was feeling and I should have got help for grief.

I think that there is no right or wrong decision. You don't know how you will feel when you're pregnant, some women love it, I hated every moment. You don't know what sort of baby you will have, what needs it will have, you don't know if you will enjoy being a mum to a baby or if you will hate it.

I'm not sure what to make of your husband's reactions, it seems like he is putting pressure on you to make a decision without being particularly helpful in discussing it. I found that my relationship with my husband changed a lot - we were equals, both working and doing housework, then suddenly he was the breadwinner and I was the housewife, except I was an awful housewife. We are back on track now, but it was very difficult because neither of us felt the other was understanding or supportive enough.

I would say that motherhood has brought some amazing moments, but they are short and fleeting against a lot of drudge. The years fly but the days drag.

I agree with pp about trying some counselling to identify your feelings about this..what I would also say is that it sounds like you're taking positive steps in your own life, getting your diagnoses and working on your dependency issues. Perhaps take a year to do counselling and let the dust settle on those recent changes? You may find yourself a lot more certain about life, and with a bit of savings built up again.

It's good to hear from someone who knows what it's like to have ADHD. I have up my meds to try for a baby but now my husband has back tracked and is having doubts himself!! I feel I understand what you're saying when you say "the years fly but the days drag" except for me the days are already a drag but I guess I'm fortunate in I have to decide whether to try and get part time work or have a baby. I am grateful but I thought I'd decided a baby was what I wanted and now my husband is being weird 😒.

I do feel for you, I wonder if the doubts he's expressing as concerns for you are actually his own fear of becoming a parent. It is important that you are both on board. Good luck and I hope you find some peace with whatever you decide. I wonder if it would be a good idea to think about what you would do to make your life more fulfilled in the absence of children? You may not find conceiving easy even if your hubby gets on board. Children restrict you so much, I wish I'd taken more risks and lived more before we'd had them.