DD scared of granny

[BarberBabyBubbles]

My dd is 2 and frightened of my MIL. I’m not sure why - I don’t think anything specific happened but it’s been going on several months now.

MIL thought it was because she didn’t she dd enough but it’s not that - dd is fine with other people including visitors she doesn’t know that well.

When mil is here dd gets distraught at first eg shouts no no and fights bring carried downstairs. I can eventually calm her down but then MIl will try to interact with her again and that sets DD off again. Or she’ll sit really close to DD when we’re having dinner and then dd will start crying. It’s v stressful for me as I also have a baby to look after.

It’s just about manageable when dh is here but when he’s not it is so hard.

Any advice - do we just wait it out?

Does your MIL waer glasses? I had a cousin who would go apeshit if they saw anyone wearing glasses.

*wear (oh the irony!)

Yes she does but so do I and my mum!

The only thing I can think is that she has quite a sharp look to her - wears dark clothes, dark lipstick. She’s not got cuddly look. But I can hardly say that to her / get her to change.

My dd does this with my dad. She doesn't see him much though and hes a scary looking fella Haha!
She says goodbye when he walks in the door.

Could you get MIL to just be in the room with her and ask that she doesn't interact with her for a while? Let DD get used to her being around Nd slowly reintroduce interactions?
Its go down like a lead balloon with my MIL but it's the only thing I can think of! And the argument I'd use for it would be that surely she doesn't want to be the cause of further upset.

Maybe not something MIL has done but has DD maybe had, for example a fall or felt unwell in her presence so now there are negative associations with mil? Could it be food related where mil has given her a good she doesn't like?
Things like this tend to 'stick' at this age.
My DD used to run away from a particular family member and we think it was because of her perfume

Thanks yes you’re spot on with the lead balloon. I tried suggesting that a while back but I think we’ll have to be firmer as it’s so bloody stressful now and I think it would help.

Maybe your dd has a sixth sense.....

Interesting Bluemerchant. It could be something like that, but really not that I can think of. I think she’s quite intense / in your face. Visits are always a big deal - lots of presents / biscuits etc which is nice but also creates more fuss iyswim and is generally not appreciated by a 2 year old!

She does wear strong perfume but always has and the fear started I think when she was about 18 months.

Ha ha walkamile maybe! The baby did start screaming as well the other day - proper tears! But I think that was just cos I was out of sight dealing with distraught toddler.

Your description makes her sounds like a baddie from a Disney film.... does she look anything like something out a fairy tale? Example: scary witch from Little Mermaid, the witch from Sleeping Beauty...

My DD spent three years screaming No No and running away everyday when DH got home from work.
My suggestions are to ignore, don't push contact and wait for her to grow out of it.

quite possibly I suppose! She doesn’t look like anyone who springs to mind but I guess she shares characteristics of the more scary characters!
I know you we’re sort of joking but now I think about it that might be the link.

PerspicaciaTick when you say don’t push contact do you mean get mil to ignore dd. I don’t want to decrease visits

PerspicaciaTick Also - 3 years. Ouch. Your poor dh.

I have similar issues with my little
Boy , he just screams at certain people for no reason .
I've seen that it is a common thing though and all you can do is just to reassure her and not force the contact with the adult - yes have your mil visit but don't make your daughter spend time with her if she dosnt want too - let her play in her bedroom if that helps .
Hopefully the phase will stop soon but I know how frustrating it is

Very interesting because this reminds me of an instance with my own daughter. when she was three, I took her to my mum's to have lunch and a friend of my mum's joined us. I had known this woman for years and years, lovely person, but my daughter had never met her. For context, my daughter loved EVERYONE, was very sociable and outgoing, would talk to anyone.

As soon as we arrived, my daughter took one look at her at actually recoiled. She was terrified of this woman and didn't want to be anywhere near her. It became quite awkward so I made an excuse that my daughter wasn't feeling well and I took her home. I didn't want to spoil my mum's lunch with her friend. I asked my daughter what was wrong on the drive home and she said, "that lady had a scary mouth. "

This friend ALWAYS wore very, very dark lipstick that almost looked black. In truth it was really unattractive on her, but for whatever reason, it was her signature look. I had known her for so long that I didn't even think about it anymore. Well, my daughter certainly noticed it and it set her off, which if you think about it from a small child's point of view, a really dark mouth might definitely be scary to them. I wonder if that's your daughter's issue, op?

Ah that’s so interesting. Thanks for sharing. That could be it. I guess especially as I never wear lipstick (no point these days!). But I really don’t feel I could ask mil not to wear lipstick could I? I think I’ll go with the frequent visits but getting DH to tell his mum to ignore dd. Hopefully she will listen cos she wants to help but atm visits are a nightmare!

My son is 3 and HATES it if I wear dark or bright lipstick - which is very rare - but I was messing about with one the other day and he started to cry and said TAKE IT OFF MUMMY! So it could well be that!

I think you could totally ask your husband to ask her to wear paler/no lipstick though!

Ok, I’ll discuss with him. I guess we could say friends had found their kids didn’t like lipstick or something?!?

Yes, don't stop the visits, just make them low key and discourage granny from wanting hugs and attention from DD. Granny needs to come in, ignore the tantrum and have a lovely chat with you. If she can do something entertaining (produce something curious from her handbag, offer round sweets to everyone, read a fun book to herself) she may find that DDs curiosity overwhelms her and she'll sidle over to find out what she's missing. If she sees everyone very relaxed and happy around granny AND she gets zero attention for fussing then you might speed up the results you want.
My DD was/is particularly stubborn I'm sure it won't take you 3 years to see an improvement

Thanks! When you day zero attention I may be guilty here. My dd is in tears - I can’t ignote that can I?

But if everyone is flapping about before granny arrives saying "DD, you must be nice to granny" then flapping about when DD digs her heels in saying "go on DD, be nice, granny wants a hug, go and hug granny, DD that's not kind to run away." And then more flapping about apologising to granny and fussing about tears, you are heightening the upset.
If your DD is 100% not hurt and nothing bad has happened to her, then you can ignore the tears and cheerfully carry on with the visit.

can’t ignote that can I?

Well, you can respond to it in a minimal manner. You know she's not hurt. I try to fuss as little as possible when DD trips or gets startled because I don't want her to see it as a big deal worthy of lots of shrieking and requiring lots of comfort. The same principle could apply?