I have been so mean to my children and feel awful

[derryferryflush]

Ok so I feel like a terrible mum and deep down I sort of know that I am one. I put on this facade in front of people where I'm super nice and super on top of things but I'm not! My house is always a mess and by mess I mean filthy. I have two girl 3 and 5 who I barely manage to bathe every day maybe twice a week. I shout at them a lot and sometimes say mean things. I love them beyond anything in this world but I am exhausted and just wish they would listen to me. My eldest dd is super sensitive and fussy. Ridiculously fussy about getting dressed and eating the food I make. Dd2 is a bit of a rebel. A lot more resilient but probably because I wrapped her up in a great deal less cotton wool and she's seen me lose it a lot more. She just kind of gets on with things nothing much phases her. Anyway, I feel awful. I tried to get my daughter into her pj's after her bath last night and she started crying because she didn't want to wear the shorts as they were too loose and I lost my shit. Like totally lost it. I started screaming at her that I've had enough and shouting "what is wrong with you?!" She was visibly shaken and very upset but I couldn't stop myself! I carried on I know that it was abusive but I couldn't stop for a couple of minutes. I feel awful and was a again horrible to her at bedtime tonight. I don't know how I got to this point but I'm here and I really need some help. Feel totally lost.

It sounds like you are at the end of your tether and in desperate need of some support IRL. I hope you have friends/family you can ask. You could also ask your HV for advice/support.
If you feel yourself getting close to screaming, tell your DC you’ll be back in a minute, leave the room and do what you need to in order to regain a bit more calm.
If you’ve treated your children in a way you aren’t happy with, it’s in your power to change that. There’s also nothing wrong with saying sorry to them and admitting you didn’t handle the situation as you’d have liked. You’re only human.

Tomorrow make an appointment with your GP and ask for help. What about their dad, can he help.

I'm not going to tell you that it's ok, you are laying the blocks right now for their future mental health. Make it a mission to get some support for their sakes.

Bathing twice a week is fine
Fussy kids would try the patience of a saint.
Small children are brutally hard work at times.
You’ve recognised that shouting isn’t ok. It isn’t but I’ve done it too - I don’t know a mum that hasn’t lost her shit at some stage.
Apologise to your DD, I found it helped to imagine I was being watched by someone - don’t behave in private how you wouldn’t in public, it’s a good way to keep your temper. You need a break, good mums have good lives outside of the kids x

I have absolute screaming fits at my kids occasionally and I don’t think I’m a terrible mum!! They trash my house and constantly fight, my nerves are shreds and so at times I explode. My mum did the same and she wasn’t a bad mum, so please don’t feel bad about that.

Your house being a mess is probably grinding you down terribly. That’s one of my main bugbears as I can’t relax when I know I have lots to do and the children are just adding to my workload. Is there anyone who could help you clean? Could you afford to may a company to come and do a one off deep clean so you could get on top of it?

Thanks so much for your replies

@Creatureofthenight I don't have much support IRL which is why I came on here I suppose. I wouldn't know where to start with HV as haven't seen one for over a year. I have apologized and told her that I was wrong and that no one should be allowed to shout etc but I've been here a fair few times and if I don't stop I'm sure she will lose faith in my words. Thank you for your advice

@gamerchick you're right. I don't want them to think this is acceptable but it's been so difficult to reel myself in at times. their dad is not hands on and doesn't help with my workload. He works and I manage the children and household. Not very successfully.

Try not to batter yourself, parenting or should I say adulting is bloody hard at times. With kids there's no let up, we easily get into cycles which then are hard to break.

Are you on your own?

Try and change some things bit by bit, so I would suggest that the end of the night routine is the hardest right now? Because you're tired and so are they.

A good routine helps, with my kids it would be bath, pjs and watch an episode of in the night garden then bed. They get used to the routine and you can do it earlier or later but it's always the same.

Some help tips

• if fussy about getting out bath, pull the plug, let the water run out when times up, once waters all gone they will willingly get out

• fussy about pj's then let her choose her own, doesn't matter if they don't match, make it part of routine

Do you have any support?

What’s your relationship with your partner like?
Could he share the bedtimes?

You’re obviously overwhelmed and not coping well. What do you think would help you?
Living in a filthy house and feeling out of control are things you need to address.

Do you need a routine?
Time for yourself?
Your partner to step up?
A job?
How’s your sleep?
Are you depressed?

Chill out and try not to worry so much. It’s 1 episode and tomorrow is another day! Take 1 thing at a time and breathe. I find it easier to concentrate on the kid behaviour during daytime and then try and sort out cleaning stuff at night when they’re in bed or weekend when DH can take them away to do something else. If I need to do stuff in daytime I put something on tv usually - but today they decided to draw on the wall, so I had to take that away (which made it a lot harder for me!!!)

Bless you. Do you have a partner and would he give you more support?

It sounds as though you need a break to recharge your batteries. If you could have one you'd be refreshed and after that it would be a good idea to arrange to have some time to yourself on a regular basis. It would make life a lot easier if you had that to look forward to.

I really hope things improve for you soon .

Their dad doesn’t get to opt out of parenting just because he has a job. He needs to start helping out more, or your stress levels are not going to improve.
Do you have contact details for your HV? Just give them a call and ask for a visit.

Thanks for the replies and advice. My husband is not very helpful but I've managed to have a chat with him and explain to him how I feel. I do feel like I could be depressed but also, and this may sound silly but when my house is such a mess I feel like I am a mess as well. I've got to start a Bedtime routine which is something I've said for years and never really consistently implemented but I know it would help. I need to let go in a sense of this image I have in my head of what I think things should be like. It's been so helpful to have different takes from other mothers and I feel much less hopeless. My own mother was never really around when I was growing up so I feel like I don't have much of an example to follow in that sense. Thanks again. My husband has agreed I def need to take more me time as I haven't done that for months. Thank you all. Hope you have a nice weekend x

We all lose it from time to time but the difference between an abusive parent and a normal one is that we recognise where we've gone wrong. Which you have.

When i was going through this i tried to identify triggers that were msking life harder than needed?

Are you exhausting yourself cooking from scratch when the occasional ready meal will do?

Are you going to bed early enough to get enough sleep to be the mum you want to be?

Can you make lists to help you get on top of housework and everything else? I find a variation on thr TOMM method works well for me?

Can you devise an evening timetable to helpwith flashpoints?

@RuffleCrow I do cook from scratch everyday and I should prob be sleeping a lot earlier than I do. I'm going to look into the TOMM method. I've just googled it and it looks very interesting. Never heard of it before now. Thanks so much x

Don't know if this would work for you, OP but, when my DSDs were young (I was main carer), I used to bath them when we got in from school, not at bedtime, so I was less knackered. Then they watched TV and chilled while I sorted tea out. And they were keener to get out the bath so they could watch TV whereas, if you bath them before bed, they spin it out as long as possible to put off bedtime.

I was exactly the same when my older two were the age yours are. Mine responded really well to having a more regimented after school/evening period which is something I battled against for a long time as I’m not much of a routine loving person! So it went something like:
Snack and drink
Homework/reading/Storytime
Playtime
Tidy up
Dinner
Tv
Bath,pjs, teeth
Story if they hadn’t messed around too much during the bath time bit.

I seemed to gain some time from this as well, eg checking bags for letters etc, emptying lunch boxes and making lunch for the next day while they were having their snack, cooking dinner while they were playing, and only having to have a quick tidy/hoover after they were in bed instead of feeling like I was constantly refereeing them and chasing my tail with the household and admin stuff

And absolutely give yourself a break with cooking from scratch everyday if you can. I used to do one freezer day and one light meal (soup, beans on toast, jacket potato with beans etc) plus pudding day a week. Probably their favourite days tbh.

Don't know if this would work for you, OP but, when my DSDs were young (I was main carer), I used to bath them when we got in from school, not at bedtime, so I was less knackered. Then they watched TV and chilled while I sorted tea out. And they were keener to get out the bath so they could watch TV whereas, if you bath them before bed, they spin it out as long as possible to put off bedtime.

Brilliant idea, I used to do this too sometimes - it really takes the pressure off

*carer

What kind of meals do you cook?
I found meal planning for the week really freed up my time. I also plan a lot of dishes that are one pot or 2 max so there’s less washing up and it takes less time.

Try to get some time regularly for yourself. Timetable it in and let your dh know that these time slots are for you to do what you want.

TOMM is great to help you get back on top of the house work as is flylady.

With the bedtime routine, tell your dc what is going to happen at what time every evening and get them on board. Then remind them ‘look it’s 6 o clock. What do we do at 6?’
I found letting them think they were in charge of their own routine really helped.
Write things down and timetable stuff.

Good luck op. It’s hard when you’ve not had great parenting yourself so it’s great that you want to make changes.

now they are trapped. Get their Dad to be the full time carer.

Are you kidding me?! I've shouted at my DS before too, when they are trying and testing and pushing and pushing your limits yes you do lose your temper. Your holier than thou bollocks does not help, honestly someone who is already doubting herself and questioning her ability as a mother does NOT need to be told to leave and hand her children over to their father full time.

OP, I have autistic twins and some days I am an absolute wreck. It helps knowing that there is a cause for the way they are. Do you think something might be going on with your DD?

Op, a few months ago I was getting really angry with my dds, they are 2 and 4. The smallest thing made me so irritable and cross. I shouted so loud at dd1 sometimes she was visibly frightened.

This is not me. Its not how I parent, its not how I see myself as a mother and like you I was feeling so, so guilty. Dh and I had been through a couple of incredibly stressfull years and once I realised that I felt so stressed still, I got counselling and am taking antidepressants. I am once again a calm, patient, non shouty mother.

You've realised you need to make a change and now you just need to focus on doing that

I've been reading up on a theory that suggests the following. Maybe you'll find some of it helpful.

An angery reaction to a child is because what your child has done triggers the way you learnt to defend yourself from feeling what you felt at their age.

Figure out your triggers, find compassion for yourself as a child in order to feel empathy for your own child.

Be real and authentic, admit and apologize when you're wrong, explain to your child as to why you were angry/upset best you can. They can be a lot more understanding than we realize.

Pushing away a child comes when you're trying to not feel around the child because it reminds you of your painful childhood.

Maybe have a think about how your memories of childhood influence how you parent?

It might be worth considering if your dd1 may have any additional needs - sensory perhaps if clothes and food are triggers. Has school/nursery highlighted anything in her behaviour? If it rings any bells start a diary so you can approach gp. You seem to be assuming it is all your fault, hopefully talking things through will help.