I have been so mean to my children and feel awful

[derryferryflush]

Ok so I feel like a terrible mum and deep down I sort of know that I am one. I put on this facade in front of people where I'm super nice and super on top of things but I'm not! My house is always a mess and by mess I mean filthy. I have two girl 3 and 5 who I barely manage to bathe every day maybe twice a week. I shout at them a lot and sometimes say mean things. I love them beyond anything in this world but I am exhausted and just wish they would listen to me. My eldest dd is super sensitive and fussy. Ridiculously fussy about getting dressed and eating the food I make. Dd2 is a bit of a rebel. A lot more resilient but probably because I wrapped her up in a great deal less cotton wool and she's seen me lose it a lot more. She just kind of gets on with things nothing much phases her. Anyway, I feel awful. I tried to get my daughter into her pj's after her bath last night and she started crying because she didn't want to wear the shorts as they were too loose and I lost my shit. Like totally lost it. I started screaming at her that I've had enough and shouting "what is wrong with you?!" She was visibly shaken and very upset but I couldn't stop myself! I carried on I know that it was abusive but I couldn't stop for a couple of minutes. I feel awful and was a again horrible to her at bedtime tonight. I don't know how I got to this point but I'm here and I really need some help. Feel totally lost.

@LIZS @SinkGirl when DD1 was 3 I seriously considered of her having some sort of sensory issue as that is when the issue with getting dressed started. Totally out of the blue half way through nursery. She had two occasions where she wet herself at nursery and she went full on fit of crying when the teachers tried to change her. Her GP and nursery teacher sort of brushed it off and looked at me like I was a bit mad when I brought it up. I researched sensory issues and it did sound like it could be something she suffers from. I have to cut off all tags and labels before she wears a garment and she will only wear 3 leggings out of dozens of bottoms. She has full on fits of crying when it's time to get dressed unless it was something she wore the day before. That being said if I forced her to wear something new she will be fine once she's got it on and we're out the door, however, I don't do that anymore as the process is quite upsetting for her. She's got several jeans she would never touch or sandals she wore a few months ago that she has now decided she won't go near. It's all a bit strange. I mean how would I find out if she has a real issue and how would it be treated? She is otherwise expected in everything at school except for language which she's excelling in but she always been a talker.

@Wynteriscoming this sounds very interesting and I'll def look into it. Thank you

@Badabingbadabum I've definitely considered antidepressants especially on my more hormonal days where is seem to a live wire. Have you had any side affects?

Keep a diary of her behaviour and approach your gp. An occupational therapist for example can help with sensory issues, but it can be a long process to get referred to one. Is noise an issue too, Crowds, changing for pe? You may find other difficulties become apparent in next few years.

@Hithere12 out of curiosity, have you ever shouted at your children?

She's ok with noise atm. I haven't noticed anything with crowds but she does have issues approaching other girls in her year group, she will get really nervous and clam up. She is not very agile but has started gymnastics to help develop in that department and has been doing ballet since she was 3 having to do a performance recently which she did very well in. She had to do several outfit changes and was ok with it. Didn't give them trouble which surprised me a fair bit. On PE days she wears her kit to school as that's how they do it there so no issues with that. One thing which I noticed and has been consistent since the getting dressed issue started is she has a difficult time transitioning from one task to another and I think there might be a connection between the two. I will definitely start keeping a diary. Thank you

@XXcstatic this advice was invaluable today. It went down really well. I'm seriously considering basing a new routine around bathing as soon as we get in. Thank you! X

I definitely need to implement a solid evening routine. It's so good to hear that I'm not the only one that went through this and there is hope. Thanks a million. I'm def going to try out your freezer days. Sounds amazing and you're right my girls would prob prefer it!

OP, I think you should try and get some professional help too. I’m sure a lot of us have also had our moments with our kids - I have myself and I’m usually really laid back. Little kids can be extremely annoying.
Unfortunately though it sounds like your behaviour is particularly bad. An occasional loud shout is one thing but saying ‘mean things’ to little kids is never ok. I obviously don’t know as I’m not there but I think you might be right when you say that you are abusive.
I think you should get proper help and find a way to stop this from happening ever again. The fact that you clearly regret shouting and being mean to your kids is good but it doesn’t mean anything if you don’t do EVERYTHING possible to stop it from ever happening again.
There is no reason why you can’t sort this out. You've probably done the most difficult thing which is admitting to yourself (and MNHQ) that your behaviour is very wrong.

I’d have been interested to see the replies if the OP had said they were male.

Ohh I wrote MNHQ but I meant to write MN Sorry

@Kyogre I had an appointment with my GP today and we talked about anger management which I def think I could benefit from and I feel a lot better knowing that I am taking steps towards improving myself. Please let me clarify that when I say "mean things" I don't mean that I call them names or swear at them. I shout and in doing so I frighten them and shouting things like "what is wrong with you?" is obviously mean. This is definitely not how I want to continue as I don't want to negatively impact their confidence and recognize that this behavior is a reflection of my own unhappiness with who I am and how I am living. There really is no justification. I appreciate your honesty and your point of view.

I think you should speak to the GP about assessment for ASD. Difficulty to transitioning from one task to another is definitely one potential sign, along with the sensory issues. It usually involves social and communication issues but girls do tend to present differently than boys (worth reading up on this). There is no treatment as such but intervention from occupational therapists can help with sensory issues.

When you feel yourself starting to get too stressed, walk off and make a note of it in a notebook
i.e. time sitiuation feeling option result
8pm wont get out of bath frustrated offer choice of pjs

This will help you recognise patterns, acknowledge your emotions, and be creative with trying new things.
If you see, for example, a pattern of bathtime trouble, rethink that situation - e.g.someone said do baths after school, which is a good idea for avoiding the tired and irritable time (for you all!).

Make targets for housework but make them achievable and realistic - today I will hoover downstairs and clear the chaos on one surface of the kitchen worktop. The OMM looks like it might be worth a try if you are disciplined, it sounds a bit full on for me as it starts with a complete clear out.
Don't keep looking for what you haven't achieved - Rome wasn't built in a day etc. But keep looking ahead and go up step by step.

It sounds like you have some childhood issues affecting you, bless you, but 100% admiration for your honesty and recognition that this is not the kind of parent you want to be.

The book is called "The book you wish your parents had read and your children will be glad that you did". I listened to it as an audiobook whilst cooking / cleaning etc.

derry I had tried a couple of antidepressants in the past which did not suit me. I was very reluctant to take anything but the anxiety was getting in the way and I wasnt enjoying things, as well as being angry, grumpy, bad tempered, just generally shit. I am taking fluoxetine and there are barely any side effects and they wore off after a couple of weeks - in the evening I get jerky legs and arms still but thats it. And I feel better.

The tablets in conjunction with counselling and generally being kinder to myself (sounds so stupid!) is working. Dh is happier and not always working now and I suddenly realised I don't have to do everything! Finding a routine that works for you does make a big difference - agreeing with dd1 what she wants to wear the night before and putting everything out ready just makes the day start better, so we leave the house in a good mood! Your dc are still young, you can change how you're feeling and behaving and they probably will barely remember shouty mummy. The longer it goes on for the harder it will be to fix.

DD is only 1 but I have snapped (badly) a few times.

You are human. The only thing you can do now is learn from it and move on. If you were a bad Mum you would not be feeling guilty and be on here asking for advice.

You apologised which is all you can do.

DH needs to step up and be a parent. Get him to do bathtime. Get a cleaner or whatever you need- can you arrange more nursery/ childcare so you can get the house together?

It will be okay.

@XXcstatic this advice was invaluable today. It went down really well. I'm seriously considering basing a new routine around bathing as soon as we get in. Thank you! X

Really pleased it helped

Definitely scale back the cooking regime you have.

Nothing wrong with frozen jacket potatoes and beans and cheese one night a week.

I only bathe my daughter twice a week don’t need it everyday
Slap round with a flannel is fine
Antibacterial wipe knobs and handles toilet seat every couple of days keep things hygienic
You sound very hard on yourself we all get to that point , a hug and an apology fixes things

OP, I have been where you are. I have 2 little girls as well and let me tell you, I have been in the exact same boat as you. Please go and see your GP you maybe suffering with depression - or another mental health problem (which I recently just discovered about myself). Do you have any support? Parents to help you? Friends? As your youngest daughter is under 5 I highly recommend a charity called “home start” (if they’re in your area, of course.) they choose a volunteer that is most suited to you and they can help with pretty much anything you need help with. Housework, they can play with DD’s while you crack on with dinner prep or have a shopping list to make. They can even help you on days out with DD’s so you aren’t stuck in and losing your shit. Very lovely charity, and worth it if you need some extra support.