Don’t want my elderly MIL to push pram /carry baby, what would you do?

[Bananayoghurt]

I’ve not given birth yet but haven’t long left!
Been getting pram and everything ready and know if DH were to take the baby to see his Mum on his own (obviously we’re talking a few months down the line here) she would want to push pram if they went for a walk.
Thing is she’s pushing 80, is physically well but is very...dippy. She has perfect hearing yet doesn’t hear when people speak to her, doesn’t hear her own phone (which has led in the past to me and DH driving to her house late at night worried only to find her watching telly), isn’t always 100% if what’s going on around her. For these reasons I feel really unhappy at the prospect of her pushing the pram or carrying our baby. Perfectly happy for her to hold baby if she’s sitting down but not to get up and move round with baba IYSWIM.

Problem is I think my DH would feel too worried about upsetting his DM to tell her she can’t push pram so I’m wondering if perhaps I should tell her myself like “only me and DH can push pram or carry baby round etc”. Would I come across as a bossy mum or is it understandable??

For the record it’s not that I dislike her at all, just because of her age and ditziness I cannot trust her to be on the ball! For the same reasons I won’t be letting younger members of our family (cousins, nieces nephews) push the pram or carry baby around.

Maybe when your tiny bundle arrives dh will realise how fragile they are and will make sure dm is being careful? My mil always used to try and grab the pram and it drove me nuts. Often took ds out and let her push an empty pram!! Get a sling op. Job done.

With regards to carrying baby around YANBU. I have had no problem with MIL carrying mine around but would not under any circumstances let FIL hold any of the children unless he was/is seated. I imagine people will tell you to consider MIL's feelings. I would say consider baby's safety over anyone or anything else I'm afraid.

I think with the pushing of the pram you'd be fine to stand close and keep an eye. Easy enough to grab the handle and help out if need be but it's your call!

If your dh is with her when they go out with your baby I really don’t see the problem. My parents and parents in law, as well as our older relatives, love to push the pram. It wouldn’t cross my mind to tell them not to.

I think you're being a tad dramatic. Given her age and fragility I'm assuming you would just be walking right next to her, within arms reach of the pram.

I totally understand about the walking around carrying baby. I would be the same.
I’m not sure I get the issue with pushing the pram though? I get that little kids are likely to go too fast or crash etc but I’m not sure I would think the same of an elderly person.

Pushing the pram when you're out seems reasonable to me and to refuse would be a bit OTT in my opinion.

However I totally agree with you with regards to frail older relatives carrying baby around the house.

How is pushing the pram while you or your DH is right there dangerous? Most prams these days are quite solid and very difficult to knock over. And you can always grab the handle if she lets go. I really think the pram is OTT.

The carrying is totally different. I do understand that and I think it’s a fair line to draw. Is MIL capable of using a sling or soft sided baby carrier? That might be a way that she could carry him with no risk of dropping.

I know you will end up insisting on these things anyway. It’s part of being a first time mom. Everyone wants a cuddle and your instinct is to keep baby with you. But I would be careful about offending your MIL about this. You are so hormonal right now and even more so after the baby comes. I think the pram is a good compromise.

Also— you need to trust your DH with the baby. His judgment is important too and if he is taking the baby out you need to feel secure that he is keeping her safe.

I let my mil push the pram - it makes her happy. But she's fairly young and healthy. I'd perhaps walk close beside her while she pushes the pram and only hand the baby over while she is sitting.

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read.

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read.

Well, I've read quite a lot on MN over a lot of years, so not sure if "the most", but certainly up there

No issue with expecting her to not walk around with baby in her arms, but how exactly do you think she is going to put the baby in danger with you or dh walking along next to her pushing the pram ??

This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever read

@ZeroFuchsGiven I agree.

This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever read
You must be new to MN?

It’s pretty batshit though.

Why can’t she push the pram, presumably you or DH will be with her?
My 90-odd year old grandma managed to push DD round the block when she was a baby. Fair enough not to carry baby if she’s not steady on her feet, sure, but I can’t see an issue with the pram.

Plenty of places you could go where she could push the buggy safely if you are worried about roads, such as parks, supermarket, promenade if you are near a beach, pedestrian only town centres etc.

I think you’re being way over the top re pushing the pram. Not letting her carry the baby around the place seems wise though.

If you don’t even have a baby yet seriously this is the last thing you should be worrying about. In the nicest possible way you are definitely overthinking.

You may find you don’t want to leave the baby for months anyway, and when you do I’m sure DH will look out for him/ her.

Just relax, enjoy your pregnancy and don’t worry about mil related stuff- you will have plenty of time for that when the baby is actually here!

You sound very anxious. I wouldn't start worrying and ruminating about as yet non-existent issues as it will make unwell. You can't plan for everything and it's likely she may actually suprise you and not try to carry baby around at all or push the pram, then all your worry has been for nothing.

My DP's mum had a stroke 20 years ago. She is paralysed on her right side and usually uses a crutch to walk. She can't carry DD but is perfectly capable of pushing her pram (and is actually more sturdy when pushing the pram then walking with the crutch). She brings DD up and down their garden and I have never felt any fear and it is a wonderful bonding time for both of them, they are exceptionally close. If you want to not let her carry the baby that is one thing but you are being precious about the pram I think.

My DM has a bad hip. Not elderly or fragile, just not that steady at walking. No way would she WANT to carry my kids around in case she fell.

Pushing the pram though is actually easier for her than walking next to it. I don’t have an issue with that at all. My 88 year old grandad is definitely on the fragile side and he loved pushing baby DD in the supermarket trolley. Easier for him than walking

You are being overdramaric and sound quite overly anxious. In the nicest possible way, please keep an eye on levels of anxiety as many find that this only gets worse when the baby arrives.

Fair enough re. not holding baby while walking around. But surely she can hold it in her arms for a minute or so while seated, if DH is supervising? As for the pram... as long as DH is with her at all times I can't imagine what you think will happen? This sort of thing never even crossed my mind when I had my little boy 8 months ago!! I was just so grateful someone else would hold him / take him for 10 minutes!! Best of luck anyway and please stop worrying about this.... there will be SO much mo43 to worry about over the upcoming months you will look back at this and wonder what you were thinking! :)

I think you're being somewhat over-anxious. But then we don't know her. Does your DH agree in principle that she wouldn't be safe doing those things? Because if he does, you just need to agree some lines to head off the suggestion. So just don't take the pram to hers, just a sling in case they go for walks. Or if she stands up with him to wander around, just take him off her and say "I'll take him, he's been a bit unsettled with being carried around today". Or something like that. I'd head off the suggestion with some standard excuses rather than saying to her you just don't want her to do it. Whether you're being unreasonable or not, I can understand why she'd be offended by that!

My exMIL was obsessed with pushing the pram. As soon as either one of us let go she'd snatch the handle. I know what you're saying and tbh it used to drive me mad because she would get so caught up in the "romance" if that's the right word, of pushing her gc in the pram that she would step into the road without looking or wander off in a different direction to us. She even had a "pram face" where her expression was kind of blank and smiling. She was 49 and in full possession of all her faculties but put a pram in front of her and she would lose her mind.

I'm not sure how to address it, for us it was a different situation as it wasn't just the pram, she'd bring me a cup of tea so she had an excuse to take the baby, she'd wake her up on purpose so that she could hold her, she wanted to take the baby to work (we took her in in the end but she was annoyed that we didn't just hand her over). We ended up handling it badly after gritting our teeth for a long time because she was just excited, ExH snapped one day and screamed at her "she's not a fucking doll!".

I'm sure if you're with her then pushing the pram would be ok, especially if you stay close enough to grab it. Maybe see how it goes. I've found though that neither of my grandmothers (a similar age) have ever tried to walk around with the baby in their arms and they are both very mobile so perhaps it won't be an issue?

You're worrying about nothing OP, I'm assuming this is your first? These things are far off into the future, don't go laying the law down in your head now over such things. Your head will be clearer then than it is now and might not even happen.

So she's a physically well woman in her late 70s with some hearing issues, but no history of falling etc (I assume, given you haven't mentioned) and you are worried about her pushing a pram?

Your DH would be right to worry about upsetting his mum over this as it's a completely ridiculous request to make.

Plus you might feel very differently when the baby gets here, I would have happily paid complete strangers my life savings to take the baby out in the pram for half an hour to let me nap on the sofa at points with non sleeping colicky babies.

There really are no limits to the ageism on Mumsnet