MIL wants to share bed with daughter, am I being irrational?

[Bbyup]

Can someone tell me if I'm being irrational,

So my daughter (11 months old) is going for her first sleepover this weekend at my partners parents I was already feeling a bit anxious about this then my partner came home and said his mum was going to go in the spare bed for the night with LO. I just felt this totally unnecessary she has slept in a cot in her own room since January. I also feel that it will be a big enough change for my daughter without being in a bed with someone she's not used to really cuddling into. I mentioned a travel cot but I could see he thought I was just trying to be awkward.

Anyway I've decided I'm totally uncomfortable with it and I want things to be as normal as possible for my daughter so I said to my MIL that I was getting a travel cot and she then said to me will she not settle in a big bed I said no and she said not even with cushions I said no (because I know for sure she will not settle for the night like this) and I said I wanted to be as normal as possible for my daughter and this included sleeping in a cot. I actually don't see any logic in her thinking at all as LO goes to bed at 7./7.30 so it means they would either have to go to bed at that time with her or check on her every two minutes as it is a big high bed they have so it would be quiet a fall. I just hate the thought of my daughter waking up and looking for me and being upset so I feel this is totally adding to my anxiety about her first over night stay. I just think it's very selfish and there was no thought as to ask me what's actually best for My daughter so it goes as smoothly as possible! I then think perhaps I'm being totally irrational!?

Any feedback appreciated,

P.s I like how she told my partner she was going to sleep with LO all night but said to me she'd be surrounded by cushions and no mention of bed share

cushions??????
(faints)

@newtlover yeahs cushions despite the fact my daughter has been well on the move for a number of months 🙄

Does she have to go there? It sounds like it’s making you really anxious and unless it’s mandatory you don’t need to be away from her.

Yanbu and my kids would have done this over my dead body at 11 months. They’ve slept over with gps about 3 times in their lives and they’re late primary school.

Cushion ffs she’s being ridiculous and controlling and doesn’t sound as though she has your dds interests at heart (or any common sense)

Not only is this unnecessary, it is potentially very dangerous. Your MIL is not accustomed to co-sleeping and there is a very serious risk of suffocation. At this juncture, I wouldn't be comfortable leaving her with your MIL. You have told her this sleeping arrangement is unacceptable and yet she has still dismissed your wishes. I don't think I'd trust her.

I wouldn't be happy with that at all, especially at 11 months. are you doing something you can't get out of? Can mil stay at yours so DD is in her own home?

YANBU make it clear it's not about her settling, it is about her safety. If she can't agree to that then she doesnt have dd for a sleep over and she won't in the future because you can't trust her to act with your daughter's safety in mind.

You need your dh on side for this. Emphasise how important it is for her safety, not about the consistency. One night out of routine probably doesnt seem that big of a deal to him but your dd falling out of a bed and potentially hurting herself hopefully should.

Ok no I would cancel this.

Your MIL clearly has no idea of what's safe sleeping and what isn't, and I wouldn't actually trust her not to go against your word. Because the reason she wants to co-sleep with her is because she wants to - wants to cuddle her all night etc.

That could be seen as perfectly lovely in theory (or totally OTT) but the fact is that at 11 months, surrounded by cushions, in a high bed in an unfamiliar place with someone who isn't used to sleeping next to a baby and may be a heavy/flailing around kind of sleeper themselves, it's not safe.

The reason I would not trust her is that she didn't mention it to you. It's something that she should have asked you about, and cleared it with you, and talked about safe sleeping etc. Instead she kind of glossed over it, presumably because she had an inkling you might not be comfortable with it.

I would cancel the sleepover - not worth the risk.

It's not safe. If you don't think she will use the travel cot I wouldn't be letting her stay with your MIL. What is it with men who can't stand up to their parents!!

YANBU

I don’t understand the desperation to have them overnight, anyway.

Do you really need MIL to have her overnight? If it's only for MIL's benefit then I'd call it off. I didn't (and was fortunate enough not to need to) have either of my DC spend the night away from me until they were old enough to talk properly and ask for what they needed. Both were 3+ before I let them stay away just for fun.

no no no. This is not safe. Your MIL just wants to cuddle her. Well, she can't - there is a real risk of suffocation because she isn't used to it.
Put your foot down OP.

Op I think you missed newt lovers point around cushion, it is in relation to the safety aspect/suffocating

I wouldn’t allow my kids to go as it’s not safe for them. My kids rarely stay away overnight but they did stay with my mum when my youngest was 11 months and slept in a cot. They don’t ever stay with my MIL for a variety of reasons (all of which dh agrees with) but she also co-sleeps with all the grandkids once they are about 2 and I don’t want my kids to do this. They sleep great in there own beds and that’s the way it will stay.

Do you trust her to put DD in a travel cot if you provide one? I would worry she'd still do the co-sleeping.

Is she actually planning on bed sharing with your baby?

The politics of parents choosing to bed share with their own babes aside, the fact she is planning to co-sleep with your baby without even discussing it with you is not ok!

What is the purpose of this sleepover, who is benefitting?
Cancel it. You're the mum, what you say goes

It doesn’t sound like your DP is with you on this one.

I wouldn't be happy for this tbh, she should be kept to her routine she knows.
I wouldn't have let anyone co sleep with my babies, just wouldn't have happened.
Just say, hell no, over my dead body, firstly to your dh.

It wouldn't bother me.
MIL generally co sleeps with DD on mattress on floor(in living room) when she goes for a sleep over (I think the first one was when DD was 4 months old).
But your kid = your rules.

Imo your dd isn't the one benefiting from a sleepover at her age. And mil gives zero care about her well being with her batshit plan. Cancel and rearrange when dd starts school and can speak out.

I’d cancel. I’d tell your DH plainly that it’s not DFE and that you feel uncomfortable so your not agreeing to the visit. She is your child and you know best, your uncomfortable because instinct is telling you this isn’t right. I wouldn’t trust her to have the baby overnight.

You have only recently put her into a cot. Unless you take that same cot into mil’s house your dd will not sleep in it as it’s a strange house. In that situation co-sleeping with someone is safest in case she tries to get up out of bed and falls.

I co-slept with all my sibling’s kids when they stayed over even when they slept at cots at home. But then I have known a 3 yo to die from a fall downstairs because of a similar situation (at granny’s house, my friend insisted he couldn’t co-sleep with mil, so nobody noticed when the baby got out of the travel cot).

I'd cancel the sleepover. What your MIL is proposing is not safe, and she is almost certainly going to do whatever she fancies despite what assurances she may make to you. She obviously has in mind a lovely night of cuddles with her GC and isn't giving proper consideration to safe sleeping or what is actually in your DC's best interests.

Absolutely fucking NOT okay.

Nope. Nope. Nope.