MIL wants to share bed with daughter, am I being irrational?

[Bbyup]

Can someone tell me if I'm being irrational,

So my daughter (11 months old) is going for her first sleepover this weekend at my partners parents I was already feeling a bit anxious about this then my partner came home and said his mum was going to go in the spare bed for the night with LO. I just felt this totally unnecessary she has slept in a cot in her own room since January. I also feel that it will be a big enough change for my daughter without being in a bed with someone she's not used to really cuddling into. I mentioned a travel cot but I could see he thought I was just trying to be awkward.

Anyway I've decided I'm totally uncomfortable with it and I want things to be as normal as possible for my daughter so I said to my MIL that I was getting a travel cot and she then said to me will she not settle in a big bed I said no and she said not even with cushions I said no (because I know for sure she will not settle for the night like this) and I said I wanted to be as normal as possible for my daughter and this included sleeping in a cot. I actually don't see any logic in her thinking at all as LO goes to bed at 7./7.30 so it means they would either have to go to bed at that time with her or check on her every two minutes as it is a big high bed they have so it would be quiet a fall. I just hate the thought of my daughter waking up and looking for me and being upset so I feel this is totally adding to my anxiety about her first over night stay. I just think it's very selfish and there was no thought as to ask me what's actually best for My daughter so it goes as smoothly as possible! I then think perhaps I'm being totally irrational!?

Any feedback appreciated,

P.s I like how she told my partner she was going to sleep with LO all night but said to me she'd be surrounded by cushions and no mention of bed share

teddybear the OP says the child has been in a cot in her own room (she doesn't say whether or not she was in a cot before that, too, just in the OP's room) since January, ie 6 months old - this isn't a recent change.

And an 11 month old is not going to be able to climb out of a travel cot. They might not be happy in it, they might not sleep in it, but they'll be perfectly safe, which can't be said about the 'co sleeping with cushions (!!!)' plan.

I think it's perfectly possible to cosleep safely. I don't think that the MIL's plan is an example of this, however.

This is insane, is it a joke? Baby should not be co sleeping with someone else, especially if baby sleeps in cot usually. Certainly shouldn't be left in a bed with cushions. Look at the daily mail and deaths from suffocation or getting trapped. Not to mention risk of falling. Completely crazy. Even if she agrees to travel cot I wouldn't be trusting her now in case.

Cushions and grandmother would be a no-go from me also.

Why does she even want to cosleep with a baby who has managed to settle well in a cot???

If you're uncomfortable or don't trust her to follow your judgement then cancel.

Cushions are a huge smothering risk. Please don’t allow this unless your MIL follows safe co-sleeping guidelines, and even then i’d Be if you don’t routinely co-sleep? Please read:
www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

This sounds like it’s all about what your MIL wants not what’s you for your DD

You have only recently put her into a cot. Unless you take that same cot into mil’s house your dd will not sleep in it as it’s a strange house

Why? . Mine went into cots in their own rooms at 6 months. They also settled perfectly well in different cots in different places (on holiday, at grandparents etc).

Also, would an 11 month old be able to get out of a travel cot?

OP, please stick to your guns ito deciding your babies care and routine.
I'm a newish grandma and no way would I do or even suggest something like this, especially if I wasn't up with the latest research, which I'm not.
She has to be prepared to do things your way, or no way.
YANBU to tell her no.

My dgd3 sleeps with my co-gm in a double bed when she stays. She won't sleep on her own, even in her own home, and always ends up in either her dm's or df's bed. I've only got bunk beds at my house so she can't sleep at mine until she can sleep on her own. If I had a double bed in the spare room, she would (complete with cushions).

Also, would an 11 month old be able to get out of a travel cot?

Of course not - very few 11 month olds could get out of a normal cot (assuming it's lowered to the bottom height as it should be) and it's much harder to get out of a travel cot due to their slippy mesh sides.

In any case, if this was a real concern the obvious solution is to sleep in the same room as the baby in the travel cot, not to put them into a bed that they can crawl or fall out of.

I honestly can't see how one person sleeping in a bed with a mobile baby can be safe unless there are bedguards (presumably not the case here). The 'just push the bed up against the wall' thing makes me shudder - the risk of the baby getting trapped between mattress and wall is real and horrifying. But otherwise you have a side that they can just fall straight off.

11mo babies (I have two of them!) need to sleep in cots so that they don't scramble about and fall out of beds. Simple.

Of course not - very few 11 month olds could get out of a normal cot (assuming it's lowered to the bottom height as it should be) and it's much harder to get out of a travel cot due to their slippy mesh sides

That’s what I thought. Plus I’m sure they’d have a baby monitor anyway, so would hear if the baby was awake?
I can’t see any way in which a travel cot is less safe than co-sleeping on a high bed, surrounded by cushions, with an adult who isn’t the child’s parent.

I'm a big co-sleeper but NO WAY would I allow this. My ds was on a mattress on the floor at 11months because they are crazy wriggly at that age and we learned the hard way the horrific noise that a baby makes when they fall off the bed. Also I wouldnt have any cushions/ pillows at that age either.

Bed sharing is a decision that the parents make, having assessed all the risks and benefits. Most people I know who do it are very cautious on making it as safe sleeping as possible. My DS's grandparents never bed shared with him.

Your DH doesnt seem to see it as an issue but please have the confidence to stand your ground on this, this is your decision to make as your baby's mother and if you don't want it to happen then insist on the cot. I wouldnt try to make excuses such as 'she wont settle in bed' just be firm and say that you want her in the cot for the sleepover as it's the most safe way of sleeping. I wouldnt have an issue of DGM room sharing, she maybe feels a little anxious putting her down and not knowing shes ok the whole night.

1. I wouldn’t leave my baby in the care of someone clueless enough to think an 11 month old might be okay in a “big bed” surrounded by cushions.
2. I wouldn’t trust someone who keeps key information from a child’s mother, such the fact they are planning to to be in the bed too, - not to do whatever they see as best irrespective of the mother’s express wishes. Is your DP pressuring you into this because him’s mummy’s giving him grief about not having your baby overnight? Is it easier for him to gaslight you, his partner and the mother of his baby, into feeling unkind and uptight, instead of growing a pair and telling his mum nicely that it’s too soon for overnights, everybody is different, blah, blah? My DDs were over 2 before they spent a night away without me there at my mum’s. A bit older before they went to MIL’s. Neither was pushing for it. They were perfectly happy seeing them during the day, usually with us around. This would make me very uneasy and your baby comes first, before other people’s wounded feelings or ideas about fairsies.

Well the cushion thing is ridiculous. She should be trying to get her to sleep in the travel cot

Thing is your dd may not settle and could end up in bed with mil anyway . So if you aren’t comfortable with the idea I would just cancel

Get your DD sleeping the travel cot in her room before you expect her to sleep in it elsewhere.

How will she stop the baby falling out of the bed during the night? She can only be on one side of her. If the other side is against a wall, is it tight enough that she can't fall into the gap? If not, it's a huge risk to her safety. If it's not against a wall, she is very likely to fall out.

What's the purpose of this 'sleepover'?

Thanks for the input everyone! Glad to know I wasn't being a total anxious first time mum.

I spoke to DP and he's on board and is going to get a travel cot but I'm going to see how I feel in the next few days and may cancel yet. I feel that if I said to her about the dangers and asked her to use the cot she would. It is just because we are attending a wedding as bridesmaid and best man and just thought it would be nice to have a carefree evening (not sure it will be that carefree I'll probably just want my baby lol) plus I'm starting a course in sept that will require her to stay with her grandparents so thought it would be good to start the odd night when required so she gets used to it.

I have grandchildren, and quite small children myself still (6 &8) so I’m probably more up to date than some grandparents

My family would always have gone along with my wishes though, as much as they could

It totally depends on how much you trust them. Even if you did, leaving baby for the first time is always hard

You are definitely not being irrational!!

My DCs have co-slept with MIL, but they co-slept with me every night and were probably nearer 2 when they started doing so with other adults. Once they were no longer confined to a cot if they want to get out of their bed and into my bed / Nana's bed / grandma's bed then that's their choice and fine by me.

However, an 11month old who isn't used to sleeping in a bed with adults is a recipe for disaster. If MIL isn't used to it then she may not wake up as soon as your DD does. If DD starts looking for you then that's going to be a tumble off a strange bed in the middle of the night. Cushions aren't going to do anything to stop an 11month old, just potentially become hazardous.

Whatever happens she'll need the travel cot anyway to settle her to sleep in in the evening. If you don't trust MIL to follow your rules then you need to postpone the sleepover until she will do what's best and safest for your baby

Lol. My OH's Nan raised him so she's like my MIL. She said once about my 9mo DD "can she not just sleep in the bed with me" (bare in mind I was co sleeping and breastfeeding at the time). I just laughed in her face. Couldn't help it 😂

My DD is 1 now and there is zero chance in hell I'd let her sleep in a bed with anyone.

YANBU.
I'd be worried too and I'm pretty laid back tbh.
It doesnt sound as though shes thought this through. 11 month olds are pretty mobile and she could easily wake and fall out of the bed if left alone. She could also easily become tangled in blankets or cushions and have trouble breathing. Shes not used to that bed so I imagine that would make her more likely try and explore.... it's just not very safe.
I'd definitely say that she either sleeps in the travel cot or she is not going to be staying overnight. And if you feel like she is not going to respect your wishes then I'd just cancel the sleepover altogether.

Would it be possible to do a trial run at MIL’s with you staying as well with DD in her travel cot, so you can set up a sort of routine for when MIL has to do it on her own, and hopefully MIL can follow. Obviously Sod’s law would be that DD won’t sleep and you end up co-sleeping with her!

Yeah my kid wouldn't be going on that trip. Batshit.

I wouldn't be happy with that at all it's only now that my DS is 2yr old that I allowed him to sleep in same bed as my own mum when she came to stay to help me out after my c section having my DD a few months ago and that was only cause my DS wouldn't settle in his own bed but if your DD is happy sleeping in her own cot I wouldn't want her being put in a bed there are so many scary risks suffocation from cushions pillows or even your MIL rolling on her as well as the fright from if she feel off the bed or got trapped etc not to mention encouraging bad habits if your DD is great sleeping in her own bed keep this up I speak as someone who made the mistake of encouraging my DS to sleep in our bed we now can't get him to sleep in his own room 😬

Just tell MIL you appreciate her looking after DD but want her to sleep in her own cot not in bed with her and if she can't abide by your rules then just don't send your DD to stay the night have a few hours out in the evening instead and pick up your DD if it was to allow you and your DH some time together

Your mother-in-law is trying to score points over you and put herself ahead of you in terms of who's in charge of your daughter

She will co-sleep and not tell you UNLESS you absolutely lay it on thick with the 'it is dangerous' line. So I really suggest you do that, but tbh I just would not take the risk at 11 months. She will be that much bigger in September and you can cross that bridge then.

Again, the reason I say this is because she didn't talk to you about it which is what she would have done if she was basically responsible and cautious, as well as respectful of you as the mother. Bedsharing is something people have strong opinions on, it is obvious that she should have discussed it with you.

So I would be cautious this time and say no. Even if you cancel 'as she's been really sniffly and sleeping poorly this week so let's try another time'