'Ideal' age gap?

[JaneGlorianaVillanueva]

What would you say is the 'ideal' age gap between children?

Smaller age gaps? waiting til one is going to school before having another?

For reference we both work full time, neither of us whole be sahp's so would be in full time nursery.

We live in the NW, own our own (3 bed) home and have a household income of around £55k.

Any advice?

It depends on your needs and priorities.

Some families aim to have kids close together for various reasons like hoping they'll be playmates (not always the case) or getting back to work sooner as they'll start school closer together, etc.

Personally, I don't think I could cope with children being only 2-3 years apart as they have too many overlapping needs.

My son is currently 4.5 and I'm in the very early stages of pregnancy with our second. My son will be in school by the time the baby's due to arrive, so I'll have time to get to know him/her without an impatient 5-year-old demanding snacks and attention every day.

I'd echo some previous comments that it is a risk to wait too long and then find out you have fertility issues. In my opinion if you are sure you want another probably safest not to leave it longer than 2.5-3 years before TTC.

Forgot to add - it also depends on your subjective experience. I was also completely repelled by the idea of having a 2nd until my son was about 4, because I found parenting so difficult and draining. See how you feel...

I have a six year old a three year old and a newborn (newborn was totally unplanned). I found my second pregnancy awful as my daughter was only two and very demanding. My third pregnancy while I was unwell for the whole lot was easier in some ways as my six year old was fantastic and my three year old was old enough to understand that I was unwell. To be honest from my personal experience I'd leave long gaps if you were able to.

18 month gap between my DC.
I found it extremely overwhelming being responsible for two babies.
It is obviously subjective but I think I'd have enjoyed motherhood more with maybe a 3/4 year gap where the eldest is in nursery/school for part of the day.

jennymac31

In an ideal world I'd love to have 3, my partner would love to have more than that as he is one of 5. HOWEVER, I will most definitely reassess this after having one and see how we manage 😂😊

@VaselineOnToast

Congratulations on your pregnancy! Hmm I think my priority is having children while maintaining a career, so maybe slightly longer age gaps would suit this better than a small age gap as pp have suggested!

Thanks everyone for all your advice and insights so far, very helpful and great discussion points for me and DP! :)

I've had lots of different age gaps with mine. 10 months. 23 months. 9 years. But my favourite is 2.6 years. They have an amazing relationship and are into the same things and play together.

I have a 1yr old and an 8 week old at the moment! So interesting reading these comments. I obviously am not very far into parenting 2 under 2 yet, but so far so good.
There are pros and cons to both small and larger age gaps.
Start with the one first and see how you feel!

10year age gap here and I wouldn't change it for a thing! Always hearing mums moaning about kids being difficult when ones a toddler and ones a baby-and I always think to myself well you chose to have them so close.
My 10 yr old is so independent but loves her baby brother so much and is enjoying helping. Honestly it's amazing to see ❤️

Always hearing mums moaning about kids being difficult when ones a toddler and ones a baby-and I always think to myself well you chose to have them so close.

A lot of pregnancies are unplanned so no maybe they haven’t chosen it?

Mine are 2 years and 8 months apart and I think it’s a great age gap. When DS2 was a baby’s dS1 was old enough to be able to help out and understand what was happening and now they’re at a great age to play together

I don't think there is an overall ideal, because everyone has different circumstances, ideas, wants, wishes and so on.
Personally I would not have another baby until my eldest is settled at school.

4 years because I had 3 miscarriages in between. You can't always plan for these things.

I have one dc aged 5 months and I think I want at least a 3 year gap. I went through a phase of being really broody when he was only 3 months! Thankfully, that passed and now the idea of being pregnant and having another tiny baby makes me feel completely repelled. Nevertheless, I absolutely love motherhood and it brings me a lot of fulfilment - it’s just very tiring and challenging too.

I don’t think you can really plan this properly until you experience the ups and downs of pregancy, birth and parenthood for yourself.

I think 3 years is good. I know many families with that gap and all happy with it.
I have 4 years between mine which was great when my youngest was new born and then really tricky when they were 2 and 6 and not into the same things at all and 2 year old stroppy!
Now at 9 and 5 it's great, get on well, 5 year old is fairly grown up for her age, 9 year old can kindly patronize her (ha ha) in a covert non mean way. It's all good.
I know families with 18 month gaps who said it was hell early doors but were then glad to have all baby stuff done and dusted early doors. I couldn't have coped w that personally though.
It was very hard to go back to sleepless nights but at least we got a short break in between!

I've 16 months between my first two, which was hard work but has been lovely as well because they have always been close & are best friends now in their 20s. Their age gap wasn't exactly planned, it took almost a year to get pregnant with DC1 so we thought it would take ages to get DC2. Nope, about 10 minutes did the trick There's a 2.5 year gap between DS2 & DS3 & they get on but aren't particularly close. There's just under 4 years between DS1 & DS3 & they are close, very different but close. I really don't think you can plan for the ideal gap, just do what suits your family circumstances at the time.

I'm definitely waiting until mine is in school to have another.
I honestly cannot imagine having two all day and continuing to work somehow. Those of you who have more than one under 5 year old, you are angels and heroes and I salute you.

If you had one at 3ish you'd get a years maternity leave so they would be starting school at 4 anyway.

(I think school is harder logistically than nursery...)

@loudnoises1 kids get a lot easier well before 5 though. I HATED the baby and toddler stage, was not my jam at all. But I had a 3 year 3 month gap and it was perfect, by the time I had DS2, DS1 was getting his 15 hours so we just paid a bit of wraparound so he had 2 days at nursery. From 3 I find them so much easier, they can talk, sleep and be bribed with food 😀 By the time maternity leave finished it was only 1 year until DS1 was at school. The problem with waiting 5 years is you're starting again so you're basically doing the baby and toddler thing for a solid 6 years, overlapping it a bit means you get through it quicker! Plus then raising 2 children who are that be removed from each other making family days harder to plan etc. Plus it was so much easier second time around as they'd play together so it wasn't quite so demanding entertaining.

2 years 4 months between DDs and it's perfect.

They both have the same interests and planning days out is easy.

There was zero rivalry / jealousy but that may have been a reflection on DD1 rather than the age gap.

Having 2 in nursery was expensive (no 30 free hours).

Due DC2 in October and there will be a three and a half year age gap.

DS has already promised he will do all nappy changes and I'll probably hold him to it.

But on a serious note, it's been lovely going through pregnancy with my son who really gets it. He's in nursery for three days and this will continue when I'm on maternity leave and then he will be going to school next September.

If I'm honest, we chose this gap because of the cost of childcare. We wouldn't have been able to afford to have two in nursery at the same time.

It depends on the temperament of the first child.

I have three children. There are 18 months between 1st and 2nd and three years between 2nd and 3rd.

My first was a content, easy baby who slept 12 hours a night from 12 weeks, was independent and not clingy at all. She barely noticed DC2 arrive and was never jealous or left out when her brother was being looked after.

My 2nd was a much more sensitive child with more tantrums and clingy behaviour. So three year gap was perfect as he was old enough to understand and he loves his little sister and is a great big brother.

So I would see what personality you get and go from there.

18 months here, and I can't recommend it highly enough!

Yes, 2 under 2 is tough going, but it's a dim and distant memory, and has long since come into its own.

DC1 doesn't remember a time before DC2, they're into many of the same things (definitely helped that DS came before DD), and they get on really well. Obviously that has nothing to do with the age gap.

They know each other's friends and are happy to hang out with them.

I went for this age gap as it's what I had with my brother and we're really close.