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Original poster

Snapped and shouted at toddler

47 replies

LooUpdate · 27/05/2019 09:30

I'm a single mum. I have a toddler who's almost 2, a 8 year old with Autism and a 7 year old.

This weekend I had all three on my own. The toddler is normally a handful but yesterday he was particularly bad: throwing things on the floor, winging every minute (not an exaggeration) and worstly, banging his head on the floor multiple times.

I made it through the weekend until around 3pm Sunday when suddenly I snapped. Toddler was winging yet again and I suddenly screamed "STOP BEING SO NAUGHTY!!" My two eldest children were shocked as I never shout normally. All three children started crying and then I started crying. My eldest two children are the most well-behaved docile children you could wish to meet (yep, they have a different father). I've never had any issues with them so to upset them like this makes me feel so shit. I'm a good mother when I'm mothering only them but when their little brother is around the stress levels rise and I'm shit.

What I found most scary is that there was no foresight or decision-making when I snapped. I didn't think "okay, I'm going to shout". Before my brain had kicked in I was screaming. There was literally no logical choice in that moment. I lost control.

OP posts:
KnittingForMittens · 27/05/2019 09:34

You've got a lot on your plate so it does not surprise me that you've had to raise your voice. Neither of us are perfect love, we have all done it! If a mother put their hand up now and say they've never shouted at their toddler/children then they'd be lying! Have you tried talking to a GP or someone from the National Autistic Society? It may not be your child with autism that's causing this, but it cannot be helping matters. Is there anyone in your family that could have the kids for a few hours/overnight so you can recharge your batteries? You sound like you need a break. Lots of (((hugs)))

SoHotADragonRetired · 27/05/2019 09:37

We've all done it. Honestly. It's not great no, but it will not permanently damage your children and you are not a terrible mother. I know I've shouted at my 4yo and I don't have an autistic child to deal with.

Is there anyone you can reach out to for support.

PotteringAlong · 27/05/2019 09:38

I think everyone shouts at some point...

Interested in this thread?

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7 year olds 8 year olds Families General parenting
formerbabe · 27/05/2019 09:39

Go easy on yourself. You have a lot on your plate. Toddlers are exhausting on their own, let alone with another two children to look after. I hope you can get a break soon...sounds like you need it.

HJWT · 27/05/2019 09:40

You shouted... its not the end of the world ! My DD will cry when I shout because she KNOWS I don't shout unless she is being very naughty! Give your self some slack your doing a great job with what you have to juggle xx

Mrsjayy · 27/05/2019 09:42

We all have our limits you reached yours, it is ok to be cross on occasion and loosing your rag like that happens to all of us your 2 year old sounds exhaustig

Lisette1940 · 27/05/2019 09:45

We've all done it, me included. I was at the end of my tether one day. Flowers

Original poster
LooUpdate · 27/05/2019 09:53

Thank you everyone. I needed the reassurance. I really, really don't want my kids to see me in the state I was in yesterday.

Toddler is only 22 months :(

Sorry to drip, but he's the result of a very abusive relationship (non molestation order in place to protect me although he has contact with his dad). He is so very different from my other two children personality-wise. He has a blank stare when he's being naughty. I worry his fathers' behaviour is somehow genetic. But I'm also mindful that I may be projecting onto the poor child. I love him to bits. He's adorable. But he's a whirlwind of destruction. I never experienced this with the other two.

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SallyWD · 27/05/2019 09:55

Oh bless you. You're doing a brilliant job if you don't usually shout. I know exactly what you mean about losing control. Those moments where you suddenly find yourself doing something without any warning or forethought. It's very scary. It's happened to me maybe 4 times where I've found myself losing it, maybe grabbing hold of my child and yelling. I think "Where the he'll did that come from?!". I always worry about what else I could have done it that moment. The fact is you only shouted, nothing more! Don't worry. Sending love.

Mrsjayy · 27/05/2019 09:56

Have you spoken to a HV about his behaviour if he is more "challenging" than your others were then you might need to ma age him differently

Mrsjayy · 27/05/2019 09:58

I meant manage his behaviour differently not him

Freyasmum1 · 27/05/2019 10:04

I shout like that nearly every day at least once Blush
My middle child is the devil, though

Original poster
LooUpdate · 27/05/2019 10:12

I feel incredibly guilty towards the eldest two. I am worried about the youngest.

Yet we have social services involvement (due to his dad's behaviour) so I cannot voice concerns. He's on a child protection plan.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 27/05/2019 10:25

If he is on a cpp then are you frightened to mention his behaviour to social services or you are struggiling with him

Original poster
LooUpdate · 27/05/2019 10:41

Mrsjayy both.

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Original poster
LooUpdate · 27/05/2019 10:42

The cpp is because of his fathers' history of domestic abuse with multiple exes. My other two children are not on a cpp.

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Mrsjayy · 27/05/2019 10:45

Yeah I understood that you musn't be frightened though if you approach your SW they might be able to help you with his behaviour you shouldn't feel alone.

MoodLighting · 27/05/2019 10:47

We all lose control and shout - I know I have! Don't beat yourself up about it.

However, from the very little you've written it sounds like the bond with your youngest might have been impacted by his Dad's actions? Can you seek help for that? It would be damaging to be thought of as the "bad kid".

Original poster
LooUpdate · 27/05/2019 10:48

Mrsayy SS are very satisfied that I'm protecting toddler from viewing domestic abuse (their main concern). They are due to remove my child from the cpp in less than three months. If I mention the behaviour now, they will keep him on it, and that just adds extra stress (I have to deal with multiple meetings, child protection conferences, court attendances). Of course, father doesn't show up and SS don't seem to care. It's ME they investigate as toddler's primary parent. They can't see the point of engaging with father.

I'm considering going to a private child psychologist? They would be less likely to refer to SS?

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Original poster
LooUpdate · 27/05/2019 10:49

It would be damaging to be thought of as the "bad kid".

Absolutely. I don't want him to be a scapegoat :( That would be so cruel.

But he really truly is so different from the other two. Several people have observed and agreed.

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Rhinosaurus · 27/05/2019 10:54

Why are you putting him coming off the CP plan above being honest with SS? They have access to psychology services and as a child on a CP plan he will have more support open to him than a child who is not. Have you researched the effects of hearing/witnessing DV on children? His dysregulated behaviour seems typical of that.

Mrsjayy · 27/05/2019 10:55

All that sounds shit I am sorry you are going through all that . It is normally the resident parent who has more hoops to bloody jump through while the other pare nt swans about with not a care in the bloody world. Personally i would wait untill he is past 2 if you are planni g to go private with him he is still a baby.

Catren · 27/05/2019 11:01

Just adding to the sentiment that we're not perfect, it's not great but you won't have done any damage. Sometimes it's almost helpful to show your children that you're human too- you can lose it, cry, get over it and then have a hug and all be ok. Sounds like you have a lot on, be kind to yourself love!

Original poster
LooUpdate · 27/05/2019 11:04

Why are you putting him coming off the CP plan above being honest with SS

Did you read the above? The reason he is on the cpp is because of his fathers' behaviour and yet they have given up on working with him because he is uncooperative. Do you know the stigma of having a child on a cpp not to mention the immense scrutiny and all the meetings? Add this to working part-time, having an Autistic child and another child.

They have access to psychology services

Have you seen the waiting list? My other child took 3 YEARS to be diagnosed with Autism despite school being 100% certain. And yes they are the same service.

Have you researched the effects of hearing/witnessing DV on children? His dysregulated behaviour seems typical of that

My eldest 2 witnessed it too (emotional abuse).

Mrsjayy if this is an attachment issue, this can only be addressed whilst child is a toddler. And then it is too late.

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Wallywobbles · 27/05/2019 11:06

Stress of going through court was a total killer for me and I shouted way more. The kids completely understood. Just don't keep them in the dark. Explain what's going on with you. They also got stressed by it all and their behavior changed too. It's normal. Eventually you'll hopefully be in a safe permanent situation and then it'll calm right down.