Snapped and shouted at toddler

[LooUpdate]

I'm a single mum. I have a toddler who's almost 2, a 8 year old with Autism and a 7 year old.

This weekend I had all three on my own. The toddler is normally a handful but yesterday he was particularly bad: throwing things on the floor, winging every minute (not an exaggeration) and worstly, banging his head on the floor multiple times.

I made it through the weekend until around 3pm Sunday when suddenly I snapped. Toddler was winging yet again and I suddenly screamed "STOP BEING SO NAUGHTY!!" My two eldest children were shocked as I never shout normally. All three children started crying and then I started crying. My eldest two children are the most well-behaved docile children you could wish to meet (yep, they have a different father). I've never had any issues with them so to upset them like this makes me feel so shit. I'm a good mother when I'm mothering only them but when their little brother is around the stress levels rise and I'm shit.

What I found most scary is that there was no foresight or decision-making when I snapped. I didn't think "okay, I'm going to shout". Before my brain had kicked in I was screaming. There was literally no logical choice in that moment. I lost control.

The kids completely understood.

I can't explain to a 22 month old :(

We are in a safe perminent situation now but his behaviour is actually getting worse.

Can you explain what his behaviour is actually like op?

Can you explain what his behaviour is actually like op?

Yep. Whinging every minute (this grates on everyone), throwing things on the floor (including meals), banging his head on the floor multiple times - several times a day, always when he's not getting his own way (e.g. when I'm too busy to breastfeed). He's also rough with our kitten. He never sits still except when strapped into his highchair.

I never experienced this when the other children were toddlers. I'm out of my depth :(

I suppose SS have different resources in different areas, so can only speak for my locality.

The issues are with your ex and it does seem unfair you have the SS involvement, but the CPP is in place to ensure that you are continuing to be protective against your ex.

Your other children may have also witnessed the abuse, but if you were carrying your youngest at the time of the abuse the cortisol caused by your stress can affect the developing baby’s brain, I am not being judgemental, but you need to consider whether there is an underlying cause to his behaviour in order for you to address it.

Well if you are out of your depth then i think you need help and also you might need to parent him differently to your other children do you have a childrens centre near you? I don't think he will "behave" of his own accord it will just manifest into other behaviour as he gets older and I think you need to seek support maybe from a parenting course or something.

Mrsjayy thank you for your advice. Yes I have a local children's centre. Do you think his behaviour could possibly be genetic? That is what worries me most.

I have no idea about genetics but Ido think you can turn his behaviour around with the right support emotional trauma in babies and toddlers mannifests differently to older children like the Pp said if he was present during the DV it might have impacted on him. Btw none of that is your fault the blame lies with his father.

Mrsjayy it doesn't help that his father says he doesn't headbang as often with him. He also says he cannot see the problem :(

Personally i wouldn't discuss his behaviour with him he will just find it as a stick to poke you with.

I don't think his behaviour is genetic, OP, but I'm not an expert. What I suspect from your posts is that you're all under an enormous amount of stress and he's picking up on it and dealing with it differently to the ways your older children manage it. Coupled with your fears about his father, you're probably panicking that he's going to turn out the same, and he's vibing off that fear.

I shouted at my DD yesterday. She's 15 months old. I felt desperately ashamed of myself for snapping and she cried, too. She then spent the rest of the day following me around shouting "No!" at me and wagging her finger. Gutted. But there's very few of us who can say with absolute honesty that we haven't done it, so please don't beat yourself up too badly.

Also, second what @Mrsjayy has said. Don't discuss any problems with his Dad. Your DS probably isn't the same with him as he is with you - but your his primary caregiver, and he feels safe expressing his feelings around you in a way that he probably doesn't when he's with his DF. That does mean that the emotional labour is left to you, but also do yourself a favour and think about what that means - you've succeeded in creating a safe environment for your DS. That's fucking brilliant work, given the circumstances.

I agree we have all done it and you need to not worry about it so much regardless of what has gone on you are a human and not 1 of us is a perfect parent.

Of course he doesn’t headbang as much with his father, presumably there aren’t also two older children around and his time with his father is more towards 1:1 than you can provide?

As adults we cope with stress and worry with a variety of sophisticated (and some not so sophisticated) strategies, if a small child is distressed or upset their way of coping is to “act out” which can be violent, dysregulated and disruptive behaviour. Why isn’t the social worker or a family worker doing some one to one parenting work with you? Perhaps because they are not aware there is an issue because you tell them all is ok - by you not being open with them your child could be missing out on extra support. Even if they close the CPP, if behaviour issues are not addressed now they will likely re-arise later when he is older, for instance when he starts school and you could find yourself with social care involvement again. Parenting programmes are linked to social care anyway, so your social worker will be aware you are accessing a parenting programme.

I realise that you probably m won’t respond to me as you don’t like what I am saying about you not being transparent to social care. You are probably the same in the CP meetings and don’t take on board concerns if you don’t like what they are saying.

Your aim shouldn’t be to get the CPP plan closed at any cost, but to reflect why social care are involved and work with them to get things to a place where the plan can close - your child is clearly still having contact with his abusive father if he is saying his behaviour is different with him, perhaps they are concerned about this contact?

Have you asked your HV or GP for a referral to a paediatrician to assess whether your youngest child could also be on the autistic spectrum?

Thank you for your support everyone.

Parenting programmes are linked to social care anyway, so your social worker will be aware you are accessing a parenting programme.

Even private providers? I believe a lot of people go private to bypass 'the system'.

your child is clearly still having contact with his abusive father if he is saying his behaviour is different with him, perhaps they are concerned about this contact?

They were concerned, yes. That's exactly why my older children are not on a cpp - they don't see him anymore.

But what can I do about that? I will be understood as a bitter bully if I stop my child seeing his dad (by the child when he's older, by society, by my own guilt). Plus, to be honest, I'm desperate for the childcare to stay mentally afloat (and no SS don't offer childcare, I am 100% certain of that).

Have you asked your HV or GP for a referral to a paediatrician to assess whether your youngest child could also be on the autistic spectrum?

No, I have not. Because it will alert SS to something being wrong.

Also, my autistic child behaved very different as a baby. Very introverted.

Private childcare providers and all professionals working with children have to follow their LSCB guidelines, and should ask if children are subject to multi agency plans.

You need to be very vocal about your about ex’s non attendance at meetings, conferences, visits by the SW and keep raising it to the SW, the chair, the HV, everybody involved.

Autism presents in many different ways, that is why it is a spectrum - attachment issues and some ASC symptoms are identical.

I mean this gently, but you are worrying about alerting SS to there being something wrong - your child has reached the threshold for a CPP, SS don’t put children on plans for nothing or on a whim, or because they don’t like the parents - they already know that something is wrong.

Not much advice but a handhold OP
I never ever shout at children and this morning I did and I DC was crying and I was crying...
I am pregnant and tired and he was winging the entire day which is so stressful.
I cried and apologised, he gave me a kiss and a hug.

I do not agree with shouting but I am human and I shall think hard about how to handle stress next time.
But this morning I just could not.

Sorry I meant explain the situation to your older children who you said were very shocked by your behavior.

@freyasmum1 me too! I dread to think what the neighbours think.

I don’t think the behaviour is genetic, I do think you hit the nail on the head when you said you’re projecting your own feelings about his Father onto him. He is not his Father although I can fully appreciate the fact you must see elements of him there every day which is difficult beyond all measures.

He sounds like a very typical almost two year old if I’m being honest OP. They’re all little rascals at times, some more than others. I would drop a mention with your HV rather than SW, no idea how SS works but can understand wanting to get them off your case.

Oh and don’t worry on the shouting front, we’ve all been there.