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Original poster

Ah pair for sahm?

41 replies

Cheeseandpickle1 · 26/05/2019 10:15

Hello everyone,
I’m a sahm to my 8m old DS and my nearly 3yr old DS also my step daughter who is 14.
My SD is great and she helps me with the boys but she also has after school activities and her studies so she can’t always help me with the boys.

DS1 attends nursery 4 days a week so during that time I’m with the baby. My DH works abroad and comes home every 6 weeks.

Anyway I’m feeling as if I’m at my wits end with my sons. DS2 is still breastfeeding and takes hours to get to sleep at night, he needs to be laying on my chest and patted on the back and it takes a long time for him to settle. Not to mention the waking during the night for feeds. So I have little to no sleep at night. I still co-sleep with them both.

I’m mostly at home on my own and I feel like I need some extra support. I have my parents who live close but they work and I’ve never felt comfortable with just springing the kids on them last minute.
I’ve always got a million things to do in the home what with the endless amounts washing and standard tidying etc.

Is there any sahm’s out there who have an au pair and have any advice on the pros or cons. I have found a girl who wouldn’t live with us as she lives with a parents but she would come from 3-8pm to help out after nursery and around dinner time, bathing the children etc.
She wouldn’t be there in replacement of myself so that I could swan off to yoga or to the spa. (even though I’d love thatWink)
She would simply work with me with the homely activities with the children. I would also love to go to the bathroom without needed to leave the door wide open, or simply have a bath.. a bath, I can’t even remember what they feel like.

As I am like a single parent I’m basically good cop and bad cop but I fee mostly bad cop, as I’m always tired and to be quite honest I feel and seem miserable. I’m bored of my own voice on repeat “put that down, don’t touch that, don’t bite your brother, no kicking” I feel like a broken record.

Please none of the comments like “your a sahm, isn’t that your job”. Believe it or not it’s really not beneficial.

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NataliaOsipova · 26/05/2019 10:19

Sounds like a good idea to me. I know a few SAHMs who had au pairs; it allowed people with three kids not always to focus on the needs of the youngest and meant kids weren’t always in the car waiting for a sibling to finish an activity.

AbbyHammond · 26/05/2019 10:22

That's not an au pair - it's a mother's help.

You will need to employ her properly, pay minimum wage, deduct tax etc. I'm presuming when you say 'girl' she is an adult?

I don't see a problem though, I'm more or less a SAHM and have a nanny.

Pipandmum · 26/05/2019 10:26

Sounds like a good idea to me but she isn’t an au pair. Go for it!

Interested in this thread?

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Qweenbee · 26/05/2019 10:31

Single mothers have it hard whether they are sahm or not. You are effectively a single mother. If you can afford it, go for it.

MummyBear2352 · 26/05/2019 10:41

If you feel it would help you, go for it.

It would basically be like having a partner coming home from work. Sometimes the thought of my husband coming in to help/take over & give me a break was the only thing that got me through the day...and I only had one baby!

Frazzled2207 · 26/05/2019 10:45

Sound like a good idea but again it's not an au pair.

My husband wasn't away but it was pretty tough going with a baby and toddler at home, and that was with regular help from my parents AND in laws. Assuming you can afford to pay her I think it sounds like a great idea. Things will feel easier in a few months though.

Mediumred · 26/05/2019 10:49

Sounds like a good idea and you could really do with some help with your husband away so much. But I do wonder if a sleep consultant might be more helpful. It sounds v hard at night, are you happy co-sleeping with both of them? Good luck with whatever you decide.

converseandjeans · 26/05/2019 10:49

It is mother's help. If you are pretty much a single Mum then as others have said it's like having partner home from work.
I would be expecting a 14 yo to help with baby and toddler. Not her responsibility.
Also - saying this to help & can see how it happened - but you really need both children in their own beds in a separate room from you. The arrangement you have at the moment must be quite intense. Maybe work on the eldest first - do you have room set up for them? You could do a different post on here asking for advice on this? If you did have spare cash perhaps invest in sleep consultant first to get that sorted & the rest may fall into place. If toddler is at nursery 4 days it should not be too much hard work if they sleep separately.

converseandjeans · 26/05/2019 10:50

Would not be expecting 14 yo to help

puppylovebaby · 26/05/2019 10:55

My friend was in the same situation as you and she put her children into nursery 4-5!days a week from 3 months. The hours varied but due to her DH being away, she found running the house, going to the gym, gardening etc it was the best thing. I remember being a bit surprised but looking back she was so right!!

seven201 · 26/05/2019 11:11

If you can afford it, do it. She definitely isn't an au pair tho

thetonsillolith · 26/05/2019 11:21

Please make sure that this woman you may EMPLOY is properly remunerated for her work.

stucknoue · 26/05/2019 11:45

It's normally called a "mothers help" rather than au pair as they aren't in sole charge but I did know several people in similar circumstances who had someone (typically an older lady actually) 2-3 days a week partly just to feel less overwhelmed. I do wonder if a housekeeper is an option again part time but a wider remit than just cleaning so you can have maybe 2-3 hours to yourself once a week. Do check payment arrangements if you go down the route of the person you know as they cannot legally be classed as an au pair thus need to be paid in accordance with minimum wage legislation for their age (an au pair has to live in and receive that as part of their package as well as a payment)

whathaveitakenon · 26/05/2019 11:49

With the admin that goes into having an employee (because that's what she would be), it might be easier and more cost effective to find a childminder nearby with space for a baby for a few afternoons or mornings a week, or the nursery where your older child goes.

Your situation sounds relentless, and it would probably be brilliant to hand the two of them off for a few hours, rather than having a mother's help + the baby + all the other stuff at home with you all the time. I'd be looking for a 100% child free breather in your circumstances.

converseandjeans · 26/05/2019 11:53

Agree with others that putting the baby in nursery might be good idea. Or find childminder. Mine had to go at 6 months due to me going back to work. Even 1 day a week? Also what about a cleaner??

BogglesGoggles · 26/05/2019 11:55

If you can afford to get help absolutely do.

WalterIris · 26/05/2019 12:06

I think help would be a good idea, but someone like you mentioned ould be a mothers help or nanny, not an aupair (an au pair always lives as part of the family)

I wonder if they would be cost effective or would be mixed with whether better at cleaning than childcare or vis versa.

I think in your senario I wouldn't get a mothers help/nanny. I would get 3 different people.

  1. Put 8 month in the same nursery as 3 year old, 1 day per week, even just 9-1pm. Giving you actually free time a few hours per week to take yoga/ sleep/ quiet coffee/ read in peace.

  2. Get an actual cleaner once per week. They will clean house far better than au pair/ mothers help as just focus on one thing

  3. find a reliable babysitter, could be the lady you mentioned, who can cover one evening per week 5-9pm when you can actually make plans and go out. Book different day to nursery day.

That would free up one morning completely child free to relax, one evening if you want to take a class or meet friends, and get bulk main cleaning done.

Original poster
Cheeseandpickle1 · 26/05/2019 13:28

I had a sleep consultant for DS1 when he was a baby as he was a terrible sleeper too. Only falling asleep on the boob and as soon as I put him down he would wake. I found co-sleeping while breastfeeding so much easier when they were younger but now they both wake each other up in the night and me!

The sleep consultant was good at the start, I followed her rules I even slept on the floor in the nursery and it went on for over 5 days I caved in I felt more exhausted than ever. Again I was on my own so I couldn’t function during the day. My boys are very stubborn.
I also tried the same method with the baby and he cried for 2 hrs straight. Got himself so worked up at the end of it. He slept in the end but 2 hrs later woke up and wouldn’t settle back down. After this happened I called the sleep consultant and she didn’t even reply to my message or email. I felt left in the dark at that point! Spent £500 for nothing and didn’t want to spend anymore for the same thing to happen again.

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Original poster
Cheeseandpickle1 · 26/05/2019 13:38

That’s my thinking to it will be another adult to talk to.
As for my step daughter helping me, I don’t think it’s out of this question a 14 yr old helping me. We are family and they are her brothers and I’m her step mum, why is it so out of the question for her to help me with them.
It is absolutely intense, My toddler has his own room and a big boy bed but he won’t sleep in there on his own. I have to run his back to get him to sleep then sneak off, he then wakes up in the night looking for me. My room is in the loft and he is on the middle floor, so I don’t like the idea of him walking around in the dark trying to find me. Plus I was finding myself running up and down the stairs in the night in the dark just to keep settling them both. The baby has his own room too, a cot. Again he wakes up as soon as he can’t feel me close. I can’t even tell you the last time I had a good night sleep I feel like a zombie all of the time.

Regarding a sleep consultant I had one with my oldest when he was a baby and she was good at the start, I followed her rules I even slept on the floor in the nursery and it went on for over 5 days I caved in I felt more exhausted than ever. Again I was on my own so I couldn’t function during the day. My boys are very stubborn.
I also tried the same method with the baby and he cried for 2 hrs straight. Got himself so worked up at the end of it. He slept in the end but 2 hrs later woke up and wouldn’t settle back down. After this happened I called the sleep consultant and she didn’t even reply to my message or email. I felt left in the dark at that point! Spent £500 for nothing and didn’t want to spend anymore for the same thing to happen again.

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Original poster
Cheeseandpickle1 · 26/05/2019 13:41

converseandjeans
Regarding not expecting a 14 yr old to help. She actually does and that’s my step daughter and she helps me with her brothers, why don’t wouldn’t she? We are a family. I know plenty of children younger than that who help out with their baby siblings. So I do everything I do for my step daughter and I can’t expect a little bit of help or compassion? I don’t raise my children to not help, if they certainly can.

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Cheeseandpickle1 · 26/05/2019 13:57

NataliaOsipova

I agree with that, thank you for your reply.

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Original poster
Cheeseandpickle1 · 26/05/2019 13:59

puppylovebaby

Yes I would actually love to get back to the gym too! As mothers we get so caught up on just the children that we forget about ourselves. Thank you.

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Original poster
Cheeseandpickle1 · 26/05/2019 14:01

stucknoue

Thank you for your advice I shall take that on board. Yes it’s more mother’s help you are right. I actually already have a cleaner she comes every two weeks to give the house a good clean and I do the inbetween week.

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Original poster
Cheeseandpickle1 · 26/05/2019 14:04

whathaveitakenon

So I have looked into him going to nursery with his brother but unfortunately they now have changed the rules, they don’t take children under the age of 2! Which is a real shame as my older started nursery from 1yo.

I like the idea of still having the baby in the house with me so that I know what’s going on but just myself not having to hold him the whole time would be a help.
Thanks for your reply.

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Original poster
Cheeseandpickle1 · 26/05/2019 14:08

converseandjeans

Yes see I have cleaners they come every other week to do a deep clean. So in between then I have to just do the tidying and light cleaning. It’s the tidying up the toys the cooking and endless amounts of washing that’s 24/7 Grin

Unfortunately the nursery my son attends now have changed their rules. They don’t take children under the age of 2 which for me is a real shame. I don’t like the idea of sending him to one nursery to let him settle down and then at the age of 2 move him to be with his brother. Also my ds nursery is on my doorstep, we literally walk to school it’s so close so I would have to then get In The car and take the baby elsewhere. Plus many nursery’s around here want minimum 3 full days which works out costly!

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