Ah pair for sahm?

[Cheeseandpickle1]

Hello everyone,
I’m a sahm to my 8m old DS and my nearly 3yr old DS also my step daughter who is 14.
My SD is great and she helps me with the boys but she also has after school activities and her studies so she can’t always help me with the boys.

DS1 attends nursery 4 days a week so during that time I’m with the baby. My DH works abroad and comes home every 6 weeks.

Anyway I’m feeling as if I’m at my wits end with my sons. DS2 is still breastfeeding and takes hours to get to sleep at night, he needs to be laying on my chest and patted on the back and it takes a long time for him to settle. Not to mention the waking during the night for feeds. So I have little to no sleep at night. I still co-sleep with them both.

I’m mostly at home on my own and I feel like I need some extra support. I have my parents who live close but they work and I’ve never felt comfortable with just springing the kids on them last minute.
I’ve always got a million things to do in the home what with the endless amounts washing and standard tidying etc.

Is there any sahm’s out there who have an au pair and have any advice on the pros or cons. I have found a girl who wouldn’t live with us as she lives with a parents but she would come from 3-8pm to help out after nursery and around dinner time, bathing the children etc.
She wouldn’t be there in replacement of myself so that I could swan off to yoga or to the spa. (even though I’d love that)
She would simply work with me with the homely activities with the children. I would also love to go to the bathroom without needed to leave the door wide open, or simply have a bath.. a bath, I can’t even remember what they feel like.

As I am like a single parent I’m basically good cop and bad cop but I fee mostly bad cop, as I’m always tired and to be quite honest I feel and seem miserable. I’m bored of my own voice on repeat “put that down, don’t touch that, don’t bite your brother, no kicking” I feel like a broken record.

Please none of the comments like “your a sahm, isn’t that your job”. Believe it or not it’s really not beneficial.

WalterIris
Thank you for your reply, unfortunately I cannot send him to ds nursery as they now only take children from the age of 2! It’s a real shame, ds nursery is on the doorstep. It’s a walk away, So I would walk ds to nursey then have to get In the car to take baby to his nursery. Plus nursery’s around here tend to want a minimum of three days or a couple of full days. Which would end up to be rather costly.

I actually have cleaners they come every other week for a deep clean so inbetween then I just need to get the house a light spritz. It’s the endless amounts of washing, tidying toys and general cooking that’s never ending.

Maybe I should speak to this lady I have found and see if she could do some babysitting.
She has asked for a set amount weekly and has agreed to do from 3-8pm to help out while I cook she can bath them and get the ready for bed while I shower and cook. I’m yet to meet her for a trial day.

Can you swap rooms to the middle floor and let DSD have the loft as a temporary measure?

I had 3 under two with no help cleaner or babysitting - it’s tough but short term!

Decide on a day off - do nothing but feed the kids and ignore the housework - you catch up just as quick the next day

Washing - get decent dryer and don’t wash stuff that’s fairly clean.

Pay DSD to clean the kitchen after tea, so she feels like she’s helping and gets some reward. They are your children not hers.

You could also pay her to do ironing or other housework

Drop your standards!!

Cheese - just make sure you understand all your responsibilities as an employer, as you can face big fines if you don't do everything legally.
Remember you have to provide a contract and at least 5.6 weeks paid holiday.
As you'll be paying over £200 a week you will need to operate PAYE and deduct her tax and NI, and also pay your own employers' NI.
Make sure you understand your responsibilities regarding operating a pension scheme and your contribution, sick pay and maternity leave and pay.
You can use a payroll company if it is easier.

If you can afford it, why not? And if you want an hour at the gym whilst au pair is there, again, why not? I'm sure your husband manages a few hours to himself outside of working!!

Plenty of women I know don't work and have domestic staff. You are giving someone a job, there doesn't need to be any sort of justification.

cheese your eldest will be getting geared up for school this time next year. So it does not matter too much if they are in same childcare setting.

Honestly you need to get them both sleeping through in their own rooms. But that is a different thread I think. I would tackle one at a time. It will be hard but it will make your life more manageable as a relatively single parent. There will be people who can advise you better than me.

In the meantime I would say the home help is a good interim solution. However you still get no real down time as you will be working together rather than her taking on both kids. So the only way you will achieve a moment to yourself is to implement sleep routine so both are in bed through the night.

You do need some space each week to yourself.

Also you might need to look at room layout as you can't sleep on different floor I don't think.

Why can't you sleep on a different floor?

From what you’ve written there’s seems to be two things that will help - some time to yourself to meet other people or just have some peace and a good nights sleep.
So a priority has to be getting your children into their own beds overnight. If you are co-sleeping but all waking each other up, there seems to be no benefit in co-sleeping.

I think I'd get someone capable of sole charge of the children. I don't think it'll be that restful if you're all at home especially if you're cooking or doing chores.

You might feel more re-charged if you send them on a walk so you can relax at home or you leave the house to go for a walk or do something fun.

I am a SAHM of six kids age 11 down to 8 months , including a DS with autism. I have a mothers help every day 3-8pm as my DH is never back from work until 8pm, and it's a godsend. I'd say help in my own house is so much better than a nursery you have to take them to; they can help with a variety of things and you can have one to one time with different kids in turn,
I also have a DSD who lives with us (older though, 18) and she has NEVER helped with the younger ones. I deliberately ensured she hasn't as I never wanted her to resent the situation- it was my choice to have so many children, not hers. Maybe it's because I am a bit embarrassed for having six, maybe I'd be different with only two. I'm not saying my way is "better" ....it's just different.

abby because neither will sleep through & the 3yo could well start wandering about looking for his Mum if he's not used to being in his own room.

When your DH is home, how long is he back for? That may be the time to move the older boy to his room. You need support for that one, it may take a bit of time but persistence and consistency is important.

Get a baby gate for his room door and monitor so you know when he gets up. That way he is safe and contained until you get to him.

The mothers help sounds like a great plan, wish I could afford one!

rach1213

Wow! Good on you! I know I couldn’t do that.
See my SD and toddler have such a great bond, they often just watch a movie together in her room. So for her watching the boys doesn’t feel like a chore. She is extremely spoilt from DH, all of them are, so I know she doesn’t feel anyway negative to helping me with them.

I’m meeting with the lady on Thursday to have a kind of trial run as such to see how she gets on with the kids.
Thank you for your kind reply.

GassyAss

I definitely agree with you. The situation is that when my DH comes home which is roughly every 6 weeks, sometimes more sometimes less. He still works in our office during the evening, so comes to bed late. He is also a terrible snorer so when he does come home he sleeps in the toddlers room and myself upstairs with the baby.
I couldn’t agree more though, the boys need to be in their own room. I think what with nursing on demand and never having a dummy, DS2 suckles on me repeatedly in the night. So I know he would wake up during the night crying for me. Then if he cries he will wake up the toddler. I think in a way I’m being a bit lazy about the sleep routine only because I know it’s going to be tough!

SnowdropFox

I never even thought of getting a gate for his room that’s a good idea. At least he won’t wander around looking for me.

When my DH comes home sometimes it’s literally just from Friday-Sunday. Other times it’s longer, it all depends.
I do need to tackle to sleeping arrangement, maybe I can start with this with support when the lady starts.