Narcissistic Mother

[LittleMia]

As some background, I have a very difficult relationship with my mother. My parents had a terrible marriage and they finally split after 29years of marriage when my sister and I were just entering our 20's. Someone suggested that she may have narcissistic tendencies so I started reading up on it and I can definitely identify traits.

My terror is that I am also a narcissistic mother. I have 3 boys (1 is a newborn) and for example, I get them to help with chores. Just small things like dishwasher each day and put away clothes but this came up on the list of traits. The older 2 also play sports competitively and the younger of the two has been selected as showing particular talent. As such, he receives private tuition whilst my oldest doesn't. He would like to but the coach wouldn't support that but supports his interest more generally . This was highlighted as favouritism and again narcissism. I guess the biggest thing that stood out was asking children to pay for things and I have done this in the past... on their sport rather than fill the house with plastic nonsense...

But am I completely falling into the trap?!? I have really suffered as a result of the parenting I received - am I now just blindly repeating the cycle? I am devastated to think this might be the case! Is even posting here narcissistic?? How do I fix this??

Oh, OP! I think if you're posting here worrying about it, it's very unlikely you are narcissistic. It's very natural to worry about repeating the mistakes our parents made and to some extent we probably do repeat certain things we saw as children, but you're aware of wanting to avoid certain behaviours, clearly. That must make an enormous difference.

If your partner is supportive on the subject can you talk about it, get their perspective and maybe get them to promise to tell you if they think they're seeing you do things that are on your 'no thanks to this kind of parenting' list? It sounds like you're a lovely and thoughtful mum but it might help feel less worried if you know someone would pick you up on it if they saw it.

Some people would certainly balk at making kids pay for their hobbies. Others might think you're bringing up your kids to be aware and responsible.

Hopefully someone with a bit more life experience of this kind of thing will be along soon. But otherwise, you could try posting in Relationships too. The posters over there usually have lots of good advice on this subject. Or if you like, hit the report button on this thread and we can move it over there for you?

Based on this post alone, I don't think you seem at all narcissistic. As Hebe pointed out, the fact that you're concerned you may be suggests the opposite. Narcissists usually don't realise they are the way that they are.

I have/had a narcissistic mother and you do not sound like you are exhibiting those traits at all! You sound kind, caring and more importantly willing to self-reflect.

I can tell you that if you were displaying narcissistic traits it is very very unlikely you would think you were. You would think you were the perfect parent and feel rage at anything/anyone that made you feel like you weren't.

Making kids pay for their hobbies is a parenting decision that can teach them the value of money and force them to examine whether they value the hobby, not supporting your kids emotionally and practically (or even obstructing their hobbies) is different. Children should have to do chores and contribute to the running of the house, a Cinderella-type situation where they do all the housework is not the same.

You sound wonderful, I would have loved a mother like you. Stop worrying x

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. You have reassured me and I guess with everything, there are nuances that nudge it one way or the other. In some ways, this is why I feel such guilt in regards to my own mum. Although I know she has behaved badly at points in my life, I always find a way to rationalise it and explain it away . That's why I worry about myself. Could In just rationalise it all away?

Anyway, I guess as long as I keep checking myself and stay vigilant, it should be ok. Y husband always says I'm nothing like her but it's scary y'know? My kids are everything to me and I couldn't stand it if they grew up to feel how I feel about my mum.

@LittleMia I understand completely, my worst fear is that I become my mother.

Your kids are lucky to have you.

@LittleMia I haven’t read it but I’ve heard a lot about a book recently by Philippa Perry. It’s called The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read and it’s about the way your upbringing affects your own parenting. It sounds like it might help you, maybe look at the Amazon reviews?

Sorry, to clarify, I really don’t think you sound like a narcissist I’m thinking the book might help you understand how you have reacted to being brought up by one, though!

You sound like a lovely caring mum.

I can sympathise OP I was also raised by a narc mother. And often times worry if I'm at danger of following in her footsteps. However hopefully this is enough to nip any tendencies on the bud. Being super aware is the key I think. And adapting as you go along.