A parent complained about dd

[Upsidedownfrown]

DD is 10, in y5 at school. The school mix classes up every year and it's 3 classes per year group so they can go a couple of years before being in a class with a particular pupil - that may be relevant.

DD was friends with A in the younger years of primary but they drifted apart a couple of years ago when they were put in different classes. This year they've been in the same class again and have rekindled their friendship which is lovely. A is also good friends with B who's also in the same class and they've been playing as a group of 3.

DD and A are perfectly happy with this however B's mum has spoken to the teacher twice now to say her child feels pushed out. After the 1st time, I spoke to DD to make sure nobody was being left out, etc etc.

(It may be worth adding at this point that i work in this school and whilst I have nothing to do with the girls during the day, I can see their playground and see them all playing quite happily)

I won't lie and say DD is an angel but she's generally an easygoing child who'll just play with whoever. None of this bestie thing. B however is rather reliant on A and doesn't really have any other friends.

DD has come home upset saying her teacher told her that b's mum had complained and that he doesn't think they should play in a 3 anymore. I told DD to play with other people but she's been having a great time with A and B and she doesn't see what the problem is.

What's the best way to deal with this? DD doesn't want to lose a good friend for reasons that are not apparent to her but also doesn't want parents coming in complaining about her! I asked DD how she wants to deal with things and she's just really confused. I've told her I'll support her whatever.

Should I tell her teacher to stop telling her about these complaints?! I do sympathise with how B may be feeling a bit jealous or threatened but DD has chatted to her before to let her know she's not trying to 'steal' her friend.

Should also mention, once a week A has music lessons so B always insists DD play with her that day and it's very much feeling like DD is only accepted by B when B has nobody else to play with.

(Sorry, that was long and I know it all sounds ridiculous and I don't get involved with my children's friendship issues normally but feel I need to do something as she's so upset about being complained about by a parent)

DD has come home upset saying her teacher told her that b's mum had complained and that he doesn't think they should play in a 3 anymore.

^
I think this is very pertinent. If that it is accurate then I don't think the class teacher has handled that well at all. I would have a word with the teacher & find out what they actually said to your daughter.

I don't think parents should get involved with minor politics of friendships unless there's bullying going on. I would be speaking with the teacher regarding this.

I agree that the teacher has handled that very poorly indeed if that's what she said.

Speak to teacher yourself. Ask what she feels the problem is, if your dd is being mean, and how she thinks it should be handled.
After that conversation, act depending on answers.
You don't have to do what the teacher says, but at the moment your information is all third hand and biased. The teacher's perspective will be very useful for you to make an opinion on.

Ah she's one of those Little girls. The you're my friend so you can't be anyone's else's friend.

The teacher and the parent shouldn't be pandering to it. Because. As you see on here when grown women post similar it becomes a life long behaviour for them sadly.

I'd speak to the teacher and say that b is not being pushed out but they'd all like to play together as a three and it would be better for b to be able to accept this.

And I'd speak to the mum and explain that her child isn't being pushed out they just all want to play together.

I'd imagine it's relatively accurate. Teacher has had various complaints to SLT regarding comments such as 'you guys will all fail miserably in y6' and general negativity which was admitted to. It sounds very much like something they'd say! DD says that she was told "I just can't see this friendship working out" which I've interpreted as "please play with someone else as I don't want to deal with parental complaints".

I've stood by my stance of telling her to just play with other people but feel so sad for her as she and A get on so well (and she thought she got on well with B too).

I'll probably ping an email across to teacher asking that it's sorted out in a better way than a shoulder shrug. All 3 of mine are generally quite robust at sorting out friendship issues but this one has her particularly heartbroken as there's been another parent involved.

Are you saying the teacher said not to play as a three any more? Then who is your dd supposed to play with then?
I think maybe a word with the teacher find out what was actually said and find out why they can’t all play together.

The teacher has handled this poorly, especially in how he has discussed the situation with your dd. Depending on how far you want to go, you can request a meeting with him and a member of SLT to really get point across that he shouldn’t be choosing who the children can be friends with.

It sounds like B wants A to herself, and so wants to exclude your daughter because she doesn't want to 'share' A.
I think going to see the teacher and putting that to them would be a good place to start. (As would having a quiet word with A's mum to get her point of view.)
After all, if A is happy with the current arrangement, why should she also be dictated to, never mind your own child.

*Llot5 that's how DD has interpreted it. I'll clarify tomorrow what was actually said. There's plenty of other people she could go play with as she's been a bit of a floater in the past playing with lots of different groups rather than having bestest bestest friends.

Ugh, I'm going to come across as that parent aren't I?! I won't be able to help it....

Either dd and A are pushing B out, or B is trying to push dd out.

You really need to ask the teacher where the truth lies.

I agree that the teacher had handled a perfectly normal situation really badly. Of course DD shouldn't just stop playing with her friends!

Surely this is for A to handle rather than your DD or B? Or does she not get any say? What does the teacher expect your DD to do?

I'm fairly sure DD and A aren't trying to push B out. DD has said to me previously that when they're on a trip or have to pair up she's made a point of pairing with someone different as she knows A and B have got used to pairing with each other and might find it difficult to find someone else to pair with.

Won't rule it out though, girl that age can be horrendous little things! Going to be an interesting chat tomorrow. Might pop down to class on my lunch break rather than after school so I don't bump into other mum as she's rather scary!

The teacher really should tell B's mother to piss off.

Teacher should not get involved in that way! This happened with a lunchtime assistant in my daughter's school who said they should take turns and she cried all night because she thought she wouldn't be allowed to go to her friends house at the weekend as it wasn't her "turn" to play with her!!!

Unfortunately the friend in question wasn't great at saying what she wanted. I think really this is up to A seeing as she's the one they both want to play with!! Teacher should be talking to all of them!

I feel very sorry for A shouldn't she get to choose who she plays with? B shouldn't get to have so much say over A it's not healthy. Why not have a chat with As mum/dad and get their take on it? Also approach your dds teacher ask if any bullying is going on and if not tell them not to dictate your dds friends.

It’s very unprofessional if the teacher to tell your DD that a parent had complained. I would talk to the Head about this as it’s pretty unreasonable.

You're fairly sure that dd and A aren't pushing B out because that's what dd has naturally told you- and it may well be true. B has told her mother something else.
That's why you need to ask the school what has led to the teacher intervening.
It's really not unprofessional of a teacher to become involved- we often have to if lessons can't proceed as they should because of an upset, excluded child and a parent coming in.
I have a friendship group of three, and two of the parents have been and begged us to keep them apart as much as possible. It's a toxic friendship. So we do. What goes on outside- who knows. But in school, they're kept apart as much as possible.

I also have another group that sounds similar to B. B is top dog, and has bossed an entire class for 2 years. Her group of close friends have finally started to distance themselves, after numerous parents have been in. Now, B is the victim and her mum is always at school.

I wouldn't want your daughter to be friends with B! A child whose mum complains in the school becuase she doesn't want her daughter to share friends sounds more hassle than she's worth. Id probably be petty as well and tell As mum you are sorry but Bs mum has asked the school to end the friendship with your daughter and A so you aren't avoiding her just been forced into a situation by Bs mum!

Teacher has messed up. He really should be much more clued in on girl behaviour and friendship tensions common at this age. There are a lot of the kind of hurt feelingz that he has mismanaged.

Would you consider inviting both of the friends to play at your house some day?

Unless there is clear bullying going on this is not something for a teacher or parents to get involved with. You can't force you me kids into friendships and developing their own relationship dynamics is a vital part of social development.

Yes the teacher shouldn't be telling the children what Bs Mum had said for a start. That's ridiculous. I say that as someone who has worked in schools with children.

I have a Sen child like B. She would only play with one child in primary and if the child was playing in a group or such she wouldn't play.

All I expected from school was for them to encourage DD to play with someone or attempt to engage her somehow and make sure she wasn't being bullied. If she decided to have a strop and sit alone because her friend was with someone else then tough luck.

It sounds like B doesn't like sharing A with other people and that's tough. As long as they aren't being mean then that's it tbh.

I think your DD should avoid B like the plague with her mum being so over involved and complaining to the school over friendship squabbles. More trouble than it's worth being friends with someone like that.

Teacher also sounds crap and with a system of mixing classes every year this sort of thing must be really common.