Is your life better after having a baby?

[Marghe87]

Just came across this thread and got a bit scared: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/1146040--deep-breath-I-regret-having-children?pg=2

I suppose I am in need of some sort of reassurance as it all sounds really dreadful! Why would people have a 2nd or a 3rd if having DC is so bad??

So so much better but that wasn't true for the first year when life was awful due to PND. I also know that things wouldn't be better if I had another so sticking with one. Love love love being a mum to him though.

Yes my life is better with our DS in it.

I loved my life before but I am simply the happiest and complete I have ever been. I was the least maternal before having him, but now I can't imagine my life without him. I absolutely love it.

@Tigger001 yep! Me too! Most un-maternal person you are likely to meet.

Today I had one of those rare flashes of absolute joy. I got home from work and was sat in the garden having a cheeky gin in the sun while I watched my DC and DP playing together, watching their face light up with every push of the swing, and screaming and shrieking with laughter. Absolutely filled my heart with complete love and joy. Don't get me wrong, they can be an utter little git when they want to be, but it's moments like that I hold on to and remember when they are being a gobshite x

Massively harder as there is no longer any part of your life that now doesn't revolve around someone who can't do anything for them self. Having a quiet life before doesn't change the fact you now have a much larger mental and emotional workload, zero time for yourself (even when you do escape you know it's time limited/ worry they are ok) or a new constant demand on your life. They also shine a mirror on every part of you and you don't always like what you see!

However, the most beautiful things come out of the hardest of journeys so it is worth it if you are open to it.

So much harder but so much better. My life was fun but felt pretty meaningless before having children. They give me meaning, purpose and happiness (but also stress, exhaustion and worries). I understand that a lot of people can find this meaning, purpose and happiness elsewhere but for me it has come from having children. If I couldn't have children I hope I could have found this elsewhere.

Easily the hardest and best thing I've ever done although it took about a year after DC1 was born to realise this.

In my experience having a child isn't "that bad" it is, by a country Mile, the single most best thing I have ever done !!

Having my son has brought me a love I never could have imagined, cliche to death here. It could make me cry, with just how much I love him. It has made my appreciation of my hubby greater, as he is an amazing father as well as hubby. Watching him with our son is pure joy

It made me re-evaluate my life and realise what's really important in life !!

I laugh every day with my son, and I mean, belly laugh. He has so many aspects of our personalities and watching him develop in front of our eyes, is amazing.

He can be incredibly frustrating as he is becoming fiercely independent. We don't get to have duvet Sunday's anyone (where all day we only open the door for the takeaway man 😳😳😳) but probably should have outgrown that anyway 😳😳

I wouldn't change it for the world, it genuinely hurts me to think I may have chosen not to have children and missed out on this

So much worse at first, but since my youngest was 3/4, my home life has been so happy. DH and I both work full time with a bit of flexibility, which I think helps. It has been very important for us to share everything equally. DH was not so good when I was on Mat leave and working part time. We were each working 4 days for a while, which was ideal. Now both back full time and we manage to keep everything on track at home with after school care.

Yes my life is so so much better. I would have a swcond in a flash

totally agree with @bourbonbiccy on every single point- couldn't have put it better myself

It’s been richer, deeper, more joyful than I ever dared to dream. I have been lucky and had some amazing experiences in my life but nothing comes remotely close to my experience of being a mother.

Yes hard but never regretted it. Its hard to appreciate when you've not had a baby yet (I wouldn't have!) but they can be little s**ts all day, do something lovely at bedtime and you forgive them everything! I find it easier now (I'm 34) than I would have when I was younger, as lots of my friends have children so the family lifestyle feels more 'normal'.

My life is better but my body is worse

Definitely better.

I don’t think it is hard work, just constant work.

For me the people I think really struggled to adjust were the older career women who suddenly were beholden to a baby who just wouldn’t conform to their schedule.

Harder.

But then I’ve had PND and then AND.
I was left to deal with two under two in my own for most of the time and H was a nightmare when they were little
Dc2 is on the spectrum
All of which has made things much harder than it needed to. I’m sure that if I had had the right support (any support would have been nice), things would have been different.

Basically, yes having dcs can be amazing and you are likely to have some lovely times with them. But you have no idea what life is going to through out at you that will make it much harder.

I’m not honestly sure about better, I love them both dearly but at 2.5 and 6 months my whole life feels like Groundhog Day. Pre baby we had some amazing holidays and adventurous hobbies that you simply can’t do with a baby or child in tow (at least until 3-4 for a couple of them and more like 12 for the one I love most). So our weekends have been reduced to the local national trust places, parks and maybe the odd beach visit, I have to pack for a holiday today, it’s a week in the UK and a week in the med, it’s going to require 3+ cases, 2 car seats and a buggy, I’m dreading the car journey and the flights, even the bloody clothes shopping for things that will probably be worn for one week ever.
My evenings are spent cooking, trying to persuade people to eat, telling DH not to get up from the table if he wants DS not to get up from the table. Having DS insist I take him to the toilet mid way through dinner while I’m also feeding the baby and my dinner is cold already. Arguing to get DS into the bath, stopping him drowning DD, arguing him out again, trying to read him a book while feeding DD, battling over tooth brushing, feeding DD to sleep then catching up with laundry - hopefully only poo on a few items, sniping at DH because he has had some down time and I haven’t or because he’s had chance to do the jobs on his list that have only been there 24 hours whereas I’ve had stuff I’ve wanted to get done for 3 months. Falling into bed exhausted, being up at least twice in the night, being woken again at 7. Spending the day exhausted, stroppy and stressed out despite not really having anything I ‘need’ to do most days as I’m on mat leave. Then feeling guilty that I’m not enjoying it all.
I had no idea how easy one was until we had a second. I wouldn’t wish DD away now she’s here but when she’s screaming and he’s wailing ‘mummy, mummy, mummy’ I would ever suggest anyone have two.
Yes, you get the moments of pure joy but they are few and far between in the unrewarding and relentless slog.

Physically harder, birth injuries & migraines & PND & sheer utter exhaustion. But it’s fantastic most of the time - the love, showing someone the world around us, getting back to basics, learning patience & nurturing

My life has got incredibly better after children, i think it completely depends on your life beforehand and your life with kids, it doesn't have to be a nightmare but there are many factors.

Before kids i was 23 living with my parents, no ambition in life and generally lazy. Now i'm 26 have a house of my own, i'm married to a wonderful guy, have a 10 month old son and a Daughter on the way and i am truly happy and much less lazier and i have many dreams and ambitions.

Much harder. I’m not having a 2nd because the 1st was difficult enough. My DS is the light of my life but he’s taken away my close relationship with his father and everything else I enjoyed. Apparently it becomes more bearable after a few years when they’re more independent. Maybe people who have multiple kids have more support from family and friends than I do.

When I got pregnant my friend was like 'But....you are too liberated for drudgery of nappies'.

I always have been half-depressed, it isn't easy for me to enjoy simple joys of life, pretty hard to arouse me into excitement about things. My life with impressive CV, while comfortable and good on the outside, felt sort of meaningless.

Then I had kids. Two babies with colic, one easy baby. I feel like it is huge achievement every day, looking at them, now really trying hard not to be 'that' annoying on FB posting photos of kids. Even when middle child is quite hard work and there are days I can't bear looking at him. Nothing replaces visceral unconditional family relationships and three kids feels even better than two. And they are so happy to have each other too. The older ones completely dote on the youngest.

I did worry about nightmares of PPD, not bonding, me being too selfish to attend to higher wellbeing of children and hating motherhood but thankfully they didn't materialise as reality. But I know life can be fragile and messy.

Its not better as such but its very different.

Its much harder. I miss having peace, and lie ins, and being able to go out without a military operation, or finding childcare. and nursery is EXPENSIVE. We would be financially loaaaaaads better off with out a child. Obviously once FT nursery is out of the way this will get better.

But, he is great most of the time. I'm glad I had him, but I would 100% NOT have any more.

Life is much better for me with kids and it gets better with each one. I wasn’t that happy with myself or my life pre kids anyway and I’m not career minded. I enjoy my children’s company most of the time. I don’t like the extra house work but I have low standards so try to keep it to a minimum.

I'm probably in the minority but I actually find life far easier since having children! Mainly because I gave up my stressful, full time, long hours job once we had our first, and just work once a week now. I LOVE being a mum and have a 4 & 2 year old, and would have another if we could afford it. Babies are hard work, but toddlers are so much fun. I've got lots of lovely mummies friends which makes a big difference, probably wouldn't enjoy things as much without them to be honest. A good support network is important. Just go into motherhood with an open mind as it probably won't be how you imagined it, be easy on yourself, and try to enjoy the good parts of even the shittiest days, as it goes way too fast 😪 x

My life is absolutely, unquestionably, 100% better with children.
I don't possess the language to express how much better.

I can promise OP that not everyone finds it dreadful.
You will be fine.

I feel desperately sad at the thoughts of my life without my children.
And It's not like I'm completely wrapped up in their existence and their existence alone ( I have a full time career, I have interests, I have friends, my dh and I do lots of things together)

I absolutely adore being a mother. Every experience is better with them around.
I'm currently pregnant with number 4.

Getthepetwet I agree! I find life easier in a weird way. Actually had a similar conversation with my friend last week - I didn't give up a job but having been someone who suffers with anxiety/ overthinking/ obsessing about all the small things, I find that since having children my perspective has really changed. All the things I actually care about have changed.
I don't have the time or inclination to obsess and worry about the ridiculous stuff and find I'm much happier all round.
Not sure if that makes much sense.

I said this on another thread. The things that make it tough-

• lack of support and help paid or otherwise. If you are a SAHM to a baby and a toddler life is generally not a great deal of fun.
• sleep and sleep deprivation.
• OHs. If your DH is an equal partner and a genuinely equal one then your life will be immeasurably better.

As a yardstick, my DH has never expected that when kids are sick I will automatically be home, we always divide it. He wakes up, makes breakfast, gets the kids readymade, feeds them and males packed lunch, I get dressed and drop them off to school while DH gets ready and goes to work. I almost always pick up but once a week DH does batch cooking. He also does the laundry and irons all uniform on weekends. He takes over every Saturday morning and some Sundays (he travels for work so sometimes I do this solo so he never minds the weekend). When he is home he does bath time on most days while I tidy up in the kitchen. If I am doing bathtime he tidied up downstairs. He has never put his career or his hobbies before the kids. He has turned down a couple of excellent career opportunities because they wouldn’t be right for the family and my career. I am still the default parent in many ways. I do the World Book Day costume and their day to day admin because overall I work less hours. I have also handled things like potty training and weaning but overall he’s a fairly solid father.

We were also non party going people. What came as a shock to me was not the inability to party but the inability to do anything that wasn’t planned. A trip to the shops with a small refluxy baby- when were they last fed, have I burped them for long enough, ok nappy changed bag packed, let’s go...oh no, he’s done a mini vomit and a poo. Ok I really need to get going because otherwise he’ll get hungry again. Shit, he fell asleep in the car, that’s buggered up nap times for today, and means a much later bedtime. Etc etc etc. The constant juggling of small needs can be EXHAUSTING.

For the record I am not a fan of babies. Anything after 18 months I am quite fond of.