Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

This is bothering me

41 replies

MamaOl · 23/04/2019 08:59

My new boyfriend of a couple months and I were having a chat yesterday about my son, he’s 2, and him and new partner get along really well, but new partner made a comment which is bothering me which was “I don’t just want to jump in and start playing happy families, because it’s too soon for that”

What exactly does he mean? I made it clear that I haven’t asked him to jump in and play dad to my son (his biological father has never been involved) but that he needs to accept my son because he’s the biggest part of my life, he said he does and he knows... so I’m not sure why he said previous comment?

OP posts:
ssd · 23/04/2019 09:02

Ask him how would some random online be able to tell you what he meant if you don't even know yourself?

pictish · 23/04/2019 09:07

On the face of it it seems he is conveying good sense. He doesn’t want to rush things and make commitments to you or your child before he’s sure it’s the right thing to do.
He may be saying this because all too often, people fast forward to living together/step parent status without taking the time to let things develop naturally.
I don’t think it was intended as a slight on you or your boy.

MustardScreams · 23/04/2019 09:09

Why are you introducing your child to a boyfriend of a couple of months?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Original poster
MamaOl · 23/04/2019 09:10

@ssd there’s no need to be rude. It’s a question, if you have nothing nice to say don’t say it

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaOl · 23/04/2019 09:11

@pictish thank you 😊

OP posts:
ssd · 23/04/2019 09:11

I wasn't being rude but how on earth will we know what your boyfriend is meaning when we don't even know him?

Original poster
MamaOl · 23/04/2019 09:12

@mustardscreams I see it as the fact that if he can’t spend time with me and my son, it isn’t a relationship worth having. Yet he does, and we are happy.

OP posts:
pictish · 23/04/2019 09:12

She was chatting about her son. Which is normal in conversation. She doesn’t say they have been introduced.

MustardScreams · 23/04/2019 09:12

But he’s clearly not as he is telling you he isn’t ready to be dad to a child that isn’t his. You need to slow down and put your child first. He doesn’t need to be introduced to anyone after 2 months, you barely even know the guy.

MustardScreams · 23/04/2019 09:13

She said in the op that they get along really well. So they obviously have.

SoyDora · 23/04/2019 09:14

I probably wouldn’t have introduced a boyfriend of a couple of months to my 2 year old, so agree with him that ‘playing happy families’ at this stage would be unwise.

Stiffasaboard · 23/04/2019 09:17

Two months?

He has more sense than you do.
He shouldn’t even have met your son.

You are clearly looking towards a happy family threesome and your boyfriend is quite sensibly saying it isn’t appropriate.
You might not last long and your little boy then gets to wonder where bf has gone.

You could have loads of two month relationships- will your little boy meet them all.

Six months is a minimum imho before you introduce the kids and tbh even longer can be very sensible.

You need to grow up a little bit and think what is best for your son.

The bf sounds a bit scared off and I don’t blame him at all.

pictish · 23/04/2019 09:22

Oh okay so they have been introduced. Hmm..yeah I think he’s probably the more sensible one in this scenario. I understand the point of view that there’s no point pursuing a relationship with someone who doesn’t get on with your son...but the answer isn’t to get the bloke in there ASAP. It’s playing the long game so your dd isn’t exposed to a bunch of potential suitors that may or may not stick around. Dyswim?

pictish · 23/04/2019 09:23

*ds...sorry.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 23/04/2019 09:24

It means he has more sense than the mother of the child which is a really sad statement of affairs!

If it takes a new boyfriend to tell you it’s too soon to introduce him to your children then you shouldn’t be dating.

DogHairEverywhere · 23/04/2019 09:26

I would think he's saying that he doesn't want to get too involved in your child's life while the relationship is still so new. Which is very sensible of him. If you and him don't work out, then it saves the potential distress to your child of having to 'lose' your bf from his life. I would be very cautious of introducing a new bf to your child too early, you don't want them to grow up with a series of men passing through.

Original poster
MamaOl · 23/04/2019 09:26

So it’s better to stop having him around my son for the time being now?

OP posts:
Stiffasaboard · 23/04/2019 09:28

Yes

pictish · 23/04/2019 09:29

I also understand that it must be difficult to pursue and nurture a promising new relationship with the responsibilities of parenthood, particularly when you are the sole carer and there is no access weekends to another parent. Free time is in very short supply etc. When do you actually have child free time to see each other?

It is a logistical nightmare, I’ll give you that.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 23/04/2019 09:32

Your new boyfriend is being sensible!

Original poster
MamaOl · 23/04/2019 09:32

@pictish thank you for understanding my point kinda, we’ve had date nights when DS has stayed at my parents’, son & partner have only met twice because I didn’t want to take him on dates with me so we’ve seen each other when we can, but I’m glad they get along well so far. But if I’m honest everyone that’s replied has made me feel like a terrible mother.

OP posts:
coffeeismybestie · 23/04/2019 09:34

How did he meet your ds? What did you all do? park, cinema or come round yours?
It sounds like maybe when he's around he feels like your actions display that your now a happy family.

Dc are important and maybe your life, but people want to date the adult and the ones looking for a readymade family to jump into are weird.
You don't see everyone showing of their dc on OLD.
My dp has a dc, which that was fine but when I started talking to him and dating I wasn't thinking - I can't wait to be a new step mum to the dc. I had to make sure my dp was right first before I involved the dc.

ssd · 23/04/2019 09:37

Well I didn't mean to make you feel like a terrible mother, all I meant was your boyfriend might be meaning something straightforward and if you asked him you'd know, rather than guess all sorts of things he might never have thought

Someoneonlyyouknow · 23/04/2019 09:46

You are not a terrible mother and it must be difficult to think that it is not worth dating someone who does not realise that your son is, and will always be, your first priority. I'm guessing that you don't have that much time to date either.

I think your bf is being sensible. It would not be fair for him to be very involved in your son's life yet. So probably avoid family days out and stick to going out just the two of you when you can get childcare. I realise that is limiting but is best for your DS. Your bf is not necessarily saying that he doesn't see a long term future with you, in fact it would be more worrying if he was less realistic.

Original poster
MamaOl · 23/04/2019 09:51

@someoneonlyyouknow He’s always understood my son is my priority, we haven’t done family days out or anything like that as I wouldn’t feel like it’s ok to do that where we are now. Thanks for your advice, and for being nice to me 😞

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread