This is bothering me

[MamaOl]

My new boyfriend of a couple months and I were having a chat yesterday about my son, he’s 2, and him and new partner get along really well, but new partner made a comment which is bothering me which was “I don’t just want to jump in and start playing happy families, because it’s too soon for that”

What exactly does he mean? I made it clear that I haven’t asked him to jump in and play dad to my son (his biological father has never been involved) but that he needs to accept my son because he’s the biggest part of my life, he said he does and he knows... so I’m not sure why he said previous comment?

I agree it would be more worrying if he was pushing for involvement or making stepdad noises at this stage. Or proclaiming love or painting a rosy visual of your future together.
He sounds cautious and to my mind, cautious is good.

Thanks @pictish x

I think he's saying that he wants to date you for a while first (on your own) to see how you two get on before having to step up to the role of stepdad.

@sunlov yeah he did say something to that effect aswell x

@MamaOl

In fact bf sounds like he does plan to stick around as he said " ...it's too soon". I think the best idea is for you to enjoy his company and don't over think things. When you are spending all your time with a toddler you can forget how to talk to adults and start to question your own judgement!

@somewhereonlyyouknow you make a very good point! He is always making plans in advance with me which gives me assurance he’s not just going to ditch. This is the first person I’ve dated since my ex, so it’s all new to me, especially with a child in the mix too x

@someoneonlyyouknow you make a very good point! He is always making plans in advance with me which gives me assurance he’s not just going to ditch. This is the first person I’ve dated since my ex, so it’s all new to me, especially with a child in the mix too x

Apologies for getting username wrong!

So maybe just stick to one on one dates for the time being before getting him involved with your ds.

Way too early for him to be spending time with your son.

I think it was too soon to introduce your son to him really. He may be getting cold feet about the reality of dating someone with a child or he’s conveying good common sense and explaining that it’s too early for him to be in your son’s life.

Op it's important to understand that not everything is the same for all.
My Dp meet my dc sooner not because I'm mum but because my dc's were older, we went out and my dp just joined us in activities etc, my exh is very chilled and trusts when I make decisions. When it came to dp dc, I wasn't in any rush to meet because the dc was younger, the ex would make issues and problems for no reason, and I think dads time with their dc is important.
My dp could of thought it was because I wasn't interested or didn't want to include his dc.
Sometimes it's not as black and white.

I've been where you are and it's the reason I didn't date until the dc were older because a lot of men assume you want them to play dad.
Luckily the wait was good because my dp isn't like that, it's the ones who rush in love bombing and then suddenly use the fact you have dc as an issue and from the sounds of it your bf isn't like that.

Please don't think you're a terrible mother. I'm sorry you've experienced some short feedback which could have been expressed a little more diplomatically.
Everybody has different boundaries of familiarity and perhaps it is as he says, simply too soon. I agree with @Someoneonlyyouknow. What I understand from post is that 'you and your son come as the package', is that right? It isn't wrong of you wanting this, at all! We all deserve to be happy. I would suggest approaching the 'family' part tentatively, especially until your relationship with him is more established. Does he have any children? X

OP your boyfriend sounds very sensible. There was a post a while ago from a woman where the partner pushed to move in quickly and once he was providing for her and she was dependent on him, he turned very controlling and abusive and she had to escape with her children --- luckily your boyfriend sounds nothing like this!!

@coffeeismybestie thank you for sharing your experience with me, I will take that advice on board if ever needed and no he isn’t like that you’re right :)

@snowflakeeel thank you so much. Yes you’re absolutely right that me and my son come as a package, I’ve said this from the start of our relationship and he has accepted that :) no he does not have any children x

@TigerQuoll everyone has said the same thing in general that he sounds sensible, he is I have to agree! No luckily my boyfriend is nothing like that!