Dont want to leave 6mo with nanny

[Mumtoboy123]

Ok so i havent posted in a while and had a mn break so bare with me!
Ive always had pressure from my mum of "if you need a break, ill have him for you" blah blah.. havent wanted or needed a break and when i did give into the 'break' pressure, i left ds with FIL and his partner for 3 hours and hated it. Anyway, once i got firm with it, my mum stopped saying about it (or my brain just filtered it out after i heard it so much).
Im due to go back to work in july, had nursery set up etc but financially it works out better to get an evening job. Asked DM if she would like to have DS for a few hours if needed, once every few weeks so i could start work at 1pm ish and DH will take over from her at 5pm. She was more than willing. Reminder.. Not even got the job yet!! So it was about 1.5weeks of "oh yes that would be lovely" and now the control has set it. Reminder... STILL not got the job yet! So shes started saying things like "when i look after you ill give you all the chocolate mummy wont let you have" she knows my feelings about this, DS is 6mo! Also "well i can just put him in the buggy and walk to costa and back" which is 2 miles each way. I told her he would get bored and id rather them just be at home or pop to local shop if needs be (which has a cafe) and all i get is "yea you know what i mean, we'll see" and now its come to "when i get back from my holiday (shes on hol now) you can leave him with me so he gets more used to me, we can all walk to the shops but me and him walk back seperatly from you, ill push buggy" etc... remember STILL NOT GOT THE JOB YET! Plus, he sees her at least once a week, and she is the person he is most used to bar me and DH. I would only be leaving him with her for 4hrs max. Its so frustrating, she wont allow me to make the suggestion and take the lead, she has to jump the gun every time and control it. Very much give her an inch and she takes a sodding marathon!!! Its prompted me and DH to think about me only doing evenings and weekends and if there is a dayshift oppertunity, DH asked MIL if she would have DS for afternoon occasionally and she said "would be happy to, just let me know.. as long as i can use your coffee machine" Have all the coffee you want love, thanks for being HELPFUL!
also, we are meant to be going away with my parents in 1 month and both of us are dreading it because we know the whole weekend will be filled with "well you go off and do XYZ while we take DS" or "is there anything i can do" everytime DS cries... just leave me to it!
Help me!!!
Sorry for the long post but i do feel better for the rant!

Sorry but you sound rather precious about your DS- your Mum just wants to help and spend some time with her grandson.

Ultimately ask yourself- do I trust this person to look after my child in a way that I want. If the answer is no then you need paid childcare who you can hold to account.

Well your mum managed with you ok!

I do get it, I was the same when dd was little. Now she’s a very loud 2 year old I love it when she goes to Granny’s so I can have a coffee without being climbed on. You’ll probably welcome the break when your lo is older, so don’t burn bridges now.

Does it matter if im precious? DS has a lot of health issues and i dont want to leave him for extended periods hense changing jobs. Also, financially childcare doesnt make sense and shifts wont be regular enough to use a childminder for example. She also spends more time with him than any other extended family member.
When she stopped going on about it so much i felt like it was an option but as soon as its mentioned she just takes over to do it her way. I dont want DS being 'just put in the buggy' for the afternoon. She says she will do it how i want when i challenge her about it but then goes back to controlling things as soon as that conversation is over.
I think youre right though and i dont fully trust her to do as i wish with him.

I don't understand the objection to being in the buggy to the shops and back? There's plenty to look at and he'll be chatted to as well.

You can’t ask someone to look after your child and then tell them they can’t walk to costa because he’ll get bored in the buggy! You can have basic rules (no chocolate or whatever) but apart from that you can’t tell your mum she has to stay at home whenever looking after your son. Surely he has to spend time in a buggy when you go shopping or whatever?

A 40 min walk in a buggy is absolutely fine. You can't dictate to family that they stay home with him tbh, and for that reason you need to think about alternatives, either being you don't take the job or you employ someone to do your childcare.

I hate how people justify being precious. Most people love their children and don’t relish leaving them but that’s life.

As i said, DS has health issues hense not wanting to leave him and being in the buggy for a long period of time he gets very bored. I dont even take him for that long. I havent said she needs to stay at home, ive said not walk a 4 mile round trip when shes only got him for 4 hours every 3 weeks. Id rather him be able to play, have his feeds, naps and solids etc where hes comfortable, especially to start off with. As he gets older, feel free to take him elsewhere but for now its a difficult stage. Shes more than welcome to walk to the local shopping area (charity shops, cafe, supermarket in one big area), the park etc.

But if he gets bored then she’ll learn that herself won’t she and change her plans for next time. I find it hard to imagine what you do day to day if he never spends 40 minutes or more in a pushchair - do you and your husband never just go for a walk? 6 months isn’t a particularly difficult stage, they’re generally fairly happy to be pushed around looking at stuff, especially if you’ve got a parent facing pushchair and you can talk them all the time

You just can’t ask anyone to have your child and dictate to this extent what they can do with them

Without knowing the health issues your LO has, just going on what you have written- you are being very dramatic, and harsh on your mother. She’s offered to take him and walk him in the buggy to Costa, I mean this is hardly child abuse. If he gets restless she won’t want to do it again. If you want someone to watch your child who you can dictate to in such a way then hire a professional nanny. Your Mum just wants to enjoy time with her grandson.

I'm going to guess there is a massive backstory here.

I don't understand what your objection to her plan is. He'll get fresh air, get to look at things, "chat" to your mum. Pack some healthy snacks for him while your mum has a coffee. He'll probably have a sleep in the buggy. I don't think young babies get bored.

Kungfupanda67 i dont know where youve got this 40 minutes from? Walking there, being there and walking back he would be in the buggy for 3hrs+. You seem to have got hung up on how much time my child spends in the buggy! Hes happy to be in there, will sleep etc for an hour, i take him for walks all the time. My point is its not that fun for him and i dont want her to venture that far from home so early on. Id rather him be at home to get his big midday nap (usually 12.30-2) then milk feed, a bit of play, solids and another milk before his dad gets home at 5pm. But she seems to not want to stick to his routine.. thats what im concious of. I usually take him for a walk to the shops after his 2pm feed and she is welcome to do this too.. he loves it, all im asking is at this time of constant naps, milk feeds and weaning that she stay closer to home.

Why are people focussing on the buggy thing? This nan wants to feed a 6mo chocolate when she knows it's not what the parents want! That very much suggests that she won't consider the parents' views on other things.
OP, I would simply say to her when you do get a job that day shifts and therefore day babysitting will no longer be required but maybe put a regular night in place where she comes to you for tea so she feels she's still getting a regular time with baby?

I think the 40 minutes previously suggested is for the 2 mile walk? As presumably he can come out of the buggy once they get to Costa if needed.
I think that if you're using relatives for free childcare then you can set a few ground rules, but you do need to be flexible and largely allow them to get on with it. If you don't trust they'll act in a way you feel is appropriate then maybe you need to look at paid childcare?

But yes, I don't think it's appropriate to feed a 6 month old chocolate! So if you believe this is really going to happen this may not be your best option for childcare

So you've never walked him for 2 miles in a pram? Do you not go anywhere?

It's good for babies to be out and about, lots of them to see and experience.

I’m getting 40 minutes from a 4 mile walk, it takes about 10 minutes to walk a mile, I can’t imagine she would then want to spend 2 hours in Costa, maybe 20 minutes for a coffee and for your son to have a snack, then home again.
Like I said you can have basic rules, he has a nap at 12.30 for example, but beyond that I can’t see you’ll be able to insist he has his milk feed at home - he’ll have to get used to eating in different places, surely you give him bottles when you’re out and about? You seem like you’re massively overthinking how hard it is, I get it’s a bit scary to leave them but babies adapt quickly, he’ll be fine

The way you’ve said about the chocolate thing as well, sounds like she’s joking if she’s saying it to the baby - my mum used to tell my son (jokingly) he could have haribo for breakfast before he came home to me when he slept at her house as a baby/toddler - she didn’t actually feed him haribo for breakfast!

Kungfupanda at the moment, hes so interested in everything, he wont take more than a few onces with distractions so i do prefer to feed him milk at home where possible... or in a quiet room. The walk to costa is 2 miles each way which, according to google maps is 40 min walk there and then again back.. i dont know how fast you walk!!
Annabegins, thank you, i think thats a good suggestion! You seem to have teqd the whole post, not just got hung up one ome point

You’ve said this would only be once every few weeks. I can’t see how Not sticking exactly to his routine that infrequently is a problem. In fact it can be good to have a change. You take him for a walk after his nap, and she just wants to walk a bit further? I do appreciate the concerns we all have about leaving a child at first. But unless there’s some back story it just reads as a grandmother looking forward to building her relationship with a loved grandchild.

How serious are the health issues? My ds loves a walk from 6 months onwards and likes being chatted to and pointing out cars and ponies etc and watching the children in the park. He even went of the swings etc. Then had a Costa. Sat in high chair chatting away (babling) then had some food himself n water. Then walk back or to friends.
He also does similar with his childminder, walk to park, play walk back, walk to. School pick up, walk back.
The chocolate thing I wouldn't be happy with but if its once a week or less he will be fine!

Without sounding harsh, I think this is more about you than your Mum. I think you find your DS overwhelming and the idea your Mum might find him easier or want to do different things is threatening to you. No chocolate fine, but you're being too controlling and demanding telling her what she can and can't do.

@aceinthehole saying "without sounding harsh" doesnt take away the harshness of your words. I dont find DS overwhelming at all, if i did, i would be going back to my office day job and shipping him off to nursery. Im asking her to stay close to home so DS isnt an issue for DH when he gets home from work

If you don't want her to have him then pay a childminder or get an au pair. Part of the free childcare is stuff like this.
My mom from when ds was weeks old took him for an hours walk so I could sleep, shower or tidy the pit (very much attached to the boob child).
Honestly he will be absolutely fine with your mom and a walk once a week or less. Your dh will cope fine with him on return as he is his dad.

But you said it works out better financially to do this job. It seems like you've made a lot of rules for how things need to be done, and that's not sustainable for whoever else looks after him. It sounds as though you begrudge your Mum for being with him when you won't be, and whilst it's normal to feel sad about going back to work, your reaction to your Mum's offer to help isn't normal. The comment about the coffee machine, she's just trying to be jovial. As a pp said, you are creating issues that may not be there for your Mum, your DS may not get bored on a 40 minute walk with your Mum?