Dont want to leave 6mo with nanny

[Mumtoboy123]

Ok so i havent posted in a while and had a mn break so bare with me!
Ive always had pressure from my mum of "if you need a break, ill have him for you" blah blah.. havent wanted or needed a break and when i did give into the 'break' pressure, i left ds with FIL and his partner for 3 hours and hated it. Anyway, once i got firm with it, my mum stopped saying about it (or my brain just filtered it out after i heard it so much).
Im due to go back to work in july, had nursery set up etc but financially it works out better to get an evening job. Asked DM if she would like to have DS for a few hours if needed, once every few weeks so i could start work at 1pm ish and DH will take over from her at 5pm. She was more than willing. Reminder.. Not even got the job yet!! So it was about 1.5weeks of "oh yes that would be lovely" and now the control has set it. Reminder... STILL not got the job yet! So shes started saying things like "when i look after you ill give you all the chocolate mummy wont let you have" she knows my feelings about this, DS is 6mo! Also "well i can just put him in the buggy and walk to costa and back" which is 2 miles each way. I told her he would get bored and id rather them just be at home or pop to local shop if needs be (which has a cafe) and all i get is "yea you know what i mean, we'll see" and now its come to "when i get back from my holiday (shes on hol now) you can leave him with me so he gets more used to me, we can all walk to the shops but me and him walk back seperatly from you, ill push buggy" etc... remember STILL NOT GOT THE JOB YET! Plus, he sees her at least once a week, and she is the person he is most used to bar me and DH. I would only be leaving him with her for 4hrs max. Its so frustrating, she wont allow me to make the suggestion and take the lead, she has to jump the gun every time and control it. Very much give her an inch and she takes a sodding marathon!!! Its prompted me and DH to think about me only doing evenings and weekends and if there is a dayshift oppertunity, DH asked MIL if she would have DS for afternoon occasionally and she said "would be happy to, just let me know.. as long as i can use your coffee machine" Have all the coffee you want love, thanks for being HELPFUL!
also, we are meant to be going away with my parents in 1 month and both of us are dreading it because we know the whole weekend will be filled with "well you go off and do XYZ while we take DS" or "is there anything i can do" everytime DS cries... just leave me to it!
Help me!!!
Sorry for the long post but i do feel better for the rant!

I think you're worrying too much. Your mum should be able to do what she wants with your lo when she's looking after him as long as it's nothing ridiculous. Taking him for a walk is fine.

Bottom line is if you are using family they are very likely to do things their way.If you don't fancy that use paid child care or if you don't fancy that don't work

Very dramatic. A quick google will tell you it takes the average person 30mins to walk 2 miles. I’m obese and even I could do it in that time.

So, a 30min walk to the shops in the pushchair, maybe 45mins - 1hr at the shop, then a 30min walk home. The whole outing would be done in less than 2hrs and there is a bonus of fresh air and a change of scenery. It’s hardly child abuse. You seem very controlling. If you want to continue along this line the best option is to get a professional childminder in and pay them, they will happily abide by whatever you dictate.

So if he gets bored then he will moan and she wont do it again. Nobody can look after your baby as well as you can, I get it. But your mum will find her own ways and probably do things different to you. If someone doesnt stick to the routine what's the worst that could happen? (Obviously depending on how serious his health concerns are) sometimes babies skip feeds or nap shorter or longer than usual you can't control every unknown with a baby. They catch up on sleep and milk. Sounds like a lovely day out for your mum and baby, fresh air is so good for them and they can sleep in the pram while she enjoys a rest. If I'm honest I wouldnt be happy looking after someone if it meant I was stuck in the house at a strict time for like 2.5 hours every day. My DS 2 goes to his grandmothers once a week and she takes him out for coffee with her friends then to sainsburys and costco for her weekly shop. Even I would be bored at their 'day out' but he loves it.

I don't see what difference walking to Costa and back is, than walking around local shops (charity shops, cafes etc)? Surely going to approximate to the same time in the buggy in the end? And the same amount of distractions?

I see your issues with her lack of respect for your routine and also feeding a 6 month old chocolate but otherwise I think oh do need to trust that your mum raised you, I'm presuming, with no major issues?

I can't imagine feeling dictating like this to my own mother if she's providing free childcare but maybe the greater issue is it sounds as though you 1) just don't trust her and 2) are probably feeling extremely anxious at the thought of leaving DS with anyone at all.

With respect, perhaps it would be a good idea to trial leaving him with her for 30 mins, 1 hour etc and building up - just in case you do get the job. Otherwise it might be quite a shock for both you and DS.

Please stop saying 'shipping off to nursery' 🙄

If you work, which is sounds like you will, you are going to have to 'ship' your PFB off somewhere. Us working mums don't love our kids any less because we earn money, so change your attitude and language as you sound like an idiot.

If you want to continue along this line the best option is to get a professional childminder in and pay them, they will happily abide by whatever you dictate

Erm, they won't! That's a nanny. Childminders have their own routine and ways of doing things. If I told our childminder that DS couldn't go on a trip that involved him being in the buggy for a couple of hours she'd tell me to find new childcare, as it would restrict her and the two toddlers she also cares for to the house.

If OP wants to dictate every part of her child's daily routine then the only option is a nanny - neither a childminder or a nursery will do this, though they'll be as accommodating as possible.

But then I'm the sort of shit mum who 'ships my child' off to childcare, so it's no surprise that I think him being in his buggy is no big deal (it's also what I did every day on mat leave - went mad if we didn't get out of the house and it's about 2 miles into the city centre from our house, so...)

Erm, they won't! That's a nanny. Childminders have their own routine and ways of doing things. If I told our childminder that DS couldn't go on a trip that involved him being in the buggy for a couple of hours she'd tell me to find new childcare, as it would restrict her and the two toddlers she also cares for to the house.

Apologies, think it's a cultural fail, something that doesn't apply there from the sounds of it. We have both childminders and nannies that do a similar job here in your own house with only your children but have different contractual obligations, tasks and conditions - nannies would be expected to tidy up general household mess associated with children, deal with children's laundry, cook family meal that the children will be eating etc whereas our childminders don't do these associated tasks and this is reflected in the rate. We have another term for what you are referring to and then it would be exactly as you describe for what you are terming a childminder.

I think you are worrying over nothing tbh.
The chocolate thing sounds like a joke, my mum also said silly things to mine as babies. Walking to Costa is fine. I walk into town with my children, go to a cafe and come home regularly, it’s a nice thing to do, 6 month olds don’t get particularly bored when out, they love looking at everything around them, it’s much better for their development than being sat at home. It is also a good idea to build up to leaving him with your mum, the same as you would have settling in sessions at a nursery, it will mean you, your mum mum and your son get used to it.

You’re coming across as being “precious” which might be due to anxiety over separation if you’ve not done it much and the first time felt awful. You will have to bite the bullet and see that baby is fine without you around.

Routines with a baby are flexible, (unless you’re doing a Gina Ford) and a bit of a change doesn’t bother my similar age baby at all. Yes they need milk and a nap at some point but they will nap if needed in a pram, they will drink more milk later if they don’t eat it at the scheduled time...

Might be worth dialling down the judgement on working mums who use nurseries though...

(And jumping on the buggy walking issue - 10-15mins a mile is a fairly standard walking rate)

Sorry, yes, I think that is a cultural thing - childminders work in their own homes in the UK. In hindsight I jumped on you a bit, sorry! The point I wanted to make is that childcare where they'll do exactly as you dictate is expensive - nannies cost much more than a childminder or a nursery.

Wow OP you're being a bit precious. A 40 min walk to Costa and back will be fine for baby. He'll probably sleep for some of it and the rest of it nanny will be talking to him. He can't get "bored" at 6 months! At that age they look permanently unimpressed by most things, they are just taking it all in.

I think you need to Unclench a little, or find alternative childcare.

I think she’s just having fun and excited saying things, this is her grandchild, she was your mother, brought you up so I’m sure she won’t be that bad. If the walk is 4 hours I very much doubt she would even do it!!! Chocolate is probably a joke.

I can’t understand getting this much anxiety about if it was your mil but people normally are relaxed with their own mothers because they know their capabilities from being brought up themselves from them. You need to relax or see gp about pnd

Hey OP, I have to agree with some of the other pps on this one. The buggy walk shouldn't be an issue for three reasons:

1. If he makes such a fuss with her she'll hopefully not take him again for a while.
2. Your LO is developing every day, he might hate being in the buggy for a 10 min walk one day but them happily stare out for 40 minutes the next. Don't say no completely, it's great for the babies to see new things, hear new sounds and new smells. It's a sensory experience for them.
3. 2 miles with a Costa stop sounds very reasonable. Means he can have a bum change, snack and chat in the hair chair in the middle. Maybe even fall asleep after all the stimulation!

I agree the chocolate thing is annoying, I definitely wouldn't be happy if my mum said that. I'd make sure she understood what he can and cannot have. Give her a chance to follow your wishes. If she breaks them then discuss and if continues break off the arrangement until she can behave.

Don't stress about what hasn't happened and may not happen. See how it goes and address issues that arise when they happen. Hope it works out for you.

Sorry, yes, I think that is a cultural thing - childminders work in their own homes in the UK. In hindsight I jumped on you a bit, sorry!

No problem whatsoever. I like to learn about these differences. I worked in the UK for several years before coming home and having children so am not up with many child related things there. My next experience with kids will be grandkids as mine are now adults/older teens and they may well end up in the UK so I like to learn about differences in lingo.

What she’s doing is exactly what a childminder would do. They develop their own routines and are often out during the day. You sometimes have to collect from random places. And she’s doing it for free. I think if you want someone who you can dictate to to such a degree, you need to hire a nanny. Otherwise, you just have to be a bit more flexible. Especially as she’s doing it for free.

Tbh, I can't see that a nursery or child minder would necessarily do it your way. They have other children to look after and you don't get to call the shots.
Your mum raised you fine, she might have different ideas, I doubt anyone will do it exactly your way, they'll find their own way that works.

I think there needs to be a bit of give and take on both sides. It’s reasonable for you to request she keeps to his routine of lunch then nap (and appropriate food) but not really reasonable to insist she does it entire in the house. If she gets a lie flat buggy he can nap just as well in that. So lunch, down in the buggy a walk to costa, peaceful coffee for her, when his 1.5 hours is up, which will probably be on the way he they can stop at the park for a play or she can sit him up and chat to him.
I would say though that google is probably right about the walking time. Whoever suggested 10 minutes to walk a mile must not have timed a walk recently. 10 minute mailing is my steady jogging pace, it’s a 5k in 33-34 mins, that would probably finish you in the top half of most fun run type 5ks! 15 minutes a mule is a brisk walk and 20 minutes an entirely reasonable steady stroll with a buggy!