Looking for honest advice about age gaps please!

[lazymumsmh]

First of all apologies, there are probably lots of threads like this!

We have a 15 month old DS. I think we'd like to have another - I'm maybe 70% sold on the idea, whereas DH is 100%. (I have mental health issues, suffered from terrible PND, so kind of yearning for easier times, BUT I do like the idea of DS having a sibling)

Not sure whether two close in age is better, or to wait longer and have to go through the whole tiny baby stage again after forgetting how hard it all is.

I'd like some honest advice about age gaps, how long did you wait to TTC again? How do you find your DC's age gap works?

13 months between my two oldest boys and I won't lie the early years is hard work. They are 6 & 7 now for the most they get on but are total opposites personality wise. My youngest is now 3 and she gets on the most with my oldest. He will play outside with her or help her etc. I fell pregnant quite quickly within a couple of months of trying but my DD was a nice surprise.

There is no ideal age gap and also of course you may not fall pregnant exactly when you want to. The gaps between my 3 are 3yrs and then 4yrs. For me 3 yrs gap was awesome. Older one was old enough to understand what was going on a bit and had stopped using the cot, pushchair etc. He was going to preschool a few sessions a week so I had a little bit of one on one time with baby too. They started to play together at about 5 and 2 I would say. The gap between ds2 and ds3 ended up being 4 years in the end but the dynamics were similar. They are now all teens, well almost, and get on well. We have only had one doing exams at a time which has been good, with a 2 Yr gap you could have one doing gcses and one doing a levels which could be tough.

I had hoped for a very close gap between my DDs but it wasn't meant to be. There is exactly 3 years and it works really well for us. The first 1-2 years were hard (DD2 was/is a non-sleeper) but they play together beautifully a lot of the time now and it's finally feeling worth it!

I think that you get what you are given, it works out alright and then you can't imagine having a different age gap.
I'm sure it will be absolutely fine whenever you choose to start trying.

I wanted quite a big gap and there's 3yrs 2m between mine. It was tough on dd1 to start, while she didn't act jealous she missed it just being us and we'd had it just the two of us (and dad! I'm a sahm) for so long. She's better now, dd2 is nearly 1 and it's easy. DD1 is very articulate and sometimes comes and tells me she's feeling jealous and wants some mummy time. I just try and make sure she gets one to one time.

DD1 has been a good age in that she's able to help a bit and I've never had to worry about taking two of them out as she's always well behaved and understands that she needs to be patient when I'm breastfeeding etc

I think you need to decide that the age gap you have is the best (though I appreciate this isn't an easy thing to do).

We have 4.5 years between our two and it works really well. I always thought I'd have 2 in 2 years, but we just couldn't face it and didn't decide to try for a second until our first was 3.

DD1 was quite self sufficient at 4, which made life easier than having a smaller gap. They do play together and can be quite conspiratorial, but are also very happy to mooch about on their own. If they were closer in age, I think they'd try to compete with each other. They are both confident, capable and strong-willed girls, so might clash more if they were closer in age. But you never know what personalities you are going to get until you've got them.

The thing I like least about the age gap is working out what activities we can do as a family or I can do with the girls. Because we had 4 years with the first, we did all sorts of things that were completely focused on her. So we had trips to small theme parks in term time or went to splash parks. Now that DD2 is the same age, we can't do term-time trips and sometimes I have to take DD1 and a friend somewhere because DD2 is too young. So I don't feel like DD2 is getting the same opportunities as DD1. But hopefully having a sister is recompense for missing those things.

I have a 12 month old and we are going round in circles discussing the pros and cons of small vs larger age gaps 🤷‍♀️ I've decided for now that I am definitely not ready so we will review the decision every six months. DH is keen to try for another. I think he has been listening to his colleagues telling him that small gaps are much better in the long run.

I have a 12 year age gap!

I love my 3.5 year age gap - dd was at morning preschool when he was born so morning activities for him then nap in afternoon for me to spend time with her
She has always been the eldest and he respects that and he is happy to go off with her and she looks after him
Now at 6 and 10 days out and fun and you can’t notice the gap (literally as well as the height difference is such you would see it as being much smaller gap!)

I had 2 under two. I think I got pregnant when DS was just over a year old, which blows my mind now.

The pros:

they like the exact same things. Easy to entertain them together. Play together well, but in my experience only after the younger one turns 2. But after that it's happy days.

You're not doing activities/playdates/hobbies with the older one. They're still too small. So you can just hang about the house/garden or go to a playground but the older one doesnt really demand much more. That's easier on you, those first few months.

You have all the gear and everything is very fresh in your mind and it makes little odds changing two nappies when you're already changing one.

Cons: the first year is just WORK. Not much fun. Just unrelenting work. Night and day.

Childcare is exorbitant. Am currently shelling out 1.5k a month. However, it is not spread out over that many years, which is a great consolation. In 2 years time it'll be afterschool costs only. It also means there's little point in me giving up work as yeah it's eating my salary but it's only going to be for a short time.

I imagine the first year would have been easier/more enjoyable with a bigger gap. But then you may be juggling different interests/activities. So it's swings and roundabouts really.

I have a 5 year age gap and it’s been great! Very much planned that way. My friends with smaller age gaps have definitely struggled more than we have. They are the best of friends and it was a smooth transition from 1 to 2.

I had a 6.5 yr age gap and they’ve only stared getting along in the last couple of years and the youngest is 19 ! That said my eldest didn’t want a sibling at all so I doubt any age gap would have been any different .

There are pros and cons every which way. A very small age gap can be very very difficult up front and get easier years down the line. A large gap is easier with a much more self-sufficient school child and a baby but as the baby becomes a child it's more difficult to balance the needs of both.

I ended up with a 3y gap and am very happy with it. DC1 took remarkably well to his new sibling and was old enough to be doing mornings at nursery and to be reasoned with about what was happening, but the gap isn't so big that they won't be able to play - they already do a bit at 4 and 1.

I read an article once which argued that the typical 2 year gap is actually the hardest for the older child to adapt to, because they're old enough to see the change and feel jealous and insecure, but not old enough to have established a sense of object permanence in you and your love or to really communicate with you. But who ever knows how it would have gone if they'd had a different gap?

We have 2.5 years between our 2. It wasn't planned, but has been great! Think it was particularly easy as dd1 has always been really sensible and easy going for her age and acted more like a 5 year old than a 2.5 year old when her sister was born. If it was the other way round and dd2 was the 1st born it would have been much harder 😅. I didn't want 2 close together but I'm so glad we did now as the initial shock of having 2 "babies" didn't last long and now they entertain each other no end and have the same interests so days out, holidays etc are easier than I imagine if you were trying to keep a 6/7 year old and a toddler happy at the same time. Just be prepared to "just survive" the 1st 6 months and then things just get easier as the youngest becomes more toddler like. x

I have 20 months between my DC. The first year was hard work (although funnily I found the first 4ish months very easy). My eldest had zero interest in the baby, but did ask on more than one occasion to do things without her which was heartbreaking.

We had no family within 7 hours of us, so that made it particularly tough (and very unfortunately my husband had an affair when my youngest was 9 months so that was an absolute nightmare)

They are now 4 and 2.5 and things get simultaneously easier and harder! The older one isn’t fond of walking, but obviously can’t go in the pram any more (I suspect an older child would be better at walking). I also think I possibly babied the older one a lot more as it was easier to just do everything for both of them.

That being said, when the stars align, they can play beautifully together for ages. But there can still be a LOT of crying!

(I was also very jealous of those who had a bigger age gap and the older one could help, but I’m not sure if my oldest would ever have wanted to help!)

19 months and 27 months, so eldest two months off 4th birthday when third was born. All comparatively 'easy' babies so these gaps were pretty much planned. I didn't have much, if any, gap between bf and conceiving so I was teetotal for 6 years. I was also SAHM for even longer, childcare for 3 being extortionate. We found it was easy to plan days out or holidays because there was not too much age difference. Although they would play together they always had different friends and the eldest was a bit fed up of babies by the time DS was born. Hardest part was sometimes finding space to have 1:1 time with each child.

We had someone (often two) doing exams every year for 6 years and this ran into university, 3 graduations in 3 years. It worked well for us but I think none of my 3DC was very competitive and none had SEN or significant health issues.

We also didn't have any family nearby. In fact, my mother's diagnosis with dementia was a factor in having DC so close together so that they might know each other. I had a pram seat so the older two benefitted from not having to walk everywhere.

I have a boring 2.5 year gap, simply because thats what I have with Dsis and we couldn't be closer.
Pros
Still have all the gear
Free nursery hours co-incides with return after 2nd Mat Leave so childcare costs not too exorbitant.
Now they are both at secondary school, life is much easier and they get along well
We can all do activities together, bowling, cycling and activity holodays which would be tricky with a little one.
Cons
2.5 is not a baby, but not really old enough to understand.
You might still need a double buggy and will have buggies, nappies etc for 5 years continously.

20 months between my two (so yours wont be as close)
Advantages to having tow relatively close together:

• they play well together
• they are at similar ish development so are more likely to like the same sort if things or be able to do the same sort if stuff
• nappies and potty training and baby days are out quicker (good if you aren’t keen with the baby stage) so th8ngs get easier more quickly

Disadvantages:

• first couple of years are harder.
• no need to be on the ball all the time

I wanted a gap of about two years but got pregnant quickly than I thought. My two are now teens and I dint regret it. It was right for us.

Mine have a seven year gap. I can’t afford two lots of childcare so only started TTC when the oldest was 5 and in full time school. It’s been brilliant. I would not have had it any other way. They adore each other and the oldest tells the younger stories of the day they were born, how they helped with nappies, sweet stories about being a toddler, etc, etc. I’ve not had any trouble with them being at different stages yet. The younger is 7 now and they still play together all the time, plus DC1 can babysit (paid). The oldest’s friends think our younger DC is really cute and small because most of their siblings are 1-2 years older or younger, so they have a household of teen stuff and sibling arguments. They come to our house for a break and most are jealous of having a little sibling they can play with (with all the toys it would be uncool for them to have for themselves but secretly still enjoy)

Lucky your comment about babying the oldest one interesting.
I’ve done the opposite. Even when I was pregnant, there was no way I couod carry dc1 when I was 7 or 8 months pg. He was big and heavy (think 2~3yo clothes when he was 18 months old). So he had to learn to walk and go up the stairs (and down) probably more quickly than if I hadn’t been pg.

I found this has been a pattern throughout their childhood. And has also meant we were expecting more from Dc2 too (because they were only one year apart at school, it felt like I could or should be expecting similar things from them).

Mad I know! It’s usually the opposite! In fairness to him, he could do all the walking stuff etc fine before the baby came, but I think with other things I possibly just cracked on with doing it myself for ease (getting dressed, brushing own teeth etc).

My youngest can do more for herself than my eldest. She wants to do it whereas he couldn’t give a toss!!

Mine would’ve been one year apart too had we not lived countries with a different entrance month, and I’m so grateful for it, as it FINALLY seems to be easing up!

It could be their personalities though. My oldest is very happy to be lifted and laid 😂

There's almost exactly 2 years between mine who are now 4 and 2. It's a difficult question to answer about what's best really, as like pp have said you can't imagine any other gap in the end.

That said I'm really happy with 2 years and while I can imagine having had a smaller age gap I can't imagine a bigger one. It feels like enough and that a bigger gap would be too much. It's not always easy but they're close enough in age to be able to play together now and my 2 year old is learning everything so fast because his big brother is teaching him just by playing with him. It's really beautiful to see. They like similar things so days out are easier and I see it being that way for the foreseeable. Whereas there's 7 years between me and my sibling and we liked different things our whole childhood and it was harder to entertain us both together. As the eldest I did a lot on my own.

Biggest of all I think I'd have found it really hard to go 'backwards' and start using nappies and prams and slings again. I liked that it all blurred together and I got that stage done in one go.

Mine have a 2y3m gap and it’s lovely now they are 4 and 2, they get on well (most of the time) and can play together, interested in similar things etc. However I won’t lie I found it tough having them both at home constantly for the first year and a bit until I went back to work part time. It feels much easier now my oldest is at school and I get some time with just the youngest. In that first year I sometimes wished I’d left a bit more gap and waited until my oldest would have some hours at preschool, I think it would have made it easier. But I didn’t know how easily I would conceive and you can’t plan these things perfectly, it all worked out and I wouldn’t change a thing now but I think if your mental health is vulnerable then a 3 year gap might be preferable to 2 years imo.

Op I have 18 months between oldest 2 and the 5 and a half years between middle and youngest so I can see both sides.
Having them close together is so much hard work when they are little. Once they start to get a little more independent they get easier.
Having a larger age gap is like starting from scratch. I found it much easier to get youngest into a routine though as we had the school run to do as well.
Imo I found it easier to have a big age gap. However ever child is different and what worked best for me might not work so well for you.