Looking for honest advice about age gaps please!

[lazymumsmh]

First of all apologies, there are probably lots of threads like this!

We have a 15 month old DS. I think we'd like to have another - I'm maybe 70% sold on the idea, whereas DH is 100%. (I have mental health issues, suffered from terrible PND, so kind of yearning for easier times, BUT I do like the idea of DS having a sibling)

Not sure whether two close in age is better, or to wait longer and have to go through the whole tiny baby stage again after forgetting how hard it all is.

I'd like some honest advice about age gaps, how long did you wait to TTC again? How do you find your DC's age gap works?

I believe nearly all parents will be happy with the age gap they end up with. I have a 22 month gap and while it was very hard in the beginning, especially because they both didn't sleep, I love it now and wouldn't change it, I'd do it again. Their needs are similar and I find it lovely to see two children close in age play together. But tbh I think I'd be just as happy with a bigger gap, because that has advantages as well. It's definitely easier on the parents, and seeing an older sibling taking care of a much younger one melts any parent's heart!

Get your mental health as high as it can be before thinking about another child. Nothing matters as much as parents with good mental health.

We have 21 months between DC1 and DC2, and it'll be a bigger gap of about 33 months between DC2 and DC3 (currently pregnant). Like others with a smaller gap, the first 6 months were hard work but it's been a good age gap since. Some things to think about that others haven't said:

• What was your first pregnancy like? If you have a smaller gap (less than 2.5 years ish) it's likely DC1 will still be napping. It's amazing how much difference getting that break in the middle of the day makes!
• Similar to the point above, having an older child who still naps was good when I had a newborn - most days I could get a lie down / doze in the middle of the day.
• If you want DC1 to understand what's going on and help / let you take it easy then I think you need more like a 4 year than a 3 year gap - DC1 at 4 gets me struggling with pregnancy some of the time, DC2 at 2.5 really doesn't.

There's about 2.5 years between oldest and middle, and nearly 3 between middle and youngest. The two who get on the best are oldest and youngest, 5 years apart.

I found a 2 year gap easy. I was fully in parenting mode and became a sahm (gave up pre kids job to childmind two 1 year olds 5 days per week along with dc1 when Dc1 was 9 months, then had to shut down my childminding business in order to move a long distance away when I was 8 months pregnant, and became a sahm).

I had dc3 when dc1 and 2 were infant and junior school age and it was much, much harder.

With a 2 year gap it's easy to find your own routine and do things suited to both children. When you have a newborn and a 2 year old you can have a late start if the baby's kept you up all night (I don't mean get up late because 2 year olds don't lie in, but you can all stay in pyjamas and watch cbeebies and have a toast and milk picnic and doze a bit til 9am).

It's so easy to parent well when they're close in age, with activities and outings that suit both as soon as the baby's a young toddler (obviously before that the baby doesn't really care what activities are going on as long as he or she is close to a parent, warm, clean and fed).

With young school children you're in someone else's schedule with school, kids have activities and friends over/ agreement to be at set places at set times. So often I had to take the newborn off the breast before he'd really totally finished because we'd be late otherwise, or pick him up out of bed for the school run just when he'd finally fallen into a deep sleep after being restless and waking constantly all night. I was constantly catching up with myself, everything was scrappy and unsatisfactory.

Dc1 and 2 with a small gap were very close until dc1 was about 9, but that's personality I think. Dc3 with a bigger 3.5/ 5.5 gap was a cute toy or pet to them - they adored and spoiled him but he wasn't a peer or equal playmate. This changed naturally over time though and dc3 and 2 played together on a more equal level once they were about 5 and 8.5 - it took much, much longer than with a smaller gap for them to be playmates, though partly because dc2 already had dc1...

It evens out in the end but for the newborn and preschool years I found a 2 year gap much, much, much easier than older sibling/s young school age when newborn arrived.

We have almost exactly a five year gap. It’s brilliant. They are 7 and 2. They do play together. They paint, do play doh, play in the garden, do Lego etc together. Plus lots of imaginative play together. The older one dotes on his brother. And there is much hero worship from the younger one. Fights are minimal. And we don’t really struggle with doing different things- we take them for 1:1 things from time to time but one or the other has to adjust- that’s family life. And my big boy reads to his brother on weekend mornings so we can have a lie in.

22 months between my two (now in their teens) exactly what i wanted and the same as me and my DB. It really is quite a normal age gap. I liked the fact they grew up together and liked the same days out, films, tv etc. They were best of mates until the end of Primary really.
There are times that are very hard when they're little but it is with one. When mine both got Chicken Pox at the same time was an awful week! The double buggy was a pain.
But... that's all very short term. They will have a close age gap forever. Try not to overthink it

I think you need to take some time and let yourself come out the other side of PND. Being pregnant is a physical and hormonal challenge before you add in a newborn.

Yes your husband might be keen but his body doesn't have to grow another person plus I assume you will take at least the first part of the mat leave.

If it were me I'd wait until you are feeling yourself again and then review.

FYI I am expecting No2 at the end of the year when No1 will be 5.

I had thought I'd have a 3 year gap but I have LOVED the 1-2-1 time my dh and I have had with my son (or rather 2-2-1) and he is off to school in sept meaning I will get time with No2 as well whist no1 is at school without the cost or guilt of putting No1 in nursery to be alone with no2.

No1 is so excited about the new baby and is also of an age when he is helpful, out of nappies and can understand the change in family dynamic a bit better.

There's a 14 year age gap between my eldest and youngest

7 years between DC1 and DC2

20 months between DC2 and DC3

5 years between DC3 and DC4

Without doubt the 20 month gap was the hardest. The days just consisted of waking up and getting through the day for about 18 months

It got easier and they are 13 and 15 now and have a lovely close relationship

The 5 year gap was lovely. We knew that was the last one and all 3 DC were old enough to enjoy having a baby in the family, tho the oldest was in full teen mode and mortified that it meant I'd had sex

The hardest bit was finding activities they would all enjoy

The best bit is the different dynamics of their relationships with each other.

Thanks so much for all these responses!

Has given me a lot to think about. I honestly don't think I'm the kind of person who could handle two young children at once, so I think I'd like to wait until DS is at least 3 maybe 4 before we TTC again - of course it might not happen easily. I'm only 32 now, so leaving it until I'm 34-35 isn't too big of a deal.

@coldcottage
*I think you need to take some time and let yourself come out the other side of PND. Being pregnant is a physical and hormonal challenge before you add in a newborn.

Yes your husband might be keen but his body doesn't have to grow another person plus I assume you will take at least the first part of the mat leave.

If it were me I'd wait until you are feeling yourself again and then review.*

Completely agree. Although I am out of the PND, I do still have my GAD to deal with and I'm currently trying various meds so I wouldn't even consider TTC at this moment.

I have a 4 year old and a 7 month old. I love it that we've had so many lovely times the three of us and now he's older, he's patient and understanding of his little brother.